37 Sink or swim

So there I was... sinking to the very bottom of an aquarium tank. You probably wondering how I got here? You can thank Azrael for that.

Let's go back to what happened before this, shall we?

Rewind

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What on earth was Death plotting? I thought to myself. An unsure feeling washing over me. It's hard to know what to expect from him. He did things so out of the blue. Not thinking too, I assume but death is something unpredictable after all. I thought to myself.

"You've bearly touched your dessert." Azrael said looking towards me as I broke out of my daze."You know, it wouldn't hurt to share?" Azrael said sounding subtly irritated as he broke the silence. "I only ordered dessert for you."

"I just took a bite of it a few minutes ago." I said furrowing my eyebrows in confusion. "Well..." I paused looking down somewhat dazed, "I thought you ate already?"

"Oh? Yes you did." He said scratching his head. "I was just trying to keep the conversation going." He laughed a bit to himself. Nice save.

"Somehow this conversation feels forced."

"So are you going to share with me?" Azrael asked looking at the two brownies in my plate.

No... you brought this on yourself. You should have ordered two then. I thought to myself as I remained silent.

"You know, you're not in the clear yet..." Azrael said looking away slightly, "I can still read your mind and..." he stopped thinking to himself for a bit, "wait, you not going to share?"

"Oh?" I said not really surprised and wiping my mouth with a napkin. "So I'm guessing you heard that then?" I said sarcastically pointing out the obvious based on his previous answer.

"Yes, I did. We've been through this already..." he stretched out his words sounding annoyed and then face palmed, dragging his hand down his face afterwards, "and I can't believe you won't share with me." He raised his head and chuckled a little. "This conversation is forced, you say?" He smiled towards me as he questioned my previous thought. Don't worry it wasn't a creepy smile, if anything it was more warm than creepy. Somehow, he wasn't that bad. I don't like him romantically though but so far he seemed like a pretty decent guy in my opinion.

"Kind of?" I said making it sound like a question and pointing my two index fingers towards each other so that they touched.

"How is this forced?" He questioned as I took another bite of the brownie that was slightly going over the edge of my spoon.

"Ahem!" I momentarily fake coughed and looked at Azrael as if it wasn't obvious enough. "Well, uh? Let me see..." I said looking up and pretending I was thinking. "for starters you paralyzed me, kidnapped me, brought me to an "unknown" location uh? would you like me to continue?" I asked Azrael rhetorically as I looked towards him. Sarcasm laced in my tone. Somehow I wasn't angry with him, just mildly irritated. "So yeah, this was pretty much forced if you ask me."

It's true...

He kidnapped me against my will.

Wait, said the sarcastic voice in my head, do people have to ask you permission to kidnap you? Isn't the whole point of kidnapping to take someone against their will?

"I know..." he sighed cutting in my thoughts, "I'm sorry about that but I promise I'll make it up to you. I just need more time." He stretched out his arm making it rest on the table, his hand landing on my free hand.

"You need more time?" I questioned, my eyebrows furrowing. "You need more time for what?"

Azrael looked into my eyes. There was a regretful expression on his face. He looked as if he was about to say something but paused instead. He was still holding my hand and it seemed as though he was stopping himself from continuing. After a long pause? moment of thinking? he spoke.

"It's a long story." He said softly sounding somewhat sad. He sounded as if he didn't want to talk about it. Well, at least not yet anyway.

"A long story?" I questioned as my words faded away slowly, getting softer and softer to the point that it was just a mere whisper.

Azrael remained silent for a bit and looked down. I suppose he was stuck in his thoughts. It was strange to see him like this but then again what do I know. I would eventually get him to spill the beans at some point in the future but I figured I wouldn't press on the subject any longer. "Do you always space off like that?" I said as looked towards him. It was almost as if he was daydreaming.

He looked up slowly and then smiled. "Sometimes..." he said, "but you one to talk, you space off just as much as I do." He laughed a bit. "Why do you think so much Alice?" Azrael questioned me now.

"I don't know?" I said questioning myself. "I just do." I shrugged my shoulders. "Are you in my head again?" I now questioned looking at him suspiciously.

I know what you're up to... I thought.

