11 May 5, 2019

Hello, tonight I'll start to write like im speaking to you. To myself, an audience, my journal or diary.

Today i went out with some friends and I thought it was good, I had a lot of fun with them but at moments I felt like I was being left out purposely, or that my words had become so repetitive and annoying to the point they would ignore me. I don't trust my friends to love me the way they used to l, now that they know how awful I am, and I'd understand if they would stop hanging around me less or even ghost me. Im afraid they're going to slowly abandon me but at the same time I can see why. I would hold no grudge against them, only the pain in my heart from a lost friendship. I see myself slipping into patterns of isolation when this happens, I'll run away first because I don't want them to do the same to me first. Its such a common feeling to have, why cant I just overcome them? Its simple. you fear abandonment so you leave before they can abandon you. But I know these people, they aren't people like that. Yet, because they dont seem to really care about me as much as I thought, Im starting to feel like a person of convenience for them. I see in their actions a slow dissatisfaction with me, and attempts to linger away. Im starting to doubt our relationships together. Friends are difficult, friends are one of the only ways Im still hanging on, because I am a very weak person. I need people, people who Im close to, who I care about as much as they care for me. Maybe I'm just too worried about nothing but I feel like my one sided loyalty will get me hurt. I grew much more distrustful after my last relationship. Romance is clouded in so many negatives for me. I refuse to take even a peek into that realm again, not until more important aspects of my life are dealt with first. I know thats just another huge package to unload. I am so unsatisfied with the current me. My constant search for validation, my incessant narcissistic ramblings, my complete lack of emotional control, my less that average brain, and my dependency on those around me. Sometimes, I catch myself wondering if maybe I just need to surround myself with new people, maybe its not me and maybe its honestly them.

"But how dare you say that about your friends?! You should know better than anyone else how good of people they are even if there are some downsides!" I'll convince myself.

I slipped up once and now I can't get back up again. I completely loathe the me in the present and I definitely want to change but find myself struggling in so many aspects. I hate myself so much right now. I don't forgive myself for these things Ive noticed myself doing. I won't let go of my bad behavior, I refuse to let it slide so I must punish myself in whatever self destructive ways for it.