1 Beginning and the end

It was a typical day for a college girl like me , walking in a silent hallway alone thinking about how day will end without doing any activities that will tire me even I know that will not happen in a first place. Being in college is difficult because it's not always about having high grades , merits , or intelligent. It's about how you determine to survive. Especially when you are alone , no friends backing you up or even cheering you up when you are down.

"Hey Keona it's already late what are you doing here? Doing unfinished task again? " The guard asked to me. I didn't notice the time. It's already late but I am here in the classroom alone. Doing my assignment.

" Yes , I don't want to do it at home. I want to finish my assignment here Uncle Bob . Sorry to interrupt you again " Said to him. He used to me, because I am always the one who come out late everytime.

"It's okay take your time little keo" he said then smiled.

"Thank you " seeing him smiling at me it's kinda refreshing. It's warming my heart.

A LIVELY noise hit me when I got home. I used to it. But , why I am always feeling this? It's like there is always a hole inside my heart. I'm not broken nor depressed but why I always feel this way. I immediately went to my room not minding the people who's arguing inside. Always feel this is not good for my health.

' So what is missing ? '

I decided to organize all my things to forget what I'm feeling. While arranging I see my old diary notebook on my high school days. Seeing it made me chuckle but at the same time sad. It has a lot of memories. I admit I am fond of writing , especially what I feel and my thoughts. So I decided to make my own diary notebook, everything happen to me I write it. But , I stopped writing when the time I lost those important to me because of wrong decision. Ever since I didn't dare to read it even once. Maybe it's the time now to read it , maybe it's the one that's missing. I open it and flip it on the first page. It made me smile.

Entry No. 1

It's my first day in school Mr. Journal and it's kinda suck , I'm freaking nervous right now . I don't know anybody to talk with. I am in the 7th grade and I want to cry everyone has own group and I don't have (insert cry emoji) . Thanks God ! Mr. Journal there is 3 cute girls approach me and made me their friends. They kind and refreshing to be with. They are loud but it made me happy I have my own friends know. Bye Mr. Journal , I have to go know. I don't want my teacher to confiscate you.

Entry No.2

Hey Mr. Journal I bet you are sulking right know. It's been 3 months since the last time I write with you, sorry for that. I've been busy this past few months, because of my responsibility in school and at home. Especially pressure. They are pressuring me Mr. Journal to be on top , to gain more merits , to study hard , to be on first always. I'm suffocating Mr. Journal , I thought it's okay because I have friends but it didn't last . My parents pursue me to study hard . I am studying hard Mr. Journal but everything is not always perfect and they want to be perfect all the time. I don't have time to hang with my new friends . Wattodo Mr. Journal? Should I tell my rants to my parents? What if they shout at me? I'm scared Mr. Journal. Give me wisdom to surpass this kind of trial.

Entry No. 3

Yahoo Mr. . Journal I'm happy right know HAHAHAHAHA guess what? I confronted my parents last night. I thought they would mad at me but it's opposite Mr. Journal . They are sorry because of it, my mother said she thinks that good for me and I understand her I believe in mother knows best supremacy but she says sorry because of it they didn't think what I feel , the pressure they are building within me gives me discomfort.

Entry No. 4

Hey Mr. Journal it's been a long time since the last time I write to you. You know what Mr. Journal it has a lot of happenings happen to my life since then. It's been 3 year's, I'm in 10th grade right know. I am laughing Mr. Journal so that's why I think I'm happy , but why I don't feel the same way Mr. Journal I didn't feel anything at all. I will tell you a secret Mr. Journal , my parents are always fighting because of financial I think and p they think I can't hear them arguing always inside there room. But, I clearly hear them word by word that I wish I didn't hear it from them. They want to divorce and guess what none of them want to be with me. Maybe I'm just a useless kid to them . They didn't say it but that's what they make me feel. I'm sad right now Mr. Journal , I fully understand now what I really feel. Thank you for always there for me ( insert heart emoji) .

Entry No. 5

I thought I'm gonna lose you too Mr. Journal. I'm thankful with the boy who give you back to me Mr. Journal I don't know he's name but he's kind and refreshing, he's tall for his age, he's a pointed nose, and has a very attractive mesmerizing almond eyes . WAIT!!!! WHAT THE HECK I AM WRITING? Don't get it wrong Mr. Journal I'm just describing the him. I admit that he's quite handsome. There is nothing wrong liking him isn't it ? He's kind and he give you back to me. That's all.

Entry No.6

Oh My God!!! Mr. Journal you will not gonna believe me, guess what? The boy who give-you-back to me is a campus crush. A while ago in the cafeteria , I don't know what to do he approach and every single eyes is on us. He talk to me like I am his long lost friend () I don't know how to react Mr. Journal. He even ask me if I'm okay or not , if I'm done eating of my lunch, he even ask if he can walk me to our house. SO WHAT SUPPOSED THAT MEAN ? Is he making fun of me Mr. . Journal. I'm not gonna let him do that to me Mr. Journal. I'm thankful because he give you back to me but making fun to me is different kind of story. I have to go now , I have class to attend . Bye bye

Entry No. 7

He's persistent every single day he is always following me. I didn't mind him because I have my own problem to solve Mr. Journal . But I can't help it, I'm annoyed knowing that someone is always following me. Everyone who see him will think that he's my stalker or my boyfriend. We are always the apple of the eye in the campus. Who will think the campus crush is always following a loner dork like me ? I can't even think why he is always following me. I don't want to think too much , I have a lot of assignments to do . gotta go Mr. Journal.

