2 The inmates
Im back at the centre after 3 days in hospital having IV medication. I also had an around the clock chaperone to ensure I didn't do further harm to myself whilst in the hospital. It is intrusive and annoying, but I understand why they need to make sure I'm supervised at all times, I can't be trusted, they don't want to be sued!
The staff at The Phoenix centre are watching me even closer now too. I guess they are worried about being held responsible for me managing to injure myself, since I was in their care when I opened up my leg, and again when I sliced my wrists.
Kelly has basically become a limpet, attached to me at all times, and I mean at ALL TIMES. I can't even pee alone! Serves me right I suppose. I know what I do is wrong, I know it makes life difficult for others, but it's a compulsion. I have no idea why it helps me soothe the monsters in my mind but they temporarily quieten while I'm feeling the acute pain of the first cut. I feel the poison leaving my body as the blood flows from my veins. The pain proves to me I do actually have feeling, as usually I feel numb, it proves to me that I am human. I feel that the only way my troubled psyche can gain freedom and peace will be to purge my body of the evil that resides there. Unless I die the evil will remain within me.
Today is my first day back in group therapy. I hate it. A room full of damaged, troubled young people, all mired down in their own personal wars with the demon that is mental illness, fighting evils of their own creation.
Between the group of us we have a schizophrenic, 2 sufferers of major depression, an anorexic, a pyromaniac, 2 IED's, an OCD sufferer and 2 DID's. We are a very damaged collective. I wonder what good will come of so many disturbed and unstable people in one room, pouring their hearts out? I can only see bad and useless things coming from it. I often refuse to attend but that gets punished with loss of all privileges, so I end up going along. I have yet to speak during a session, but I now know more about my fellow inmates than I would ever want to.
Gemma is 18 and has been here at the centre for six weeks now. She has obsessive compulsive disorder. She has many compulsions, including checking all food she eats for contaminants, checking all electrical items are unplugged and switched off after use. She is also deathly afraid of touching anything without it being cleaned first, she will not eat in public, and she has a need for symmetry and order in all things. When I'm feeling particularly naughty I will wear odd socks to group. This little naughtiness sends her behaviours into overdrive and she ends up back in her room performing her orderliness rituals, tidying and straightening all objects in her room, making and remaking her bed, checking all her clothes are ordered from left to right and in rainbow colours. I once watched her spend 293 minutes repositioning the items on her bedside table. OCD is so time consuming!
Alfie is our resident pyromaniac. Also 18 years old, he spent around 7 years in total in and out of young offenders institutions before arriving here a month ago after his release from his most recent jail stint. He has set fire to cars, garden sheds, dumpsters, open fields and even his science lab at school. He was incarcerated last for endangering life and arson after burning his care home to the ground. He says he doesn't intend to harm others, he just loves to see things burn. Our psychiatrist believes it is a response to his past traumas. Born to a drug addicted prostitute he was left alone for long periods as he grew up while his mum was either turning tricks or shooting up. He remembers being around 4 or 5 years old, home alone, hungry and freezing cold. He hadn't seen his mum for what he calls 'an eternity' and was attempting to make himself warmer by using a lighter to set fire to his bedding in the middle of the lounge. The entire place caught light and he was lucky to be rescued before he was overcome by smoke inhalation. He was not lucky enough to escape a severe burn to the entire left side of his face and neck, leaving him with no ear, just a hole in the side of his head, horrific scars that rival those of Freddie Krueger, and limited movement in his neck. He was placed into care at that point and has never seen his mum since. He doesn't even know whether she is still alive.
Alfie has been addicted to fire starting ever since. He describes the excitement he gets when he hears the pops and crackles as the fire takes hold and the low roaring sound of the flames sweeping through a structure, how much he loves the smell of smoke on his skin and clothes. He tells us that fire makes him feel secure, and despite the fact it caused his disfigurement, it makes him feel safe. He describes watching flames sweep through a building like watching a ballet, intense and powerful emotions of excitement fill him while watching the flames dance, consuming all in its path, the heat embracing him. Maybe if I'm lucky I can get him to set fire to the centre with me inside.
