19 Lethal battle Ketchup Vs Mustard
Joe was really at a loss for words after that burp came out he felt relaxed all of his inner turmoil and angst were let go into the air.
He heard a sound in the distance that he assumed was an echo to his burp it turned out to be a big ass pig.This pig was different than the piglet before. It was completely hairless except for a purple crest running from the top of its head to midway down its back.Its eyes were jet black and as unfathomable as the abyss.Its tusks were long and thick. It's ears were notched in many places. This pig even had tattoos.There was one outlining its ham in dashed lines. Some were tally marks on its shoulders. Like a macabre monument to its kills thought Joe. His eyes focused on the shovel head sized teeth. The right one had a gold cap on it.
Hello little Brother my name is El Jefe.
Don't be alarmed I'm speaking with you through my mind.
"L. Jeffy I don't think I want to die today."
The J is an H. I am the protector of this mountain. I thought I heard the words of the Swine Brother being spoken.
"That was the Soul Cleansing Sutra. It is a bullshit chant from a bullshit sect.
There are no bulls on the mountain anymore. I chased out the herds years ago.This is a mountain of pig shit. Want to eat some crazy truffles and get crazy.
"That sounds like the best news ever. This week sucked for me I need to spend a little time on recreation."
Sure thing little Brother. We will get out of our gourds. Walk with El Jefe and fear no man nor beast.
"Sure thing Jeffy. Just promise me that no matter how fucked up I get don't let me do anything stupid."
I am El Jefe Javelinas Frinco De Gordo you can trust me. I will allow you to completely enjoy yourself without worries.
Young Three was waiting at the Elder's house
She had helped herself to some of the tea by the hotplate and some of the foil wrapped chocolates in his bedside table grew legs and walked into her pockets. She looked around for anything else that might tell her it needed a new home. She heard the rumble of engines in the distance so she went out the back door.
"God it's great to be home geeze. These long car rides are no good for my piles.I hope you have everything you need Tinker this old man is looking forward to some Preparation Z and a lie down." The Elder spoke over the CB.
His anus itched pretty much the whole ride.I should have had White Tides steal a donut pillow from a drugstore somewhere. Note to self demand a donut pillow for whatever bullshit holiday I see next on the calendar.
Young Three walked out from behind the shack. She took in the view of the motorcade.
White Tides hit the siren. Then he got on the speaker.
"Young Lady you are inviolation of your parole im going to have to arrest you for being too damn cute."
The Elder groaned as did Young Three.
Joe and El Jefe walked deep into the bamboo grove until they came upon a walnut tree. El Jefe rooted his snout along the bottom of the root area he eventually dislodged a basketball sized round brain like fungus.
"Is that a crazy truffle?"
Yes my friend. We are going to find some more. I'm taking you to a party with mad bitches.
"Are these ladies of the human or porcine variety?"
Eat enough of these brain balls you won't care my friend.
"That's what I'm worried about. If I get too shitfaced what's to keep my from getting jiggy with a little piggy."
If the situation presents itself it was predestined by the cosmos.To fight the cosmos is bad JuJu.
"What the fuck is JuJu man?"
It's a berry that grows on tropical islands.
"You are a mountain pig Jeffy how do you know about tropical islands."
You need to take a bite of this truffle and chill man.El Jefe is a world traveller. I have bedded many beauties.The whole world calls me daddy.
Joe was starving the last thing he had in his belly was some mud. Carrying that axe was getting heavy he needed to make a sling for it soon. He took a big bite out of the truffle.then another. It was a satisfying flavor and he wanted to eat it all. To fill his belly with the sunshine he was tasting every time he chewed a piece of the truffle.
(This fucking guy. He has ate way too much truffle.He is going to be on planet Neptron IXXXV blast of to adventures far in space young explorer.) El Jefe shielded his thoughts
"Jeffy am I the only one hearing techno?"
Yes I didn't get to eat any truffle yet.
"Do you always hear techno after eating the truffle?"
I have only ate truffles with one other human. He heard Cotton Eyed Joe for 4 days.
"I'm going to be on a trip for 4 days? Why didn't you warn me?"
I have no idea how long you are going to on a trip or where you are going. Dont blame me you said you wanted to ditch reality. Thomlin ate about 2 ounces of truffle. You just ate about 4 lbs I am guessing we might never see you again.
Joe began to feel the pulsations of the music soothing his body he could hear the colors of the wind. Deadmuse is the heartbeat of the world Joe decided. He attempted to synchronize his heart beat to the music.He was the best dancer ever.
What the fuck.. Is that kid doing hopping around on one foot spinning in a circle beat boxing. OMG I gotta put the on the Vin.
El Jefe stuck his tail up bunghole he rooted around in there until he retrieved a silver baseball sized orb. He extended his tail straight up in the air like a telescopic stick then synched his mind to MOCO. He opened up the video function and hit record.
