1 Chapter 1: Hell's Customer Support

I held my phone in my hand and the other held a tight leash...in my house. "Mom I can't talk right now I am a bit busy." I said into the phone as I dove to the floor, avoiding the ball of fire heading in my direction. "No mom nothing is wrong with Sammy, he is just fussy today." I looked down the leash to see my adopted baby chewing on his leash... with his two new fangs. I continued talking on the phone dodging attacks from the tiny monster that I had named Samual. Getting closer to him between attacks. I knew if I picked him up and bounced him on my hip it would calm him down enough to stop his attacks. I dodged fire balls left and right, which left scorchmarks on my ceiling. I grabbed the nearest small object that wasn't torn to shreds, and I shoved it in Sammy's mouth. He chewed on the old TV remote long enough that I could pick him up. I breathed a sigh of relief and walked with him on my hip into the kitchen. I gave him a block of ice and set him in high chair. He instantly began to gnaw and shred it.

I had still managed to stay on the phone.

"Mom I promise he is fine he is just teething." I looked over to Samuel who had tufts of his black hair sticking out the sides of his ram like horns.

"I can handle it Mom..." I said in an exasperated voice. "Yes mom I am very aware that his 'condition' makes things harder." I said, rolling my eyes as if she could see me. "Well my son my responsibility. I got this. Now I gotta go he needs dinner. Yeah I love you too. Bye." I finally hung up the phone. I looked at Sammy who was nearly done shredding his ice block.

"Okay monster man let's get you some yummies." I said and put on an apron. Sammy looked at me with his big lavender eyes, and smiled with his two bottom fangs that had recently appeared. His fox-like black tail sprung up from behind him where it had been tucked in, and began to wag.

Any mention of food typically got him excited.

Now how you may ask did I end up with a monster for a kid? Well here it is, it isn't a long story, but it definitely changed my life.

I was on my way to the store. I opened my front door and as I began to walk outside...I tripped over a box. Then the box began crying. When I peered into the box, I saw a monster, albeit it was an adorable one. Some people would have screamed, others may have called the police; I however picked up the box with the monster inside and bolted into my house. The baby was still crying, and I noticed his tears were turning into steam. Against my better judgment I picked him up. Then I got to discover the tail; it added both to the adorableness and the monster side. I noticed a note that was in the box. I crouched down with the baby to grab it. It read "Hey asshole remember me? You know that demon you slept with a year ago and was never called back? Well congratulations here is your prize for being a crappy human being. It can't stay in hell with me because it is too human and still alive. So no returns. Hope you enjoy your life with your mutant bastard."

The baby had a blank expression on it's face. "Whoa your mom is savage. Guess she had the wrong address. Now what?" I said to the baby.

That's it. That's all to the story of how we met. A one night stand between some human and a demon, and a mix up of address. I obviously couldn't call the police or CPS. I mean the kid had purple eyes, ram horns, a fluffy tail, and steamy tears. In the few months he has been with me he has started growing fangs, and breathes fire when he is upset. Now I know I am not an expert on social skills, but I am pretty sure humans having sex with mythical creatures isn't a common thing, and a 'love child' between the two is probably less likely. I couldn't return him to either of his parents because; I don't know who his father is, the closest thing to a name I have is asshole. As for the mother...well Google maps can't really direct me to Hell.

So here I am raising a little monster. As a human I can easily find out how to raise another human. Between Google and my mother I got the basics down. However learning about his demonic side...that is up to interpretation. I have read so many books talking about mythical monsters. Everywhere from fifteen foot trolls to changling babies. So I have tried to make his diet with a lot of various proteins. Assuming demons eat people and cows like in the books, though he will be having a human free diet. I give him blood pudding regularly, which is disgusting all around, but I am able to give him blood that way much easier that killing and draining animals. It also takes away the chance of him getting any kind of disease from the blood. (Author note: I have hunted, purely for the meat, and I can tell you draining the animal of blood can take days.)

Toys are difficult, especially now that his fangs are growing in. Lately I have been getting ugly stone decorations, and paper weights for him to chew on, they usually withstand the fire too. I also keep blocks of ice in the freezer for him to gnaw on. There are also multiple fire extinguishers in every room of the house. I had to learn about the need of those the hard way. and that ladies and gentlemen is as far as I have come. So let the stories begin.

"Breakfast time little man." I said whilst bringing him blood pudding, and various pureed baby foods of my own design. He beat his hands on the tray of his highchair ready for his food. "Okay little man I hear you I placed the hardly edible food on the tray in front of him, and he quickly dug in; shoving handfuls of food into his mouth.

