2 Chapter 1 Review: An Unremarkable Spark

P1:

- Starting the story with a monologue.

- Usage of offensive language; the first word, can be religiously offensive. Not that it really matters, those who would be offended can just avoid reading this story.

-- Reminder: Audience rating is set to, "Parents Strongly Cautioned"

--- Audience rating is appropriate.

P2:

- The flow from P1 to this paragraph is a bit rigid to my tastes.

- Personally, the second sentence isn't really needed.

- The subject is, "attempting to complete one of the raids," which is followed by, "found little success in this endeavour."

-- Though there isn't anything really to fix, I personally would have merged the two sentences into:

--- "At the present time I had been attempting, with little success, to complete a raid with a pickup group in a MMO."

-- Again, this is just my way of writing, no need to think too much into it.

- I felt that introducing the MMO as "new" wasn't bad... but it's referred to as "new" again four paragraphs later. Unless this detail is really important, I didn't feel that it needed to be described as new here. I'll explain more when I get to P6.

P3:

- Why would "this seem like a bad place to start"?

-- Start what?

--- The story?

---- I would assume it's his story. Most of it is in the past tense as if he's retelling what happened, well mostly all first-person narratives are in past tense...

- But if it IS a bad place to start.... he's right. He's starting the story with an out-of-context monologue and then explaining when he's saying that right after.

- If he knew that, then he wouldn't have started this story of his in that way. Ultimately there's a reason why the protagonist started his story with that odd exposition.

P4:

- Introduces his name. Sounds a bit Japanese. But I won't assume it is since it could be very culturally appropriating.

- Average 19 year old.

-- Average University student who is 19 years old. (?)

--- Average 19-year-old university student who is also an otaku. (?)(!?)

-- although I have, "sadly," been moving into the more "casual" side of things.

--- What's the difference between "average" and "casual"?

---- otaku? means nerd in Japan. Or someone who knows a lot about a certain subject and/or has obsessive nature towards that subject.

----- by Western definition, it just means someone who is obsessed with either anime, manga, gaming, cosplay, merchandise collection, or a combination of any/all of those.

- "don" black hair that's more on the "medium" side.

-- What I got from this is: don means to "put on (an item of clothing)" so he wears black hair.

-- Black hair that is medium black.

-- "medium side" doesn't necessarily mean length, it could refer to the colour or the hairstyle.

--- I say this since it isn't mentioned anywhere that the black hair is "straight," or "curly."

- Eyes are green and the face is relatively unremarkable.

-- It's quite common for a Caucasian to have black hair and green eyes and an unremarkable face. Unremarkable meaning Ordinary/Plain...

-- Though it is quite unique for a Caucasian with black hair and green eyes to have a very Japanese-sounding first and last name. So I can't see how that is considered "average"

-- Unless the protagonist is Asian, then having green eyes is considered to be rare. Very rare. Can't be considered "average." And in Asia, even if one has a boring face, green eyes alone can make you extraordinary.

-- Conclusion, the protagonist lives in a parallel universe where his features are considered to be boring and unattractive. Having a name like that with these features is also considered very normal.

- Does it matter what clothes he was wearing while he was playing the MMO?

- And also, does it matter that he managed to buy his somewhat expensive shoes for an insanely low price? Unless his clothes come into play later on, I feel like this amount of detail is hardly needed. It's as if the author threw in this detail just for the sake of adding extra detail.

-- The clothes detail is probably there to give readers the idea of his sense of fashion. Red T-Shirt and Blue Jeans with Black Shoes. This is above average fashion sense in our world. The colour matching is above the average person's fashion sense. Shoes are technically a type of accessory, and if it's black, it can go well with most other clothing colours. Blue jeans can go well with most colours. While orange would be the best colour to go with blue, the colours that make orange: yellow and red, can go really well with blue as well.

--- I may have gone into too much explanation over fashion match-ups, but this is a detail the author put in for the character's introduction, so I felt the need to go into this much detail over the author's detail.

--- Red and Blue may sound like the typical match-up seen in many shows and pop culture, but it's a good match-up. This match-up is designed to make even average looking people look good.

- Or, the protagonist isn't a social person and rarely ever goes out aside from going to class, so he just picked out the recommended set of clothes from a clothing store/boutique and went with it. Heaven knows how much he spent on those clothes, but seeing how he got some good shoes for an insanely low price, he may be frugal with his spending on clothes and possibly bought them on sale with discount coupons at a thrift store.

