13 chapter 13

Diary:

I know this is silly, considering am twenty years old, and have gone through two of these books by now, but I can't help it. I need to write down my thought, ideas, feelings everything in my life needs to go onto a piece of paper. I've found that to be therapeutic over the years. Tonight, am going to explain to you what's going on in my heart, not thoughts as usual but feelings...

I feel as though ever part of me is going to burst open and am going to be left as a splatter on the wall. That's how bad the ache for him is inside. I thought I'd settled that, but obviously no. Ever since the moment he's gotten here, I've been feeling like that young fifteen year I was the moment I first saw him standing across the cafeteria watching me. Its kind of ironic how life plays out I believe. It's weird that when you first meet someone, you don't understand the force or full effect they will have on your life at that time. But here it is four years later and I think I've grown to love him more than I had that day we were down in the basement. That day is among many that stick out in my mind. Is it possible to love someone even more than you did when you were together? is it possible to want someone even more than you did the first time you ever were intimate? is it possible to want to be with that person so much, that the ache in your heart makes everything else seem dull. The only time there seems to be any life in my heart, is when he's near. The only time that seems to be any flow is when we are in close proximity to one another.

Even earlier today, as I watched him smoke that cigarette and the fire teasing in his eyes, I wanted to feel his mouth over mine. I wanted to be the instrument that he played. So, tell me Dairy, why do I want to be in his presence?. Why do I want to be wherever he is?. I don't get it, I wonder if he'll ever get tired of me?.

He seems so different than what he was before. He's so much quieter than he was before. He's not as dare I say - passionate as he used to be. Did I really suck the life out of him? Was the fact his mother's and Nicholas death kill what he used to be before? I saw it in his eyes yesterday, that he felt inferior to Derek. If there's anything I can say that hasn't changed, is his eyes, the windows to his soul. He always allowed his emotions show through his eyes so his body body could be completely still, just as it had been at the restaurant and I could read every emotion. With the exception that he gets severely pissed and then his eyes just cloud over his rage. That's one of those looks I wouldn't care to see ever again. I don't think I'd ever see him as mad as the day I told him I was leaving.

I mean, the Lord knows I'd gotten him really angry plenty of times before, but the storm that raged within his eyes during that moment turned them black. It got me so scared, I swore that was going to be the last time I'd ever breathed. But no he didn't kill me, he just provoked me by hitting me. If there is one thing that could shatter any fear, it was being hit. I had allowed myself to be controlled and abused by Lamont earlier in those years, but when I broke free, I promised to never again allow a man to yield that kind of power over me. It was in that moment i saw red and felt a pain that no matter how many times Lamont had hit me, it'd never come to the pain I felt when he'd hit me that once.

Well, I know this is kind of an interrupted entry, but I must go, its three thirty right now, time for me to go to bed desperately.

That's all.

Denise~~.