4 The royal praielie by the window

There are five rare variations of a praielie. First was the giant variation as the name implies, was multiple times bigger than normal. The second was the reinforced variation that possesses a better exoskeleton called the armored variant. The multicolored or disco variation as the name implies, had a multicolored glow. The trailing variation, a unique variation that releases a certain substance that attracts other praielies.

Then there's the royal praielie, also known as the astral herald. The royal praielie has the very best traits of all variation, Big and sturdy with multicolored intricate patterns, due to its size, the number of its followers are much more compared to the typical trailing variation and often form a "lantern parade". This parade is produced when a royal praielie was able to have trailing variants follow it and attract a large number of praielie. The greatest trait a royal praielie had was the ability to feel the arrival of an astral border while the trait that signifies the difference from a normal or variant praielie was the ability to cross the astral border itself. But due to some reason, they do not appear where they should go but transported somewhere. That marked praielie will return to the border where they went after another astral cycle occur.

But right now it isn't something important, what's important is that there's a beautiful maiden that's currently watching a lantern parade while eating chocolates. I was amazed and awed by how she's able to transform from a cry baby to a goddess when we arrived at the nearest restaurant, there's no trace of a person that bawled her eyes out. Only a trace of tiredness whenever she moves but, even her small movements could be translated into her natural elegance. She was watching the floating line of praielies, they are like a group of departed souls threading the storm of glistening droplets and snowflakes, it was the beautiful site that we gave up on enjoying.

*I wish we could enjoy this view on better terms, I wish we could enjoy this while I'm not trying to distract myself to prevent my own mind from collapsing. I wish we could enjoy this sight while she's smiling, while she's happy, not like this, not while she's hiding her own tears, not while hiding those deep and dark thoughts inside.

As I was having those thoughts a cold and tired voice was spoken by the person I was observing.

Chloe – "... Micheal,.. since when?"

She was facing the windows after she asked me. I already told the answer back when we're still in the hover while I was changing my shirt due to her grime after cries while hugging me but she still repeated the question. it seems like she either wants to confirm or just wanted to start a conversation using this question so I'll just answer here so I spoke in a manner that was not cold nor warm.

Micheal – "Do you remember that time you baked a cake for me because you thought you broke my memento?"

Chloe – "I did, back then I saw you glaring at me so I thought you were mad at me."

Micheal – "It wasn't a glare, did you even realize that ever since that happened I've been busy tinkering and asking about astral borders."

Chloe – "So that time? We're still young back then."

Micheal – "I know it seems too early but I felt what I feel."

Chloe – "We're approaching puberty back then, maybe it's a hormone."

Micheal – "No, it was based on what I think you are. Back then I even compared you into something."

Chloe – "What?"

Micheal – "It's corny don't mind it"

Chloe – "Say it!"

Micheal – "A person that can be compared to an astral radiance"

Chloe – "What's that?"

Micheal – "It's the light inside the astral border that makes sure the organic creatures passing through astral channels would be safe, you would know that once they explain to you"

Chloe – "So how were you able to compare me to such?"

Micheal – "Back then whenever I was being deviated or being swallowed by my tinkering habits you would always force me to play with you, you too were always reminding me to have a normal life. You were reminding me that I was still a child, whenever I'm about to do something that might pose danger to me you're always there to stop me. Like that light, it was beautiful, it was gentle and it would always guide you on the right path."

Chloe – "But why did you ran away from the light?"

Micheal – "Because I realize I was wrong, I realized you weren't the light, I realized you were the astral border itself, you were a grand beauty, you grew into someone much more than what I anticipated and, like the astral,... I won't ever be allowed to be with you."

When she heard that her previous cold expression suddenly became scornful before speaking with a raised voice.

Chloe – "So you were like them? At least they would only compare me to other people but you,... you compare me to an astral border? Why can't you treat me like a normal person? If you just treated me normal then this won't happen."

Micheal – "It's just a metaphor! why are you so triggered?"

Chloe – "I-I don't know,... maybe I'm just too tired,..."

After that she stood up and head back to the hover, I sighed and followed her then faced the windows. The view of the streets was a rare view given that this part of the metro was the busiest during working and school hours, right now there would only be an occasional passerby, few vehicles crossing the road, and praielies floating freely. It was at peace, it was a peace that could somehow help me at least ease my mind for a bit, but no matter what I do, I know that the source of this unease was something that I cannot fix anymore, she would never look at me the same as she looks at me back then, she would never think of our memories the same way ever again and the relationship we had would be just dark history for her. But I need to stand firm with my choice now, once again she spoke up.