-- Remember, he IS an otaku after all. Stereotypical otakus don't spend much money on things they have no interest in fashion, cars, good food, etc.

-- Though if we're talking about stereotypes, most otakus are anti-social or socially awkward, or a mix of both. Meaning they'd prefer to wear anything that is comfortable at home, and clothes to hide themselves in when they go outside. Also, the typical otaku would also likely have eighth-grade syndrome. But I digress.

- Assuming he's playing the MMO at home, this protagonist is comfortable in jeans instead of lounge pants or track pants or pyjamas. And he wears black shoes indoors.

-- Wait, maybe he's not playing the MMO at home. But, we can dismiss that idea. [See P8 for reasons why he's most likely at home]

P5:

- overall, he's a normal and probably boring guy.

-- well the definition of unremarkable is "not exciting"...

-- and if he believes his face looks boring, then he probably is boring.

-- a famous author once said that authors project a bit of themselves into some of the characters they write... and it's usually one of the main characters.

--- I'm not suggesting that the author thinks of themselves to be normal and boring in any way.

- he lives a painfully average

-- "painfully" o.O "average" o.O o.O o.o =_=

-- what is "painfully" average?

--- Protagonist admits that being average is so bad that it's hurting him. Thus, Painfully Average. This could be a new meme.

- painfully average and "easy" life.

-- his life is "painfully average" but is also "easy".

-- also get this, he "can't" complain about it.

--- It's not a matter of his will anymore since he doesn't have the choice to complain about his life.

--- Even if he wanted to complain, he either doesn't know how to or isn't given the choice to do so.

--- This must be why he chose to describe his life as being "painful."

--- or the author made a mistake and meant to write something else.

-- Think about it, the protagonist lives a life that is "painfully average", but he doesn't complain about it. Why would the protagonist be satisfied with living a PAINFULLY average life just because it's easy? Why even bother describing his life to be PAINFULLY average if he's not going to mention that he would complain about it?

--- The original sentence is, "I live a painfully average and easy life, and although I can't complain, my parents often don't appreciate my ... lack of ambition."

--- Let's change it around a bit. Since he already mentioned that, "overall, I'm just a NORMAL and probably BORING guy." We can take out the part where he says his life is "PAINFULLY average." With this change, the paragraph could be rewritten as, "Overall, I'm just a normal and probably boring guy with a painfully average life. Despite all this, I live an easy life that I can't complain about, however, my parents OFTEN don't appreciate my...

---- wait, hold up. OFTEN? So it's not ALWAYS. So there are times when his parents are okay with how he lives, but most of the time they aren't okay with it. That is really odd. It's like his parents have a bit of a soft spot for their son and although they have their expectations of him, they do let up once in a while. Which would mean that his parents are not trying to be controlling and they are not super strict either? It doesn't make sense especially with the next line: This has resulted in SEVERAL "clashes of vision" between us. The consistency isn't smooth. And I know what you're probably thinking, it's not a major plot device and may not even hold much importance for the whole novel, but it still is written and published and for detail-oriented-nerds like me, this is pretty big.

--- Okay assuming the parents are always on his case, I would continue writing my suggested paragraph from before as such, "Despite all this, I lived an easy life that I couldn't complain about, however, my parents didn't appreciate my lack of ambition which sparked several clashes of vision between us." I changed "live" to "lived" to make it more past tense to be more consistent with the rest of the story. It's not like the protagonist is going to continue to live an easy life for the rest of the story. And I'm not just saying this because I read the synopsis and already know what life he's going to lead. Okay, maybe I am. Moving on.

P6:

- A new MMO came out.

-- As I mentioned briefly for the second paragraph of this chapter, it's more appropriate to let the readers know that this MMO was just released and is the reason for the protagonist to be playing it at the current time.

- A new MMO came out and I was dying to play out.

-- play out.

--- play it?

- I was reading up on guides and preview trailers just waiting for the game to launch.

-- Must be a big game with alpha and beta testing if there are guides published before the game is officially launched. Unless we're talking about newbie/introductory guides, which are always published before most MMO games are out. For all I know, this could be an FPS or an RTS. It doesn't exactly mention what type of game it is. For all, we know it wasn't even a game until the author mentioned it was a game. While generally, most readers who play video games would associate MMO with MMORPG, that's not the case for those who don't play RPGs at all. Those of us who only play MMOs like CSGO, PUBG, Fortnite, etc, would think of MMO as referring to one of many types of games out there. MMO, after all, stands for Massive Multiplayer Online.

