1 Birth of the Lord of the Red Sands

I always thought that being in 40K would be the absolute worst, in line with actual Hell. I was wrong. As I traveled through the Warp on black wings snatching up demons and such and rending them in my massive clawed hands I came upon a golden armored man radiant and resplendent.

Things are fucky in the Warp, but I think our conversation went a little something like this:

The Emperor of Mankind: I am going around looking for Warp Entities to become the souls of my twenty Primarchs, and I was going to go with this other guy but he wreaks of prison bitch, and you are a badass dragon.

Me: Sure dude, just give me fully functioning genitals and I'll become one of your Primarchs.

The Emperor: Sweet

I am like, fifty percent sure that is exactly the conversation that preceded me becoming the soul of a Primarch. Like I said, the Warp is fucky and getting stuffed into a demigod super fetus was also not to great for the ol' short term memory, but hey, any attempts to do a full memory wipe of me failed so I am still the God Emperor of Krogankind, and being in a gestation pod is old hat for me.

Emerging from my pod post Ruinous Powers yeeting me across the galaxy I greeted realspace with my hands on my huge child hips and a grin on my face that promptly turned upside down by the presence of 80 Eldar Dire Avengers coming out of five Wave Serpent transports.

Objectively this is a good start. Nuceria is low on the raw suck factor as far as worlds go. Only problem is the people who inhabit it really; but hell, I'm Angron now… and people are only ever a temporary problem soon to be met with a permanent solution for Angron.

Another point in my favor is that I only see a single Exarch with these guys, meaning that these guys bar one are mediocre warriors usually trained with defensive psyker powers so that the Eldar can leave someone on top of a strategic objective that isn't going to get instantly wrecked.

Final point in my favor is that canon Angron beat these fools to death and I am a way better warrior than he was at this point. Time to show these degenerate pervert elves who's their daddy.

I wonder what hurt more: my fist plowing through the blue psychoadaptive body armor and the wimpy elf flesh beneath it of the first Dire Avenger I closed distance with, or the collective realization that this huge manchild is faster than them and their big advantage over everyone else is they have loads of pysker powers and they run fast.

Impaling my enemy on my fist satisfied me deeply, but also was an inefficient method of solving my pointy eared problems. The next pair of elves I killed came compliments of a simultaneous acrobatic kick and punch to their throats. Each and every one of these blue armored fools shared that same weakness. Not a single one of them had significant armor between their helmets and chest plates.

The next Eldar moved to protect his neck but fell victim to a chopping low kick that snapped his leg in half like a piece of balsa wood. His neck opened right up after that.

I was tearing these guys up faster than wrapping paper on Christmas in a house with seven spoiled children, but it wasn't like they were just letting me do it. They fired off their long barreled shuriken catapults absolutely shredding any of their pals that I guided into the lines of fire.

At three thousand single molecule thick blades a minute launched at tremendous velocity those guns really shred, and they basically operate like Mass Effect weapons if they were telepathically constructed using crystalized psychic energy.

The Eldar really went all out on the whole Esper thing.

A number of the Dire Avengers had come packing power glaives led by the Exarch pairing it with a shimmer shield. They took over the engagement when it became obvious that I could in fact make them shoot their own guys with startling ease.

This also quickly proved to be a losing strategy as the average Dire Avenger is a poor melee combatant and now I was a Primarch huge manchild with a power glaive in each hand spinning around like Killer B when he dicked down on Sasuke and his friends.

By the end of my awesome ballet of death, the Exarch was so stunned he didn't even notice me cutting his arms off until after they hit the ground.

I rested the power glaives on my huge manchild traps and chuckled, "Da fuck did you guys think was going to happen?"

As expected the Exarch didn't respond with any kind of reasoned statement and instead shrieked, "You will never steal our big tiddie girl friends!" while activating some kind of Psyker self destruct attack which I saw coming a mile away.

Little secret inbound, I'm a Psyker too and the Emperor hooked me up with some pretty serious empath abilities. I kicked that bitch ass elf across the field to the inbound slaver convoy and watched him take out half of the guys who were supposed to come enslave me after I was injured during combat with all these Xenos.

I laughed long and hard as I skipped over and butchered the Sci Fi Roman slaver fucks. Remember this kids, slavery is only cool when I am the one profiting from it, and remember even more the bloody end of any fools who think they can flip that script and enslave me.

The Lizard Daddy Primarch makes it rain blood.