8 Tapping

Silence. Not a word, not a tiptoe, not even the passage of time made a sound. Little bits of pale light came from the window on the wall. Alexander with disheveled hair his face inside of a pillow made little snores. The ceiling stared back at me. Sleep evaded me, sleep seemed to want to sneak around me. A burning sensation in my legs constantly keeping me awake. A twitched my leg up and down burning along the sheets. The want for movement subsided for a second but appeared faster then it left. Longer more intense more a burning need to move. To jump to fly to eat to die. It was all so terrible and I still could sleep. When I go to sleep I can sleep for as long as I want. I can sleep and sleep and sleep not one person is going to wake me up not one person will do anything t me. I am innocent. But sleep hated me. My legs twitched and fizzled and pops sounded off somewhere something. I closed my eyes. A lake, clear, storm clouds overhead, dark like drops of black in an otherwise clear sky. A wind blowing in from somewhere, taking these foreboding clouds and forcing them to move. To leave a peaceful lake. Anastasia. Alexander. They are not meant for each other. Nobody is. Nothing is. Yet they still do what they do. Please God, the writer of my life, a man who sits behind me forcing me to think, to do, and to eat whatever I please. Please give me an inch of love. I just want Anastasia. A jolt of movement shot through my leg, a final gasp before a darkness hovered over my body. Eventually, darkness went inside of me and there was nothing left. Nothing. Nobody not a single soul danced over my body. Not a dream, not a thought, not a self-aware doll. The storm had been weathered, I had come out unscathed. I had sweated. The feeling of dried sweat had permeated my skin. The uncontrollable feeling of being unwashed. I sat there looking at the ceiling. The room was full of light. Alexander was gone. A slight smell of soap and deodorant and of human being came from the bathroom to my right. It was good. It was fine. It is all good. It is all fine. I feel fine. He walked out of the bathroom. He looked at me for a second. Staring at me, turning his head towards mine. He walked over to his bed and started putting on his shoes. I got up and went to the shower. Routine routine. The shower was hot and it was cold but the day was fine and I was all right. I got out of the shower, put on my clothes, put on my shoes and presented myself to the world. It was great, the world is great. The outside of my apartment was never great. It smelled like smoke and booze. But it is still great. We walked outside of the building. The wind was cold on my cheek, but it didn't matter, we just roamed and walked and diddled and did everything that people do. We arrived at the fountain. It stood there, unmovable, unkillable, standing there as if it was a paramount to its own power. We both sat on a bench.

"Why are you so happy?"

"You know that feeling, that kind of feeling when you just realize that nothing matters. That's what I have, I realized how little I care about any of this bullshit and I can just live my life like a normal person for once."

"I guess," Alexander said. We got up and walked out of the courtyard. The familiar road to Katya's house didn't take long to travel. We knocked and he opened and we said our greeting. We did our routine. We arrived at the back compartment, standing there in the back was Anastasia being Anastasia. Doing nothing at all with her back against the wall. We all sat on chairs.

"Well, what are we going to do now," I said.

"I don't know I mean we could practice for the band," Alexander said.

"I don't really want to practice, I'm tired of practicing and working my ass off for this stupid band," Anastasia said.

"It's not that stupid, we had a lot of fun performing in I know we did," Alexander said.

"Yeah, we had fun but whats the point now that we're done with it," I said.

"Yeah, it doesn't matter once we've already performed," Anastasia said.

"Thank you, someone agrees with my point of view," I said. Anastasia laughed. Alexander looked at me, then he looked at her. Then he looked at me again.

"I'm so fucking bored there's nothing to do," Anastasia said.

"Cards?" I said.

"Nah I don't want to do cards to boring not enough spice in them," Anastasia said.

"Spice? Yes, cards are famous for their spice. My favorite spicy cards." I said.

"Well if you guys are going to talk about so much boring stuff we could at least have booze to accompany us through that journey," Katya said.

"I second that," Alexander said. They then left the room. No goodbyes nothing. Anastasia and I looked at each other.

"So are you guys fucking anymore?" I said.

"Well, he's always fucking everyone lets be real. Otherwise no." Anastasia said.

"Cool, cool, very cool, totally cool," I said. She looked at me. I looked at her. She started to tap her legs. Very rhythmic. Very cool. Very slow, not stopping just tapping.

"When did you guys even like you know hook up."

"Fuck I forget. Don't ask me to remember everyone and everytime I'm only a small genius." Anastasia said.

"Oh good I guess."

"Yeah great, incredible," Anastasia said. We both sat there. Looking at each other, she looked at me. I looked at her. Someone looked at someone else. She tapped her foot.

"What?" I said. You know what they say about when people lose something. Whether it's their virginity, their keys, or their life. It's always a shocking experience. Well, I realize something. It's not really a shock when you don't care. It lasted for a while. I think Alexander knocked on the door. I think Katya shouted but they didn't come in strangely enough.