1 pt. 4 intro. to the peanut gallery, and a little bit of yammering...

Now then, I'm going to write, to a feeling I find myself having more and more memories of and fondness for lately, joy and happiness, contentment? Sometimes but, to joy, it's opposite dread, and, all those feelings leading up to it and those, mercenary sentry and secondary emotions, which I'll do after these joyous experiences transcend my current sheen of anxiety. Joy, joy. I even have to say it twice! It's like I've known your face, joy, that heart-shaped place, I dread not knowing, i fear not needing joy, and so, I waste time fearing the loss of joy, instead of reeling and basking in the experience of, this, joy, this, here this, now,... the ability to convey my experience, of joy, with these words, in itself, is another joy, the words that achieve expression, that gain the world and become a part of its influence, Wether they're spoken, written, sung out or, shouted, whispered, mentioned, asked, inferred? Inquired?? All I know is that I'm more fascinated with words than ever I have been with persons or influences or, well, I can't say I love words more than love but, most of the time, you need words in order to get love! It's one of those things you just can not take without communicating somehow. You should know of course, that some people know love differently than personal and or emotional love which, specializes in and attracts those most popular altered states of consciousness and or reality, brought on most commonly by chemicals, alcohol, drugs, living, adrenaline, endorphins,... really though, if I could put a very fine point on this altered state of experiencing things, the finer edge experiences, which find the very most intense perceptive connotations ingrained within the psyches of these experiencers, the living ones living mostly for the most extreme intensities, Wether you jump out of an airplane or bungee jump, or rock climbing or rappelling, or you write on a deadline, pushing the envelope of knowing more than you were previously comfortable with knowing, or supposing about the world you believe you live in, as opposed to the world you want to live in, all these experiences can make you refine your own personal brand of fearlessness and, of course relieve you of your previous fears, the fears which don't serve you, and the fears which only the fearful understand, cannot be universal but this is only, because every human being is afraid at some point in their core, that they are each and all, completely different and will never be understood yet, therein lie a great absurdity, the one which tells us all innately, intrinsically, of that complete and total connection with every single piece of matter, that were all so afraid of fearing. How's that for absurd? Fearing fear! I know a little about fear, maybe even alot but, to be honest, fear, is really only an illusion or, more accurately, fear is a decoration, provided by your senses, to mark out a perceived threat which, well, must be communicated with by means of either verbal or physical self defense. And if one learns both kinds of self defense, it provides that whole other range of options that doesn't involve violent reaction, if society or, the leading authorities, would begin to accept that humans need to expect each other to want to defend themselves, then I believe that would begin to lower public resentment toward the authorities, who could also benefit greatly by releasing and letting go, of the racism lessons which our species seems to obsess in the relearning of. The big message here, that I'm going going for is, Let there be room in your life for the appreciation of things AND people. NOT JUST FEAR! there can be merit in living only within that one state, but if this state becomes focused and concentrated, by a certain type of experience, (trauma or combat situations) for a given amount of time, (ask any combat vet.) Then the human range of emotions, becomes less accessible to the senses because our natural human trait of empathy begins to kick into higher gear and fuels our fear instead of our love, with sympathy. There are three types of matter. Thesis, Antithesis and, when combined, Synthesis, mankind (from one perspective) represents thesis, making womankind, the antithesis or, if you're a woman, you're the thesis and the man, the antithesis. So, if this dynamic is so adherent to common culture, then what or rather, who, are the synthesis? What do men and women synthesize naturally? It seems that, through the natural desire for pleasure, and the urge urge to procreate, men and women synthesize other men and women, but must first, raise these new beings to become their own, men and women, there is a precious and irreplaceable time in every human life, childhood. This time in life, and the experiences had during this time, create a context for how each person experiences and relates with the worlds we live in. If trauma is experienced, then its related, if joy is experienced then it's related. The real trick to raising well adjusted offspring is, getting them to recognize the joyous experiences and relations but also, teaching them when self defense is necessary and appropriate, and how those traumas everyone wants and needs to avoid, can relate and experience, with their own sets of contemporaries. Learn from trauma or learn from love though, and the reasons behind cultural conflict begin to emerge because of our need for identity and individuation among a group of safe and secure identities. the next step beyond cultural acceptance, I don't and couldnt know, but, it will most definitely involve language, and conveying the very most meaning, with the very fewest number of words, because, the less chat more splat mentality, is one of the very fewest absolutely universal truths out there, which a part of every major culture can and does actively relate with on nearly every single