10 Chapter 1 Review: Unrivaled

P1:

- Daniel uses both hands to click on buttons and links on a computer it seems. Otherwise, I don't see why both hands would stop. Unless, one hand was on the mouse, and the other hand was doing something ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).

- Again this run-on sentence business is no-good. Just having a lot of commas will not help make it any better. It looks messier.

- Elfs. Don't you mean Elves? Unless that's how you intend to spell it. If it's for the purpose of your novel, I won't judge... however, normally the plural form of Elf is Elves.

-- I get the feeling that this author may use words like Shelfs and Leafs in future writing.

- Demons and Elves fighting what? A common and greater enemy? The players?

- the man with a great sword.

-- A sword that is great or a greatsword? You do know those are two different weapons, right?

- killing off the ferocious wolf.

-- Note: this is a youtube ad of a video game. The Creators of the game made a video ad for the game that has all this stuff in it, and it is achieving its goal of grabbing the protagonist's attention.

-- But also note that in the synopsis, the protagonist decides to do things differently. So why not do things differently for all other games? Or has the protagonist already gone through with the other games by playing in his own way and have gotten bored with them?

- A Holy Church.

-- Blasphemy. Holy churches don't fight for world supremacy. Only Corrupt churches do. Video marketing probably went like this: <change scene to a beautiful cathedral and have text floating over it that says Holy Church> and then followed by a narrator, "A Holy Church fighting for world supremacy!"... Still, if the video advertisement could portray all of that, I'd be impressed too.

P2:

- Daniel feels a sense of belonging after watching a youtube advertisement for a video game.

-- Don't we all? That's what got me hooked to playing Minecraft and 7 Days to Die and Rust...

- The third sentence in this paragraph is describing Daniel to be completely average. While it does mention that he used to have a higher than average IQ since it is written in past tense and the author did initially write that "Everything" about Daniel "IS" average. So we know that despite what the synopsis says about him being a "smart man," Daniel isn't smart anymore and his intelligence is average at the present time. I suspect it's due to his brain being overworked and crammed since his childhood. Especially since he was made to attend cram school against his own will. Which could eventually break down his ability to think for himself, and thus, disable him mentally.

P3:

- Daniel obviously doesn't enjoy his life; he probably was forced to go to college, under his parents' money, no doubt; it's common for people to crave excitement; nothing new here; Daniel is just another ordinary and average guy who wants a little more excitement in his life just like many other average people in the world; note that this paragraph is just one super long run-on sentence; so I wrote my commentary into one super long run-on sentence so that the author can try to read this sentence in one breath; we already know that Daniel isn't smart and is pretty average in intelligence and we can see evidence of this when we read that he faces the dilemma that his mid-terms happen to be on the same day as the game's official server launch; unless Daniel has all his mid-term exams on the same day, he should be able to login to the server after he writes his mid-term exam for that day; also we don't know what day it is when he sees the game advertisement, but we know that the mid-terms begin on a Monday; we don't know yet if this Monday is the next one or the one after that.

P4:

- This paragraph only has one complete sentence followed by an incomplete sentence (by that I mean, there is no ending punctuation.

- Two days later doesn't mean that it's Monday. It could be Tuesday for all we know. But if it is Monday, then we know that two days ago it was Saturday.

- Did he spend his next semester's fund? All of it? Including money for his food, rent, and other expenses that should also be part of his next semester's fund? How is he going to survive from now on?

- We don't know if his semester fund comes from a government student loan or from his family or from his own life savings, but the first two are most likely since he didn't have time to work a job to save money before coming to college.

P5/6:

- Did he white out? What's the flash for?

Overall this super short chapter had 6 paragraphs which contained 6 complete sentences of which contained 3 run-on sentences.