1 Paralyzed

On this day, as every morning, the air was cold enough to freeze the blood.

Yet we were at the beginning of the month of September.

September is my favorite month compared to other months. The smell of that air, the yellowing of the leaves of the trees, and the torrential rains. It was peaceful in many ways.

Today I had to catch the bus and I was going to be late for the exam. And today was Mr. Waterson's exam day. Oh, my god! I've never had a chance to work. Damn you math! Why do you have to show up everywhere!

Fortunately for me, my close friend, Aki, was the one who came to the bus stop after me, as usual.

In an excited tone, someone called out behind me,

"Hi, Ren, how are you?"

I answered with a happy expression on my face,

"Good Morning, Aki! I'm waiting for the bus. I think I'll be late for the exam."

Aki was a kind-hearted, friendly, and funny person, just like me, we were full of each other.

She looked me in the eye and said in a low and gentle tone,

"Isn't the weather beautiful today?"

Indeed it was. I was happy to feel the cold air of the autumn, but I was still worried about the exam.

Then Aki remembered and asked,

"Oh also! What month is it, Ren? Oh! Wait, I remember! This is that month right?"

I closed her mouth with my hand and said,

"Hey! Quiet! They can hear us!"

I thought she was going to shut up, but I was wrong, and she started talking as I pulled my hand from her mouth,

She smiled and said,

"Yes, today we are in the month of September! Ren, the girl you love!"

I closed her mouth again and said,

"I told you to be quiet!"

A deep silence surrounded around us so suddenly,

When she calmed down, I took my hands out of her mouth and, I said,

"I'm sorry, Aki. I'm sorry. I'm not acting like myself these days. Please forgive me."

She looked pretty scared. And she seemed really upset. She said in a quiet voice,

"Okay, I get it. I'm sorry. I didn't know that this was a serious issue."

"Not a problem. And I shouldn't have been so angry with you. I hope you forgive me."

While we were walking she turned to me and said,

"So tell me, what happened? Why are you so obsessed with September?"

"It's a long story. And I don't have time to tell you right now."

Aki said in a cheerful tone,

"That's okay. Another time, maybe."

That's when a light appeared ahead of us,

Aki said, "Ahh! The bus is coming, look! Let's go! We're gonna be late for the test!"

As soon as I sat in the car seat, I started feeling shy, which I couldn't figure out.

I was blaming myself for my behavior towards Aki.

A certain sense of shame appeared on my face right after that.

I guess I haven't changed a bit since the day I went to psychiatric polytheism.

I don't think I deserve the time and money I've spent changing so much.

But now I can't give up. I can't disappoint my parents. And they need me. My friends, my family, and my brothers.

But these thoughts destroyed me, even more, every day.

Damn it, I can't, I can't!

Not now!

At that time, I started crying. My face was red and I could no longer feel my arms and breathe.

Aki saw me and called me in a hurry,

"Ren, are you okay? Ren! Ren! Oh, no, what happened to you?"

I could feel my nose running so badly. But what came out of my nose was not mucus, it was blood. It was inevitable, of course, when the temperature in the car and the stress I experienced combined.

Aki began shouting loudly at the driver to stop,

"Hey! Stop! We want to get off!"

Everyone on the bus seemed so normal as if they were used to this kind of incident every day. Even also when we stopped, the driver looked at us in a very strange way and left us there.

It reminded me of a memory I had years ago.

Once, my cousin Edward and I were playing games on the beach, and my mother called us both to go to the sea. And I was someone who wasn't very familiar with swimming at the time.

Edward was so happy he held my hand and said;

"Come on, cuz! Let's have some fun!"

As much as I didn't know how to swim, he dragged me into the sea in no time, and suddenly I started sinking deep. I had vines wrapped around my foot and I couldn't get to the surface. The depth of the water exceeded one meter. I was eight years old. I was clumsy. I was weak. I was a loser.

I never forget Edward's words,

"Ren, fight the truth! Don't forget that running away will only lead you to more pain. If you keep running, you'll never get away with it! And only those who fight it till the end, win what they want, right?"

I paused for a few seconds. I had different feelings. It was feelings I'd never felt before. And when I opened my eyes, Edward was with me. He was lying next to me, sunbathing. I was ashore, but how?

I turned to Edward and said,

"It's you, Edward... but how?

Edward smiled and said,

"There's it Ren! You've proven yourself strong! You're not a wimp or a loser. Somewhere inside you, you're a lionheart warrior! Don't forget, If you believe, you can always win. And when you do even you are not going to notice!"

Edward was the bravest and most courageous of my cousins. He always took care of me and always had my back. Sometimes there were issues we couldn't agree on and we fell into discussions, but we still managed to stay together.

Memories have never been so sweet or happy. All of a sudden, the knot in my soul was untied, and there was purity and courage left.

But I was never sure of myself. No matter how strong I was as a personality, I was still very weak spiritually.

Even my days were nothing. No emotion, no warmth, no movement. There was almost nothing left.

And I didn't want to believe that lie anymore.