67 God is light

The human flesh is that of men, the men are killing people with their own flesh… Barbarians, cannibals, killing each other for gain. What a shame that we all have to be of the same…

"What is that mark on your hand?" Bog asked me suspiciously with his eyes wide open, wondering why I look how I look. The sudden change in my now probably not glowing eyes, empty eyes…

"A deal," I answered coldly, no emotion behind it even though it might be a thing impairing me later on in life. A hard choice I had to make… It changed me to this extent.

"What deal? With whom? You were talking to someone?" The big person looked down on me, a man who doesn't know about the pain I endured, about the hell I had to go through. Why should he know those things? I will tell him about it anyway, but I don't know… If there is a point in doing it…

"We are safe while leaving this place… The animals I told you about. They won't attack us." He seemed surprised when I finished this sentence. "A deal with a devil… For our safety, and something else." He looked at me stunned, almost as if it was impossible.

"What animals? A devil? What are you even talking about, did you go crazy?" Bog can't believe what he is hearing at this point. "What did you get actually?"

"Maybe I went crazy, but I certainly know what I did while I was sleeping. And you stopped me now. The thing you just did, will create something in the world once we leave. I will have a lot of stuff to do, a lot of things I will need to accomplish when we leave this place." The large man seemed even more destroyed now that he learned the hard truth about what I am willing to do after leaving.

"God… What happened to you in your sleep?" The enormous man couldn't believe himself for asking the question. Scary.

"God. God wouldn't answer that question, he wouldn't answer your prayers. It's pointless… The only way to talk to god. Is by the disappearance of the faithless. Of the nonbelievers. Of those that would never believe in the man behind all of us. The people that don't listen to his teachings anymore, or never did." Bog… Is scared, he fears what I said. He sees what I've become. What have I become? It's just… Me. No one else, it's me, the pain I've endured for so long now manifested into… Me. Molded my flesh into the man I've become.

"What are you talking about…" I started laughing, just laughing loudly. He… Incredibly afraid of me. My cold gaze was numbering him, through and through, taking the man over. He ran back to the cave, I did not. I stood in the cold, my body shivered from the exaggeration of it.

The breeze covering my body like a swarm of ants on its base. The man standing alone looking at the cloudless sky, god now being the embodiment of his own soul.

"That is what God would do. That is what he would do in my own body. And so, shall I." A whisper in the cold came out of my cold mouth. A smile appeared on my face, a wicked smile that if someone saw it. That person surely wouldn't recognize me. I sat down under a tree, the wind, snow, all cold enough to make my body numb. But I ignored the pain, there is no point in me feeling something anymore. God wouldn't feel it, and so shall I…

Looking at the sky, the clear sky with stars all over the dark blue ocean. A dark blue ocean of grief… Like the dark screen that takes me from time to time, makes me feel bad, makes me realize that living in this world is nonsense as large as Bog or even twice as big. Pain… It doesn't exist for god, and so, it won't exist for me any longer as well.

The air I breathe, cold enough to make a man shiver or even die. If I was to just get that pleasure of death… But I can't. A god can't die, so I also won't. The snow isn't painful. It's not even cold anymore, not at all. It's like silk, covering my body without me even feeling it anymore. But my body is not that of the god, I can't sit here. I need heat to survive. I headed back to the cave, entered, and looked at them all sleeping. Bog included. With the flint knife in my hand, I made another fire, all of them hmmed with a smile appearing on their face. I don't want to sleep, sleep would just make all of the bad things appear once again. I don't want to be reminded of all of those bad things… The nightmares.

Another memory, another… Memory. Once again it's with Flora, the maid that was the only person caring about me. And if all of them are about me and Flora, all of my memories I get back. It means that she was a person that was always with me, always with the person I loved as a mother.

An orange light shining in the closed eyes trying to punch through my skin almost. Opening my eyes resulted in me seeing the dead woman once again, the woman that now is with the god in heaven. Her shiny smile now seemed deceitful and heartbreaking because she is gone. She is just gone…

"Are you afraid of the dark?" The four year old me barely knows how to speak. Trying to choke out words. At that time… Dark wasn't as scary as now, the feeling of emptiness. Hollow feeling. Left out all alone.

"No…" It was evening, almost night, dark as anything could be. A child I still wasn't aware of what it feels like to be left alone in the dark. Flora was always with me, close to me in the night. When I had nightmares, she was always there to make me feel better.

"Then why do you have the candles lit while sleeping?" A question left my maid's mouth, her wet lips. Looked at me worryingly, I don't even remember why I kept the lights on when I was sleeping.

"If I want to go to the toilet, I need to see…" The young me managed to explain why, and that brought me back to it. My shallow voice, hard to understand with my speaking not fully developed.

"When you leave the room, the lights will shine on their own. You only have to remember the room, but I understand." A smirk appeared on her face, hard to notice but was there. "Have you heard stories about the monsters of the dark?" Why would she ask a young child about that? Does she want to inflict fear about the dark? That's not really her is it…

"No…" The young child once again answered. Now a sour face, scared of what it can be. What she might say to me. What kind of things… Made who I am now, the fear of darkness…

"Then I will tell you." Now a much more noticeable smile appeared on the face of my 'mother'. "When you don't look and it's dark, black almost. Monsters appear around people, trying to touch them and take them over to their side, to the darkness. But our souls always light as bright as the sun, covering us from it happening. Therefore we will never be taken over, but the monsters will always linger around when you look at it more directly. Try to find instead of avoiding it, you may find a part of it. A hand, a face, wicked smile, monstrous teeth. A monster of its own, millions of them around us, around humans." Those monsters… Did this… "And they will always be there, always try to take you, no matter where you are and what you do. It will always be there." It is painful… The woman. The 'mother'... The one person I could always trust. She now made the dark a story to take me somewhere.

"Why are you telling me this?" A question I would ask myself now, the young me asked the maid.

"To show you why you have them on. You are scared." Her warm voice was always compelling to my ears… But now after hearing this thing. It makes me afraid, twelve years later. Still being scared by the things in the dark.

"I am not scared!" I screamed, looked at her and the light was still shining. I did not understand why, but staring at the light seemed even warmer than it ever was. A point of being there, a life yet to be given. The light… God… Are all the same. He is always there. Always looking at us under the body of light.