Katrina is 16. She is from Russia originally but has been in the UK for the last 4 years after being brought here by her father. Her mother is the world famous Liliana Pankov, prima ballerina for the Bolshoi ballet company, 90lb of perfectly proportioned, blonde and beautiful grace. She is also incredibly cruel and demanding. Her heart pumps pure unadulterated poison around her tiny frame. Katrina was groomed to be her mothers successor from birth. After she was born her mother immediately began her training. At only 6 weeks old she would have her splinted into a box split position for 3 hours twice a day. She was underfed by half for her entire life and made to take gymnastics classes to maintain and improve her balance and flexibility. She was even sent to a weight loss boot camp during every school holiday. The intention to improve her stamina and strength with the gruelling physical exercise routines, although she says that she didn't mind being sent there too much as the food portions there were actually larger than she got at home! Katrina is a naturally gifted dancer, her mothers genes strong in her, but she was made to dance for hours every single day of her life and began to resent it and her mother more and more as she grew up. She would be called vile names, shouted at and hit with a walking stick if she made mistakes. At age 12 Katrina took her final beating. She flipped out, took the stick from her mother and beat her to death! I expected that 85lb Katrina was our anorexic. Nope. Katrina is our resident IED, suffering from Intermittent explosive disorder, a very apt description of her illness, she was sent here by a court at 'Her majesty's pleasure' for treatment after the Russian police traced her and her father Roman here and allowed the UK justice system to deal with her. Being sent to hospital rather than to prison upset half the world, the sensational story of a world famous prima ballerina murdered by her own child drawing attention from news outlets around the world!
Our anorexic is Tate, 19 years old and male! I didn't know males suffered with anorexia. I truly believed it was a wholly female condition..... I was wrong. Tate actually weighs 110lb, which doesn't sound too bad until you know he is 6 foot 4 inches tall!! He tells us that he was always 'The fat Kid' at school. Never picked for sports teams, placed at the back of all group photos, relentlessly bullied by the boys at school and ridiculed by the girls. Always alone, the butt of all the jokes, he refused to eat at school as anytime he put food to his lips he was hit with a barrage of abuse and fat shamed. He confesses to overeating when at home, buying huge quantities of junk food and snacks, eating in secret at night in his room. He obviously gained an enormous amount of weight, which led to even more bullying and victimisation. The girls whispering behind their hands as he passed them in the corridors at school, not quietly enough that he couldn't hear them though, the names he was called becoming progressively worse. He shares with us that he would spend hours in his room looking in the mirror berating himself. He became his own worst bully, someone he hated. He would stand there in the mirror doing the exact same thing the bullies did, looking at imperfections, calling himself names… hating his body but hating his weakness more. The final straw came for him when he was tripped in the hall and broke both arms in the fall, his arms unable to support his full weight, snapping the humerus, ulna and radius bones in both limbs. He could not lift himself from the floor because of the pain in his arms. Of course, many of his peers saw this happen, pointing, laughing, name calling and of course as is the norm nowadays, filming it for YouTube and TikTok.
He was in double casts for 10 weeks, arms set at 90 degrees. He had no way to eat as he couldn't get his hands anywhere near his mouth. He was too embarrassed and proud to accept help, so was given a liquid diet as he was able to manage a straw if someone placed a bottle in front of him. Once his casts came off he had lost 45lb, he no longer felt hungry, and spurred on by the fact that all his clothes were all far too big he continued on a liquid only diet, reducing the amount he drank every day, then eventually replacing that fortified calorie controlled fluid for light soy milk, then just water with one apple or banana per day. He did this for six months and revelled in all the attention his rapid weight loss gained him..... his parents finally had him admitted here for treatment 8 weeks ago once he was discharged from hospital. He has gained 2lb in that time and is very upset about that.
The new guy who has just joined us for group today is called Cooper, he's 21 and he has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and he tells us, he also suffers with Major depression. He has been admitted here as a private patient like Tate, and has been here for 5 days. He's pretty quiet so far and he hasn't had much to say, he prefers to listen and observe for today to get comfortable with group therapy.
The last member of our group, afflicted with Major depression, intermittent explosive disorder and Dissociative identity disorder is yours truly! Yep, I'm a mess. This is my 3rd admission to the centre and this time I've been here for 6 months, ever since my brother died.
My first admission was back when I was 11. I had beaten a classmate during a science lesson after he committed the absolutely unacceptable crime of borrowing my pen, breaking a glass beaker in his neck. He almost bled out, but Drs were able to save him. I have absolutely no recollection of that attack, or the 3 days that followed it, during which I attempted to take my life for the first time.
The boy I attacked survived, his family decided they thought I needed treatment rather than punishment so decided not to press criminal charges as long as my family got me treated. I spent 5 long months here that time, and left with 3 diagnosed mental illnesses!
My second admission was when I was 15. My brother had been accused of sexually abusing me and was sent to a young offenders institution on remand while the case was investigated. I was horrified. I had apparently been the accuser, but again, I have no memory of that. I can't believe my brother would do that to me, and can't understand why I wouldn't remember something like that either. Jaxon was my best friend, we had secrets that we promised never to share with anyone else, my trust in him infinite. My brothers biggest secret was that he was gay. Our parents are very judgemental and old fashioned, and of the opinion that homosexuality is a lifestyle choice! You can understand why he wouldn't want them to find out he was, as he put it, 'a fully paid up member of the rainbow fairies society!' Why would a gay man sexually abuse a girl? It made no sense. I spent just over 3 months here at that time.
