Et non sicut heroibus-XXVI

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DATE:18th of June, the 70th year after the Coronation

LOCATION: Concord Metropolis

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As I was laying there in a puddle of some cold, black liquid, I couldn't help but think about my fate. Wasn't love supposed to keep me away from this place? Perhaps it was but a matter of coincidence that I got to sleep soundly after making love.

I couldn't help but feel frustrated, especially because all of those movies about heroes bored me out of my mind.

Emily was crawling into a ball, crying her newfound eyes out.

"You said we-we wouldn't be here anymore."

"When did I ever say that?" She was traumatized from last time. I couldn't feel bad for her, I could barely care, but it wouldn't do me any good to lose this asset if her downsides are already in effect.

I mustered any strength I still could and prompted my hand. I did so with the other and forced myself on my knees. Then I crawled towards the android? Girl?

Blood was falling from the sky like tears. It was a gentle fall with a painful impact. Emily was hugging her feet tightly. I raised my hands over her small body and pulled her into a hug.

"Hey, it's ok. I am here with you." She was weeping while calling out my name like some broken calculator. She was still stunned by the horror.

Even if this piece of trash was useless for the moment, she was still made of flesh. While she wasn't programmed fro pain, she also wasn't mended to feel love. It's not like I can feel it, but she isn't me. I planted my lips on her dirtied cheek and gave her a warm kiss.

I repeated that until she stopped shivering.

It was simple to guess how an unfeeling machine would react at her first stimuli. Even if the rain falling on us was cold, I could feel my body radiating heat. Hers, even more. She looked at me with mesmerized eyes, lost in a trance just like how I did for Alice. But I don't know what she saw. Alice's were beautiful, not human. Mine? They were black, scarred with suffering. There was no light within them. No wonder the Changeling still remembers me since I was going by the Nameless. It's not that my eyes are special. Many people with trauma share them. But it is always said that when you get this kind of look you don't have long to live. This is the gaze of a man without hope. Without a reason to live. What did Emily see in these eyes?

Her nose and cheeks were red, but not from the cold. I wiped them off the taint and I could sense them hot, burning with a red blush.

Her heartbeat was beaming through my skin. I could feel it from here. This wasn't because of fright though. It was something else.

For the first time since it's inception, this screw up design, forgotten by her creator for decades, felt love. She was frozen in this state. She couldn't comprehend it.

We stayed like that for long, long minutes. It was only us, our gaze and a vast emptiness. I'm surprised my father didn't come.

I had such a beautiful girl in my hands, dazzled by my own actions, pressed against me so that our hearts beat the same. Her face was so pretty, yet something was wrong.

Even like this, I couldn't feel a thing. While my heart beat, I was empty. I wasn't enthralled and neither stirred. I started at her with my empty eyes, each second hers become more alive with emotion, yet I was the same.

It didn't matter how long we remained as so. As long minutes turned into hours, I still couldn't feel anything. Even as my hands grew weak while holding her, I couldn't muster to care.

Why.... Why can't I? It's not that I see her like an object. It's clear that in this place Emily is as human as any other being. Perhaps more human than me. I wanted to cry with her in my hands, to have my heart ache at this idea that someone finally is here to understand my suffering, to understand what I am going through, but I could feel a thing.

I couldn't muster even a tear.

Even if our hearts beat the same, I couldn't feel any spark in my chest. It was as if I was holding a corpse. Perhaps I am the corpse.

Yes, it's true.

When Sasha said I am a monster and she summoned the title of "The Nameless" within, this is what she meant. It's not that I am nobody. It has nothing to do with my role in the world.

I can't function as a human.

Can I even be called one at this point?

Why? Why can't I feel?

As I put this... Girl? In my lap, I couldn't help but wonder, why can't I be sad?

I was aware of how horrid of a being I was yet I couldn't even discern any displeasure. 'This is just who I am' is what I always rationalize to myself, but how is this any excuse? I am not a fool. I am aware something is wrong with me.

