1 A Letter From Your Idiot

I always knew, beautiful dreams sometimes can turn into terrible nightmares. Would it be too rude of me, if I refer you as one? From the very beginning, you have been a beautiful dream for me. Everything was magical, just like the fairy tales I used to read. How can it not be? It was 'love at first sight' after all!

Okay, I already know how cheesy that thing sounds! Do you think I don't already know the fact, that 'love at first sight' is nothing but lust? Even if that's the case, I have to call it one. Because it was from then I loved, knew what love is.

That winter morning was the first time I saw you or, remember first time seeing you. The moment my eyes found your closed ones; you were enjoying the morning breeze holding a cup of coffee in your hand. I don't have a clue, why my first attempt was to try my best to delete that beautiful sight from my brain as soon as possible. As if, my head was trying to protect me from something worse that was going to happen to me! I felt the air surrounding me, trying best to not let me breathe. I was confused if my face was getting hotter or my palms were turning cold. My heart kept tightening up, until you opened your eyes and then I was done for! Although you were far across the other side of the road, I could see your eyes so clear that I was scared. I cannot explain my shivering hands, if it's not because I was afraid! Something inside me seemed very happy to the point, I could hear my heart beating loud and clear. I literally felt, I could clearly see right through your eyes and tell what you were thinking, what your soul is like, or what you are like. Then I realized, our eyes met, and you could see me too. Pretty thick head huh! Quickly I ran and hid behind the curtains and peeked to just find you indifferent about that moment, focused in sipping the coffee mug. I was sad thinking how it did not faze you at all, while I was burning up just then. I kept peeking, as I kept wanting to see just a bit longer how the cold breeze would play with your few smooth jet black fringes which were almost hitting your eyes. Boy, would you be surprised if I say you are my first crush ever?

I was filled with positive energy the entire day as the sight kept playing in my head over and over again. I wanted to believe in magic and have faith in those cheesy fairy tales no matter what, when I wrote the date on my personal diary that night. It was clearly February fourteen, time 7:35 am and you were the first person to appear in front of my eyes as I opened my room curtains after waking up. There you stood in your balcony across the road, in front of my window wearing a plain red t-shirt. Holding a red coffee mug in one hand and leaning on the wall in front with the other. Was it since then, my favorite color list added a new color in it? It was really hard to sleep that night, I could not even close my eyes until I gave myself the excuse, I have to sleep early if I want to see you again the next morning.

Déjà vu, the same thing happened again! Except, this time you were holding a tissue instead of the mug, wearing a white-grey sweatshirt and a gloomy look. Of course, you were having a cold. I frowned as I badly wanted to scold you, 'Idiot, what were you doing wearing a t-shirt the other morning in this cold weather?' Yet, again you saw me staring at you like a stalker, your eyes widened and my cheeks were burning until you buried your face in the tissue and sneezed. I could not help but laugh, trust me that was cute! I couldn't let you see me laughing like that, so I quickly hid behind the curtains. Then peeked to find you smiling as the most handsome guy you are. Again I felt my heart tightening.

Few days passed and boy you became like an addiction to me. Every day and night turned into some horrible torture waiting for the morning. Then I discovered you come in the afternoons as well, rubbing a towel on your head when the sun would make it difficult for me to even look at you. Yet I found out something nice, when your wet fringes covered your cute eyes, I was literally awed. Obviously, I had to stare an entire day by my window to make that discovery! See, how creepy of a stalker you turned me into?

People are right when they say, addiction is a bad thing. Because I could not focus on anything but you. I was helpless, I did want to stop peeking and stop seeing you but nothing worked. I would feel even worse if someday I missed seeing you. I liked even the waiting to see you part of my life and loved it when I could take a simple glimpse of you. That was worth everything!