Chloe – "Why did you never tell me what you feel before you ran away?"

That was the thing I never put in calculation back then, I moved on the premise that if I could cross that astral gate I could be able to prove myself to her family but I never had a thought about her own feelings.

*I always focused on the ways I could deserve her but, does she want me? If I would guess,... to be honest with myself I don't know what to guess,... I don't really know what's what anymore. So I'll try to stall some time if I can't then I'd just tell the truth.

Micheal – "I already told you, I don't have the rights to fall-."

Chloe – "I'm asking you, Why did you never tell me?"

*Tell the truth then.

Micheal – "I was afraid of rejection, once you rejected me I don't know how I'm going to live my life. There's the shame of confessing, the shame of being rejected, and shame for developing feelings for you."

Chloe – "Then why didn't you tell me after you ran away?"

Micheal – "Because I don't want you to blame yourself for what I did, you know how low my life became and I don't want you to find out that it was all because I fell for you"

Chloe – "Then why now? Is it because I'm going away?"

Micheal – "Yes."

Chloe – "So that's how selfish you are? Even until before I cross the border you'd still make me suffer."

Micheal – "No! I want to at least be true to you, I want you to know that it was all my fault why you suffered, that I was never a good person, I don't deserve those years that you're worried about me so please don't blame yourself."

Chloe – "How can you be so sure that I would blame me?"

Micheal – "Are you not?"

Chloe – "Of course, it's all you're fault!"

Her voice was raised as if she was angry but, for me, it was an obvious cover as to not let me know that what I said was right. I wanted her to admit it so I asked her to say it to me again.

Micheal – "Look at me and say that again."

She remained silent and continued avoiding my direction, she said she didn't blame herself but, her eyes tell me otherwise. Her eyes that were filled with sorrow reveals how heavy her self blaming that's happening inside her mind. So I urged her farther to let her release what she feels.

Micheal – "Face me and say that again."

I was moving my hand near her shoulder but she suddenly slapped it away and then she threw her wallet on me before leaving the hover and standing beside the door. I picked up her wallet and saw our picture there, it was the same as the photo that mom kept in her own wallet, on the day I ran away, this photo was taken in the morning before mom and dad crossed the astral. It was laminated in her wallet so it never comes off unless it was forced to, it's as if a reminder that no matter what she'll never give up on the hope of me returning home. The more I analyze the more I fall, the more I fall, the more I get hurt, the more I get hurt, the more I long for her. I cannot endure it so I went outside and stood next to her, I brought an umbrella too, there's still soft rain and even though it's only droplets it's still considerably cold. She was crying, it was a different cry than before, it was a cry that wasn't born from intense emotion but, it was a cry that I hated the most, It was the cry that I often hear from those who got near the abyss, it was the cry that I would often hear from those "needed saving", It was a cry of acceptance, a cry of helplessness, it was different from despair because a cry of despair is one born from losing all hope but, this cry, this cry is one born from refusing all hopes, refusing all possibilities and just accepting reality as it is. She actually became someone that "needed saving",...

Micheal – "Do you want something to lean on?"

She shook her head, she just continued crying and wiping her face,... whenever I spent a night with a crying woman, normally time flies faster but now, it feels like we've been doing this for days. It feels like whatever cries she did last time was nothing compared to her cry right now, and right now I feel a greater sense of guilt much more than what I thought I would feel. Maybe out of frustration because she was constantly wiping her tears she just raised her head and spoke as if she doesn't care about it anymore.

