4 Chapter 4

Lily and Harry arrived a moment later at Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop where they found seats near the window. Looking around, Harry could see some couples dancing to the music at the very back. He was surprised to find the place not so crowded, unlike the last time he was here with Cho Chang. The bad memories he had here were overwhelmingly uncomfortable, especially now that he was sitting here with his mother, who he thought, looked ready to tackle dark wizards.

Lily was looking out the window. She was holding her hands together on top of the table, her eyes showing signs of unease. The cute decorations were obviously not helping.

"Mum..."

"The meeting was... a disaster," said Lily slowly. "Our Chief Auror is pissed and I'm screwed." She sighed and looking highly uneasy.

Harry was looking anxious. He knew he messed up the meeting for her. If only he'd known she had the folder with her at the time, this wouldn't have happened.

"Mum, I'm so sorry... I shouldn't have –"

"Do you even realize how humiliating this is for me?" she asked

Harry swallowed hard and brought his head down. "I know," he muttered. "And I'm so sor –"

"Forget it." Lily cut him off and gave him a stern look. There was a long pause. Harry's heart was beating fast. He knew it was his fault.

Lily took a deep, exasperated breath and asked, "So, what else is going on?"

Harry couldn't bring himself to talk. He fidgeted a little in his seat before speaking.

"Ron's twin brothers opened a shop in Diagon Alley – The Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. And I went down there this morning to help with –"

"Sounds like fun." Lily cut him off and a hint of unconcern flashed through her eyes as she stared at Harry.

There was a strained silence, broken only by the music playing in the background. Harry glanced at some couples dancing. He can vividly remember seeing a picture of his parents dancing in the park, looking very happy. He looked back at his mother, "Do you want to... dance?" he asked, hoping against hope that maybe this could ease the tension.

"When have you ever seen me dance?" asked Lily coldly.

The turn of their conversation was obviously not going well. Harry decided to change the subject. "So, where did you go this afternoon after the meeting?"

"I spent the rest of the day walking around the city, thinking..."

"About?"

"About us," said Lily. Harry shifted uncomfortably.

Lily pressed on, "I have to admit our morning was not the greatest, and the meeting was - " she glanced at Harry's troubled look and added hastily, "I was wondering what to do, and then I met this old man on the lift and we talked. He made me realize that even though you and I have problems, we share a lot too, and I should appreciate that. Because underneath everything and despite this awful day... you are important to me."

"I guess what I'm really trying to say is... I want to persevere even though I know it is difficult. I really do." Lily said finally.

Harry was quiet for a moment, trying to comprehend what she meant. They never talked about this, let alone sat in a coffee shop together.

"What... what do you mean - difficult?" asked Harry, looking worried. "Am I making your life difficult?"

Lily crossed her arms. "You, of all people, should know how hard it is for me to actually raise and be with you, and always looking out for your well-being. What do you think your father would say if he were here?"

"But I'm doing my best every day trying to help you out." Harry reasoned quietly. "I am doing what you want, so I think dad would be happy."

"He'd be ashamed of seeing what you'd become!" Lily shot back with a glare. "You're not strong – you're not working harder!"

"That's not true," Harry said quietly. "I am working har –"

"You are not! You are weak!" Lily cut him off, still glaring at Harry.

"Is that all I am to you?" he asked with a slight bitterness to his tone. "I have excelled in school - I got the top mark!" Harry burst out, his voice dripping with frustration. "I've been studying hard for years! Does that even count to you?"

"You are delusional to think that getting a top mark in school would make you invincible!" Lily countered, her eyes flashed dangerously.

"I didn't –"

"You are not making any effort to become stronger! Do you even realize how many people are being killed and yet you just go on with your life wasting precious time in a joke shop!"

Harry looked at her desperately, wishing for his mother to understand. "I am doing what I can –"

"You are not doing enough!" Lily shouted angrily. "Your father died trying to save you! He risked his life for your own sake! How could you take that for granted? He –" she hesitated, "He was the only person that was keeping me sane! Do you even care? Why do you have to take him away from me?!"

