1 Adachi to Shimamura: Different kinds of pain and truth.

Adachi To Shimamura: Different kinds of pain and truth.

The street was silent; in some way this silence feels almost stunning. I guess it was. I couldn't hear anything at all.

I find myself coming back here days after that. Even if it's been so long, for some reason I could feel the pain the same way. For some reason my chest hurt. I felt pressure. I felt heavy. But all i could do about it was to put my hand over my chest and feel whatever it was; it's more like loneliness? if i think  about it. But if i thought about it just a little too much it actually hurt… a different kind of pain but pain nevertheless.

Where am I? The park near Shimamura's old house. I allowed myself to be lost in thought  while I was taking the train and walk all the way here. The park is at the end of this bridge, but I always stand at the end of the bridge and watch it from a distance. I hoped that there was someone there enjoying to prevent me from going back there to continue to keep pouring my suffering over this place, but there's no one.

 If I am being honest I feel as if I haven't seen a single person since I got out of home. Nowadays, I walk while keeping my head held down so that I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't look at anyone at all.

"Shimamura".

Even after she's gone I could still see her, but just in the places we'd been. I find myself tracking steps we took wishing that I'd be able to see her again, but recently the places seem to be losing whatever it was that made me see her.

That's why I'm here.

I slowly stepped out of the bridge and headed to the park. I was holding my bag really hard. I could hear the sound of the river slowly disappearing as I walked away from it. The closer I got to the park the harder I grabbed on my bag. And I'm here.

I lifted up my foot right after to take a step to the sand of the park. And when I did I could feel the sand gently gave way to my shoe. I looked around hoping someone was there so I could stop myself from taking the next step. No one. Not even at the distance. It was just me, my bag, and the reddish sky.

I closed my eyes and grunt. But I kept walking towards the swings. A few steps later I was standing in front of them. Chains get rustier with time; not that I came to check but that definitely wasn't in their original state. Even the seats were a little more damaged than last time. I guess people do come here still…

I pulled the bag out of my back, and inside there was it--the can. I sat in one of the seats and watched inside my bag, the can was still there unsurprisingly , I  looked at the seat on my right side. No one  was there.

Could it really be? I let my bag rest on my lap and my right hand grabbed the rusty chain that kept this thing hanging; and my left hand reached out to the seat next to mine. I waved my hand as though to touch if someone was there but it's just air slipping through my fingers. Looking down, I balance myself and give all the responsibility of keeping me here to my feet. Now both of my hands rested in my lap. I took one more look around, then at the seat next to mine and the can. I know it isn't real…

"But..."

I pulled out the can from out of the bag. The can that's been with me all of this time. I tilted my head down letting my hair cover all of my field of vision.

"I feel like I've seen that can somewhere". Said Shimamura.

"Shima--"

She appears whenever I hold the can she had given me that one time. It works with whatever things she gave me; but with this can, it is stronger.

"I guess I really like this can". I said. I couldn't stop myself from forcing a tiny fake smile.

"Ha-ha…I see. So, how have you been, Adachi?".

I felt horrible. I feel so tired and sad everyday. Whenever a thought of you crossed my mind, I wanted to cry, scream and pull out whatever that makes my chest feel so heavy.

I turned around to see her, and there she was, someway she has a mix of all the versions i know of her, she looks like her final day, the day i meet her and at the same time it doesn't look like her at all, but is really beautiful, beautiful as i always perceived her.

Preventing myself to break down and cry, i said:

"A little sad…"

"Sad? Adachi, did something happen?"

She turned my way, with a concerned look.

"Well yeah! S-Shimamura you d-died…"

I couldn't hold it; I wasn't able to. While saying that tears escaped from my eyes.

As I implied, this wasn't the first time I've told her this. Even so, I always broke whenever  she asked me if something was wrong.

Hum… I see.

She inclined towards me, she started smiling and the sun reflecting on her really made her look like an angel.

"Adachi I'm really sorry for leaving you. I told you I was going to take a nap but I never woke up. My last dream was about you though, want to hear it?"

"Y-Yeah!".

She remained smiling and leaned towards me. She was almost at the edge of her seat.

The bag had fallen to the ground  with a soft thud yet my hand was holding the can really strong. I couldn't deform it anymore as this wasn't the first time for this to happen. My other hand was holding onto the rusty chains of the swing.

"Adachi, I dreamed of that one time we had met each other. I dreamed about that time we had held hands for the first time. I dreamed about that time we had sung together. I dreamed of that time we slept together. I dream about the time you had given me flowers. I dream about that time we went on a trip. I dreamed about that time you had been jealous. But most importantly I dreamed about that time I said ``I love you" because I always did.

"Shima-Mura". I burst into tears. And i fell and screamed:

"SHIMAMURA!"

"SHIMAMURA!!"

"SHIMAMURAAAA!!!!"

It hurt. It HURT It hurt more than running away from home. It hurt more than being unable to understand what she was saying. It hurt more than anything because it was true.

She loved me and I loved her. It hurt because this is the reality that I was alive and she was dead.