"You should really learn how to use utensils they are all the rage in the human world these days." I joked as I watched the baby make a mess of everything in his vicinity. After a few minutes his tray was clean, but Sammy however was covered in food. "Okay Sammy time for a bath." I said. He knew what the word bath meant and he wasn't fond of them. He growled at me letting some smoke come out his mouth. "Oh no you do not growl at me." I scolded in a motherly voice. "You keep that up and you will get a cold bath." I picked him up and walked to the bathroom. Unlike normal babies, his bathwater had to be extremely hot; it probably has something to do with the fire breath and steam tears. I sat him in the tub with a few rubber ducks and grabbed a cloth to begin washing his skin. I was never quite sure if his horns needed to be washed, but better safe than sorry. The real challenge was washing the skin behind his horns. I washed behind his horns, then shampood his mess of black hair. I rinsed his head, making sure no soap got into his violet eyes. Then it was time to shampoo his thick, black fox-like tail. The rest of him I could easily clean like any other baby. I used a soft cloth as I washed between the wrinkles in his thighs. I made sure behind his ears were thoroughly rinced, then it was time to get out of the tub. I dried him off and covered him in baby oil. I put him on his fire retardant jammies and layed him in his crib to sleep. It didn't take long for him to fall asleep. I got to the livingroom as quickly, and quietly as I could. Since my little monster was asleep I had made my futon, in the living area into my bed; and had made my old bedroom into a nursery. There wasn't much space in my one bedroom home, and it wasn't prepared for a fire breathing escape artist to stay in the living room. He was about six months old now, and I didn't want him climbing out of his crib, and setting the house on fire.

A week ago Sammy had burnt a kitchen stool to a crisp, I decided that I needed help. Where could I get help for demon babies. So all I could think of was a game I played as a child. You guessed it I bought ouija board from a toy store, hoping I could get some advise. I don't know what I was expecting, but the thirteen dollars I spent on the board game was worth it. I turned the lights off and lit some candles like they do in the movies. I felt like an idiot for trying this, but more so for not trying it sooner.

"Okay whatever demon or spirit hears me. I need some help raising my half demon baby. Can I get any pointers?"

As I held the triangle piece in the middle of the board and it began to move.

"A-R-N-T Y-O-U S-A-R-E-D?" the ouija board spelt.

"Didn't you hear me? My baby is half demon. Knowing that there are actually demons that come to Earth kind of ruined my level of being scared." I responded. "Anyways, he has a fox tail, a ram's horns, fangs, and breathes fire. He is only about six months, though I am not positive." I said.

"N.O. W.O.N.D.E.R. Y.O.U.R.E. N.O.T. S.C.A.R.E.D. I. A.M. D.A.V.E. Y.O.U.R. R.E.S.I.D.E.N.T G.H.O.S.T.

P.L.E.A.S.E. H.O.L.D. A.S. I. D.I.R.E.C.T. Y.O.U. T.O. H.E.L.L. A. R.E.P.R.E.S.N.A.T.I.V.E. W.I.L.L. B.E. W.I.T.H. Y.O.U. S.O.O.N." The spirit said.

I can't believe that I was put on hold on a ouija board! This has to be a first. The Board read "B.A. D.U.M. B.A. D.U.M. Until the hold was over.

"H.E.L.L.O. T.H.I.S. I.S. H.E.L.L. K.A.R.E.N. S.P.E.A K.I.N.G." The board read.

"Umm Hi Karen, this is Harriet White, and I am raising a half demon half human baby. I was informed that he was too human to stay in Hell. Umm is there anything I need to know about raising him?" I asked.

"D.O. Y.O.U. K.N.O.W. W.H.A.T. T.Y-P.E. O.F. D.E.M.O.N. H.E. I.S." Karen asked.

"I didn't even know there were multiple types of demons. He has a ram's horns, a fox's tail, he has fangs, purple eyes, and breathes fire." I told Karen.

"H.E. S.O.U.N.D.S. L.I.K.E. A. H.A.L.F. B.R.E.E.D. C.H.I.M.E.R.A. A.N.D. H.U.M.A.N. M.I.X." Karen spelt. I wasn't sure how I felt about her wording. She made him sound like a dog, but she was a representative of Hell.

"Aren't chimeras supposed to be part lion, part snake, part goat... and animals? He has fangs like I lion, and horns like a goat, but his tail is fox like, definitely not a snake head. They are also supposed to be female, and Samuel is a boy. I know there are a lot of creeps out there, but I don't think any human would have sex with that, or if it is even possible. I also think people would noticed if one of those were walking about." I questioned.