Yes, I think I understand why father didn't come. What better torture is there for him, when he knows I can't feel physical pain, but to let me stay with this girl in my arms, this prototype with no soul that somehow is more human than me.

'What does that say about me?' is what he probably wants me to think. Is he that foolish? Does he think it affects me that much? Surely he is aware this isn't the first love I couldn't reciprocate. Yes, certainly he should have made use of that ghost if he wanted to get to me.

But...

The fact that he didn't come means I am affected, at least on some level. Strange.

What is more curious is that this... Thing that is affecting me isn't a general effect. Humans are bags of water and meat. They are organic calculator governed by stimuli like hormones. This is why drugs affect us. They take on their effects. If I couldn't feel anything, meaning something was wrong with my hormones, I wouldn't be able to get it up when having sex with Alice. On some level I must feel human contact and the hormones that result from it.

So why is it that I can't actually feel love? I can't associate human contact with reproduction, but why can't I do that on a deeper level? It's all so strange. Why have I never thought about it before?

We were so close our noses touched. I was much colder than her.

"I'm here for you." I was still stuck with that false pretense. What else could I focus on?

I thought she would still be out of it, but Emily forced back a tear and finally responded.

"So... So am I." There were many tears forced into her eyes. Emily wanted to be strong. Was it for me or to finally prove something to herself?

"I-I am here for you William!" Such a pure statement. I was starting to admire this thing's capacity. Sadly her words went straight past my ears. I heard what she said, but I didn't have any reaction.

I feel pathetic.

What exactly did she see in me?

I have nothing to offer.

Hah, perhaps even my nothing is enough for her. Even this forced, false, obvious masquerade of a care I give for her well being is enough. Some-thing that was neglected from its creation. A fate denoting only suffering.

This issue that pressed her this whole time, abandon and uncare, even a douchebag like myself can fill that hole in her heart.

For once she was happy. But I felt mocked. I felt pathetic. I always ignored the lack of sense for my life's continuation. Frozen in time, a walking corpse running on borrowed time. I felt aggrieved that such a pitiable being reached a higher level of existence than me.

Was I angry? For once, I think so. But it wasn't with her. It was with myself.

Are you happy Father?

For once in these twenty years you made me crack.

I wanted-to kill her. With my own hands to snap her neck. It wasn't anything personal. Purely my body acting on reflex through hate. It is human instinct to avoid, or more commonly make dissapear factors that bring discomfort.

It wasn't something I could resist. It is clear I am not in sound mind.

My hands were moving on their own. Placing their darkened fingers around her small neck. Tightening.

Even as she started gasping for air, Emily kept repeating a phrase I was starting to dread.

'I love you'. Over and over again I heard these words echo in my mind. With every repeat the voices grew stronger. It was deafening. It hurt. What did this broken device know about love?

I could feel my own eyes tearing up as a scream escaped my own mouth.

So many people. So many consciousnesses.

It wasn't one girl. They were many. And many more afterwords.

But they were all Emily. I close my eyes from the pain

Just as I was about to hear her neck snap I blink.

I was back in the apartment.

It was dark, but I could see clearly.

My hands were wrapped around Alice's neck, trying to unalive her. It was an useless effort. I wasn't nearly strong enough to do such a thing to her. Days ago I was scared of her doing it to me, so what was happening now?

Thinking about it, Alice and Emily are so similar...

Physically, not in any other way.

Yes, it was as if she had her body modeled after the small girl under me. She was pleading words I couldn't hear. My ears were still ringing from what Emily said.

Seeing me uncooperative, Alice pulled me closer and held me in a hug.

She did.... The same thing I did for Emily?

Whispering softly to my ear, how 'she was here for me', how 'it was alright'. No! We are not doing this!

Is what I wanted to say, but I had no strength. She far overpowered me, holding me tightly, but without inflicting any amount of pain.