Chloe – "It's funny isn't it? The person that I cared the most about, the first person that fell in love with me and the person that hurt me the most was all the same. You were right, I do, blame myself for not thinking that maybe the reason you ran away has something to do with me, it was because of the same way my family thinks about me, I guess, I thought too highly of you, I thought you were the perfect brother that would be always there for me so I would immediately deny in my mind that you would ever fall in love with me, and when you changed for the worst I thought you were just enjoying pleasures of life and ignoring me because I was not your type or because I was your sister. I didn't accept any possibility of you loving me because I always thought you were treating me like an annoying kid that always wanted to play with you. It would automatically disappear in my mind that you could develop those feelings because I always thought that I am not that important to you. After all, you were always so focused on tinkering with those machines. We're the same in this area, you focused on trying to cross the astral but you never asked about how I feel about you while I focused on your worth to me but I never really asked how much am I worth to you. I always had a single thought of needing you but, when have you ever needed me? To be honest, I don't remember any memories about you asking me for help, I don't have any memories that you initiated any games you play with me aside from the day you left me, I was too focused on what to do with you, what to play with you, how can I disturb you so you'll entertain me. I never thought of my own importance because I was so engrossed in being able to experience a normal life with you while not realizing that your actions. That the things you were doing were not really normal anymore, if I could've just asked you why are you so interested in machines then maybe sooner or later I could've realized that you want to go on the other side. I could've speculated things from there. If I was a bit aware back then I could've realized the difference between how you treat me, the difference of how you treat your sister, and how you treat the girl you fell in love with. I could've asked you why you're acting weird, maybe I could've made you confess. I wanted to hate myself for not realizing the possibility, but I can't, I hate myself because I always have reasons to deny the possibility, maybe, if I asked you back then it would not have to be this complicated. Do you know what was the biggest reason why I was very confident about you, not falling for me? It was because "normally" you would just confess, and normally I would just answer, and it was already ingrained in my mind that whenever you are involved with me, everything should be "normal", when you are involved with me I'm just an annoying silly girl, not an heir to a dying lineage, I never distinguished about me being Astrahuman and you being metrahuman because it was already ingrained in my mind that once were near each other I don't need to think about what I studied, I don't need to think anything serious, I just need to enjoy our time. Whenever I moved your name next to mine I wasn't able to accept the possibility of you falling for me because normally a boy would just ask what a girl feels about him, but I forgot an important truth, the truth that love is real, and in reality, I'm not normal, we're not normal, you were originally distant to me because you were adopted, you were being trained to be a machinist, I was being trained as an heir, I was set to cross that border and you were set to stay here. Normally people don't have that kind of disparity, but it was already many years too late. If I hadn't denied the possibility and thought about it deeply, I could've realized the disparity we have, maybe I could've boldly assumed you like me, maybe I could've thought of something for us, maybe you wouldn't have to change, maybe you wouldn't have to leave, maybe we wouldn't have been this hurt. It was my selfish and spoiled thinking that made both of us suffer, if I did not focus on thinking about being normal if I thought it through like what I was thought to do if I inspect all the possibilities, then,... maybe, just maybe, we could've been happy together, doing all the things I want, all the things you want, maybe you could've to cope yourself with the truth, maybe I could cope myself with the truth, but now, it's too late, I was too late, sorry I was too dumb to understand the truth, sorry you fell in love with me,... sorry,..."

I knew she would start blaming herself and the following speech would state how helpless the situation would be, how she couldn't change anything,... I'll just wait for her to speak again. I did not face her, I know that a person that was nearing their wit's end will be either someone that'll believe in their own lies and try to blame everything to the world or just accepted their own truths and blame everything to themselves and those who take in everything were the most pitiful kind because, even though what they think resembles the truth, it would always be something that resembles the truth, not the real whole truth. I wanted to caress her, I wanted to tell her that it's not all her fault, tell her that I was really the one to be blamed, but telling her that now would be like me trying to take the blame because of pity, if I tell her that she should blame me then she would take it as me not believing her resolve, me not respecting her own thought. I wanted her to not sink any deeper, to not go any farther, to not approach this deep and dark place, she was my own abyss but blocking a persons view from gazing into the abyss is like telling them to try even harder, it's like using paper to block a river to save people from falling from it, and if she falls here I don't know what are the things I'm willing to do to bring her back. Right now I can only wait for her to finish her piece. Wait until the river pass and use the paper as a signboard as to not let people cross it casually. I'll wait until she tries to go littler near before I push her away from this cycle.

Chloe – "I can't think of anything to fix it anymore, if I was as smart as you, if I was as logical as you if I was as insightful as you, maybe I can help us both, but I'm not, I'm just trying to escape the truth by blaming my past self, but in truth no matter what I do, I can't change anything anymore, I'm not in control anymore, I'm powerless against the truth, I hate my self, because of me you went away and now I can never be able to bring you back, I was too dumb to believe that I can do it so I lie to my self. time and time again even though it's already clear that it's impossible, it's impossible for me to do anything, I can't change your mind. It's because I was too selfish now I receive my karma, that's it, I'm just paying for all the facades I do, all for ignoring my responsibilities, all for ignoring obvious signs, It all happened because I was too carefree and now I can't do anything. Sorry I was worthless, Sorry I wasn't able to bring you back home, I can't do anything, I can't do normal things right, I can't do special things right, I was thought everything I need to know, everything I need to do but I can't even use what I learned, I even displayed disgraceful image in public just to point fingers at you,... I failed grandpa, I failed dad, I failed mom, I failed you, I failed to help you, I failed to bring you back. I'm just a failure."

