Chapter 20

Eiharu swears he can hear the sound of cricket when he opens the kitchen window, even though he lives in the middle of the city and it’s still morning. The sun hasn’t fully claimed its throne in the sky; it’s a couple of hours before noon, yet the heat is already blazing. Scorching hot. Grilling. Whatever.

His grump was muffled by the music playing through his loudspeaker and sizzling pan on the stove. The sound of him chopping the ingredients roughly--impatiently, complements the mix. As seconds pass, the chopping sound becomes louder and heavier before he slams the knife in annoyance and turns off the stove.

-It’s so hot outside, and Mom expected me to deliver it on my own??-

The usual delivery man caught a summer cold, so he can’t help Eiharu today. Considering his age, it’s natural that his health often deteriorates. Eiharu can’t and wouldn’t blame anyone for that. Still, it upsets him since he has no other option but to deliver the lunch himself. It’s in the middle of summer. Compared to last year, the summer this year feels more unforgiving. Though, in Eiharu’s opinion, all summer is unforgiving. He can handle freezing winter even if he still complains, but summer heat? It stays on his hated list.

His hatred towards the weather fuels him to work; thus why he is already in the kitchen and doesn’t procrastinate as usual. It's good that the nurses already know he doesn’t want to take personal requests in summer, so he’s free to cook whatever he wants. It saves him a lot of time and brain cells as he doesn’t think much of what to make; he just lets his body decide. As long as it’s edible and doesn’t taste weird, it’s all good.

He was already done cooking and packing everything in less than a couple of hours. He stares at the bag dejectedly, hoping for a savior to help him. For five minutes, he stands there like a statue, staring at the beautiful boxes, sighing and contemplating. Ultimately, he drags his legs to his bedroom and changes his clothes. Even if his summer jacket is made from breathable fabric, he’s still sweating down inside his garment. The medical mask he wears suffocates him a bit, but he wouldn’t leave the house without one, so he can only bear the heat.

The journey to the hospital feels longer and slower. As much as Eiharu wants to pick his pace, he doesn’t want to risk getting light-headed because he walks too fast. However, if he slows down, he will surely catch a heatstroke. Even now, he feels like he already has one. His eyes heated up when he saw the hospital building not too far away. White layers slowly blur his sight when he tries to look up.

‘Eiharu?? What is it? Why do you call?’

“I’m in the lobby, Mom.” Eiharu’s voice is barely a whisper as he sits down. His sight turns even whiter. “Can you quick?”

‘Alright, wait for me.’

Haruna cuts the call immediately, and Eiharu takes a deep breath to calm himself. Inside his jacket, his body is drenched in sweat. The sudden temperature change from scorching hot to AC cold doesn’t do well for his body. Eiharu takes off his mask and wipes away the sweat from his face. His eyes sweep around to ensure no familiar faces within the vicinity. He doesn’t want to be greeted by someone in this situation.

“Eiharu-san?”

-Oh, damn it-

Eiharu was about to put his mask back on but stopped as he realized who was calling his name.

“...Yukisada.”

“Hi,” Kanryou’s gaze shifts to the eco-bag Eiharu brought, “Oh, for your mother and the rest?”

“Mm.” Eiharu’s eyes lifted as he remembered something. He took one box from the bag and handed it to Kanryou. “For you. I forgot to tell you I made extra, so… if you already have something to eat, just give it to someone else.”

“Oh, thank you. I have no plans for lunch yet, which greatly helps me.” Kanryou’s eyebrow raises hearing how breathless Eiharu is while speaking. “You’re breathless. Did you run here?”

“No way. I’m… Ugh, it’s probably heatstroke.”

“You clearly are. I’m just making sure.” Kanryou lightly touches Eiharu’s side neck. “Come with me to my office. I’ll give you first aid.”

“Do I need to?”

“You don’t want to pass out on your way home, do you?”

Eiharu groans. “Okay, after my mother takes these away.”

Good thing, Haruna showed up right after Eiharu said those words. Her worried expression forced Eiharu to straighten his sitting posture.

“Eiharu, are you okay?”

“Yeah, just cooling down.”

“It’s so hot outside. Why didn’t you bring an umbrella with you?”

Eiharu doesn’t respond to her question; he just hands the bag. “I made extra for Hagino-san as well.”

“Oh, thank you. He’ll be happy--” her gaze lands on the box in Kanryou’s hand, “...you made one for Yukisada-kun as well?”

“I made too many.”

“I told Eiharu-san that I want to have a taste.”

It’s said simultaneously; Kanryou and Eiharu look at each other right after they speak. Haruna squints her eyes suspiciously.

“Yukisada-kun… you call him by his name?”

