18 Chapter 14: Writer's Entry (part 5)

Shiki stared at the ceiling, letting his thoughts run through his mind. He doesn't have a great amount of energy to stood up from his bed as if a big weight is holding him back. The sunrays that peek through his window aren't helping as if the sunray didn't give him hope to start his routine of the day. He heavily sighed as he sits up from his bed and looked around his room.

Few empty cup noodles and water bottles were placed on the floor, lots of paper and unironed clothes were scattered all over the place. He doesn't have the strength to clean everything up, he laid back to his bed and closed his eyes.

In the room that shuns light rays through his window, he felt he's falling on the black endless void. There was no one to reach out or perhaps he doesn't want to add his problem to some people that he knew that also had problems on their list. He doesn't have the strength to talk with anyone, no one understands your feeling except yourself but even him can't understand what he's feeling.

"Fuckkkkkk" he screamed, letting tears streamed down his cheeks.

Tired. Helpless. Hopeless.

Those words can't even reach on describing what he felt.

"I love you, my son"

"thank you so much, Shiki. Mom couldn't wait to use this to bake a cake for you"

"I'm so lucky to have a son like you, Shiki"

Those sentences run through his mind, Shiki inaudibly screamed as he let his tears streamed down his cheeks.

"You're not lucky to have a son like me...I'm a liar, Mom... I'm a liar" he muttered. "I'm a liar, you didn't live another day."

"If only..." Shiki muttered as he clenches his fist, "If only you can have the lung transplant earlier. You are probably alive right now"

Shiki quickly stood up, went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

As tears streamed down his cheeks, he wants to ask what's the meaning of life when everything is meaningless. Shiki felt tightness in his chest as he cries, he wants to scream to the world how tired he is, how he felt so useless.

He looked at the knife and tighten his grip. He turned around his wrist and put the knife above it, he closed his eyes as tears streamed down his cheeks.

He wants to rest.

"Shiki..." a gentle voice from Shiki's Mom popped in his head.

"Always take care of yourself, I'm so happy that I have a son like you. Always remember that I'm proud of you no matter and I love you. I love you so much, my son"

As he remembers the sentence his Mom always says, the knife fell to the floor as he bent and cried. Cried like a baby.

"Mom... I'm tired..."

Shiki put the muriatic acid down and looked at the paper that is piled from the table, he sat down and looked through the envelope. He halted as the letter is addressed for him.

He opened it and his eyes widened as he read it.

From: Nikaido Matsuda

To: Shiki Matsuda

Dear Shiki,

Hello, my son. How are you? Are you doing well? Sorry that you don't know where I am right now, my son. The reason why I left is to find a job, your mother probably didn't tell you the reason why.

She was against me, leaving the house to find a job. By the time you are reading this letter from me, forgive me.

Forgive me, my son, for not attending your birthdays, to be there to celebrate your success. Forgive me that I can't see you soon with your Mom. I'm diagnosed with coronary heart disease, my son. I took few treatments but it didn't take effect on me as how it affects me before"

I'm working at a construction site that my boss offered here in South Korea, I'm sorry that Dad suddenly went out without telling you. Your Mom is against it and I don't want you to be sent to an orphanage nor your Mom worked so hard for us.

Son, I know I'm not the best father. I hope to see you soon, my son. But if I failed to do so.. please, take care of your Mom for me. Cook her favorite food, buy her a beautiful dress and dance with her. Do the things that could make her happy, my son.

Know that I'm always proud of you. To have you as my son and I love you.

Wishing you well, my son.

Love, Dad

Shiki crushed the paper in his hand, tears streamed down his cheeks. He felt an inner conflict within him.

Shiki screamed. He screamed and think how unfair is the world. Shiki wants to be with his parents again.

"Do you want to see them again?"

A voice is heard. Shiki jolted and looked around.

"On one condition, you have to be signed a contract"

"Who are you?" Shiki asked, still looking around.

"Be one of us, Shiki Matsuda"

"What?"

"I have seen you, working so hard with your mother while your father suffered from a disease."

"You have built so much hatred in this world, the world is unfair yet you are still kind to others."

"That is my only humble offer to you. Be one of us"

The voice stated as he saw Mom and Dad including Shiki, smiling.

"Be one of you? Show yourself"

He turned around and saw a light that blinded my view, he quinted his eyes to see who was it. As the light faded, his eyes widened as he saw a tall figure man, wearing a bright white polo shirt and pants with its huge wings.

"Be one of us" he said with a gentle smile, reaching his hand out to Shiki.