*Now's the chance.

Micheal – "You grew up, you became the pearl of our campus"

Chloe – "No! I was a fake one, it was because of grandpas influence, it was because of my physical appearance, nobody knows how selfish I was, nobody knows me."

Micheal – "Then you persisted for 4 years bugging me to come home."

Chloe – ",... but I failed."

Micheal – "I just don't feel the need to go to the mansion. Having you constantly annoy me through calls is enough to make me feel at home."

Chloe – ",..."

Micheal – "It's painful isn't it? Being unable to find ways, not knowing what to do, losing any will to defy your own circumstances, may be different from the way you are feeling right now but, that was how I feel back then. I was at a loss whenever the thought of me not having any chance to love you, I was at a loss of being unable to find a way."

Chloe – "It-it is,..."

Micheal – "Back then I just accepted the truth and ran away, I just wanted to forget you, I just wanted to forget what I feel so I tried every single possible way to change me, I went to places I don't know, did things I haven't done but, no matter what, it was still you that crossed my mind, I always asked myself that, what if it was you that spends the night with me, do I still need to use those pills? If you were the one talking beside me at night, do I still need to drink? I wanted to go home, I wanted to be with you again, I wanted to tell you that I missed you so much but, I can't, I'm afraid that, I'll just fall for you again, afraid that one day I might confess and destroy what we have, I too wanted to live in an illusion of a normal life but, I can't lie to myself on how I feel about you. I can't do anything about it can I?"

Chloe – "I don't know."

Micheal – "I was helpless, I was afraid, I was afraid of losing what I feel for you, it was the thing that kept me sane, whenever I hear your voice through calls, whenever I see you from afar, I was reminded of how helpless I am but, I also had this strange urge to do something to prove myself. I'm always at the border on trying to have you and trying to completely accept the fact that I can never be able to get what I want."

Chloe – ",..."

Micheal – "I gave up on pursuing my love for you, but I still feel that I love you, you know, and it grew stronger than ever when you are shown the tenacity of the years hoping for me to come back, it grew whenever you make up reasons to call me and argue just to ask how I'm doing in the end, and that courage you have shown when you suddenly approach me, even if you were on the influence you still did it."

Chloe – "I-I, I don't know what to say,..."

Micheal – "No!, don't say anything to that. I wanted to be happy today, but I chose to tell you the truth, do you think I'm selfish?"

Chloe – "A little,..."

Micheal – "Yeah a little,... but I wanted to tell you the truth because I don't want you to remain oblivious, I wanted you to know because I don't want you to constantly think about why I became like this."

Chloe – "You became like that because of me"

Micheal – "You think everything's because of you? I just loved you but your not the only reason why I'm alive okay? I became like this because of what I felt about you not because you exist. I fell in love with you, your everything is it good or bad and that was it, It was my feelings that made me into this, it was my feelings for you that hurt me, change me, and dragged me down this low."

Chloe – "So in the end it still is me, it still is because I was with you, if I knew you'd become like that I could've,..."

Micheal – "What? Avoid me? I became like this. After all, I ran away from you because I was so far away from you that I wasn't able to know that what I was doing was too much, that what I was doing was dangerous to me, yet still, I was able to live on because you persisted on making calls reminding me that I should never do things that can really destroy me, destroy my body, destroy my mind. Your calls remind me that the reason I ran away was for me to learn to accept the truth. The truth that I can't have you, your calls always brings me back the feeling of home and let my feelings slowly grow more."

Chloe – "Isn't my persistence made you suffer more? Isn't everything I do that makes you fall in love deeper makes you feel pain more? Don't I hurt you more than anything else?"

Micheal – "You were wrong."

Chloe – "How?"

Micheal – "Now we're here, now you're beside me, now we can talk about truth, now I don't lie to you anymore, now, I can finally do it."

Before I finish my remark I slowly moved my right hand on her shoulder, she's avoiding it for a bit but still let me grab her arm and slowly raised it.

Micheal – You see, I had a thought, what if I stopped doing what I'm doing? What if I let go of my feelings and returned?

While raising her hand I opened her crystallized palm, I can't help but feel pain when I saw nail marks in it. I glanced at her for a sec before putting her wallet in it, it was showing the part where our photo was shown.

