Alcohol and My Regret

That day, I was sitting on a café waiting for my ex-girlfriend. I broke up with her 9 months ago because she cheated on me. Two weeks before I found her cheating, we got some arguments about how she wanted to conceive a child while I didn't, but I can't believe that she chose to live with Brian and cheated on me.

I sat quietly while reminiscing about our memories. When we were young, Brian, Emma, and I were best friends. We shared happiness and moments together everywhere for the past 10 years. I knew I was wrong when I hit her when we argued about baby, but I could never believe that Emma would actually go to Brian and chose him. All my jealousy towards Brian came true and she just left me alone. If only I could turned back time, I would make sure that I stopped my addiction towards alcohols so that I won't hit her accidentally.

To my surprise, the one that pulled the chair in front of me was Brian instead of Emma. My chest burnt with anger when I saw him. "Hey, what are you doing here bastard? Where's Emma?" I tried to suppress the anger in my voice. He sat in front of me and stared at me arrogantly. "Shut up. I need to tell you some news, but you've got to promise me that you hear me until the end." His face changed in that second, releasing anger in his tone. His veins was seen clearly as he said what he said.

"What? Did Emma leave you behind like how she left me?" I chuckled and stared back at him. "SHUT UP!" Brian yelled to me with a small voice. "You don't deserve to say anything about Emma." He put up a threatening face and pulled my collar. "Emma texted me to meet here, don't tell me you stalked through her phone?" I made a small laugh and threw his hand from my cloth.

"Listen…" Brian eyes suddenly became red as he tried to holding back his tears. In that second, I knew something was wrong about Emma. "Emma… She died a week ago." I was surprised with his statement and gulped loudly. "No. You must've tried to deceive me, Brian." I broke the silence. "It can't be" I convinced myself that Brian must lied to me. Just because he lived with Emma for a short period of time, it doesn't mean that he can lie to me. I was sure because Emma texted me and asked me to meet her again.

"She died after she delivered your son!" He grabbed my shoulder with his hands and his eyes emitted disgust and anger. I was pretty sure that he tried to punch me when he saw me with blank eyes. "No. No, no, no, it can't be." I averted my eyes from him and made a small laugh. "She's never pregnant with my child, so it can't be…" At that moment, I realized that it was almost 10 months ago when I got home drunk and having her beside me the morning after.

'Does that mean… She was pregnant when we argued about baby?' I looked back to Brian with confusion on my face. "No, you must be kidding, right?" I looked at him seriously and he didn't budge with my attitude. "No, I'm not joking. She died after she lost too much blood during her delivery. It was placenta abruption. The hospital got a shortage of blood due to the storm and another critical operation that happened before her." His facial expression changed to pity when he looked at me and he covered his face with his hand. "Her baby survived the operation though." I froze when I hear Brian told me the whole story.

It was my fault that I often drunk and hit her unconsciously. She was going to tell me about her pregnancy when I told her that she shouldn't be pregnant because I'm not ready to be a father and wouldn't be responsible if that thing happened. That's why she ran away to Brian's house. Brian told her to stay there because with my alcoholic habit, I'll end up hitting her again when I drunk and she got nowhere to go. That's when I found her in his house. I thought that she cheated on me. I thought that she left me because I always felt jealousy towards Brian.

When I heard Brian's story, I knew that I only ran away from my childhood past and told Emma that I couldn't be a good father. I knew that I was wrong when I pushed her aside and spent all my pennies to alcohol, but she never complained about my behavior. She always told me to stop that habit, but I never listened. It's not that I didn't have a stable job to raise a family with her. It's just me being a jerk and succumbed to alcohol, only to realize it after she left me.

My heart felt like it stung with thousands of needles. I was stunned when I heard Emma's tale from Brian's mouth. I didn't spit any words, tears rolling down my eyes instead, and I put down my head. I buried my face with my hands and cried there silently. Brian kept patting my shoulder when he finished his story.

Just after I stopped crying, a beautiful young woman came into the café while carrying a bundle on her arms. She sat beside Brian and said sorry that she was late. "It's ok Angela, I was just finished telling her story to her husband." He held Angela and kissed her at her cheek.

Angela glanced at me when she opened her mouth and talk "Hello. I'm Angela, Brian's girlfriend. It's nice to meet you, James." She stretched her hand and offered a handshake. I reached her hand and shook it gently. "It's nice to meet you too." She looked at my swollen eyes and offered her handkerchief to me. I took it and wiped my tears.

"I'm sorry" I whispered to both of them and went into silence. "It's okay." Brian said with a gentler tone while he held Angela's hand. "Listen, James. Angela and I have been in relationship in these past 2 years. I'm going to marry her next year." He paused and took something from his pocket. "This is Emma's letter for you, and the one that Angela carried is your child." He handed a thick envelope towards me.

