The ugliness lies in my life

Today, my heart isn't clear again. And I can't think of anything fun to do.

Within a week, I work as a day laborer for four days and have three days off. Even during those days off, I spend them idly.

I graduated from university a long time ago, and my friends from that time have found proper jobs and are moving forward with their new lives. Meanwhile, I've lost confidence in myself and have become rather antisocial with people.

Even though no one has directly told me that I'm ugly or pathetic, I've slowly come to believe it. I have always had a tendency to see myself as inferior, but failing to find any jobs has made that trait more apparent.

Just seeing my own reflection in the mirror makes me nauseous. Even when I'm out, I become anxious, wondering if people around me are uncomfortable seeing me, so I try to walk with my head down as much as possible.

As a result, I can no longer approach my friends with whom I used to spend time with. I was never the type of person to initiate communication in the first place, and I ended up becoming a loner.

I have a family, but I haven't seen them for a while. I started living alone about a year after graduating from university because I got scared of their looks towards me, someone who hadn't been able to even find a decent job. We didn't have a particularly bad relationship, but I ran away from them because of my weakness.

Currently, my life consists of working and going home, so I'm not in desperate need of money. However, as someone who doesn't have any friends or a partner and has lost the understanding of desires, I didn't know how to use the money.

My current job doesn't require much communication skills, but I can't even improve on that ability. the only thing that really improved was the dark emotions inside of me.

I have distanced myself from the friends I had before, and I lack the determination and ability to make new friends. Besides, there's no way someone like me, with both an ugly appearance and heart, can make new friends.

This is how I, a failure, live day by day. But how long will this everyday life even continue?

Where did I go wrong? Perhaps, I made a mistake from the moment I was born?

My thoughts are always scattered, but there are a few things I am certain of.

I wanted to at least be born as a more normal human being.

I wanted to be born as a more average-looking guy.

I wanted to be born as a guy who could affirm myself a little more.

I wanted to be born into a world that is easier for me to live in.