A pang of overwhelming sadness and hurt hung over Harry. He can feel pent up emotion rise in his chest. His mother seemed to have put up an invisible wall, a barrier. He felt sick; this wasn't the way things were supposed to be. They were supposed to be celebrating.

"Why can't you even see what I'm doing?" Harry's eyes welled with tears, his voice quivering slightly. "I am doing all of this for you! Why can't you be proud of me for once? Why can't you come and talk to me and be happy even for just a second?"

"I do talk to you and –"

"Really?" Harry asked more forcefully, sadness lacing his words. All the things that had been troubling him from the start came crashing down; the fact that Lily refused to share anything about James or simply not opening herself up to Harry, which had been tormenting him for ages, and her being distant to everybody.

"You never tell me how you feel or talk about yourself or dad. You forgot my assembly. We ran into my best friends and you act as if they have something contagious..."

Harry stopped himself sighed heavily, thinking that it is pointless to continue.

"Mum, I know you have the best intentions, but I feel like I am just another one of your cases at work that needs solving... That hurts." Lily heard her son's voice break as tears started leaking from beneath his eyelids. "And the worst part is… I think I'm used to it."

Lily furrowed her brows, confused. "I don't understand..." she paused, her eyes flickering up to meet Harry's pained expression.

Sorrow filled Harry's every being. This is killing me. I don't know how to make her understand. "If there'd just been one day, mum..." he cried, "one day, when nothing else mattered but us."

Lily sat quietly for a long moment, a stunned look on her face.

"I'm going home," Harry said in a very audible whisper as he stood up, wiping his tears away.

Barely holding on to his last strand of hope, he looked at his mother and said, "I saw you earlier at Quality Quidditch Supplies, what were you doing?"

"Work," said Lily simply.

That was the last straw for Harry; he couldn't take the hurt anymore. It was suffocating him. Unable to control himself, he shed more tears as he turned around and left.

A few couples were eyeing Lily curiously and talking among themselves after seeing a young man ran out the door. It was a painful scene to witness. Some of them heard the conversation and gave Lily disapproving looks, while others were merely shaking their heads.

Lily inhaled deeply as she pressed her hands to her head, looking dejected. She never wanted her night with her son to go wrong. Why does everything have to be this way? She tried to relive their conversation from the start when she told Harry how he wasn't strong enough, how James would be ashamed... I never meant to say it! Lily cursed under her breath. She can't believe she said it like it's a natural thing to say to a child. And now her son's getting used to all of it. And I didn't even notice it... Am I a horrible mother?

Lily drew a long breath, thinking of her son. She knew she had to pull her act together and make this right.

There was an abrupt change of mood inside the shop; the music stopped playing, all eyes looking nervously outside the windows. They could hear a commotion outside, people shouting and screaming and running in different directions, some popping noises and then silence.

A scared-looking man entered the shop and yelled, "Someone's been attacked!"

Lily stood up quickly, chills ran down her spine. No!

She ran hurriedly out of the shop, frantically looking around the dimly-lit street, not knowing where to go. No... please...

She saw people running away to the other side of the street, fleeing to something that was moving in the shadows. Hooded figures in black cloaks emerged and went in the other direction. Death Eaters.

Lily ran down towards where they came from, brandishing her wand just in time to see and hear a merciless cackle of a gaunt and skull-like woman: Bellatrix Lestrange, an evil grin on her face and looking directly at her before Disapparating. Heart beating fast, Lily turned a corner –

Someone was sprawled on the ground, twisting and turning. She could hear moans and small gasps as they tried to catch breaths. Inhaling sharply, Lily sprinted towards it, cold sweat trickling down her forehead. No... please... please...

She gulped some air as she drew closer, each step was suffocating. No... no... no...

Lily had reached the floor, her breath coming in searing gasps. She knew very well those green emerald eyes.

"NO!" Lily screamed. "No! Oh please! No! Harry! HARRY!" She broke down in hysterical sobs.

Small beads of sweat covered Harry's face. He whimpered, breathing hard as he tried to look at his mother.