"No," he said, "believe it or not I'm not in your head," he paused, "well, at least not yet." He said smirking in a jokey manner.

"Yet?" I repeated giving him a questioning look. "What an invasion of personal space. I mean, being in my space physically is one thing but actually reading my mind? How can I think freely knowing you're listening?" I was a bit angry but at the same time I wasn't really being serious. The whole thing just felt so petty.

"Well, I'm not stopping you from thinking." Azrael said waving his hands in the air. He was probably trying to stop the conversation from going south. "I'm not the dictator of your thoughts, the only person in control here, is you. I just listen now and then but as I said before I do respect your privacy and I'm sorry." He said sighing and then paused giving me a sincere look. He looked somewhat sad.

I slowly looked up at him, raising my head, my eyes going wide. "You're sorry?" I questioned him in whisper, my voice hardly audible. He said he was sorry? I'm confused?

"Yes." He said. Suddenly after he looked at me, his eyes changed from the sad emotion they once held and his lips raising at the edges so that low and behold... his signature smirk came into view. No surprise there. Smirking. Although, I do admit that I didn't expect him to smirk at this given moment. "I'm sorry that you can't stop thinking about me." He smirked deviously. What?!

The nerve.

The audacity.

I swear to god.

You shouldn't swear. I heard my conscience. At least not to god.

Figure of speech.

It's official... I'm going to kill him.

Not literally of course.

But I'm going to get him back. One way or another. "One way or another... I'm gonna find ya... I'm gonna get ya, get ya, get ya..." Another song. (This book is on crack) (We include everything including behind the scenes and out takes... no stone will be left unturned since the author writes basically everything she is thinking, including me. Hi! I'm Bob. I was hired to say this thanks to the author for the 15 minutes of fame, do I get paid? Oh yeah, I only get "exposure").

The heck? Says Alice mentally. What are you doing in my head Bob? Stop advertising that's just rude and tell the author to stop writing you in.

Well, back to the story...

I "thought" Azrael was a decent guy but I take everything that I said about him back. Decent? As if. What an asshole.

Do you really want to refer to him as something you sh censored through? Said my conscience.

Yes? I questioned my thoughts thinking back to what he said.

Don't lie. Said the sarcastic voice also known as my conscience. Deep down, I mean, somewhere... wherever that is, you know he's a good guy. The voice paused for a bit. He's just a jackass from time to time.

*Rolls eyes mentally*

The voice of reason had a point. However, I'm still pissed at him nonetheless.

"Alice, Alice..." I heard Azrael's voice echo faintly, "earth to Alice?" He said trying to break my daze as he cut through my thoughts like a knife (a butter knife to be more specific) cutting through butter.

I know it's petty but he got on my last nerve. I thought it was a proper apology but boy, was I wrong. At this point I was angry but not necessarily serious. I looked towards him with nothing but resentment.

"Alice, you can't take a joke, huh?" Azrael said stretching out my name, a smirk still attached to his face. I remained silent, kept my cool, I wasn't going to retaliate just yet. "What?.." Azrael questioned looking towards me and grinning wickedly. "You not going to share with me, huh?" He then said as I still remained silent. You could say I'm a mute but then again no message is also a message, right?

Share? Oh no way... not after that. I thought to myself.

"And saying huh all the time doesn't make you sound more manly. Just so you know."

I know he has been really kind by going out of his way to do stuff for me but still, I never asked for this. If he didn't kidnap me he wouldn't be doing this in the first place and also I'm not the one giving me stuff, he is and now he expects me to share. Sorry, but no.

Now if this was a real date, to which I was not kidnapped I would have, believe it or not, actually considered going with him (and I would have shared cause I'm not one of those girls who just take things since after all he did make an effort to bring me all this way by just clicking his fingers) (I'm still not in my comfort zone) if he was "normal" and not a "kidnapper" and if I had "not" met Felix who for some reason I felt was always by my side, almost like we were connected as odd as that might sound.

Azrael had apologised many times before to which he was genuinely sincere but out of everything he did, what pissed me off the most was that he was making jokes when all I wanted was my "freedom." It was a joke I know but still I felt as though he had gone too far. I just had to do something or say something at least. A comeback would require the least amount of effort but somehow I had the urge to hit him, preferably in the face with my chair.

