Is This Heaven?

The first thing Jung Ha-rin saw when she slit her wrist was blood. She saw blood and black alike as her vision spotted. And all Jung Ha-rin felt, despite her nerves set alight, was peace. All she felt was peace as she thought back to the malicious tabloids, naming her a money-hungry prostitute, naming her a whore who sold her body for success. She felt at peace as she thought back to the lustful glares that fell upon her bony-idol body when she tried to break away from their touches. She felt at peace, because what human, let alone an idol, could stand to live a life so heavy?

The second thing Jung Ha-rin felt was pain. Pain heavier than the hours of overworking in the same moldy practice room, pain heavier than the strain in her legs after twice-a-day shows. A pain that she had not been numbed to.

And still, as said pain filled her vision with black, she was content. Content to see the God's she prayed to everyday and every time she felt too seen upon stage, too seen with the thousands of eyes and their dirty minds. And she wondered, how much mercy would the Gods cast upon her? Would they serve her for her troubles, with a golden platter of a promise for a rich life? Would they serve her with a hug and erase her mind of its burdens? Would God smile at her and take her by her shaking hands to a painless life?

What Jung Ha-rin didn't expect, as her body pained all it could, was to see a cold concrete floor. Not only did she see such, but felt it, as she lied upon it, curled into herself. Why could she still feel? She asked herself as she realized she could smell too. She could hear and she could see, and all she saw was an apartment.

She began to pat herself over, the sound of a bustling Seoul that she had come to know too well. She rubbed over her arms and legs, feeling them solid. And then over her chest, as she realized something was missing.

Slowly, she pushed herself up. And as she stood, she realized that she could walk. Was this the heaven she had dreamed of? The escape from her miserable life?

She observed her surroundings, a single-person bed, unmade and pillows tossed to the floor. There was an open closet, revealing an array of just grey or black clothing, sweatpants, shirts, coats. And then she finally saw a mirror.

She ran her hands over her chest again, realizing her boobs were nowhere to be felt. She stared at her reflection to find herself, a boy?! Quickly, she pulled the hem of her shorts up, just enough to see what she had below. And clamped her mouth shut with her hand. She had a dick.

Her face darkened as she shook her head. Was her "Heaven" being in the body of a school boy? Because if it was, she didn't think this was a Heaven in any universe.

She ran her hand through the black hair that ran just below her shoulders. Compared to the lengthy dyed-red hair she had before she frowned. She looked at the raggedy black t-shirt and the grey shorts that covered her new body. She was actually a boy.

Just as she turned towards the other parts of the small apartment, something caught her eye. It was a cat, a fat one at that. It strudded from behind the bed casually, a large belly hanging below it.

"Are you God?" Ha-rin asked, pushing her hair behind her ear. "Is this Heaven?" Her voice came out deep, a boy's voice. It sent shivers down her spine.

The cat licked at its orange fur, beginning to clean itself directly in Ha-rin's line of vision. Sneaking glances at her with its green snake-like eyes.

"Well– That's just a cat." A voice from behind spoke. Ha-rin flinched back, turning as fast as she could with her hands prepared to raise in self-defense. In front of her sat a bird, perched upon the open closet door. "I'm not God either–" It chirped.

Ha-rin laughed hysterically to herself, "I'm finally going crazy, aren't I?" She whispered, placing her head in her hands and squatting down to hide herself. Has everything finally caught up to her?

"I'm just the Grim Reaper. God, I can't measure up to." The bird, again, chirped. It appeared to be a black kite.

Ha-rin ignored the bird and muttered curses to herself, not wanting to look at the bird any longer. "You're not– Don't lie to me like that."

The bird huffed, feathers slightly shaking in disappointment. "I wish I was lying. I even told God that the Grim Reaper being an actual bird from the streets of Seoul wasn't a good idea." It explained.

The bird examined Ha-rin, "I know you're a bit confused, it seems, but I promise you just let me explain."

"And you think I'll believe you?!" Ha-rin yelled, "You're a fucking bird!"

