2 One:Roasted coffee beans

~Beam~

The mirror reflected a man with a completely hollowed eyesocket and lips bearing a strained smile.That smile turned into plain gloom afterwards.

I walked toward my workplace,dried my hair in between steps,and decided to proceed writing the next chapters.I started running my fingers into the keyboard and momentarily lifted my coffee.I am a writer and all my days were like this.I woke up at noon and sleeps when its dawn.I eat only instant noodles and chocolates,lots of chocolates.I drink more black coffee than water.I smoke a lot,too.An own way of committing suicide,at least for me.

My table is always been a total mess.The vacancy for the laptop to be seated had always been surrounded with crumpled papers where I usually doodled my outlines into,notepads and all sort of pen.What's a bit bizarre is what a sweet-scented candle doing in my table.I can't even remember when did I bought it.Sometimes in the middle of the night,I randomly lit it up.The lingering sweet smell of jasmines ambient the air.It was a beautiful smell but it doesn't felt good,for me.There's this ashtray laying up front which ashes drowned the cigar stubs and everytime the wind passes,the ashes flew into the air.Most of the time,the coffee literally tastes like tobacco.The whole room smelled like tobacco.

Regardless,I finished works smoothly,submitted them on time,get paid,and breath the hell out of this life.I managed  living despite how life itself made me athirst of my own demise.

I can't hang myself to death.

I've been struggling to continue being alive,yet I'm sure that I'm still scared of seeing myself hanging on a rope struggling to call out for help realizing that I actually don't want to die.It doesn't make any sense for a man who want to end his life that badly.It looks funny and pathetic.I feel like a fool and I always hate it.

My neighborhood called me weird and kids avoided me.The insanity of having myself thinking of how I greedily carried the world's burden is always making me feel like disappearing.I wanted to evanesce,without anybody knowing,but there are just gray areas regarding that desire.

I just can't do it.

Everyday,I keep myself busy figuring out if should I continue living or should I not wake up.In the end of that,I realized it's a waste of time.The weak part of myself is always telling me that I can't live anymore,yet its the one that's drawing a coward fool out of me.I want death but in some ways,I feared it.In the midst of that cyclic frustration,I usually ended up crying my eyes out in the bathroom.With unceasing amount of tears pouring against the tiled floor,I always wonder why it doesn't drown me to death.

Yet,the answer was always been me.I would've been drown only if I didn't struggled to swim upward,seeking light,seeking life.

~Fate~

9 pm.

Just a minute passed after I called home,Kevin called me back saying Dad collapsed.I hurriedly got on a taxi and rode to the hospital where Kevin brought Dad.He fell from his wheelchair and lose consciousness.Luckily it's nothing serious.

"You should've look after Dad a little more careful,Kevin,"I said.

Dad loured a face.

"Come on,don't blame it on your brother.It's my fault.Scold me all you want,"as he spread his arms somewhat like waiting for me to actually scold him.

I saw Kevin's brow lifted, burying his head on Dad's arms in subsequent.

I smiled at them and said my goodbyes right after.The next hours was spent working at a convenience store.Working at night was a bit hard for me in the start.I was a mess.Working those long hours kept myself in absolute need of sleep and rest...a battle between physical and mental breakdown.That wasn't the life I was used to.It's just a great thing that I managed to get through all of those.

Generally,my whole days were purely spent on part time jobs.At daytime,I work as a crew in a dining house,waiting tables and washing towering dishes.I work night shift in a local convenience store and most of the time,it was a bomb of sleepiness and exhaustion.

After Dad paralyzed his legs in an accident three years ago,I decided to quit studying and started making money.Dad and Kevin is all I have and I can't afford losing one of them.I became the breadwinner of the family and maybe in the next decades or so,or maybe until forever,I will still be.I never regretted my life though...even a second.I am fated to be like this in this lifetime,and so my name is Fate.

"Is your Dad okay?"said the store owner as she slowly took off his working vest.

I nodded and went straight to the counter.

"Everything will gonna be fine,"as she tapped me in the shoulder.

Everyone think I am distressed.There were always these pats in the back trying to comfort me and makes me feel better and that's just a mad discomfort for me.I am alright.People may see how I struggle a lot but for me,this is what keeps me living...and what keeps me want to live regardless of all.

"Thirty-two dollars,"and the night went busy.

Customers kept rushing in the store and I wonder why they aren't sleeping in this late hour.The cold wind from the outside sneaked in and out whenever customers opened and shut the door.It was soothing for a moment,but I felt like I'm about to doze off that I embraced myself.

2:30 AM.

Costumers are lessen quite a bit and I kept on yawning every single minute.It annoyed me.Though I tried to wake myself up with some coffee,the drowsiness didn't fade and I was thinking it's because of a really tough day I had today.A customer even yelled at me,told me to quit and some other shits,and it boiled my blood.I always been prone to incidents  like that,maybe because of people thinking I'm clueless because I look young.I just found it mean this time.How can he tell me to quit my job when I have a family to sustain?

I listened to music to alleviate  the mood but it only made me sleepy even more.My shift ends at 5 AM and I want to just drag the time up.It had been quite a challenge for me to stay awake especially in the start and now,I yawned double at a time.It annoyed me quite a lot.

The door smashed in and the cold breeze touched my face,it felt a little rough this time.

A man in a gray hoodie entered the store and before I could take a second glimpse,I recognized him.

Black,curled hair fringing his forehead and that identical cold gaze lying behind those eye circles,I recognized him.

I saw him avoid my eyes and pivoted to the Ramen section.I erected from my leaning position while putting down my earpods.

"Cigarettes."as he put down a bunch of instant noodles on the counter.

His eyes strangely looked sad and it made me want to stare at them.Aside from it,his lips,though it's always pale pink,looked oddly pallid today.

Is he sick?

"Three packs,please,"he spoke.

I realized what he said and I took three packs of cigarettes from the back shelf.

He left immediately after he pay.

He had been coming to the store ever since I first worked here buying either a bunch of instant noodles or cigarettes,and occassionally came to buy canned beer.Whenever he came,his eyes always looked enigmatic.It's hard to tell whether he's sad or strained,or maybe both.He looked like he's  not alright but there were days that he looked like he's just acting grinch.I don't know.I don't know his name either.I don't know anything about him.

All I know is he always smells like roasted coffee beans...and it soothes me.