"Mum?"

Lily knelt down beside him, "I'm here, Harry. I'm here..." She cried as she grabbed her son's hand, caressing it slowly.

Harry's eyes shut, an excruciating pain coursed through his whole body. He cried out in agony and grabbed his stomach where a silver knife with rune markings around it was lodged deep inside him. Lily went pale as she saw the knife. She had seen it before. No! No! No!

"Mum!" Harry cried out desperately, trying to bite back the pain. His whole body tensed up and Lily watched him helplessly as he began to shake slightly. Lily squeezed his hand letting her son know she's there.

She looked into his pain-filled emerald eyes, "Harry, I know you're hurting... and it's going to be even more painful, but I'm going to try and... and pull out the knife, okay?" she warned, smoothing his hair back.

Harry slammed his eyes shut as Lily took hold of the knife. Another overwhelming pain shot through Harry's body. Harry whimpered and clenched his teeth. "It'll be over soon," Lily assured him. She took a deep, shaking breath and pulled out the knife.

Harry screamed, tears streaked down his face. It was pain beyond imagining, pain past endurance.

Lily frantically tried to ease his agony, to close the deep wound through healing spells. She cast one after another but nothing was working. No! No! Please!

Eyebrows knitted in pain, Harry tried to speak but was overcome with coughs that racked his entire body. Lily saw to her horror that his son was coughing up blood.

"Harry, oh Harry!" Lily sobbed, looking down at him worriedly. Her mind went blank in panic. She wiped the blood away as another fit of hacking coughs hit him. Oh god... oh please...

Harry stared at his mother weakly, swallowing hard, "I'm... sorry –" he grasped her hand tightly as he cried out, another wave of unbearable pain shooting through his already pained body.

Lily squeezed his hand gently, "It's alright, love..." she said soothingly, despite her uncontrollable sobs. "It's okay..."

Harry was feeling worse and worse by the second. A moan escaped his lips. He closed his eyes.

"Harry, stay awake..." said Lily, feeling hopeless as she cast another healing spell, but to no avail.

Harry opened his eyes miserably, barely seeing anything now.

"Mum..." he whispered. His vision swam dangerously.

Lily bent down and sobbed harder, patting her hand onto his in reassurance, "I'm... I'm right here sweetheart... I'm here."

"Sorry I'm - not strong enough –" Harry coughed up blood.

"NO!" Lily wailed. "That's not true! You're strong... you're strong..."

As the minutes ticked by, Harry was becoming too tired and weak to move. His breathing became raspy and his pulse was weakening, his eyelids began to droop.

"No, no, no... Harry!" Lily yelled, jerking him awake. "Don't close your eyes! Please! Please..." she rocked Harry back and forth in her arms.

Harry opened his eyes a mere inch, still trying to see from his blurry visions, his breathing slowing down but still holding on to dear life. "I love you, mum..." he said in a low, hoarse voice after all the screaming.

Lily sobbed more and more. "I love you..." she stroked his hair, his face... "so much."

With great difficulty, Harry searched for his mother's eyes... And with a relieved yet sad last breath Harry smiled and closed his eyes, letting the darkness to finally consume him.

"HARRY! NO! No..." Lily began shaking Harry's shoulders desperately. "PLEASE... please... wake up..."

She did not know how long she was crying, sitting, looking at her son. She couldn't stand the lack of the rising and falling of his chest that told her he was still alive – that he was just sleeping. She couldn't stand not seeing his eyes... his green, bright emerald eyes... she couldn't –

Lily frantically grabbed her wand and started casting spells trying to heal and bring Harry back.

A hand rested gently on her shoulder.

"Please stop," An old man said softly. "There's nothing you can do –"

"NO! I just need to heal him and he'll be fine again like always –"

"It's too late." The old man held her arm to stop her.

"It's not! " Lily struggled hard to free her arm but the old man would not let go.

With one final look at his son, she lowered her wand, looked up at the old man desperately but he shook his head sadly and said, "He's gone."

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