25 Fire and Flatulence

'The foul Neptronians have turned me into a crossbreed. That serum I was injected with has altered my DNA irrevocably.The head researcher has disappeared and the others must be off in search of other victims now is my chance.' Joe started rocking back and forth on the silversteel table in the operating room. *crash he fell to the floor banging against discarded instruments of torture.

"Do you think he'll be ok?" asked Young Three as they watched Joe crash to the floor. "I'm worried he'll get tetanus everything around here is covered in rust."

"He has Jimbo juice running through his veins now. So full immunity from the lockjaw and the rabies." The Elder did a decent impression of the Tinker when he said that. The others laughed. "Now I have to go back to being a crotchety old man dispensing wisdom."

*Somewhere on the homeworld of all elves

In a dank dungeon carved from mothadite stone sat many square eared creatures about the size of a small child they had perfect flawless ivory skin.Their golden eyes were bright and had a deep intelligence radiating from their red cat eyed pupils. The only thing that killed the otherwise perfect beauty were the brown crooked buckteeth and severe underbite that they each had. The door to their cell opened and in came their jailers. A standard prisoner escort of 4 soldiers in chainmail as dark as the essence of onyx. Their barbute helms of the shiniest palladium alloy. The pikes in their hands were made of amber hued coronudum with mithril shafts. A mage-soldier cast a light orb that bathed the entire dungeon in a bright xenon glow. The soldier in the lead took off his helmet shaking loose his wavy golden locks. His face was perfectly symmetrical his saphire eyes would inspire generations of poets to find words to describe the exact feelings they felt when they looked into his eyes. His long pointed ears were graceful his long thin limbs lithe but strong. "Gaze upon perfection you rejects that carry the recessive genes of our race.Through

a program of eugenics we hope to eventually breed away your kind. We shall one day only refer to you in stories that will be taught as ancient history. Behold the Embryo Project fruits of my hours of pleasurable labor."

The other jailers unclapsed their helms placing them under their left arms. They were all almost as beautiful to behold as the first jailer. One had brown hair, another black, and the last had red hair but his left eye was lazy.

"Who the fuck put Car al Son on my presentation detail? You idiots are besmirching the branding I'm trying to build for all Elves across the 9 heavens shit I'm surrounded by morons. Whatever just throw the last reject into the holding cell they can eat each other for all I care." We can never let anyone know how truly hideous our race can be. Thought Ran a Dall the Perfect.

*Back on planet Earth in the Junk Hall.

"Look guys as his primary care physician I am going to have to provide some after patient care. Beside I can't wait to see what soaking him in parts cleaner is going to do for his skin." Jimbo told the others after he came back from his call to Herman.

"It's a damn shame we can't afford to give our disciples a proper medicinal bath. If we can get a good price at the Treasure Fair for our potatoes and meat I hope to buy some Celestial Chicken Feed to use as a breakfast porridge... of course not everyone can sample such delicacies only our inner sect disciples." The Elder was ruminating over the thought of a good harvest."I suppose an accounting of the smokehouse is in order come with me Crane."

"Why don't I ever get to go to the smokehouse?" Three pouted

"Because you are just too good at fishing." The Tinker chuckled."Want to stay here with me? I figured we could try some acupuncture with these Risian army surplus tent pegs on Grubworm after his baptism in methylated spirits."

"Uhmm does it involve a mallet?" Three wanted to know more before she made up her mind.

"It can. Let's try it without it first far as we can tell only his head is thick."

Before Three could answer the Elder cut her off.

"My granddaughter should become more well rounded in life learn everything you can from your teacher Three. Who knows you might want to go to veteranian school after some more training."

"As much fun as that could be I have to decline I need to see what those miscreants at Freedom Town are up to. If I know them like I think I do they are off shooting craps instead of digging potatoes."

*Freedom Town

"Where are the dice Johnny Cakes?" Audi asked. "Or are we going back to betting on which sow craps first?" They were both in a foxhole they shared.

"Soup Bone had them last go find him.Johnny Cakes was nuraing the Holy mother of all hangovers. "Would you mind getting me some water please Audi."

"I told you to take it easy on that grog the other day. That was some of Hare Lip's special reserve I'm not sure exactly what hoodoo voodoo shit he has going on but I am almost positive that he might be putting ghost piss in it." Audi voiced his fears.Prior to joining the sect he was once a fairly famous circuit racer. That was until he was driving his Audi out for icecream and a crazy old bastard in a bathrobe fell off a roof crashing down next to his beautiful black car. That day his car was commandeered and he was kidnapped.

"What am I going to get?" Audi winked at Johnny Cakes.

"I have 2 Nabico vanilla cream cookies that I have managed to squirrel away from the others if you can find me an aspirin or another drink." Johnny Cakes looked down at the stump of his right leg ending in a repurposed table leg. Fucking pigs are going to be back for the rest of me one day. I'll find you Gold Cap I'll peel back that purple rug of yours and stitch it on my best coveralls to give it some pizzazz. He was once a rising star in the world of competitive tap dancing before his bus broke down on a lonely mountain road. The others in his crew decided that the goose was cooked so they travelled back down the road on foot to the nearest town. Maurice stayed determined to make it to the next venue and tap his heart out. Dreams die but the man stays alive thought Johnny Cakes before a tear rolled down his cheek.

"To hell with you Johnny Cakes I found those cookies and ate them already. Get your ass up

we have work to do."