1 Life to a New City

When we were kids, we tend to take things for granted. We take sleep for granted. We take food for granted. We take our parents for granted. Everything that makes life easy, we take them for granted.

I am 22 years old now. Just a young girl from a small town who took a risk going into a bigger city to find a better future. I turned down opportunities back in my hometown hoping that I will find my dream in the city of love. I enrolled at a well-known University for my master's degree with no money in my pocket. I applied and got into a job that is so far away from my passion and degree just because I needed money. People think that I am lucky because I've been living my dreams, they're wrong.

My life became miserable when I turned down the opportunity that my past office offers because I wanted something more. I turned down my dream job because I needed more. And then here I am. Working in a company that I don't like. Crying my way to sleep because I wanted to go back to that small town and get that job once again.

But it's not that easy. My new job gives me a higher salary than my past job. I needed the money so I have to make choices I don't even like.

It's crazy. Life's crazy. It's a complete mess. A puzzle with different pieces. I keep looking for purpose but right now, I can't see the end line.

I was happy back then. But when I started chasing for my dreams, I started to stumble down and feel pain. Is it really that hard to reach for dreams? Looking at other people and seeing them living their best lives makes me feel insecure. Why can they do that and why can't I?

Today's Friday. 12:30 a.m. Normally, my office time is from 12 noon till 8 pm with a 20 minutes break. But today's different. Fridays mean I have to go to the office at 8 am. It's mad, to tell you honestly. I never envisioned myself working in front of a computer. I never wanted this life.

Back to my Master's degree, I'm about to finish the first semester. But I don't think that I will be able to enroll for the second semester because I have no money left with me. I really wanted to get my master's. It's my dream. But the circumstances wanted me to take a pause for a minute or months I mean. I have no choice but to stop. And it hurts really really bad that I just wanted to end things. But there is still a voice inside me that tells me to hold on. It tells me to just sacrifice a bit because I'm going to receive the best future ever. Or maybe that's just me telling myself to cheer up.

I should be sleeping by now but my mind can't stop thinking about random stuff. It keeps on asking 'what if'?

I got up and opened my laptop. The monitor light started to light up my darkroom. I stared at it for a moment. And then suddenly my phone rang. Someone messaged me. Who will message me in the middle of the night?

I reached for my phone and opened the message. It was from my very good friend, Angel, from college. She's asking if I will be able to come home this weekend.

Oh shit. I forgot to tell her that I can't. I promised her last week that I will come home for her birthday. But I have no money. I can't afford to pay for transportation. What will I tell her?

My fingers started to move. Composing sentences on their own. "I'm sorry I can't go home. Something happened and I don't have money left," then I hit send.

I wish she will understand.

Minutes had passed but I still didn't receive any reply from her. I understand her. We've made plans a week ago. We wanted to dye our hair, eat Indian food, and catch up. But I failed her.

I failed everyone. I failed myself. Is this the kind of life that I am intended to live in?

Ring. Ring. Ring.

What was that? I slowly opened my eyes and the sound continues.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

Damn. It's my alarm. It's 7:00 am in the morning. I have to be at the office by 8. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

I rush to the CR and wash as fast as I could. By 7:38 I was at the bus station. An almost full bus arrived and I quickly went in. I can't afford to be late. What am I doing?

Sadly, I arrived in my office at around 8:15. Our operation officer called me. Damn. Not again. I followed her into her office. She asked me to sit down. I complied.

"Why were you late?" she asked.

"There's too many people, Ma'am. The first bus was full. I wasn't able to -"

"If you're going to be late the next time, I have to suspend you." she cut me off. "You may go to work now."

I went out of her office trying to hold back tears in my eyes. I never really wanted this job. I just want to make a living. I know it's my fault to be late but how can I motivate myself to wake up with full energy when I even hate my work. Sometimes, I just wanted to hand in my resignation letter. My job is too demanding. I have to write four articles a day and that's burning me out. It drains out my energy.

I sat down on my not-so-comfy chair and started researching for a new topic that I don't even understand. I am a content writer in an SEO company. I don't even know how SEO works. I graduated with a Bachelor's degree in Biology and yet, here I am in an office and not in a laboratory or in a field. I was a student journalist back in College but I didn't imagine that I'm going to land a job in the business world. My job is to market stuff I don't even like. But at least, the good side of my work is that I learned a lot of things about business and the digital world.

The thing that makes me sad is that I wanted to be in a laboratory or in a field. I wanted to explore the ocean and not the internet.

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