“Oh… I want to avoid confusion between you and him, Seishichi-san. I have no other intention.”

“Is that so…” Haruna is still eyeing them, observing their behavior and looking for any suspicious gestures. Eiharu had already averted his gaze since before and pretended like he didn’t notice her deep stare. “Well, anyway, I’ll look for an umbrella first. You look like you’re about to pass out.”

“I’m fine, Mom. I’ll sit here for a bit before going home.”

“But still--”

“Seishichi-san, don’t worry,” Kanryou gently butts in, “I planned to give him first aid. I’ll make sure he’s better before I let him go.”

“Oh, will you? Are you free right now?”

“Yes, I have no appointment currently.” Kanryou grabs Eiharu’s arm and carefully pulls him to stand. “It’s crowded here. I’m sure Eiharu-san is uncomfortable. We’ll wait in my office instead.”

“Ah, you’re right. In that case, I leave him in your care, Yukisada-kun. Eiharu, you have to listen to him, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Getting dragged away by Kanryou with so many people around is embarrassing, but since it saves him from further preaching from Haruna, he has no other choice. Though, he could feel Haruna’s stare digging a hole in his back as they walked away.

Compared to the crowded lobby, Kanryou’s office feels like a luxury. Eiharu lies on the sofa with a damp towel covering his eyes and forehead. His breathing is much more controllable now, though his body is still uncomfortable thanks to the cold sweat and air.

“Just take off your jacket. I have an extra towel if you want to wipe off your sweat.”

“I don’t wear anything beneath.”

“More reason for you to take it off.” Kanryou puts a bigger towel and water bottle on the coffee table beside the sofa. “You’ll catch a cold like this.”

Eiharu lifts the towel on his face and frowns at Kanryou. “You want me to undress here?”

“Or behind the curtain if you prefer some privacy.” Kanryou points at the curtain separating a medical bed and his desk. “Unfortunately, I don’t have a toilet here.”

“....”

Eiharu sighs and gets up. He grabs the towel before walking behind the curtain. While wiping his sweat away, he accidentally glances at his reflection in the mirror. Unkempt hair, exhausted face, and skinny body. There is nothing attractive to see in him, thus why he doesn’t want to undress in front of Kanryou. As a Doctor, Eiharu is sure Kanryou has seen so many body types and won’t bother with Eiharu. But it doesn’t work that way with Eiharu’s low self-esteem.

“By the way, EIharu-san.”

Kanryou’s voice snaps Eiharu from his wandering thoughts. His hand moves again, continuing his distracted work. “What?”

“Can I eat now?”

“Yeah?” Eiharu turns his head even though he can’t see the other man. “I mean, why ask me?”

“Oh, no reason.” Eiharu chuckles. “Thanks for the lunchbox, by the way.”

Honestly, Eiharu forgets he gave one to Kanryou. “Oh, so that’s why you’re asking.”

“Mmhm. Have you eaten yet? It’s already past lunch hour.”

“For me, it’s too early to have lunch.”

“Hmm… do you always have a late dinner as well?”

“Pretty much.”

“Hmm.”

Eiharu expected a scolding about his messy lifestyle, but even as he waited for a while, Kanryou said nothing more. Eiharu can hear the soft noise he makes as he eats, though.

”I don’t know what you like,” Eiharu breaks the silence to end his own awkwardness, “and I don’t take personal requests in summer, so… it’s whatever is available in my fridge.”

“I’m not picky, don’t worry. But now that I have a taste, I understand why everyone likes it.”

“I don’t think it’s… that good.”

“It is. Not the kind of five-star hotel good, but like homemade good.”

“What’s that?” Eiharu chuckles lightly. “But thanks.”

“Next time, I’ll pay properly like the others.”

“Ah, you don’t have to.”

“Please don’t refuse, Eiharu-san. It’s my way of appreciating something you made.”

Eiharu fell silent. Unlike how the nurses often asked him to put something extra for free, Kanryou casually insisted on paying when he didn’t even think of ever charging him. He can’t help but feel happy.

“Okay, then.” EIharu inhales. “Next time, I’ll tell you the schedule.” He gets out of the curtain, already wearing his jacket back. “Thanks for the towel. I’ll wash it first, so I’ll take it home.”

“Oh, no need. We have people in charge of the laundry. Just leave it in the box.” Kanryou is also done with his lunch. He grabs the towel from Eiharu’s hand and puts it away himself. “Are you feeling better?” He’s about to touch Eiharu’s neck again, but Eiharu looks away before he does.

“I am. I better go home now.”

“Are you sure? You still look pale.”

“Mm. The towels helped, thanks. Can I take the bottle with me?”

