5 Gig

"I think I got us a show," Alexander said. We looked at him. Surprised, shock, we actually had to do something. An effort was required again.

"I don't want to work," I said.

"No don't worry this will be easy," Alexander said.

"Oh yeah and where did you get this gig for us, Alexander?" Anastasia said.

"I got it at the most luxurious area imaginable. The greatest place anyone's ever been. It is. That bar down the street from our apartment." Alexander said.

"We have a bar down the street?" I said.

"Yeah, you've never been?" Alexander said.

"No. Why would I ever go to the bar down the street?" Alexander said.

"Even I have gone to the bar down the street," Katya said.

"You've been to the bar down the street? And we're performing there too?" I said.

"Yes," Alexander said.

"We barely even have a song down and you want us to actually perform in front of people? What is this madness?"

"I just think that we should perform just to perform and I want to perform so we're going to perform. Otherwise, I already signed up."

"Nobody agreed for this. What the hell dude." I said. Katya laughed.

"It doesn't matter Mikhail we're stilling doing it whether you like it or not and it's not like anyone is going to kill us for bad music," Katya said.

"We're going to be fucking killed out there. What are you guys, madmen?" I said.

"It's fine. It's fine. Nobody cares what we do. We can bomb as much as we want and still get applause." Katya said.

"Well, I don't want to perform."

"Sorry to but in but you're performing. We need a bass player and we're not getting Boris to substitute again."

"It feels like you guys knew about this before. How could and why would you support it so much. It doesn't make any sense." They all looked at me.

"God fucking damn it," I said.

"God fucking damn it indeed," Alexander said.

"Well, I'm going to get some vodka anyone want to come with?" Katya said.

"Jesus we don't need to have alcohol every time," I said. Anastasia looked at me. Katya looked at me. Alexander looked at me.

"You guys have a fucking problem," I said.

"You have a problem with us."

"You guy's going to get vodka I'll wait here," I said. Anastasia looked at me. Then looked at Alexander. Katya and Alexander left the room. Anastasia waited for a second then she opened the door into the unknown. And I sat there. By myself. In utter silence with nothing, nobody, nothing to do, nothing to see. Just the smell of cigarettes and a bass looking at me expecting to play. But I don't want to play. This is stupid why should I play in this god damn band. It doesn't make sense it's not logical and I don't understand why I should do it. They all seem to understand something that I do not. They look at each other, and look at me they don't make any sense. I sat on a chair in the center of the room. I kept on tapping my foot, over and over and over again. A tap and then another tap always one after the other. They don't make any sense. One time their joking, another time they're completely serious. It's almost like there's an invisible writer in my life. Someone who maliciously wants to teach me a lesson, its like life is trying to get me to see something but why should I see this bullshit. It doesn't matter, I don't want to see what they're talking about.

"We're screwed. We're fucking screwed. We're unprepared. I have no idea what to do." I sat there. Looking up at the ceiling again my leg raised into the air. It came down and a little sound came out on the floor. I did it again. And again. And again. Over and over again. My foot came down on the ground. And again. It was raised high in the air but only for it to come down on the wall. I looked at the wall again. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters, why did she look at me? She definitely spent some time to look at me. Why? No no, she was judging me. No they aren't judging me I'm being paranoid of course like always. Fuck it's boring, it's so boring. I tapped my foot on the wall again. A sound came out hollow and alone. And again I tapped my foot on the wall. Over and over again. My foot came down, I don't care. I don't care. I'm going to go and perform at whatever thing Alexander said. Fuck it. I went to the bass. I picked it up and I strummed. One pluck after another solitary sounds coming out one by one marching around me. Dancing, laughing and none of it matters. None of it mattered. I strummed again, and again. My foot came down on the floor another tap, another strum. I was just plucking at a guitar. Not playing anything in specific. Just plucking over and over again. And then again. I sat there looking at what was the ceiling. Staring and looking but never acting. The sound of my bass stopped playing. Why. Why was I here. Why don't I just go home. Why don't I not hang out with them. Why don't I just go to sleep and live something else. Finally being able to not just be here. A car drove by the house. Someone shouted in another house. And I sat there. In a chair, my eyes closed, my body tired, my mind weighed down by God knows what. This is bullshit. It's all bullshit. All of it. I let my chair onto the edge of its two legs. I balanced for a second, but all things come to an end and it teetered on its edge for a second. Then it fell. I looked up at the ceiling. I closed my eyes and lay there on the ground unmoving. It was black. Everything was black. I'm tired, so tired of this goddamn bullshit. I opened my eyes and looked up at the ceiling. I got up, opened the door, looked at the inside of Katya's house, walked through the living room. Out from the door, through the streets, I walked. I kept on walking, and walking, and walking. The city was deep, but I kept on walking. I walked, and I walked. Soon I came to a square somewhere in the city I hadn't been, nobody seemed to have been there before. The streets around it were empty. All the shops nearby were boarded up and closed. A couple of benches were strewn about facing a fountain. I sat on one of them. I waited and waited and the little spot that was the sun overhead went down into the Earth. Yet I still waited. Why. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters, my life is a lie, this is all bullshit. All of it. Every single little last bit was bullshit. His thoughts, her thoughts, my thoughts are bullshit, none of it matters. In the end I don't matter, nothing does. He may be smarter, faster, funnier but in the end he will die. So will I. So will Anastasia and Katya. Then whats the point in living even longer. Whats the point in going on. I got up and I walked away. Out from the deepest part of the city. Out onto a familiar square. No desolate benches, only my desolate benches. I walked over to my apartment building. It was warm, a man was smoking outside like always. Up the stairs and into my own apartment. It smelt like shit. So did everything. So does everything, maybe thats the reason, everything always smells like shit. Well thats fun. Everyone and everything is shit. I looked at my bed, I looked at the floor, I looked at my clothes, and my books, and my everything strewn about on the floor. My lips jerked up into a smile. I jumped onto the bed. I was tired for no apparent reason. I closed my eyes. The door opened, someone tiptoed in. I got up and turned on the lights. It was Alexander.

"So you just abandoned us for no reason."

"I was tired."

"Yeah yeah, very funny. I was tired too but I stayed."

"Good for you."

"Well, the performance is in a week you better be ready."

"Of course I'm going to be ready how could I not be ready?"

"Oh, I don't know maybe you not practicing, leaving in the middle of our sessions or just being a general prick. Maybe those"

"I have not been a prick"

"Ok fine. You've just been off."

"So in one week. Fuck."

"Yeah I know we're actually doing something"

"I'm fucking nervous as well. Why did we do this again?"

"Fuck if I know. Why not do this?"

"Good point. Good point."