Joe had started singing old love songs.
"My love Ill wait for you until the sky turns blue right now it's gray without you my love I surrender my all. My love it pains me and drains me when we are apart. I would die a million times just to have a space in your heart." Now Joe got on his war face. He picked up a non existent phone.
"Yes General Weaver this recruit is happy to go on a search and destroy mission. I agree that the evil villian Ketchup deserves to not make it back for his trial in Geneva. The way he brutalized Countessa Mustard at the battle of Cheeseburger Hill was deplorable. Lettuce and Onion were completely overcome by Cheese and Bacon. When I see Ketchup you can rest assured that he's doomed to die like a dog." He popped a salute and hung up the phone
Boy imma make you famous. Jefe finished the recording. Then he posted it to the Vin.#CrazyCarl #lbsofkraytruffles.
He was watching the view count he saw 10 then 100 then 1000. He read the first comment.
Our hero fighting for the dignity of a condiments facepalm
The next was
Make him puke that shit up ASAP what are you going to do if he dies?
El Jefe replied.
Uhhh im a demonic pig I'll just eat him. If he's dead anyways I may as well.
/\ What about his sect brother's they might seek revenge.
/\Trust me I ain't worried bout nothin'.
They walked and recorded different videos throughout the night. Eventually they wound up in Freedom Town.
"We have reached the lair of the dreaded General Ketchup. Jeffy radio HQ that I'm about to dive in to the bunker.If I'm not back in 20 minutes tell Contessa Mustard that i loved here very much and wanted to have many babies with her."
*Comments
This guy is sappy fucking pus.
/\ Dude he is high as fuck on some truffles.
/\How much did he eat?
/\2lbs give or take. Jefe answered.
/\ Might be time for a top off. LOL
Joe are you sure you don't want a bite of this delicious steak before you head into certain death. El Jefe had picked up the dropped truffle and had it stuck on the end of his gold capped tusk.
"Jeffy you are thinking so much about me before a dangerous mission. You are the best Ops supervisor the PIA has ever had."
Joe grabbed the truffle off of Jefe's tusk.
*Comments
Fucking A
/\ He's gonna puke in his sleep and die.
/\Just shut up and enjoy the train wreck.
Soup Bone was dead asleep curled up into a fetal position in his foxhole.He was dreaming of being rich. He had a great big tower filled with money. Gold coins 40 stories high inside the tower. He jumped from a diving board into his pile of money and started to swim.
Joe had finally found the secret entrance to the command center of the nefarious General Ketchup. He was debating a stealth appeoach or a dynamic entry. He had no C4 so blowing the door was out of the question. He checked the top hatch for booby traps and was completely surprised to find none. He jumped down the shaft.
Soup Bone was still dead asleep enjoying his dream of being rich. When Joe landed on top of him. He woke up tried his best to dislodge his attacker but the space was far too narrow.
I have succeeded in imobilizing the dreaded despot General Ketchup I'm going to need extraction Jefe.
(This fool is incredible.) Roger that recruit ETA on that BlackVulture is 2 minutes.
That's 1 minute too long the General is a fierce fighter the recruit is valiant but strength always carries the day.
Then dig deep recruit find the strength to overcome him.
So NATTO chief justicar gave his permission to make this a kill op.
You idiot this was a PIA black bag op from the start. Eliminate your target I will destroy all the evidence. Contessa Mustard awaits you in BorraBorra. Do not fail this mission recruit Your fiancee is counting on you.
Joe wrapped his hands around Soup Bone's thin neck and squeezed. Soup Bone fought back beating on Joe's hands trying to free his vice like fingers. Joe felt something crush inside his grip. That would be the larynx thought Joe now nobody can hear him scream.
Jeffy it's done but we need to get rid of the body and to check the base over for useful supplies.
Roger that recruit want me to tell that BlackVulture to throttle back give you some time to loot.
Yes Jeffy
Joe checked the generals pockets for some keys to the wall safe. He didn't find a key to the walls safe but he did find the cubes that contained the nuclear launch codes.
I'll put that in my pocket so they don't get lost thought Joe. The General was a wealthy man he had $40 in his pocket. The whole country was starving and children were stabbing each other in the back for spare socks while this fat cat and his buddies were living it up. It's a good thing I killed you. $40 might have been enough to buy your way out of justice from NATTO. He saw the Mustard Family battle flag hanging in a trophy case on the wall so he smashed the glass and folded it up with respect and care. Inside were the keys to the safe. He found a designer backpack inside. He put it on his shoulders while he waited for the rope to descend he pondered if it was moral to kill a despot simply for being a despot. He grabbed the rope as it came down then he tied it to the general's limp body.
Then he tugged on the rope.