Kanryou hands the bottle of water. His eyes still observe Eiharu’s condition even though he doesn’t try to stop him. When Eiharu nods at him as he bids goodbye, Kanryou smiles and waves. Good for EIharu; Kanryou doesn’t offer to walk him out. It would be harder for him to lie that way. Half of him ponders if Kanryou believes his lie, so he is stalling on purpose to see if Kanryou will stop him. Since he doesn’t, Eiharu immediately leaves.

On his fourth step leaving the hospital building, Eiharu immediately regrets his decision. The sun feels twice as hot now; atop his head is burning. His hood doesn’t help alleviate the heat, just giving him a slight shade to protect his eyes. However, with how bright it is, his eyeballs still feel the pain and the headache. It took everything of his willpower not to stagger around. It would be too embarrassing if he fell--or worse, passed out.

But, since he is too focused on his feet, he doesn’t see the pole standing in his path. Before his head hits the steel pole, someone grabs his arm and pulls him back.

“Be careful, Mister. Are you okay? You’re staggering. Shouldn’t you head to the building and not outside?”

Eiharu, amidst his confusion between the pole and this gentleman, had to look back and forth a few times before his gaze stopped at this guy’s face. The striking red hair, the sweet yet cold smile, and the gentle words said through a poisonous, alluring voice were something Eiharu hadn’t heard in so, so long, yet something he never forgot no matter how many years had passed.

He freezes. His body turns rigid as the familiar cold pools around the tip of his fingers and toes. He thought a decade's worth of void was enough to numb his feelings; oh, how wrong he was. How naive he was by thinking he was already breaking free from this man’s shadow. While he knows the world is cruel, he doesn’t think the chance of them meeting would be higher than zero. Isn’t that the main reason why he refuses to socialize and hide inside his bedroom all day long? So that he would never see this man ever again in his life?

“Mister, you’re so pale.” The man reaches out to touch Eiharu’s cheek. “I think you badly need a doctor.”

The touch is light and innocent. The words said are evident with worry. For a brief moment, Eiharu thought this person was being genuine. But the awful memories surging in his head prevent any good thought from passing his mind. Eiharu involuntarily shivers. He hates this situation. He hates how the chill spreads all over his body. He hates the way his stomach churns uncomfortably. Beneath his medical mask, Eiharu’s lips are trembling in both rage and fear.

“Don’t worry, I know a good doctor. I’ll help you get in touch with him, alright?”

Eiharu instantly breaks away from his grip. His fist is clenching until his fingers turn white.

-Yuzawa… Toshiya-

Eiharu will never forget the bastard who almost sent him to his grave, even if this memory will crush him one day.

“Don’t worry, Mister. I--”

“I’m okay.” Eiharu grits his teeth and hates how shaky his voice is as he speaks. “I don’t need your help.”

Eiharu turns around and dashes. He runs, and runs, and runs, and only stops when his legs no longer listen to his brain to keep moving. His pace decreases before it halts to a complete stop. His breathing is loud, rugged, and burning. His vision is white and teary, and his heart is thumping mad, ready to jump out of his ribcage. His limbs are shaking uncontrollably. Compared to the dizziness as the heatstroke got into him, this is tenfold worse. However, he can’t stop here. He can’t break down here.

So, he forces his legs to keep moving. Even as his vision blurred and fuzzy from tears, even as he painfully breathed in and out, even as his limbs ached with each step, he forced his body to return to his only sanctuary.

-I have to go home first-

-I have to return first-

-I ha ve to g o ba ck fi r st-

Eiharu is too shaken; he can’t even form a perfect syllable in his mind. The last strain of his willpower exerted to bring himself to the safety of his own house, the only place--despite the non-existent safety--that protects him from anything but himself. The place that ironically prisons him with his dangerous thoughts.

He doesn’t remember how he returned in such a state. He didn’t know since when he curled under the blanket with cold sweat rolling down his temple. His feet and hands are freezing; blowing it with his shaky lips barely helps.

-Yuzawa… Toshiya-

How life is so unfair. It hasn’t had enough torturing him yet. It still wants more. Or else, it won’t let him meet that person.

-Yuzawa… Toshiya-

Strong feelings carved a deep impression. The worse the memory, the more it imprinted. Between his childish love and unresolved hatred, the latter left a more significant impact on his life, whether he wants it. He tried to erase it, and he gave up. It’s easier for him to bask in the uncomfortable numbness than looking for an excuse to forgive and move on. He has lived with the pain for too long, and he doesn’t know how not to do so.

Eiharu touches his chest. The ache, the frustration, the outrage, the anguish, everything diluted into one and molded into something else he was overly familiar with yet ignored;

Fear.