- Waiting for the game to launch.

-- When... was this?

- However, this was certainly not what I expected when trying to raid with high-level players.

-- So, either the protagonist bought the game late, or the beta-players have a significant advantage in this "new" game. Or he sucks at levelling up and is falling behind even though he started at roughly the same time as everyone else. Or he's just unlucky and didn't get any rare newbie-package gacha items like 10x Exp Boost Potions.

- Also, why is this paragraph written as if there are two different timelines forced together? Make it into two separate paragraphs and maybe add an extra sentence or two for some added detail about the game?!

P7:

- Nothing big to note aside from missing punctuation to end the sentence; namely the "." after the word screamed. (At the time of this writing, February 10, 2019, 5:24 AM JST)

P8:

- forty-fifth wipe.

-- This protagonist is either really stubborn, has high levels of patience/perseverance/tolerance for losing, or was falling so behind in the game that he was at desperate measures to complete a raid with higher level players and made 45 attempts in vain.

- my desk was on the verge of total collapse and I had ushered in my parent's wrath.

-- A lot of things to note here. His desk is introduced which would indicate he is in either his study, his bedroom, or somewhere in his home. The protagonist has some anger issues and can get violent which is evident, at the expense of his poor desk. "Parent's" Which parent? Unless this is a typo and is supposed to be, "Parents'." Also, he most likely lives with his parents.

- not my lucky day.

-- I don't think luck has anything do with it, but it's an expression so I won't say much about it.

P9:

- He wears a red t-shirt, blue jeans, and off-brand black shoes indoors, inside his room. I know for sure now that if this was based on our modern world, he lives in a culture where people normally wear outdoor shoes... indoors. Or he lives in a house where the floors are either dirty or super cold.

-- since he wears a t-shirt, it means the temperature of the house is comfortably warm.

-- or the reason why he is wearing these clothes is a sign that he dressed up to go out after playing a game.

- "and decided to try to pass the time elsewhere."

-- nope he didn't wear those clothes because he had already planned to go out, he was just wearing them since it's his comfortable indoor clothes, it seems. Or he didn't have anything else to wear at the moment. But considering he got out of his sleeping clothes and changed into a red t-shirt and blue jeans as well as putting on his black shoes with or without socks on.... he's not a lazy university student. Well, average doesn't mean lazy after all :D.

- had money to spare and decided to go to a net cafe.

-- We have an idiot here. Why not negotiate with his parents to let him stay at home and use his computer and say that it's better than wasting money elsewhere? I mean, sure, his parents don't know what he spends his money on or where he goes when goes out, but.... only foolish people leave the comfort of their homes to spend money to do things they could have done at home for free. But considering the protagonist's age, it seems pretty normal. I mean, I did something like this when I was around that age years ago like going to a cafe to use their wifi and order a drink just so I don't get kicked out for loitering...

- "I couldn't get behind in the game as that would jeopardize the rankings that I've been putting so much effort into getting so this is the best strategy."

-- PFFT! Hilarious. I thought you were already behind in the game if you had to raid with a pickup group of high-level players. Assuming that when he meant "high level" he meant he was also one of them, then he's not behind.... but I initially assumed that when he mentioned that he was trying to raid with high-level players, it was suggesting that the players he was playing with were of higher level than him.

-- Then again, higher levels don't mean better rankings. I remember I had reached max level on an MMO, and there were hundreds of pay to win players who only reached half the max level who were higher ranked than me.

- Also, in my country, we spell jeopardize with a z. Sorry for the intrusion.

P10:

- incompetent casuals... can't control their aggro?

- since when does a casual gamer rage? Since when does anyone playing a game casually for the fun of it, get angry or pissed?

- this is offensive towards us casual gamers.

- either change it to incompetent pay-to-win gamers, or noobs. Though the former would make more sense considering they are paying to use a computer at a cafe, they should have money to spend on in-game purchases.

P11:

- After some time [I] managed to make my way into the cafe and g[o]t logged on to a PC.

-- Watch for the use of past and present tense in the same sentence. If you use the word managed, which is a past tense word, and then connect it with "get logged onto" which is present tense, it will throw off readers on a whole new level. It's like trying to say, "Earlier today, I managed to get inside and I enter a portal."

