15 10/5/2020

I feel alienated from everything around me. Not just simple and plain dissociation, although that is true too. I feel like everything I do does not have a reason to exist or is futile. I find myself unable to hold anything as my own. My dreams, the things I make, and the future I strive to create for myself are all just feeble attempts to distract from the fact. Everything I do is separated from myself with the middle man being the world I live in and the systems that hold every person back from achieving self actualization. I constantly find myself in the back and forth struggle between doing things for my own personal joy and for the profit in some way or another. When I say profit, I do not just mean monetarily, I also mean for some type of glory or some type of way that it could be attributed to anything other than for the pure purpose to just create out of joy. Any other reason that would taint my feelings on creating something.

On days like this, the melancholy of being alive seems to engulf me. I find it hard to find any outlet to free myself from this feeling. I know there are slivers of humanity in the world we live, when we strive against the status quo. When we struggle against injustice collectively. Even fleeting moments of peace I have with the people I love in a place isolated from these contradictions. I feel myself feeling more in tune with who we were meant to be when these instances occur, but they are far too little. and far too short. I'm growing tired and helpless as days go by, my desire to fight dwindles, I find it hard to live my life trapped here.