40 As You Like It

I laid there with my eyes wide open, trying to think of everything that I could say to him, so he will understand that just having him around for me, having my body, and pretending to be my boyfriend doesn't count as having him in the way that I want. "What else do you want now?" he asked, still leaning over me.

He removed his hand from over my mouth and smiled at me like I was a baby. His thumb brushed over my lips, slowly tracing down to my chin like he was studying my skin and bone structure. "I want to be your girlfriend, for real. I want to stop pretending. I want to call you 'mine' in every way possible."

He retreated his hand from my face, but he was still leaning over me. He was deeply immersed in thoughts as he sat back in his chair. "I don't want to circle the drain like this with you, Meg. You were all in for this, and you knew what I was offering. Now you ended up in a hospital because you couldn't take that I was not emotionally open for you? What did I tell you before then?"

I sighed as his words tore every bit of my soul into the piece. I knew this was it, I didn't have to take him any longer, and all my hopes were crushed for good. "I am sorry, Dyl, but I won't be able to help you any longer. I am sure you can make your grandma understand that you are a very different man now, and you will take care of what you inherit. This is anyway, not the right way to get it."

He sat there without saying a word, and my heart was beating fast, anticipating what might be his reaction. But my decision seemed right, and I knew this was something that I should have done a long back. "So you teach me right and wrong now? You tell me what I should do and what I shouldn't be doing? How cute! Megan, now you listen carefully. I liked you a lot, but I am not sure if you need to tell me like this that you cannot do this with me."

Dylan's words were calmer and softer like always, but my throat was ready for a scream. I wanted to burst and let everything that piled up inside me out. It would get dirty, I know, and I still wanted to do it regardless. "How else should I tell you? You know, what Dylan, I liked you from the moment I laid eyes on you. I wanted to have you the moment you touched me. I wanted to be your girlfriend the moment you kissed me. Is that what I should I be telling you?"

His eyes were wide-eyed as he tried to fathom the depth of words that I just showered on him like a bunch of arrows. "Does that mean you agreed to all this because you fell in love with me?" he asked. I gulped down nervously, and I was sweating profusely.

"I never said that I fell in love with you, Dylan! But I can't lie to you, so..." I trailed off as I looked at his face, which was full of disappointment, and shades of anger danced around like shadows, which made me feel terrified as each second passed in his proximity.

He stood up from his chair and started pacing up and down the room as though he was in some physical pain. "Say something, Dylan!" I said after a while when I realized his silence was making me feel more uncomfortable than ever, and now I had nothing to lose with him.

"What is there left to say for me, Meg? I don't know what to do. You disappoint me, beyond my imagination. But I am more disappointed in myself that I was the man who played with a girl's feelings even if I had no idea about it," his words made me realize that the situation was beyond serious than it could ever be, and everything was my fault.

"Why, Meg? Why did you do it even after I said everything?" he asked after a long pause. I looked at him briefly and then turned my eyes away from him quickly in a desperate attempt to hide my guilt.

"I don't know why, but I felt it was right at the moment. You needed someone in your life, and I loved you enough to sacrifice my happiness to get you what you want. Maybe I was too naive or stupid, but I just wanted to do it, and I still do, but I had no idea that it will be torture to have something but not fully," I said, and my eyes started filling up with tears.

Dylan stopped and approached the bed as he heard my words, his face was like an enigma where I couldn't possibly sense what he must be feeling or thinking about. "Are you joking, Meg? This is not a game we are playing in life. How could you agree to all my shit, knowing that you had feelings for me and this deeply? How will I ever be able to forgive myself?"

I could sense that he was on the verge of tears, and I felt even more terrible than I was feeling a little ago. But I was at peace that I finally told him my truth, and there was nothing hidden between us anymore. "It was my fault, Dyl. You didn't do anything. You treated me with respect and the love that you gave me. I have not felt that from anyone in my entire life. You accepted me for who I am, and I will be grateful for that my entire life."

I said as I knew this was a farewell, knowing him so far. I knew he will not let himself torture me anymore. It was a hard fact that what I felt for him, was never a possibility for him to feel for me. It was hard to ignore the psychoanalysis part of my decision that why did I end up here.

When a child is born to incompatible parents, who hate each other to death, and you are born as a burden to them, then the lack of love that you receive as a child will leave traumas. These traumas will not only reflect throughout your life but also, will leave repercussions in others' lives that you touch. And realizing where I stood as a person, I knew if at all, we ended up in a relationship, we were incompatible like my parents.

He will never be able to love me as I do, and it is unfair to anyone to have to endure the repercussions of other people's decisions. "Meg, we should stop seeing each other for your good. I hope you will be able to forgive me, and I will find it in myself to forgive myself at some point," Dylan's voice had the intensity of the waves in the ocean, which were getting harder and harder every time it pulled back.

My heart was breaking in several pieces as well as I heard his words. I knew I will be damaged beyond repair myself. "Because you had a tragedy in your life, you are actively pushing everyone away and bringing more tragedy to yourself. And me, as a result of a tragedy that started even before I was born, I bring more tragedy to myself. Life is such a paradox and an irony in itself."

He didn't respond in any way to my words but just stroke my hair slowly with his right hand and kissed my forehead like he was seeing me for the last time there. "If you need me, I will be there, but I hope this is the last time we seeing each other," he finally lets out a few words.

"I love you, Dylan!" I said as I sobbed softly in response to his words. "I know, and I don't!" he said and got up from the bed, and the next thing I knew was that I was in that room, left alone. My life felt lonelier than it has ever been, and I had no hopes of recovering from this ever.