Entry No.8

I confronted Levin Mr. Journal, yes that's right Levin is his name. I asked him why he is always following me around, I also said it that it's creeping and annoyed me. At first, I didn't accept the offer of friendship from him. But a persistent and stubborn boy like him, he didn't give up until the time I'm tired to push him away. I don't know if his nature is to annoy me always, and I didn't notice that I am depending on him, that I am getting used to his presence at my side always. And day by day to be with him Mr. Journal I got to know him little by little one of it is knowing that he is a broken soul inside. He is always annoying me, but I always see in his eyes that he is sad Mr. Journal, I don't want to ask because I want him to willingly tell me what his problem. I wish Mr. Journal that one day he will tell me everything about him because I won't hesitate to listen to his story always.

Entry No. 9

I miss him Mr. Journal. It's been 3 weeks since the last time I saw him. Graduation is approaching I wish that time he will come back. I don't know what happen to him Mr. Journal I ask his friends but they answered me with a bunch of laugh Mr. Journal I'm curious about it , I don't know if they are worrying about Levin Mr. Journal because me I been worried since the last time I saw him. I don't understand those gestures and tears that I saw in his eyes , and those 3 words that been occupying to my mind . I had a bad feeling about it but I'm more worried of what happen to him.

" I'm sorry, Keona"

Entry No. 10

Thanks God Mr journal he's back. I'm glad because he's fine. But , Mr. Journal why is he avoiding me? I've tried so many times to talk to him but I'm afraid. Everytime we have an eye contact the eyes that used to be my comfort become cold as an ice. He changed .

Entry No. 11

He lied to me Mr. Journal he said that he is trying to impress his girlfriend by making fun of me. What kind of joke is that Mr. Journal? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA He also said that everything he told me is an act. Well good job to him Mr. Journal he did a very good job. I'm hurt, really really hurt Mr.Journal I didn't see it coming. It was 10th day of March year 2022 a cold night of Thursday. I'm not sure anymore about the things I've done, I'm completely useless and empty , disappointed about my grades , the divorce between my parents, and the betrayal and the lying of a person who I thought my only ally. Everything changed.

After reading those entries I kept for so many years. I am fully aware that even thou what he have done to me.I'm still I'm into him. Nothing's changed.

AFTER 10 YEARS

*kring *

*kring*

*kring*

*kring*

"What the hell are you calling at 1 in the morning Lizel? " I sleepy said to her.

" Well my friend I just want to remind you that my wedding is today don't you ever dare to come late or I will ignore you whole year "

" It's one in the morning Lizel. I won't come late so please don't use that voice to me . I know your just excited but please I'm sleepy I want to sleep at peace " I replied

" *Giggles* okay okay , have a good sleep our little keo"

It's been 2 year's since I meet her , I'm glad because she always there for me support and cheering me up even thou at first I didn't accept her that's why in her biggest day of her life no matter what happen I should be there to support her. I am here outside the church in her side as one of her bridesmaid. I'm nervous because this is my first time to be in this kind of position, the door slowly open and the other bridesmaid are slowly walking so am I , smiling . I don't know but every single step it peirce my heart, I continue to walk until I see my chair and it turns my world upside down when I see the face of her groom. Yes, it's Levin. I see in his eyes that he's shock too but it didn't last it long when he see Lizel. Walking gracefully towards him. I want to cry . God really want to give me difficult tasks isn't it. I just want to happy but why it's hard. Every single word they uttering , promising to each other. It tears me apart. I don't know that he's the groom. If I know I wouldn't come. It hurts . I'm not mad to Lizel because I know she's not the girl he's talking about in the past. But I'm deeply hurt.

At the reception..

I don't know where my strengths came from to pretend I'm okay , smiling, laughing at there jokes. And even the strength to look into his eyes and congratulate them. I know it's not his fault that I've been falling inlove with him. It's my fault.

" Congratulations best friend be happy okay and you Levin take care of my best friend , she's my only best friend and I cherish her very much so don't ever to hurt her nor cheat okay? " I said it smiling . I'm hurt , please God give me more strength.

" Ahhh my little keo is so sweet" Lizel said with a tears

" Of course I would never ever do that to her, I love Lizel I would not marry her and vow if I'll do that. Also, I would take care of her more than myself" Levin confidently said without a blink.

Very well said. I think I'm gonna die now. It's really hurt.

" Hah very well said ahm – I should go to the bathroom, excuse me " I don't want them to see my tears, I don't want to cry in front of them with my heavy hearts.

" I didn't see it coming Keon" he said ,

" Ahm "

" I'm really sorry for what I have done in the past I – I didn't mean it. I'm sorry , I really am "

" The damage is done you know what Levin , you come into my life with an unexpected twist . Should I thank you for what you have done? You bring experiences to me, those difficult one" , we are in a hallway I don't want to see us here and think differently.

" I love you Levin –

The thought of you lying to me is a nightmare. I thought I'm your home but the truth is I'm just a piece of paper that you can tear as apart everytime you want. I'm just your temporary destination and not your home. Making fun of me is part of breaking me Levin. Congratulations!! You did a good job breaking my heart , Levin" I want to tell him everything. I want to move forward. I want to move on .

" Don't mind of the things that I'm saying right now, love her and don't ever hurt her. Seeing you looking at her, I know she's your universe now . Congratulations Levin. Be happy . Goodbye "

This is the last time that I will shed tears for you my love. This is the last heartbreak that I will let to feel. Because from now I will be more tougher, stronger , and wise. The last feeling that I want to feel is to be loved, by someone that will love and cherish me more than everything.

"Lo siento mi pequeño keon "

( I'm sorry my little Keon )

END.