1 Snow

The snow began to fall early in the morning. It covered the ground in its ironic blanket of cold, leaving nothing but a sheet of white where grass had once laid claim to the soil below. The sun now beamed down on the earth, and everyone began to wake. They grabbed their gloves, kicked on their shoes, and headed out with hats over their ears to protect their sensitive eardrums from the chilling weather.

Daniel, however, remained asleep. The noises of children and adults alike playing outside his window reached him not as he carried on with his rest. That is, until he received a knock at his door.

"Danny! Are you gonna join everyone? It's a snow day!"

He raised his head as the voice boomed excitedly through his door. He smacked his lips tiredly, looking toward the window. Specks of white fell frozen from the sky.

"Huh... it sure is."

The knock sounded once more, louder this time. "Hey, I know you hear me Daniel! It's snowing, get your butt out of bed!"

Daniel stood and walked to the door, opening it slowly and peeking out. Samantha, a tall, blond girl that stayed in the room nextdoor, stood before him.

"Well hey there, sleepyhead! You gonna join me?"

Daniel looked back into his room. "W-well—"

"Oh come on, I can see through you a mile away. Don't just go back to bed, come outside with me. Let's have a snowball fight, or make snow angels, all the classics!"

"Um..." Daniel looked down, then back up at Samantha. "...I don't really like the cold that much, especially not snow."

Samantha sighed. "Well, my mother didn't raise a beggar. buuuut~ if you change your mind, I'll be outside. Find me."

She walked down the hall with Daniel's gaze close in tow, looking back and scaring Daniel half to death.

"Find me!"

Daniel closed his door, sighing as he turned toward his dorm. He took in the filth of a room he lived in and got frustrated with himself, but ultimately did nothing to shoulder that frustration. His room still a pigsty, he sat on his bed, tossing on some shoes. He realized soon after that he was still wearing the sweats he'd slept in, but he decided not to do anything about it. The shoes were on, and he had moved on yet again. He finished dressing in warm garb to repel the icy weather outside, and stood.

He just stood there for a bit. He didn't try to find anything, he didn't move toward the door, and he didn't sit back down. He remained still, his empty mind letting him be. His senses came to him, and he shook his head, grabbing his phone and moving towards the door. He checked the halls to make sure Samantha had really left, and trekked the opposite way down the hall.

He found an exit a little bit away, where some stairs led down a few feet to the snowed-on pavement below. A few other people sat there on those stairs that Daniel recognized.

"Hey Daniel! How's it going man!?"

Daniel gave the guy a light wave back. "Just going walking. How about you guys?"

They explained that they were essentially just shooting the breeze, and let Daniel be on his way. He spotted Samantha off to the left a bit, and put his hood on to stay hidden.

He kept going, and was yet again spotted by another friend. "Hey Danny~ You out for a fine snow day like today for something in particular?"

Daniel shrugged. "Oh! Um, Hey Katy... J-just walking, I guess."

"Awwww, is the cold gettin' to you? Or is it me?"

Daniel looked away nervously. "I just tripped over my words is all. Been d-doing it a lot lately, actually."

Katy nodded, her smile fading. "Uh... huh. So what's that mind of yours brewing? If you came out for no reason, you were prolly thinking somethin' to yourself, hmm?"

Daniel shrugged again. "Oh, just about the snow, I guess."

"What about the snow? about how pretty it is? About how it brings us together to bear the cold with one another?"

"I... Well, I was thinking more of how even though the snow falls softly, we still fear the snow."

"I don't follow. I'm not scared of the snow."

Daniel looked out into the woods, still greenery underneath the treetops with only speckles of snow coming through. "Sure, not now. But imagine if the snow kept falling. Imagine if the snow replaced the sun. We rely on the sun even though it sears and burns what remains within its rays for too long. But the snow can make you slip, give you frostbite. And yet we praise it."

Katy nodded slowly. "Well! I'm gonna leave you be... And get going myself."

Daniel smiled and waved as she turned. Once she was out of earshot, he turned and muttered curses at himself. She probably thought him stupid now, He should have just not talked. The longer he thought about his analogy, the dumber it became in his eyes, even though he thought it to be a deep and emotionally stimulating thought.

To make himself a little bit happier and keep his morale up, he began to hum a song he'd been listening to lately. He knew he'd been listening to it too much on a streaming website, and that he wouldn't like it as much soon if he kept it up, but he still hummed it and practiced the runs in it as he trudged forward.

"So when were you gonna tell me you snuck out?"

Daniel squeezed his eyes shut and sighed, turning toward Samantha.

"You didn't see me?"

Daniel held his tongue for a moment, a lie on the end of it. But he ultimately told the truth. "Yeah... I did."

Samantha stared for a moment, choosing what words to throw at the defeated looking Daniel that stood before her.