You can imagine what happened next...

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No, I did not hit him in the face with a chair.

I would have liked to but... unfortunately that's not what happened.

Instead I just let my anger boil. I let it simmer until it reached its limit. Well, hello Ms Passive Aggressive. Said the sarcastic voice in my head. I guess, this is my regular thing. Sorry my conscience is so sarcastic and that I actually listen to it from time to time. Also if you think I'm crazy I guess, it's because you probably don't have a conscience. Yes, you reader. #non relatable. (Just kidding, don't question my mental capability and be fully aware that I hate hashtags so no more of that rubbish).

Here goes nothing... I stood up. Rage and anger was probably written all over my face. Why am I so god damn dramatic? And this is coming from a person who hates drama. I'm such a hypocrite. I then gave Azrael an... I could kill you "figuratively" look and decided to walk away. Walk away, just walk away.

"That's it?" Azrael then questioned me out of the blue seemingly surprised. "You just going to walk away? Even after I set you off?"

He knew he was getting to me but I was prepared to let it slide as I always did. There is no point in... hold that thought.

I stopped just next to a table leading back into the restaurant that was a little bit of a distance away from our table but it was somewhat opposite to ours and wasn't that far. There were hardly any people now. Most of them had left already, after eating of course, and this particular table I stood at was empty and so were some of the others. Well, from what I could see. I then picked up a porcelain plate that seemed to be untouched.

There were about five more plates that no one had eaten in, resting on the table. Holding the plate in hand, I grit my teeth and without even a moment's thought, I flung the plate at him. The plate landed on the floor with a clink and a shatter, just missing his head. Good bye fine China.

What's the difference? Said the sarcastic voice. You should have just used a chair, it would have caused less damage. But if I were in your shoes- wait, I am in your shoes? I would have gone with a quick comeback. It's the easiest. Uses less effort.

I narrowed my eyes and reached out my hand for another one. My hand was now resting in place on the clean stack of plates. I heard Azrael, he was silent, surprised I guess. I don't think he expected that. The restaurant ever so silent, not a sound. It was as if the place was dead. No man's land, a ghost town.

I waited in anticipation for what was going to happen next when suddenly after some time the sound of a chuckle broken the silence. Azrael chuckled. "I didn't think you would have it in you." He said in a mocking tone like he underestimated me. "But..." he paused, "you missed." He just flipped a switch. My switch. He has pulled the last string. Cut the last cord.

I was going to go rogue. I narrowed my eyes again (because I'm evil) and grabbed another plate. My face heating up. Not from embarrassment, this time, but from anger. I was angry. I clenched the plate in my hand like I clenched my jaw. Holding onto it tight I turned around flinging it into the air as I watched it fly towards his direction and then grabbed another one. There were three plates now left. The plate that was descending into the distance came crashing down and smashing to the ground.

He must have thought I was acting like a kid and I'm not ashamed to say that I was. It was pointless but I've always been stubborn so it wasn't much of a difference from my daily conflicts with other human beings.

"Alice!" Azrael shouted as I witnessed him duck behind the table. "This needs to stop." I flung another plate. "Alice you need to stop." He shouted not fighting back or throwing back for that matter. "Alice!" He shouted again but this time in the background I heard a faint click. "You need to cool off." The restaurant lit up and all that could be seen was white light as everything around us faded away. There was no Azrael. No anything.

I was just falling in a white room and then suddenly I could see scenery forming, the clouds and blue sky coming in to view almost like a loading computer screen. Like a world rebuilding itself. I was falling. Falling so fast I could see the clouds pass me by and then...

✴Splash✴

I landed into a pool of water. From falling to sinking. There was different types of coloured fish. I caught a glimpse of them as I sunk further and further in some sort of huge fish tank, bubbles surrounding me as I gasped for air. I got entangled by some seaweed and in my struggle to get untangled I ended up hitting my head on one of the rocks as my lungs filled up with water.

I sunk to the very bottom of the tank. I had hit rock bottom, literally. Catching a glimpse of the surface, rays of light shining in, my eyes closing and opening as more bubbles escaped my lips. It was as if everything except for the bubbles was going in slow motion.