That day still horrifies me, when I was walking out of my house to go somewhere with mom and you were by the gate of your house sitting on a tool, talking with your friends and laughing. I promised myself to just take a peek, but failed to keep it as my eyes stuck at yours, it was for the first time I could see your eyes so close and clear while your hair was smoothly brushed backwards below your pale version of peach wide forehead. I had no clue you wore glasses, but knowing that only made me more fascinated. You looked like a hot nerd and I looked like a fool staring at you, I didn't notice my mouth was slightly open until my mom came out through the gates. It was really embarrassing when I noticed I was caught staring and that too, by you and you were grinning like you won some battle. Meanie! My insides were skipping when my eyes found the dimples at your cheek and I almost dragged myself out of the place until I could not see you.

Days passed, weeks passed and months were gone as I kept cherishing these moments of my life like a daily routine. I never possessed any guts to tell anyone about this to begin with. Not you as well. I enjoyed that time, I was happy to just see you and scared even to imagine for more. Winter came again and that year you decided to play in the court beside our house and my craving for seeing more of 'you' was a bit stabilized. I hated the fact that you never played facing my side of the window while I kept sitting at my study table for hours to see you there. 'Do you understand what driving people insane means? Idiot!'

One day something interesting happened, I found out what your name is! Your friends were shouting it out loud and I happened to hear it. Then that night while talking to mom, I found out you were two grades higher and we used to play together when we were little. Trust me I was so happy hearing that, I would've had no regrets to die just then. But the next thing mom said made me regret even being born! What did she say? She said, our parents actually had a big fight at that time over some issues and they hate each other now. 'Why was it like that?' I felt like sinking and something was terribly wrong inside me. I didn't like that 'fight for whatever reason' at all! I was relieved however, for not imagining any future. I was grateful towards my fear and cowardliness for some time.

Did I stop my addiction towards you? Nope, not a chance! I couldn't even if I tried to, so I kept all my pleasure just for myself. You want to see my silly love poems I spent my time writing? I can show you one I guess-

"Clearly, you were not the breeze

that could make my time freeze.

And you were the only color

I couldn't have liked, ever.

But my time was frozen, wasn't it?

Yet I made you the color of my life, did I not?

I ended up loving everything, bit by bit.

I ended up making you my 'forever',

Even when I decided once, to love you never."

I know, it is cheesy okay? What did you expect me to do when all I could do was to think about you?

Finally, it was that day, when you were playing at the other side of the court facing my direction of view. That day, I realized why you didn't play at that spot, you were playing bad. I was staring as usual, it never felt wrong stalking you and staring at you, I felt like I had some weird kind of right on you, to do so. I saw you looking in my direction once in a while and what girl would not like such a hot guy she has a crush on looking at her while playing badminton? I grinned in awe supporting my face with my hands as if, so that it would not fall off of my head. But, felt like burying myself for having such joy, when you got hit on your head while staring back at me. Your friends were laughing out loud surrounding you, blocking my view of your embarrassed face. I was happy, I was really happy to know my existence had some kind of effect on you.

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I liked when we ran into each other while running errands even though we never talked. I was simply happy to see you there, I was satisfied just at that. But what made you talk to me that day? You clearly ran towards me calling my name in that evening. I was quite surprised that there was no one in that all time crowded street except you and me. My heart was almost skipping out of my system hearing my name coming out of your mouth. I loved your voice, not harsh, a soft and sweet manly voice! I stopped and turned to find you looking at me, but why was there so much pain in those eyes? You nervously scratched the back of your neck before you said, "I really wish you never had noticed me that morning, like every other one! But, it made me really happy to finally exist in your world of sight." I was not sure why you would be saying such things. Then for the first time I uttered your name and your eyes seemed smiling as well as your lips at that. It felt amazing! Do you remember what I said? I clearly said "I have every right to notice and see you as long as you are in my visual range. However, what do you mean by existing, we played together when we were kids, didn't we?" Your smile widened and the little lingering pain from your eyes disappeared. You replied, "Yes, I do remember that. You were 6 and I was 8. I never once forgot that." I really felt guilt consume my entire mind as I didn't remember any of that at all. I wouldn't have even known the fact if my mom hadn't told me. My eyes searched for the ground to hide that guilt, so that it doesn't get seen by you. Your right palm reached my left cheek, it was huge your fingers reaching all the way to the back of my ear and so warm that I had to close my eyes and snuggle my cheek at your palm. Opening my eyes, I found you grinning exposing your dimples. Cold breeze hit me as your hands left me to find my nose, pinching which you said, "You are so transparent and cute like you were back then!" I could see myself, flushing red clearly in your eyes. You continued after poking my nose twice with a devilish smirk, "You are not supposed to let just anyone touch you like that, idiot!" I was totally fuming hearing that, but deep inside it felt nice to hear that coming from you. I had to reply too, you know! "And you are not supposed to touch just anyone like that as well, double idiot!" I could tell, you did not laugh like that for a while, how you laughed at that stupid statement. I did not understand why you said that right next, but I liked hearing that "Am I allowed to love you now?"