"S.I.L.L.Y. H.U.M.A.N.S. C.H.I.M.E.R.A.S. C.A.N. B.E. W.H.A.T. E.V.E.R T.H.E.Y. W.A.N.T. T.O. B.E. T.H.E.S.E. D.A.Y.S. E.V.E.N. H.U.M.A.N. F.O.R. A. F.E.W. H.O.U.R.S. S.O.U.N.D.S. L.I.K.E. H.I.S. M.O.T.H.E.R. W.A.S. P.A.R.T. D.R.A.G.O.N. P.A.R.T. G.O.A.T. P.A.R.T. F.O.X. S.I.N.C.E. H.E. I.S P.A.R.T. H.U.M.A.N. H.E. W.O.N.T. B.E. A.B.L.E. T.O. C.H.A.N.G.E H.I.S. F.O.R.M. H.E. M.A.Y. B.E. A.B.L.E. T.O. C.H.A.N.G.E. I.N.T.O. A H.U.M.A.N. F.O.R. A. F.E.W. H.O.U.R.S. B.E.C.A.U.S.E. H.E. I.S. H.A.L.F. H.U.M.A.N."

"Do you know anything I should be doing as I raise him? He blows fire everywhere when he throws a tantrum, and he has been using small statues and paper weights as toys, because he either melts or bites through regular toys. I am also unsure if I am washing his horns correctly. I am also concerned about his diet." I told her some of my conserns.

"I.N. H.E.L.L. W.E. H.A.V.E. M.A.N.Y. D.E.M.O.N. C.H.I.L.D. P.R.O.O.F. T.O.Y.S. W.E. W.I.L.L S.E.N.D. A. F.E.W. C.O.M.P.L.I.M.E.N.T.O.R.Y. T.O.Y.S. F.O.R. Y.O.U. E.V.E.R.Y. S.I.X. M.O.N.T.H.S. A.S. C.O.M.P.E.N.S.A.T.I.O.N. F.O.R. B.E.I.N.G . F.O.R.C.E.D. T.O. R.A.I.S.E. O.N.E. O.F. O.U.R. O.W.N. W.E. W.I.L.L. A.L.S.O. I.N.C.L.U.D.E. A S.Y.R.U.M. A.N.D. A. D.E.M.O.N.I.C. P.A.S.S.I.F.I.E.R. T.O. H.E.L.P. W.I.T.H. T.H.E. F.I.R.E.Y. T.A.N.T.R.U.M.S.

A. B.A.B.Y. C.H.I.M.E.R.A. W.I.T.H. T.W.O. C.A.R.N.I.V.E.R.O.U.S. P.A.R.T.S. R.E.Q.U.I.R.E.S. A. H.I.G H. P.R.O.T.I.E.N. D.I.E.T S.I.N.C.E. H.E. I.S. P.A.R.T. G.O.A.T. A.S. W.E.L.L. H.E. W.I.L.L. N.E.E.D. P.L.E.N.T.Y. O.F. V.E.G.E.T.A.B.L.E.S. A.N.D. G.R.A.I.N.S. T.O.O. S.O. A. H.I.G.H. P.R.O.T.E.I.N. H.U.M.A.N. D.I.E.T. W.I.L.L. B.E. F.I.N.E. P.O.L.I.S.H.I.N.G. H.I.S. H.O.R.N.S. W.I.T.H. H.U.M.A.N. B.A.B.Y. O.I.L. W.I.L.L. P.R.E.V.E.N.T. C.H.I.P.P.I.N.G. A.N.D. F.L.A.K.I.N.G. O.F. H.I.S. H.O.R.N.S. Y.O.U. M.A.Y. H.A.V.E. T.O. F.I.L.E. T.H.E.M. A. B.I.T. I.F. T.H.E.Y. G.E.T. T.O.O. S.H.A.R.P. O.R. S.E.E.M. T.H.A.T. T.H.E.Y. A.R.E. C.L.O.S.E. T.O. P.U.N.C.T.U.R.I.N.G. H.I.S. S.K.I.N.

I breathed a sigh of relief that I had all of this new information, and that I no longer had to make blood pudding. "If I have any more questions, can I contact you again?" I asked.

"Y.E.S." was all she responded then the triangle I was using to talk flew off the board. I guess that is how you hang up.

The ouiji board was a very slow way of communication, but it was effective. I also now know there is a spirit in my house. I turned to walk away and I tripped over a box of toys. A bottle that said anti-fire syrup, and a few pacifiers. I didn't know that Hell mail came so quickly. I left the box there, and I went to clean the kitchen that Sammy had thrown food all over.

Today was a good day. I smiled as I wiped the high chair. Sammy could now play with real toys what comes next?

Rule Number 1:

Make sure to own a ouiji board in case you need information. Ask for Karen in Hell, five stars.