Daniel jolted as Samantha's forehead touched his own.

"Did you know..." Samantha whispered into his ear, "... Friends are willing to do what their friends wanna do? That's what friendship means, bud."

Daniel sighed. "Sorry... I guess I've been a little full of myself lately, haven't I?"

Samantha shrugged. "I wouldn't know. I haven't seen you outta that room in a month... Or do you always make efforts to avoid me?"

Daniel bit his lip and looked away. "I'm sorry..."

"Oh, no! Don't be sorry, Danny! I'm not really mad. If you didn't want to be friends anymore, then I'd hope you would say so. We'd be able to move along on our own that way."

Daniel kicked some snow to the side, standing still and looking to the side.

"Eye contact?"

Daniel turned his gaze toward her. "Yes, eye contact is important."

She shifted her weight to one side and put her hand on her hip. "So... Friends? acquaintances? People who know each other kinda?"

"Of..." Daniel closed his eyes, gulping down the nerves he was feeling. "O-of course we're still friends, Sam..."

Samantha smiled at him. "I know. I don't feel like it at the moment, but every relationship has its valley. So what's with the never seeing you thing?"

Daniel looked away, at the trail ahead. "Mind if we walk?"

"Not at all, as long as we can talk about this."

They walked forward, over a small bridge that crossed still running water, and continued the conversation.

"I don't know, I guess I just like being alone. And what with all the music, the shows, the writing, the drawing, it's all things I wanna do."

Samantha gave him a hefty humph. "All I ever catch you doing is playing videogames. Not that I think that's bad, the new COD is pretty dope."

Daniel looked her directly in the eyes, which caught her off guard. "There's never been anything you've wanted to do, but just couldn't? Not that you lacked motivation, but that you just... Couldn't?"

Samantha though for a bit. "Not particularly."

"No show you wanted to watch for a year but just don't? no hobby you wanted to pick up since you were in high school?"

She shook her head. "I kind of just... do them."

Daniel sighed. "Well... when I wake up every day, I look at that door. I think about all the things I could do for my friends, all the cool shit we could do together. Your birthday rolled around and I was preparing a huge party, with music and all. I told everyone I was doing it, too. You can ask them. But week of, I couldn't get out of that door. I wasn't tired, and I wasn't sick. I definitely was motivated to do it, the plans are still on my phone. But I just... couldn't."

Samantha looked away.

"For some reason, even though you're my best friend, I find it the hardest to come to you. I tell everyone I'm depressed and don't want to do much, but whenever you call I'm always happy to tell you I'm fine. I guess I just wanted one holy grail who thought I was a decent person, but I seem to have f-fucked that one up t-too..."

Daniel looked away, wiping his eyes. "Sorry. I guess in my battle to make sure we stayed friends, I pushed us further apart. I just didn't want you to see me struggle, I guess."

Samantha felt a lump swell in her throat. She had no idea Daniel was having a tough time, because he never made it known.

"So... I'm sorry. I let you down."

She wanted to be snarky and retort 'Yeah, you did', but she couldn't. Tears streamed down her face as she hugged him. "I-I didn't know..."

Daniel stared blankly into the trees nearby. "How could you have known?"

The snow continued to lightly pepper them and turn their clothes stark white. Daniel wanted to care about Samantha with every thought in his head, but instead his thoughts completely shifted to the snow. between Samantha's sobs of disappointment and sorrow, the snow made a tiny sound when it hit Daniel's jacket. He tried to tear his thoughts back to Samantha, but they immediately migrated to his cold feet. He had debated on wearing extra socks earlier but didn't.

He cursed under his breath, and hugged Samantha back more tightly. "S-sorry."

Samantha shrugged. "I take part of the blame." She sniffled again and tried to dry up her tears. "Can I be there for you?"

Daniel nodded. "As much as you want."

"Is it what YOU want?"

Daniel looked away. "Nothing more."

Samantha buried her face in his shoulder. "Can I do anything to make you feel better?"

Daniel closed his eyes. Cold, harsh tears streamed his cheeks. "I... I don't think so."

Samantha burst into tears again, shivering against him. Daniel tried to force himself to cry with her, but he couldn't make himself, even considering what was happening in front of him. At times he felt like the most empathetic and feeling person, but it felt as though it were a shell, a facade for the fact that he couldn't really feel much at all, as if his emotions weren't his emotions, but his logic was.

Daniel signed, lying his head on hers. "Do you want me to go to my room? I think I ruined your snow day."

Samantha held him all the tighter. "You answered my question," she squeaked out. "I'm so proud of you."

Daniel shut his eyes. That one really did bring the tears. And as he cried, Samantha comforted him. He was thankful to have someone who cared about him enough to stay by his side.

Because, were it me, no one would understand. Not like that. No matter what I say, no one is in my head.

...Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.