If you were not, who would have been!? After all, I love you. I have been loving you all this time. But those words did not skip my mouth as guilt surrounded my mind once again. So, I decided to say the truth which I shouldn't have maybe, "I am sorry, I forgot what happened when I was 6. But, I fell for you a while ago and I think I am starting to dare to imagine a future loving you forever." I did not imagine you to be so shocked. I did want to remember what happened when we were little, I did want to remember playing with you as well. It became important because it was with you and I wanted to remember everything that contains memories with you. Your suddenly teary eyes made me hate my rusting brain when you smiled touching my cheek again, "We used to play together all the time and something happened because of us and our parents fought." You winked at me before saying, "Because of a weird experiment you suggested!" Weird experiment! I suggested? Then a flashback rushed in my head out of nowhere...

My mouth went wide open as I said those words to you, "I asked why mom and dad kisses!" Then at my almost dying with embarrassment moment you had to say, "And I said, I don't know either. Should we try and see, why?" Our parents saw us kissing! I remembered that chubby little cute boy I always played with, we were the same height then and you grew out to be one tall and slender cool looking boy. You scratched the back of your neck again, "I was accused of seducing you even when I was little!" How I wanted to say, what about I seduce you this time. But what came out of my mouth was even embarrassing, "I am kind of glad you were my first kiss!" I saw you going stiff as you said, "I am glad and grateful to my life for the same reason! I love you, idiot." I smiled and ran giggling all the way after saying, "I think, I love you too!". At that very moment, I saw you smiling but your eyes were dying to shed tears. I felt happy and close to you, but at the same time I also felt very distant that it hurt.

I was about to ask you out if you didn't in the third morning since you didn't that evening. How could you leave me alone just after confessing? You did wait for me for 10 years. I promised myself to love you even more in the following days of my life so that I could at least reach half of those 10 years. But why did you do that to me? How could you leave me just like that? Why did you turn that beautiful dream into this lengthy terrible nightmare? It already has been almost seven years since I last saw you.

Maybe my mind took that promise too seriously, which I meant with my everything. I could never forget you, even once. Do you think I never tried to move on and love someone else? I did. But no matter what I kept slandering the word love every time I tried. I detested the word love with my entire being at such moments. Every time I tried to think of a new beginning I ended up losing everything to you. Every time I thought I was capable of falling for another person, it never even took a month to change that thought. No moment has ever been even close, to be able to replace that moment with you. It has been almost two and a half years since I gave up even trying. 'Not trying', kind of feels good now. I have made a lot of friends, promised to always follow what my parents want me to do and learnt how to smile like nothing's ever happened. Love is defined different to different people. I see so many people falling in love every day as I keep supporting the ones who fall in love, maybe because there is still a part within me which wants to believe in those fairy tales. Just because this girl here is still stupidly selfish enough to believe love stories can have a happy ending, she keeps cheering everyone like crazy.

This girl is still stupid enough to be curious if you are really happy where you are. She still wants to go to the same hell where she knows you are. It was supposed to be a secret I take to my grave, but I turned out to be a coward wanting to remain sane. Just like that time, I could not die alongside you. I was not sure if I would have you in front of my eyes every time I close my eyes after doing that. I still don't know. why you had to leave for hell on your own. I hope to join you there someday, carrying every sin within. Till then, I want to love you and cherish the time even in which I miss you, as every morning I wait before the window.

Yours forever,

'Your idiot'.