Micheal – If I let go, if I came back if I changed for the better and, if I not only accept my own helplessness but also accept the fact that I should move on if I just move on, Can we be happy together? Just like the old-time? I know we're too old for those games, too old for those things but, maybe it's not too late."

Chloe – "But you said you love me more now?"

Micheal – "Ha ha ha, silly girl, "Normally" when a person loves you so much, if it's the right thing for you, that person would normally let you go. Now was the best time to tell you the truth, because now I know that, continuing my selfish desire would only bring misery for you."

Chloe – "Even this, you would let go because of me."

Micheal – "It's not like you can blame yourself for this, It's better for me to do this, if I can't get the love I want then I should just give you the love you deserve, the care you were supposed to have, I just wanted to, return, return myself, return with you, to be together again. I just don't know how back then but, maybe now, now that you know the truth, now that you know the reason, maybe I could try, I could try to ask for your help, maybe you could help me once I completely let go of my own desires. Maybe you can help me, help me build us up again, make me normal again, just like how you think I can make you feel normal, only you can distract my focus, only you can get my attention so, can you help me?"

Chloe – "I'm just a failure, how could I help you?"

Micheal – "Silly girl, you think I would fall for you if you were just a failure? Do you think you'll be ingrained in my mind if you're worthless? I was only able to ignore your calls because I'm doing malicious things with someone, but I never hesitate to answer your calls, even if I'm high, even if I'm drunk even if I was sleepy. You did not fail on convincing me to return, you just didn't know that you succeeded because I was too afraid when I come back I'll fall for you again. But now, I can endure until I move on."

Her lifeless eyes slowly turned into one that of sorrow.

Chloe – "I-I,..."

Micheal – "Let's start from, pretending we're normal, pretending I never fell for you, pretending I never ran away."

Her face slowly comes to life and the sorrow was decreasing.

Chloe – "Still, we're just lying to ourselves."

Micheal – "No!, it's not a lie if we can make it true, if we forget that it's a lie then its more than enough"

Chloe – "but-,.."

Micheal – "What should we do then? Cry? Blame ourselves? I'm tired of running away from the truth, I'm tired of just watching you suffer, so please, help me fix myself, fix my life, help me fix us together"

Right now her eyes have no trace of the lifelessness I felt but it was filled with hesitation and another strange feeling I can't point out.

Chloe – "No! But, can we really do it?"

Micheal – "Of course, I will do my best so do your best too."

Chloe – "Ok."

After leaving those words, I moved in front of her and used my right hand to hug her, it didn't take a moment before I let go of her but I remained on her front.

Micheal – "I'm sorry I can't help myself, I missed you so much and,..."

Before the rest of the words left my mouth she suddenly hugs me and leaned her forehead on my chest. She spoke in a whisper kind of way.

Chloe – "Can we, really be together again?"

Micheal – "Do you want it or not? Hey, don't put something on my shirt again I just changed, I don't have any spare t shirt anymore."

Chloe – ",..."

Micheal �� "Of course, me, you, dad, mom, together,... But I'm dead serious now, I'll be angry if there's something strange in my shirt"

Chloe – "OKAY Then!"

She suddenly turned her back on me with signs of annoyance, while wiping her tears. I took a step near her and used the cuff of my jacket to wipe her tears. I moved a little closer until the back of her head touched my chest and I put my chin on top of her head while putting down my arm on her stomach to hug her.

Chloe – "I miss my chin warmer too."

Maybe she was reminded how I always annoy her by putting my chin on top of her head because I was taller than her since young, she let out a short chuckle but forced her self to stop it. We were like this for a bit until I heard her let out a sigh, she grabbed my arm to raise it to put in her embrace.

Chloe – "I-I miss you."

Micheal – "I miss you too."

We remained like that for a while before a glowing light slowly passed over our head

Chloe – "Brother, those lantern parades,..."

Micheal – "They're beautiful isn't it?"

I knew it, I knew what she was telling me that the heralds of the astral already appeared. Her time, no, our time's limited. But It's just a difference in how you look at it.

Micheal – "Hold this for a sec, I'm going up for a bit"

I gave her the umbrella and went inside the hover, I flew up and grabbed a royal praielie before going back down.

Micheal – "You see, as long as you can see this praielie, we can still be together"

She put on a gentle smile before entering the vehicle.

Micheal – "As long you see the royal praielie by the window that means the border will never appear"