I felt powerless.

Oh so powerless.

I... Just couldn't.

I lost it.

For the first time in what felt like decades, I cried.

I cried from my whole heart, with my lungs's full capacity. I just couldn't contain myself.

Lost in the embrace of a girl half my weight, I cried for what felt like an hour.

She caressed my hair softly, but it wasn't a motherly embrace. Thinking about it, this is where Sasha failed to read me. I don't love my mother so what good would she make by replacing her?

Alice's skin was so soft. And her eyes.... I was aware they didn't glow, but I could see them perfectly even in that darkness. I had them memorized in my mind, and I was lost.

Sometime after that I managed to master some strength.

"L-let me go. I'm. I'm fine now." She made one serious glance, feeling like her gaze pierced right through my body, before letting go. I placed myself on her left. Still recovering from crying so much. My nose was puffy and my lungs were shivering. I wasn't familiar with this sensation.

" What happened Will?" Will her voice was soft but I could tell she was seriously worried about me.

"I-Uh.... Had a nightmare." I couldn't think of anything to explain what happened. Yes, in hindsight the situation was so strange. I probably woke her up from all that strangling.

" I know there must be a lot going on on your mind. Talk to me. Just like how you were, they are at my lowest point, I am here for you." She was very firm in her tone. I didn't like that. This isn't something... I can just discuss.

" I don't know.... It's really nothing...".

" Talk to me William. I won't let you go the path I took." Now here she lost me. The first while I was thinking Alice was for the first time mature, but this kind of dialogue is clearly from one of the books she read. I cringed horridly at this thought, but perhaps this is exactly what I needed as it sobered me up. Hopefully she didn't see my expression through the darkness but I doubt it.

" It's just... I've been having nightmares since I was young. It's not really something I can explain."

" I did hear that your trauma was too much for even Sasha to handle." This is what I mean when I say she is scarily naive. Because she isn't actually naive but just pretends as if she is. I'm sure that very few of my schemes have gotten past these these marvelous eyes yet she keeps overlooking them. I don't understand why.

" So if you know that then you should understand. This isn't something I can deal with or that you can help me with" we had to set some boundaries if I was going to stay here until I managed to escape. What am I talking about? Trying to distract myself from what happened? No, I honestly didn't think she could help me. But was she really unable to? I have just cried when for all those hours in the void. I thought I couldn't anymore.

" You are right, I can't help you by taking those burdens away. If it was that simple we wouldn't be in this situation. But I really, really care about you. You are the first person for who I ever felt like this." She posed + dragged her hand gently across my wet cheek.

" You are not alone anymore. If you have something burdening you, let me share it. Tell me about it." She then softly pressed the tip of her index on my lower lip.

" It's... Fine if it is still tough for you. I understand. But I am here. If you feel like talking. Or when you do. I am always open for your worries."

I hesitated to respond, mostly because I did not expect for her words to hit me so hard. It was clear had I felt something inside.

" I want you to understand William, that I love you with all my heart."

It was a powerful declaration, But I wasn't hurt like when Emily said it. What difference did it make that Alice was the one to say it? I'm not sure...

What I knew was that I was tired. So tired.

I vividly remember saying

" I... I love you too." Before my eyes closed. I would like to think it was a reflex but I'm not sure and it scares me.

I wasn't sure that-

And then I fell asleep.

When I woke up Alice wasn't in the bed.

I felt vestiges of so many emotions from yesterday, but I had to bury them away les I would be overwhelmed. I dragged my feet out of the cushioned embrace of the blanket and on the hallway outside.

Alice was in the kitchen, wearing an apron... And making breakfast?

She noticed me as I got closer and made me a sign to take a seat. I guess I receive royal treatment today.

In the time she finished with the pan, I couldn't help but gaze at this delicate woman who confidently declared to take care of me.