"I like to think you'll believe me. Just hear me out– please?" The bird begged, hopping down from its perch and sitting in front of Ha-rin.

Ha-rin slowly removed her hands from her eyes and stared warily at the bird below her, "One minute, that's all you get."

The bird sighed in relief, "Thank you." It took a bird-like breath and began– "You're not dead, but you're also not Ha-rin anymore. Look to your left." It demanded, Ha-rin complied.

She saw a noose. Her breath stopped at the sight.

"You've taken over the body of Park Joon-Woo. Who, if you see the noose, attempted to hang himself with it." It explained, watching Ha-rin place her hand over her mouth, eyes ringin with tears.

"He tried to kill himself?" She asked, voice muffled with emotion.

The bird raised an eyebrow, "You actually killed yourself." It reminded her.

"Yeah but he was just a boy!" She reasoned, "He was so young." She whispered to herself.

The bird watched Ha-rin sob to herself. "You were only 29. You weren't even 30 yet." It told her, but Ha-rin paid no mind. It took a breath and continued, "Our Park Joon-Woo here dropped out of high school to pursue being an idol. He was a promising trainee at Sunshine Entertainment– and just two days ago they collapsed and had to go bankrupt."

Ha-rin looked up from her teary mess, "He was trying to become an idol?" She slowly asked, "That's even sadder!" She sobbed more tears into herself.

The bird shrugged, "–It is quite sad. And you've been chosen to fulfill that dream for him." It dropped the bomb, Ha-rin looked up.

"Eh?" She exclaimed, tilted her head, tears gone from her face and instead replaces with a hysterical smile.

"You're gonna help him accomplish his dream." The bird repeated.

Ha-rin shook her head, "I'm done being an idol, I quit. I thought I quit by killing myself!" She explained, standing and pointing a finger at the bird.

The bird sighed, watching Ha-rin's face fill with anger.

"You can't do this to me. You won't. I'm never– ever gonna even go near being an idol ever again. No company, no contracts, nothing! I killed myself for a reason, you talking bird!" She screeched, face twisting with fear.

The bird watched in silence, as Ha-rin's mad eyes glared daggers through it.

"Don't make me go through it again." Ha-rin almost whispered.

"Ha-rin." The bird started.

"Don't 'Ha-rin' me!" She exclaimed, looking at the noose and pursing her lips. She pointed to the rope and said: "I'll do it again– right here right now. I'll put my fucking neck through that noose and kill myself again if that means I don't have to be an idol." She threatened.

The bird scrambled to the noose, frantically pushing its peak at the knots as if trying to un-knot it. "Don't! I promise you will do anything you want if you do this for us– Literally anything you want. Money, fame, immortality, I'll even kill– or bring people back! Anything." It exclaimed through muffled begs as it bit through the rope. "You wanna kill someone? I can kill anyone you'd like– the people who hurt you even!" It continued, coughing on the rope pieces it chewed through.

Ha-rin looked up in disbelief, "You think I want them dead?" She asked.

The bird stopped at the rope, looking at Ha-rin, "You don't want the people that hurt you dead?" It asked, puzzled by the disbelief.

"No! That's– Then they won't ever suffer the consequences when they get caught, and then I and whoever else they raped will never get to see the day their names get written in the tabloids calling them the whores." She explained, eyeing the bird with daggers.

"So you want revenge?" The bird asked.

Ha-rin scrunched her eyes and looked at the bird, "For a Grim Reaper you really seem to be a moron." She scoffed. "I want justice. I want to see them reap what they sought. But also–" She began, stopping herself.

"Hm?" The bird peaked up at Ha-rin's wants.

"I want to forget." She admitted, "I know that sounds bad– but I don't want to know that it happened." She explained in a low whisper, looking up at the bird curiously.

The bird nodded, "I can make that happen." It said resolutely.

Ha-rin looked the bird up and down, "You can?" She asked cautiously.

"I can." The bird confirmed.