Brian waited for me to open the letter and didn't make a sound as I read the letter. Inside were letters and USG results. On the letter is Emma's handwriting that I missed so much.

'Dear James,

It's been a long time since we met. I'm sorry if I suddenly write this letter to you, but I just want you to know that you're a father now. I'm not asking you to responsible for him nor I want to force you back to my side. I just hope that you'll believe me when I said that I never cheat on you.

I wonder how do you do today? I hope that you got a good life and free from alcohol. Have you got yourself a new girl? I hope that you can be happy with her instead with me. I hope that you love her with all your heart and avoid unnecessary argument like we did.

I'm too cowardly to tell you about my pregnancy, so I write this instead of telling you directly about our newborn son. I hope that you still want to meet me and your son after you read this. If you decided to meet me and your son, I'll be more than happy. I'll be waiting for your answer.

With all my love,

Emma'

I clenched my teeth when I finished reading the letter. It must've been written around her 2nd semester. I was trying to forget her by getting into a new relationship, but it's not working and I broke up with her in a month. I kept thinking about her all these 10 months, that's why I hoped that today she's willing to get back to me no matter what her situation is.

I felt suffocated and my hands shaking because I never felt so broken. I tried to touch the USG picture with my shaken hands, but once again tears fell down to my hands. Her face appeared in my mind when I recalled the time when I slapped her and hit her because I accused her. I raised my head and looked at the baby that Angela carried. He looked so much like me, so there's no doubt that he is my child. A massive feeling of regret mixed with guilt and sadness filled my head.

"Emma was going to send the letters after she deliver the baby." Brian gave me some time before he continued his sentences. "I know you feel sad right now, but remember that she delivered a baby. I know that you don't want the baby, so you can leave him to me and Angela. We agreed that we're going to be his foster parent right after we're married." He looked at me with pity, but I felt aggression in my head when he said that I don't want the baby.

"How dare you said that I don't want the baby?!" I pulled his shirt and shoved it angrily. The baby heard me yelled quite loud and started to cry. The café waiter rushed and told us to keep quiet, so Angela brought the baby out of the place. 

When I realized that I spit the words out of my mouth, my mind told me that I knew I couldn't raise the baby by myself. "I'm sorry" I lowered my head and shook it. "Can you raise the baby with your job, James?" Brian looked at me with serious eyes. I can't looked straight into his eyes and put my hand on my mouth sighing.

"Look, I know I'm being a jerk here. I can never hate Emma or her baby because it's her baby, even though I knew Emma sacrificed her life for him, so please don't tell me that I don't want her baby. On the other side, you knew very well that I couldn't raise him with my current job and my behavior when I drunk." My voice was shaking because I knew I have no right or ability to take the baby with me.

"I agreed if you and Angela adopt him, because I knew you guys can give the love that he needs. But please… Please let me be a part of his life, I will tried my best to change my drinking habits. Please tell him later that he's my son and let me participate to raise him." I begged Brian when I stared at him without any doubt.

Brian, who seen a resolution in my eyes, finally agreed "Alright, I don't mind. You're his father and that's something that I can't change. I just hoped the best for Emma back then, but when I see you like this, I hope that you took your words seriously." He knew that I always have the determination when I decided to do things and so he believed in me once again.

He took a piece of paper, "Please add your new contact information. I knew you tried to avoid Emma ever since you accused her and break our friendship. I knew you tried to cut all your contact with us ever since I told her about your new girlfriend." I wrote down my new address and phone number. I paused for a while before I handed the paper to him. "I broke up with her, you know." He nodded briefly and took the paper.

"Angela is waiting for me, so I can't stay here too long. It's also not good for the baby." Brian stood up from his chair and offered his hand to me. I looked at him and shook his hand "Please tell me about the adoption process. We'll talk more later about how we're going to raise him." He nodded once again.

Brian was going to go when I pulled his cloth "Brian. Can I name the boy Noah?" He smiled to me as he took his jacket with him. "Of course, you're his father. I look forward your resolution. Let's raise him together after you recovered from your alcohol addiction." I smiled back to him with confidence "I took alcohol rehabilitation after I broke up with Alison, so you don't need to worry about that" He looked a little surprised but he patted my shoulder before he left.

I sipped the coffee that has become cold during our conversation. Strangely, the coffee doesn't felt bad, it's warm instead. May be it's my heart that felt warm after I reconcile with Brian and knew that Emma was never hated me. After I drank the coffee, I stayed in the café for a little while. I still felt sadness in my heart, but I also felt relieved when I re-read the letter.

I folded the letter and put it back to the envelope. At that moment, I promised myself that I'll treat my child properly this time. Should I get a new girlfriend, I'll make sure that I won't repeat the same mistakes with Emma. I stood up from my chair and walked towards the café door. I closed the door as well as closing the door to my past.

-End -