1 Your not the only one

They say too much pain can make you go numb, at this time I don't know if they mean physically or mentally.

Well it doesn't matter because they are wrong. I feel joy from pain in a way that is associated with 'psychopath'. That's just a word they put on those people to make them feel less scared.

Psychopaths are said to have no emotions.

So then I don't fit into that group. It would make it easier if I did, I wouldn't have to try and figure it out on my own.

Adrenaline junkie? Maybe?. Whatever it is I don't care I have a goal and thats to be happy. The world could end and I wouldn't care at all.

But for now just getting through the day without being bullied would be nice for a change.

I am 17 and in grade 12, I'm ready to leave this stupid school.

It wasn't any normal school though. It was a school for troubled youth as my mum called it.

She is one of the teachers there so she insisted that I be there for her to watch over me in case I get into any trouble.

She, herself use to cause trouble and in her twisted mind she thought I could use the bullying to toughen me up.

I guess it worked but I was never really delicate in the first place. I had my rules.

Don't make friends.

Don't draw attention to yourself.

And don't set sam' s hair on fire.

I've had the impulse to ever since he started smoking in the halls. I caught myself staring at the lighter in his hand multiple times.

I stopped myself, that would draw attention.

Which is one of my rules.

Today was an ordinary day, i wake up get dressed into my black ripped jeans and put fishnets under them.

I would then have a white shirt with a picture of halsey only one of my favorite singers, I then would put on my lovely little black plain choker, throw on my high rise converse with some black socks.

I would also throw my pitch black hair with red tips into a high ponytail that would still reach to the middle of my back.

I put my phone into my pockets and went to the bathroom. After I brushed my teeth, I then go and wake my mum up for school.

I shook her enough to the point where she woke up and game me a thumbs up. Which for us was a sign of thanks.

I didn't have a dad, he didnt die in an accident but instead he is now in jail. He may or may not have been just as crazy as me.

The difference being he gave into his cravings and I learnt from his mistake.

My impulses are dangerous and people get hurt. But I don't feel empathy until after I've done it as Ive learnt growing up.

After I took out my lunch and threw it into my bag I shouted.

"COME ON, WE HAVE 5 MINUTES UNTIL WE NEED TO LEAVE"

My mum ran down the stairs holding multiple bags full of paperwork. Its only week 3 of the first term and she already looks worn out. I can say she definitely keeps herself busy with work, or she just never gets anything done.

I should put those papers into a shredder, that would be fun. NO. Ah impulse again.

I grabbed the door and held it open for my mum to go through.

After she got into the car I locked up the house and sat in the passanger seat and played with the radio until I found something decent to play.

Hopefully I won't die on the way to school today.

5 minutes later there we were. I stood at the school gate and took a deep breath. My mum was still getting all her papers together.

Don't make friends and don't draw attention. With that in my mind I stepped forward only to be held back by an arm.

I looked down, then turned my face, when I did I came face to face with a strange guy, he seemed out of it.

I did not like being pulled so I raised my hand up and pushed down to make him let go.

He just stood there dumbfounded by my actions. I walked forward and I heard a scoff.

Well maybe I could just cut him a little then maybe... NO impulse again.

Walk forward and don't look back I told myself. Attention is bad for me so it's better to just keep to myself.

I take out my phone to look at the time. I had 20 minutes until the bell goes so my options are:

Walk to class early and draw.

Sit in the music room

Set sam s hair on fire.... NO

I'm at a constant war with my own brain.

I decided that I should go and sit in the music room. No one sat in there so I could practice singing. I liked it, my mind would leave me and I would focus on the words of the song.

I walked in to find a couple making out next to the microphone. I could just tell them to leave or I could stick the bloody microphone in a place where the sun don't shine. Wow my thoughts are getting worse than I thought.

"GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE" I yelled and they obvious didn't see me come in so they got a bit of a jump scare.

The ran off still at each others throats which made me cringe a little. I have to admit though that was impressive how they manages to stay together while running away. Now back to what I came here to do.

To express myself through the form of music and act like the angsty teenager that some people think I am.

I really am not I just try to be happiest I can be.