1 Tempering My Heart Is Futile

How funny is it, that I've ended up here despite all of my efforts?

"Glug, glug...ah."

A bitter stream of beer descended down my throat as I scratched my uneven beard. If a bystander saw my face he'd compare it with a beggar. And he wouldn't be far off from the truth.

The mirror in the dark and low-lit room reflected my face; thin, pale and bald.

"...look at how great my life is! I'm sixty, yet instead of rotting in a retirement home I'm here waiting for my death!"

I had always wished for my chemotherapy to fail, but I suddenly felt I should have just hung myself that day instead of trying to save myself.

I'm want to die! I don't want this shitty life anymore. It's nothing but misery at this point.

I threw the bottle of beer at the sweat-soaked sofa and started walking towards my bedroom, and that's when someone began pounding on my door.

The door into the apartment shook as someone rammed their fists repeatedly on it, " BANG BANG BANG!"

I didn't have the heart to reply, I knew the trouble would increase if I started talking so I stayed shut.

"Oi, Miyata, you fucking baldy, are you there?!"

The voice was young and uncouth, I could tell just from how he acted that he was the landlord's unruly henchman.

I clicked my tongue and realized I hadn't paid rent for three months. The beer had totally wrecked my brain.

" Miyata, you dumb ass, you haven't paid rent in three months! My father will call the police if you don't pay up, you fucker! By tomorrow noon, if you don't pay up we'll call the police. This is the last warning, don't even think about running away!"

I, Miyata, shook my head and heavily exhaled in wait for the guy to leave.

After a while, people from the other flats began to congest the floor. I could hear from my own room that they were whispering shameless and false banter about me; how I was an old man taking advantage of such a good landlord and stuff.

Good landlord? F*ck off. He only shows a nice face to you guys because you can pay.

Soon the young man left along with the crowd, and I was left in my messy room once again.

Three month's rent would be... impossible for me to pay. Due to my cancer I can't even work, otherwise my degree in accounting would've helped...

It's hopeless, of course. I didn't even think before spending all my money on alcohol and medicine, which lead to my current situation.

My chest felt cramped and heavy. I felt as if I couldn't breathe due to the intense worry. How would I pay the rent? What if I didn't pay, would they lock me up for years?

"Ah...i don't care... I need to sleep. I'll think about it after I wake up."

I couldn't even keep my eyes open, which was partially due to me avoiding sleep and intensely drinking alcohol without break.

Alcohol tastes nice, but the reason I drink so much is that I don't want to stay sober. I always...end up remembering my childhood when I'm sober, and when I do my cancer-ridden heart starts giving up.

I wish I was born dead.

I paced around my flat in the darkness and searched around for the door into my bedroom. I soon found it and jumped on the bed.

As if a mountain fell on the bed it slightly creaked and a photo fell on my face from a nearby table. I grabbed it and felt my chest begin to furiously throb.

Friends. That's right.

My current situation. I wouldn't have fallen to such a bad place if I only had friends.

I was lousy in school. Real screwed-up. A moron. I was antisocial and didn't bother with the other kids. A really bad student. I didn't have any brains. I didn't know what I was doing there. That's why I ended up like this...

If only they were still alive, maybe they might've noticed I was dying. Maybe.

'They` were my friends. The only ones I've ever had throughout my entire life. From kindergarten, to sadly, high school — a time where my entire life died off.

The laminated and crystal clear picture displayed a much younger me, sandwiched between a girl and a boy of similar age.

I was nineteen back then, suffering from endless homework and a pressure of finding my road into adulthood.

It was graduation day, when a man came inside the school and shot my only two friends. No one else was shot by the murderer, only my friends were.

I wish someone else had died instead of them, but I can't complain... Can I?

My face changed into an ugly grimace.

That day, I was the first one to run away from the murderer. I ran like hell and hid inside my locker while the murderer shot my two friends.

I was, and still am, the only reason for my misery. I should've just been...killed off at birth.

My thoughts were broken as my eyes rested on the girl in the photo.

Mia Kurishima. Third year, my best friend.

Her dark, waist lenght hair fluttered in the picture as she shyly smiled at the camera. Mia's feminine dressing style was displayed as she wore a white and graceful dress, that fluttered in the wind like her hair.

Mia's face was slightly sharp and angelic. Her thin and slightly rosy lips were displayed magnificently by the cheap camera of my time. Her hands were enterwined with mine.

Have you ever woken up from a dream; a vibrant, lifelike and beautiful dream, and felt 'that' feeling?

A feeling where your heart stops, breathing fastens as you began to think if you dream was a dream, or reality?

That's what I felt when I discovered her dead body. Her eyes were still open when the murderer shot her in the head.

I sighed and looked at Rito. My other best friend.

Tall, handsome and funny. That's all I could say about him. We used to play games, go on vacations and do everything together.