level, financial, emotional, physical, competitive, respective, elective, etc. Etc. But, as for the macro versus micro worldviews availabe, the leading edge is always being moved and controlled by financial interests only, and if the world never learns to be secure in its figurative, financial worth, (as well or greater than,) literal, (financial worth), and or value, then it may never realize the worths and or values of all those other levels of worth and value, emotional, physical, competitive, respective, elective, and they may just remain metaphorical, academic, only perceived never actualized, and as merely evanescent, as the Mona Lisa smile is, to whatever it is, behind her eyes. Think about that a second, a smile. Just a smile. Nothing more. A smile. Whatever internal response that smile precipitates within you, can create a new life, a new reality, a new experience. It can create insecurity, if the smilee, is attracted enough to the smiler, but, hey, smile back sometime! Just smile! It's just a smile! You're on camera! Hey! Imagine this, just imagine, that every word you say is actually being recorded by some, being some, actual God or devil or, data computer thingy comglomerate, that you actually paid to record and replay your Internet preferences back to you, imagine the data core, imagine, there is an entire level to this data core which is entirely dedicated to cybercrime, and is moderated, monitored and run, by human eyes, minds and, decisions, trained to hone in on certain keywords and phrases, code functions, algorithms, each of these trained data miners working in specific divisions, teams, and specializations, on a constant evaluation and assessment of a range of different environments like, the natural environment, the environments of confinement, social environs, hazardous environs, comfortable environs, digital environs, virtual environs, do I I need i need to I need to say environs or environment again? Or do I really think I need to kick the shit out of president Donalds value system, for capitalizing on the potential destruction of the actual environment, by way of things like the route of the standing rock pipeline, the assaults he's preparing on different countries, and the conflicts those assaults could precipitate on their respective environments, which we, the people, all have to live in. I don't like the idea of kicking the shit out of a business man's value systems, but, if they involve destroying natural environments, air, water, plant and wild life, then, I'm going to need a grossly ignored number of supporters to voice their concerns for these and other environs. Here, what about social climate? There's political climate, financial climate, educational climate, family climate, there's also different ecosystems but, those, are always much more complicated to discuss for the elements of each eco-system both hold each other up but also appear, to stand alone in terms of potential exploitation, though they may not, actually. The massive congregation of elements, systems, individuals and groups, in any environment, always will have a relation to some larger creation or creator, or, system, of wheels within wheels but, all that knowledge, is nothing, compared to the journey or extended moment, of getting or being there, Wether you acclimatize to staying in a given moment is or should be up to you individually but, the world contains alot, of desires! And those desires, when gathered can create a momentum for attracting whatever desires it's after, and that, tends to motivate it's reciprocal, fear. And how exactly, do I know that the world is moved by desire and fear? What are the things that distract you from what's important? I must know? Wait, I must know so I can give you what you want! And maybe even learn more about my own desires and fears, and if, you let me know what you want, maybe I'll do the same. I like being alone sometimes, just sitting in my apartment, giggling lightly about the fact that i am not homeless anymore! Just loving the air as it brings in more of this potential laughter that I feel, this happy feeling that hey, I am alive! I am in MY HOUSE! These are MY THINGS! I don't have to put up with a roommate, I may decide that I want one but, it's not something I'm rushing into. Nearly everything I have access to, that I actually want, is free! I would like more nonplastic friends, and a future with a woman, but for now, i feel I must reduce the number of social illusions I allow myself to be influenced by, because, im emotionally unavailable to social convention, or something of the like, and feel I could actually graduate, from the college of self deception and I don't like the idea of that, intermingling with a thing like love, and loving another human because, who knows, where that self deception moves into the deception of the other, the loved, I'm articulate enough to tell you I appreciate love but afraid enough of it, to know it can be used for other things but, really, I can't help but have hung on to my original inquisitiveness, and the science of experience that I perceived the world to be, when I was young.

I am a 43 year old man now, at this point, and a certain amount of energy, both psychic and physical, has been invested by me, in the craft of writing, my personality just seemed to require it of me and my actions, to harness, and drive, those trains of thought, wherever they needed to go, I still enjoy writing sometimes, even though I haven't any formal training in it, my investment in it, has fueled a certain amount of my lifetime and even though I know for certain, that even some, of those writings, will never see a bookshelf, or a printers desk, an editors slush pile even, I'll still know something that nobody else does. I'll know my very own secrets of the universe and the how and why's that come flittering down around most, to the surprise of some, which I somehow just knew already, and how they all fall into place in the natural order of things.