28 28. Vladimir's secret hobby

[Caelicetus POV]

I was looking through a portal at the screen of a smartphone, it was in a place where there was a good connection. I was using a tactile pen to utilize the phone.

This smartphone that I stole. 

No.

I borrowed it without his permission and for an undetermined period from the president slash dictator of a country where vodka is water and bears are pets, otherwise known as Russia.

Unlocking it was annoying since Vladimir is a paranoid little human, I can understand why. But it's not like an alien is going to stall his phone, oh yes. I'm an alien and I 'borrowed' his phone. 

He was currently sleeping with a pillow of himself in his grasp. It's one of those otaku pillows with usually anime characters in the form of an underaged girl more or less nude on it.

I didn't know Russian but I learned it extremely fast, same for the other human written languages available on the Internet. 

They were all so simple to me… At the moment I know English, French, Latin, German, Norwegian, Chinese, Spanish, Hindi, Portuguese, Japanese, Korean, Arabic, and four dozen more.

'This needs to be shared with humanity. Even if my minds were forever tainted in the process.', I righteously decided.

Vladi-tan had a peculiar hobby, I discovered it while browsing through his photo gallery. He cosplayed as a multitude of magical girls. Hundreds and hundreds of pictures dressed in colorful costumes of all kinds, even bunny girl outfits.

There were also dozens of videos where he danced and sang while also cosplayed as famous magical girls.

All of them were one hundred percent real.

Those pictures and videos were showing most of his body. The rest left little to the imagination. I need bleach for my four eyes, no, something more powerful. Frankly, it didn't phase me.

I posted them. 

On the 27th of May 2014 at 5.43 p.m. Moscow hour. Vladi-tan's hidden side has been revealed to the world. 

And no matter what he will do or try to do to stop it, it will be in vain since I posted them via his different accounts that I changed the name to Vladi-tan the Magical Girl.

He was too prideful to say he was hacked as an excuse and even if he did, the damage is already done.

I'm not gonna lie, I was exactly searching for this kind of thing. To see what 'strange' things people this 'powerful' do in their pastime. Just to see that they also sometimes do things they like but are not proud of.

I frankly didn't care about the hundreds of Russian nuclear warheads illegally placed and hidden all over the world and ready to fire at any moment.

Or that Kennedy assassination was orchestrated by the KGB, Vladi-tan knowing this since he was part of it. That top secret information was more or less worthless to me since revealing them will only end in a global nuclear war and dead toys aren't funny.

If I want to end humanity, humanity will end. Their entire existence is in my fins.

I also discovered that the religion in my name, the Caelian Collective is way more popular than I imagined. It already has officially practically one billion believers and likely more than are hiding it.

It was a holy war between the different religions and it entangled politics and other beliefs. My little video somehow ended on the Internet, Elon Musk being the one to reveal it to the world. 

I wonder if he also wants to go to Caelum(Mars), surely going into the Abyss and going up from the lowest level will count? I think I will do that to the one stupid/brave enough.

I discovered that North Korea declared war on Caelum some time ago. Good for him. I don't care about his insignificant existence.

Speaking of Caelum, I wrote in braille on the Moon that it was the planet's name and not Mars. By the way, Caelum means the sky and heaven.

I didn't even try rule 34, I'm an underaged calf after all and humans are degenerate. What are they going to do when they see the other titans only their horny minds know. Godzilla must already be 'popular'. 

Good thing the grand public doesn't know about my body. I will make a rule that they shouldn't even do it but I know some will still do it even if it costs their lives.

I can not imagine how a celebrity must feel to have porn made about him/her but it mustn't be a pleasant experience, some must be into it though. (Archive of Our Own, 90% smut with EVERY fetish you might ever imagine, they love to use celebrities)

I deleted every important piece of data on the phone, replaced them with Rickroll, and changed all of his alarms with the song of Eduard Khil. The famous Trololo. 

I then placed the phone back. I didn't steal his phone, I'm not a bad whale. Though I still permanently borrowed half of his nuke, I want to taste one.

Anyways, Vladi-tan won't be the only one where his secret will be revealed.

I teleported above an empty floating island, it was only covered in blue grass and rainbow mushroom. The Flock flew around my body in two distinct swarms, they were going to hunt on my order.

I took one of the smaller ones and also weaker nuclear bombs and crushed it with my tongue. 

It didn't detonate as a nuclear bomb require a precise orchestration of event to do so. I wasn't going to eat it otherwise. And I can easily stop the mechanism anyways.

"Hmm, it tastes like vodka but more radioactive must be the plutonium and polonium… Not bad.", I muttered as I gobbled another one. Wonder what the ones from other countries taste like?

I was here because I sensed the egg move. For the several months, since I saved them, I played with my capacity to create life.

I can't change organisms with a soul already, the eggs however didn't have souls formed, but now they are merged and a soul has formed. Meaning, that I can't modify it anymore unless I kill it and remake it from its fresh corpse. 

But I will more likely than not end up with an unrecognizable pile of flesh that only thought will be pleading me to end its miserable existence.

I opened the earth below me like a lid and in the middle was the egg, modified to be loyal to me and only me and dozens of other things that can let me kill it if it somehow betrays me.

Paranoid but better safe than sorry. 

Inside this 17-meter-tall (55.7 ft) translucent egg was an insect larva with a black chitinous back and orange chitinous underbelly, three pairs of black scythe-shaped limbs, and a big pair of orange mandibles accompanied by multiple black pairs of mandibles.

It had three pairs of white compound eyes, its head was covered in small and soft orange and black horns. It was completely white last time I saw it. I was pleasantly surprised by this.

The larva wiggle happily in my presence and made little squeals of excitement which I answered with whistles and clicks.

"Good to see you again little one.", I greeted the squealing larva, I levitated one of the weaker warheads in front of the egg. 

I carefully twisted the metal of the warhead and let the plutonium and polonium pour out on the egg. The egg was rapidly absorbing the extremely radioactive matter and the larva inside made delighted high-pitched squeaks before falling asleep. 

'This seems to work… hope the larva doesn't end up like Poyo.', I thought as I closed the island like a box.

Poyo was a case of his own. He recently decided that the grass with eyeballs was not his enemy anymore but the Sun now was and so he burned his eyes glaring at the Star, they rapidly healed back, leaving no scars and he glared again.

These in an infinite circle until smelled food, me or the other two titans. It is in order of priorities here.