- The cafe was surprisingly empty.

-- A net cafe is still a cafe, if their food/drinks are not selling well, they might as well just be a net rental hall.

-- Most net cafes in most countries that have them will server the basic drinks like coffee, tea, juice, and water. But this is a trivial point that doesn't matter.

- I'm more concerned about the fact that the protagonist struggled to find and get inside the cafe, and logs into a computer and then finally noticed that the cafe is empty. He needs to have more self-awareness of his surroundings.

- a shining light in such a dark and trying time.

-- here it's difficult to interpret whether the "dark" refers to the opposite of light, or if it refers to unpleasantness. But seeing the "trying," I would figure it's the latter. The shining light is, therefore, a play on words. This literary device is known as a pun, and the pun is not intended.

- Also is the cafe dark? Well if it is empty, then it is understandable that the cafe manager dimmed or turned off most of the lights. But it doesn't seem as if the protagonist is describing a physical phenomenon but rather an abstract idea.

P12/13/14:

- I wonder if an auxiliary chapter will be made for all the extra detail that would be too boring in the actual story chapters.

- The more I read this description of the Master of Defence... I get the shield hero vibe.

-- Well, if it really was based on the shield hero, I would eventually recommend this story to be put in the fan-fiction category. Fan-fiction doesn't mean any originality. Authors in the USA have published physical novels that were fan-fiction off of stories that already exist, or even video games too like Minecraft and World of Warcraft. No shame in writing fan-fiction when there are people who will pay for good fan-fiction. Not saying that this is fan-fiction in any way yet. I will have to read more.

- And don't let the aggressive haters get to you over this sort of thing. It's like having to deal with people who think SAO is the beginning of all video-game/isekai stories when in reality, the first most popular literary form of isekai was written in England back in the early to mid-1950s. Video-game type of stories has been in existence since the 70s. So if there are review-terrorists out there trying to claim that your story is a copy of another story, don't let it get to you. You do your own thing, keep on writing and prove to the world that your story is different.

- The Master of Defence is the wall in which evil shatters. Meaning it has the ability to entrap evil and shatter it. Why else would evil manifest inside the wall known as Master of Defence? or another meaning for this is that the Master of Defence's life purpose is to find the evil and disable it.

P15:

- Because I'm a relatively calm and collected person, seeing controlled characters react to controlled situations within an author's mind doesn't make it entertaining for me.

P16:

- cue "Aaah I can't see my own body!! It's all bright white!"

- Now the question is, was it after he read the message or after he said, "Summon complete...what is this?" that everything turned bright white.

- Or he read "Summon complete..." and then it turned bright white everywhere and he says, "what is this?" yeah, I think this makes more sense.

P17:

- How does he know he is being transported into another world? 8th-grade syndrome much?

- We know from this paragraph that the protagonist lives in a fictional world that is possibly modelled after our real world. No otaku or sane human being would think they would be going to a new world in such a situation. Do people think, "I'm off to a new world, Isekai, here I come!" when they are about to be hit by a truck?

- Out of the blue, this is the most laughable part of this whole chapter.

- Is the protagonist still wearing the same red t-shirt, blue jeans, and expensive blacks shoes when all this happens?

- If it were me, I would think all the white is from me fainting. Usually long hours of playing games without proper food, water, and rest... would be a good cause of hallucination, delusion, and blacking out. In some cases, people white-out instead of a black-out. Everything turns white instead of black.

- If anyone read the webtoon: The Gamer (most well known by fans as "The Gay-mer"), the protagonist there have this thing called The Gamer's Mind which keeps him calm and sane even in the most pressing situations.

-- I think our protagonist here must have received something like this temporarily or was born with it. But judging by the synopsis, he loses this ability.

- The protagonist is optimistic, he's looking ahead and anticipates starting an adventure in another world. And then everything crashes down and he loses it all. End of story.

P18:

- This final sentence is inconsistent with the rest of the story's flow mainly because it's in the present tense. While the majority of the chapter was in the past tense as if it was a retelling of the story, and then suddenly the story shifts itself into the present time.

- This is normal. A lot of authors start off prologues in this way, and this chapter is befitting that of a prologue chapter.

Overall, I'm looking forward to reading this story. I didn't write as much as I thought I would. That's a good thing. Normally I'd be writing more than this per chapter and that's only because the majority of stories I read are written by those who are not comfortable in writing in English.