"And that's how I ended up sinking to the very bottom of an aquarium tank."

So here we are...

I was basically drowning and was probably going to die. My chest hurt and I felt pain again. The very pain I had felt before. An aching pain coming from my chest. There was a light, a pink light growing brighter, emerging from me and then I saw him... Azrael. My eyes opening and closing violently as I saw him swimming towards me as what looked like blue flames emerged from his eyes. His eyes shining a bright ice blue just like the blue from the necklace Eva had given me as a gift.

A white light...

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That's all I remember

and then nothing...

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I went blank again. All that water must have gotten to my head. I died didn't I? Don't answer that. I saw a bright light. I must be dead. "I'm dead, right?" I questioned the unknown as my voice echoed into nothingness. All I could see was a white light. So bright. So very, very bright, to the point that I could not see anything else but brightness. A feeling of emptiness. Was heaven or whatever the afterlife was truly nothing except for light? I didn't know if I was dead or alive. Was I just meant to float around here in no man's land? Just a wandering soul without a purpose.

"Alice, Alice." I heard a voice. This feeling was so familiar. What was familiar was the emptiness. Being lost. Stuck with no goal. No direction. And everytime it's my name being called as if I was summoned. Brought back. Reincarnated. Was I here before? The brightness eventually faded and an image finally came into view. An image of myself, like I was looking through a mirror or a window. My reflection however, wasn't cooperating with me because my body was unconscious and the voice calling for me was Azrael trying to bring me back from my unconscious state.

What's wrong with this picture? Questioned my conscience.

A memory replayed back in my head like a recorded video. It played back the part where I got entangled in the seaweed. A bright blue light shining around the seaweed. Somehow, I didn't remember seeing that.

I looked at Azrael trying to help me. What's my conscience trying to say? Was this a gut feeling. Go with your gut? He did this? I walked towards my body laying next to the tank. I wasn't waking up as much as he tried to get the water out of my lungs.

There must be something I'm missing. I thought. I remember something like this happened before. But when?

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»Flashback«

"Felix?.." I questioned him.

"Yes?.." He asked as he waited for my next question.

"How are you able to see me if I am a soul?.." I asked him as he looked at me with furrowed eyebrows.

"Well, I can't exactly tell you..." he said with a knowing look as he scratched the back of his neck, "but I guess, you could say my eyes aren't exactly normal."

"So, when will I be able to go back into my body?.." I asked him as I looked through the doorway of the kitchen to see what the time was on the clock that hung there.

"The necklace..." he said, "if you touch the pendant you can go back into your body."

~End of flashback~

The necklace? I thought.

I was running out of time. Azrael was trying to get me to break out of my body's unconscious state but most of his attempts failed. He stared at me for a while, a serious look on his face. His hair as black as night, all wet and messy from jumping in to save me however, the tips of his hair remained an ashy grey colour. His eyes staying blue and not changing back to steel grey. They turned a darker shade of blue as he leaned down. "I'm sorry..." he paused, his head slanting downwards, "but it's the only way to make things go back to the way they were." He said as he brought his lips down to mine.

Do you see it now? Said my conscience again. He did all this to kiss you.

A kiss?

What?!

He broke his promise.

Technically he did it so that he wouldn't break his promise. Remember what you said about a life or death situation? CPR? Said my conscience. That was his loophole, genius. You give people rules... they find another way to bend them. It's just human nature. Like when people try to make easy money but Azrael isn't your average human now, is he? In fact he's not human at all. So he found another way. He put his destiny in his own hands.

I'm not going to just sit back and watch...

My only way out is the necklace. However, what came as a surprise to me was that Azrael couldn't see me like this. He couldn't see me as a soul but Felix could. I knelt down next to my body as I did when this had happened to me with Felix. Azrael's lips was almost touching my own. I touched the necklace, it lighting up as it had done before. The room once again being consumed by light. Blue sparks blazing everywhere and then...

*Breathe*

Azrael moved his head away from my face as my eyes opened wide. I coughed up some water and moved a bit in order to sit up. "Are you okay?" Azrael said giving me a tight squeeze. He hugged me? He was silent for a bit during the hug and didn't say anything. I was still sitting on the ground when he stood up. "I'll be back soon." He said as he was about to walk off.