Like me, both of them were...antisocial. We matched really well in personalities back as kids, so we were the only ones that played with each other.

I threw the picture back on the table, and began to wonder if the pain in my chest would settle down. The throbbing pain hadn't subsided, and I think it would be better if it didn't.

I want to die. And thinking as such I closed my eyes.

... I was instantly asleep.

...

"Sweetie, hehe, wake up."

Hearing the manly voice calling me sweetie, I rolled over and looked in front of me with disgust.

I thought the landlord had come, but turns out someone else is here.

Dressed in a dark suit like a British spy, a ghost like entity floated in front of me. His hands held a black scythe as he swung it occasionally, and whenever he did a violent wave of heat would assault my face.

My face instantly darkened as I gasped. I realized that except my bed, everything was gone. Instead of my room, I was standing on a red ground overflowing with lava!

"Darling, surprised?" The ghostly entity chuckled and hovered towards me in an effeminate way.

"D-darling? What the hell?! Who are you and where am I?!"

"Come on sweetheart, you should be thanking me for saving your heart in time. Turns out, too much stress is bad for an old man, hehehe."

Wait, I know, this is a dream!!

My face wrinkled as I growled, " As if! You must not know about it, but I want to die. I don't want to live! "

" That I know, darling. It's just that certain efforts must be made to save resources. "

" Pftt. You're speaking like a demon. And let me guess, you're a devil, and you're also going to give me a chance to reincarnate? "

I chuckled loudly. It was funny, because I knew straight from the beginning that I was in a dream. Turns out, heavily binging on Anime made my dreams come out as weird.

Instantly, thunder broke through the hellish red sky and tore through the ground. The gentleman in the dress cackled as he instantaneously appeared before me.

"This isn't a dream, foolish Mortal."

A crackling sound rang out as pain spread throughout my torso. The ghostly entity had touched my chest with a single finger and rendered my entire body into dust.

My vision darkened, and brightened with the same hellish landscape again as I discovered myself back to where I was. The difference was that, this time, I was shaking and petrified.

"I-I understand! I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to belittle you."

"If you're truly sorry, say 'Thank you, John'."

"Thank y-you."

"John."

"T-thank you, John!"

I exhaled and inhaled. The burning stench of rotten filth entered my nose as I gagged.

The devil looked at me, and I felt my chest start thumping again.

"You're welcome, sweetheart. Now, we have far more grander matters to worry about, don't we?"

"I'll be clear and straightforward, this is the afterlife, but you aren't dead yet."

I looked on with a shocked face.

"Usually, people who have strong, unfulfilled wishes are sent to the deepest parts of hell — just because I want them to suffer more. I promise them reincarnation and throw them into the 7th level of hell, hehehe

!"

"But you, I don't want you to go there. I have some special... things I want you to do. In return, I'll fulfill a wish of yours."

"Any wish. Anything you want; anything that can be thought of, dreamt of, I can fulfill. Do you want to go to heaven? I'll take you there. Do you want to rule over hell? I'll give hell to you — but I want you to obey me Miyata."

Anything I want...

I don't want heaven, nor do I want to rule over hell... I want to save someone.

But I knew deep down my intentions weren't as pure as that. If I only wanted to save someone I'd ask the devil to kill the murderer from before...

" Can I ask for anything? Even if it's something outlandish as... time travel?"

"Time is nothing but a figure made to be bent. I knew you'd choose this; is it because of a girl, sweetie?"

I grimaced, "if you know it, why ask?"

"Because it's fun. Now, begone."

The ghostly entity, for the first time, smiled. A dark, sharp outline spread below its nose as I felt my heart start to slow down.

It kept slowing down, until it...stopped.

Whatever it was; demon, angel, ghost — it had stopped my heart in a moment only with a smile.

I'm entering a dangerous territory, but for my two friends, everything's worth it. My regrets, will be... fufiled.

"Oh, and remember, once you're back to life, don't die. You know, people don't come back to life after they die! Hehe!"

... What a lame joke.

...

...

...

...

Instead of my dark, messy and cramped flat I awoke to a bedroom that far outclassed it. Posh, beautiful and well-lit, I felt I could forever stare at it.

The open windows brought forth mighty spring breezes. I sniffed a bit and threw off my blanket.

Like rain, tears wettened the bed as I glanced at my surroundings. I recognized it in a heartbeat; it was my home.

My body wasn't as frail or pale as before; instead it was young and strong. I knew in an instant that I had reincarnated. It wasn't a dream either, I could feel my tears, my bed and the breeze.

But I was still unsure.

"Mom! Mom, mom!"

Like a child lost in a crowd, I shouted for my mother. I knew my mother died as soon as I was diagnosed with cancer, so there was no chance she would appear if this isn't the past.

Yet, before I could even move, two white lumps of fat appeared before my eyes.