31 The Smokehouse

The Elder and the Scholar traversed many miles deep into the pretty much featureless grasslands until they were more or less in the middle of the scattered overburden formation they had made. There was a little sod house cut into the side of a hill that had a single walled piece of galvanized heater pipe coming out of the top of it. Tar was running down the side of the pipe and beginning to pool. The little sod house had an almost imperceptible amount of dark smoke exiting that chimney. There was a yellowed piece of parchment with Bi's name wrote on it that was pasted on to the plank door was undisturbed letting the two of them know that no one had opened the door to the smokehouse since the Elder had last visited.

The Elder pushed in the door and entered the low ceiling chamber. There was quite a bit of smoke rising from underneath the roughly made black bamboo floor that was fully encapsulating the pork ribs,bacon,hams,and shoulders resting on racks of the same material. The heat was fairly intense and the air was dry.

"Crane start your count here and I'll go down the hatch to check on the next few layers of the Smoking Apparatus."

The Scholar pulled out his pocket notepad eyes streaming tears in the smoky ambiance of the room. As the Elder descended lower and lower he had made it to the very bottom of the last ladder the last chamber was pretty much pitch black with the exception of a small flickering cherry red pile of embers in the middle of the room in a shallow pit dug into the floor. "What took you so long Bi?" a voice whispered a harsh raspy voice " We find a buyer for all these truffles yet?"

"You stupid mole man we can't rush it. You know that the FEDs been all over halucigen distribution lately. We tip our hand too early we all get locked up."

"Speak for yourself I can dig my way out of anything short of a metal box." the unseen speaker said

"You don't think they won't get one... Without me and these mushrooms you won't be having any fun guy. Turdburn I will send your ass back to Itkia where I found you putting together shitty entertainment centers. You work for me! Now go out there and dig up some more truffles we need to smoke them so they last longer."

"I was under the impression that this was a partnership it's not like you are out digging anything.Just worry about sales. You were the one who said "let's get involved in the underground, nothing more underground than dwarves and truffles." Turdburn said back sarcastically.

"Keep talking stubby and I will put you in the ground."

"Fine... boss... but it's getting harder and harder to find anymore walnut trees to dig around."

"Go further afield. I'll see what I can do about selling them at the Treasure Fair. We just need enough product to make it worthwhile for our risk." Bi said this as he picked up an ember from the ground between his fingers putting it in the end of his packed pipe.

"I had a real good looking one I found the other day must have been at least a 6 pounder. There was a purple haired boar rooting his big piggy snout right there under the tree I had climbed up in. The bastard bowled it clean over. I had to dig my way out from underneath it. It's a good thing I had my picking hand up my nose when I fell it kept me from losing it."

" BI! I'm done with my count up here. I counted 50 hams,25 tongues,50 tenderloins,50 oysters,at least a ton of neck hash,and way too damn many bones to count. Theres 10 gallons...er 9 gallons of sauerkraut and carrots in these jars. We will need some more Celestial Seasonings to replace our stores of meat.... by a quick reckoning I estimate a value of 6 low grade spirit stones." The Scholar yelled down from above coughing through the smoke.

'With the mushrooms down here I guess another 7 low grade stones. I better not let the bank find out we are loaded.' The Elder's mind was whirring. 'I've dodged land taxes and have plead severe poverty each year with the bank so I've only had to pay 1 stone a year... that's not even the interest on the loan. I'm bound to lose the farm in the next year or two. It'll be sold to some milk sop that wants to raise cauliflower or soy. Freaking hipsters.'

"Sounds good Crane. Let's try to bag us a couple of fresh ones as it gets closer to the appointed meeting time for the fair. Get out of the smoke and write some shitty poetry or something." after Bi heard the Scholar retreat outside he turned his attention back to Turdburn. "Anything I can do for you?"

"Yeah find that stranger that was with the pig he has some kind of secret. He was able to talk to the pig like some weird pig whisperer or something. If we can get us a pig this whole truffle operation could go faster. nothing finds truffles like a pig."

'There shouldn't be any strangers up here.'Bi was pensive. "Was he a little on the scrawny side with a pot belly? Dressed like most of the other tater slaves?"

"Sounds about right."

"No stranger then he might be our newest brother. I'll try to introduce you guys one day."

Bi was shaking his head as he was thinking.

'Grubworm might have had a helluva party last night instead of qi deviation...he ate a whole brain ball no wonder he was spitting on people. The more answers I seek the more questions I have. I'm not driving myself crazy over this.'