Unlike her usual baggy clothes, this pajama was tighter and complemented her figure greatly. I just don't get what she sees in me. It's not even that I look bad, I take great care of my appearance, but Alice isn't the kind of person to care about them. Was it really just that I was UltraMan's cousin? This is what I thought at first, but the more time we spend together, the more that theory falters.

Who exactly was this girl?

She didn't make my heart bounce in excitement, but I felt.... Something. Something out there, for a person like me...

A few minutes later and I was presented with the food she cooked.

It was nothing special. Eggs, bacon and toast. I can prepare much better, more healthy food than this. But there was something in the fact she, who lives by delivered or instant food, bothering to make me even this simple dish that hit me in some place in that deep, dark heart of mine.

I felt a tear. It wasn't anywhere near the level I would have it leave my eye, but even the fact I felt it meant something.

What kind of influence is this woman having over me?

I enjoyed the breakfast more than I should have considering what it was. I even bothered to praise Alice for her cooking, she really liked that gesture.

We were technically supposed to have a proper training session with the team today, but Alice called beforehand to let them know I wasn't feeling well so we would do that another time.

I thought that I had perhaps been in a more unique dream, but when I looked at Emily's chat history, it was filled with endless repeats of the same phrase,

'I love you'. damn. My AI got even more useless.

Alice got the idea to have me buy another suit, or at least a mask. I suppose a skull is a bit much for a "hero".

The shop she brought me to appears to be a quaint, old-fashioned tailor's boutique from the outside, with a classic wooden sign and traditional window displays showing elegant suits and dresses. Inside, however, the atmosphere changes subtly. The shop has the feel of an upscale tailor's, with shelves lined with fine fabrics and mannequins dressed in exquisite, high-end clothing. A long, polished wooden counter runs along one side of the room, and the shopkeeper, a well-dressed and soft-spoken tailor, greets customers warmly.

Behind the scenes, hidden compartments and concealed panels reveal state-of-the-art superhero gear. There are specialized materials woven into the fabrics: kevlar-like fibers, adaptive camouflage suits, and gravity-defying boots. The fitting rooms are equipped with advanced scanners that tailor outfits to enhance each superhero's abilities, providing functionality while maintaining style. In this space, traditional tailoring techniques blend seamlessly with futuristic technology, offering custom superhero suits that not only protect but also augment powers. The understated elegance of the shop hides its true purpose from the casual observer, keeping its superhero clientele anonymous.

I follow Alice, reminiscing about past times with the taylor, before I get the initiative.

"I need another mask," I say, my voice coming out more certain than I feel. My eyes sweep the shelves and the counters, expecting to find it waiting there. But there's nothing.

The shopkeeper looks up from his workbench, his hands stilling over a piece of fabric. "Another one? You haven't ordered one, have you?"

I frown, the sense of déjà vu creeping in. "No… I didn't. Well, not from here."

He gives me a strange look but doesn't press. Instead, he nods and gestures for me to follow him to the back, where he keeps his tools. "All right. Let's get to work, then. What's it going to look like?"

"White," I say without thinking. "With black letters." There's a pause as the words come to me, clear but inexplicable. "Aionis," I add. "Write Aionis in black."

He arches an eyebrow. "Aionis? What does that mean?"

"It's eternity in old Ventian." I admit, shaking my head slightly. "It has to be there."

Without further question, the shopkeeper begins crafting the mask, his fingers deftly cutting the white fabric and stitching it together. As I watch, I feel a strange sense of anticipation, like this mask is important—more important than I understand.

The shopkeeper then takes the fabric and places it in a plastic? Or perhaps rubber material. Then he makes a chant in a language I don't recognize and the fabric merges with the solid material. They have become one.

I had the mask done on the spot. That was better than most grey side equipment providers. No wonder the heroes get another suit even if they tear them up every mission.

The rest of the day was uneventful.

When I went to sleep I found myself sleeping... Fine? I had no nightmare tonight.