2 mama

Mum...

why can't you see me hurting? Don't you care about me.

At some point, I started blaming my mum for my dad's unfaithfulness. If she had not been so overbearing, he would not have left me.

I say this because my mum was always there since I was born. Living as her daughter was not easy.

I did not want to go home.

Home felt foreign to me. I really hated her.

In 2016, I was cutting myself and I burst one day and told my mum that I was really not ok.

I was bawling.

Her respones were unbelievable. She just pushed all the blame on me when clearly it was her fault.

For example, I said that I am experiencing a lot of pressure because of her expectations. I know that she wants the best for me but I am not that perfect as she think I am.

After that day, I never confided in her. I hated her but as I grew older, I felt tired. I was really tired to continue.

Maybe you guys may say it's because I never confided in her that's why she don't understand me.

But it's hard...

I am always wearing this bubbly and cheerful mask around people since 2014 and it had become so perfect that nobody can see my pain, my real self.

My real self is the shy, afraid to commit and want somebody to see that I am actually hurting so much. Itis screaming for someone to notice.

My mask is the total opposite.

If you look into my eyes, you will see how much I much I am hurting.

[2017]

Things started to get better when I entered secondary school.

I met 3 angels that helped me and saw the real me.

The LY series came out and I really cried listening to the touching lyrics.

I felt so connected to Bts who showed what love was.

I became part of one big family called ARMY.

I am proud call myself one.

I don't like Bts just because they are popular or handsome. Some of my classmates may think so but they don't know how Bts had saved me.

They saved me through their music and love.

I AM AN ARMY.