6 A Reason To Live

Someone once told me, two things are certain in life that is inescapable, death and taxes. Now when you put it like that life sounds depressing...

By now you'd expect me to say something to contradict my statement but you'd be wrong. The truth is life is depressing, all we do is eat, drink, go to work or school and sleep. Most people would tell me that there are many things in life worth living for like finding your one true love or even fun activities...

But to be honest, the only things we do in our spare time are to fill that empty void inside our hearts with meaningless stuff and activities that won't mean anything when we die.

It's sad really, I've already given up on living.

I'm not saying that I'm gonna kill myself, heavens no. What I'm trying to say is that I don't mind if I die or not and my recent actions have been reflecting that.

I've been crossing roads with oncoming traffic, using roads as a walkway and I've even committed the worse offence of all... Eating with my mouth open in public.

At first, I was scared of death, thinking about it made me crawl up into a ball and cry knowing that it was inevitable and that I couldn't stop it and only delay it. But soon after I came to accept it, realising that to be honest, I wouldn't care if I was dead since when I'm dead my brain stops functioning meaning I won't be having any emotions.

Maybe it was because I wasn't really afraid of death at all, maybe it was because I was afraid of something more terrifying... immortality and neverending consciousness.

When you think about if heaven truly exists the concept of it is truly terrifying since your existence would be neverending and you would never cease to exist...

I feel like because of my current mindset it makes it hard for me to socialize with other people, I couldn't seem to even make a single friend in all of my previous years of school... Maybe it's because I push people away when they try to talk to me or even maybe just flat out ignore them.

To be honest I thought I was a psychopath at one point for highly disliking people, but apparently, you have to be egotistical and bold to be classified as a psychopath. With me only being antisocial I cleared that off my checklist. Despite that, I do enjoy the occasional lying sometimes and do have an occasional lack of empathy.

I don't know...

I think I've finally accepted that I'm a horrible person.

It was around 7 in the morning and the sun had just barely risen, I had woken up early around 5 since it takes me around an hour to get ready and another hour just to walk from my house to my school.

Man, I'm being such a downer...

I want something that I can live for...

Something that will make my life not worthless...

I want some meaning in my life...

I want someone in my life... someone just as horrible as I am...

I don't know... and I don't know if it was a work of some god or a religious entity... but somehow... someone or something...

Answered my prayers...

A window from the second floor of the building right next to me slammed open revealing a teenage boy around my age with messy black hair, teary watery eyes and a loud voice. He began laughing menacingly pointing at all the people passing by. He then began rambling about an organization of some sort... one that was controlling and manipulating us and how we should join him and fight the threat.

I think that was one of the first times I've ever smiled in a long time.

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