"Wait." I said and he stopped in his tracks.

"I have to go and get something to help you. You almost died." He said now facing me. "You could get a cold if a leave you like this." He looked at the exit door of the aquarium room we were in.

"No thanks to you and you can stop with the act." I said blankly. "You almost killed me today so I don't think a cold will do me much harm."

"You saw what? You were unconscious this whole time?" He said trying to defend himself. "I was trying to save you."

"With mouth to mouth? Really now? You did this all because I wouldn't kiss you?" I said crossing my arms over my chest. "You made a promise-"

"And I didn't break that promise." He intervened before I could finish my sentence. "Nothing was working to bring you back and that was my last resort."

He didn't know that I was watching. Somehow, he couldn't see me as a soul or a spirit? But Felix, he could. Thinking back I guess it's because...

Felix is a demon cat? Said the sarcastic voice.

Well, partly but no that can't be right... they both not human. They should have the same abilities, right?

Maybe... said the sarcastic voice, or maybe not.

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»Flashback«

"How are you able to see me if I am a soul?.." I asked him as he looked at me with furrowed eyebrows.

"Well, I can't exactly tell you..." he said with a knowing look as he scratched the back of his neck, "but I guess, you could say my eyes aren't exactly normal."

~End of flashback~

His eyes.

That's how he could see me.

His eyes...

I broke out of my daze once I realised I was still in an argument with Azrael. Why you ask? Because he tried to drown me in order to kiss me. How despicable. After hearing his words I spoke.

"Are you serious!" I exclaimed in anger, through gritted teeth, as I balled my fists.

"Well, we wouldn't be in this situation if you just cooled off. I was defending myself." He said now turning his head and looking away from me.

"By drowning me?" I questioned, feeling a bitter taste in my mouth.

"I did that to cool you off." He said, turning back towards me. "And you know I'll never let that happen to you. I'll always save you no matter what."

To cool me off literally? With ice cold water?

"This guy takes things way too literally."

"Says the one who threw me with a plate." Azrael said clearly reading mind and sounding annoyed.

Save me? You kidnapped me! Have you no shame? I thought.

"I need to get some air." Azrael said ignoring my thought and placing his hand on his face. Another face palm. I guess he only hears what he wants to hear.

"You teleported me without any warning-" I continued, before he could walk away, to which he cut in.

"Well, how else was I supposed to stop you from throwing me?" He said as he made hand gestures to prove his point. "You're lucky I didn't bring you to a real restaurant." He just proved my theory. It was an illusion this whole time. "You would have caused a scene. You broke plates, Alice!" He seemed angry.

"I'm not just talking about the change in location, Azrael." I said now a bit softer, I know Azrael was angry and I wasn't really scared if you think that's why I spoke softer. It was just because I didn't want to shout. Why does this whole argument seem so petty? Well, at least before I almost drowned.

Uh? Because it is. Said the sarcastic voice in my head. Basically, it was petty and you made it spiral out of control. You should have just gone with a comeback. It would have been the least amount of effort and it wouldn't have led to this outcome.

You don't say. I thought.

But back to the argument at hand...

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"Then what are you talking about?" Azrael questioned, looking at me astonished as if he didn't expect me to say that. He paused, not moving an inch.

"I'm talking about what you did with the seaweed. How you manipulated the situation." I said.

"You saw that?" He questioned, his eyes going wide. "How?"

I remained silent and decided no to tell him what actually happened to me. If he doesn't know maybe I can use this to my advantage.

"I'm sorry I did that but it was the only way to get you to remember." Azrael now said. "I can't go against the promise you put in place... it was my oath." He looked towards me. "Yes, I changed the situation, I manipulated you and yes, I timed this to happen but I just want things to go back to the way they were..." He spoke seemingly sad and yet angry at the same time.

"You want things to go back?" I questioned feeling confused. "What do you mean?" I then asked. "You mean you met me way before this?"

"I'm not entirely sure?" Azrael said making it sound as if he was asking a question.

We met before?

Maybe in another life?

To be continued...