An Immortal's Life At Chaldea

"Hm~ Hm~..."

Yu Mei-ren was casually going about her day, she'd made her bed after a good night's rest, taken a well-deserved hot shower after Chaldea's new acting Director had decided to put her ass in cryofreeze in a stroke of unprecedented genius that she'd make him pay for soon enough. She'd also indulged herself a bit and had breakfast in bed...

That last one was really enjoyable cause the usual cooks had been replaced by figures of legend with equally legendary skill in the culinary department.

Her praise was worth something when you realised she'd lived for millennia, long enough to forget her own birth.

"Wonder what the idiot's up to?" Yu talked to herself as she fixed her long dark hair into a braid.

It wouldn't take a genius to figure out she was talking about Nicholas... except, that cost her.

Just when the immortal not-vampire allowed herself to smile over the possibility of him punching himself in the head to test how hard he hit, the ground under her feet croaked and a deafening explosion rocked the whole of Chaldea... followed by sounds of screaming, profanity from an all too familiar mouth, metal clanks and then... running?

This didn't bother her much, she was used to living in literal war.

Besides, there were heroes of legend and Nicholas to deal with the problem.

It did knock her glasses off the side table though, ruining them before she could move to catch them.

"Ah... my glasses." Yu thought to herself for a bit before shrugging, "I guess I won't wear them?"

It wasn't like they were there to help her with vision or something.

The immortal sighed to herself before shaking her head and resolving herself to check out whether they'd been attacked.

This course of action was brought to an abrupt halt when the metal door to her room slid aside and a certain pale haired teenager rushed inside, slamming his palm on the console beside the door to lock it.

"What the hell are you doing in here?!"

"Hiding... I think I may have put my life in danger."

"Huh?" Yu reeled at that, "Never thought I'd hear you say that."

Holding up both her hands, she channelled the godlike power of an incarnated elemental that drew her power from the very planet into manifesting two flaming swords as dread wafted off her very being.

"...Do you want me to kill them? Let me and I'll drown them in a sea of their own blood."

Judging by how he quickly whipped around in surprise, she guessed the dumbass, being a dumbass, had underestimated the importance an isolated immortal placed on people she could call actual 'friends'.

"Ayo no, chill, the fuck wrong with you?" Nicholas bopped her on the head with a sword...

...Wait ... a sword?

Yu Mei-ren noticed the two distinctly familiar comically shaped swords, one distinctly red and the other obsidian, her fellow A-Team member was holding in either hand, "A...Are those noble phantasms... from your own servants?"

Nicholas nodded his head like an excited child, "The two retards were about to go at it in the hall so I pulled a Lupin and made away like a Joestar."

Instantly, all the dread and bloodlust vanished, leaving behind a deflated not-vampire that facepalmed so hard she left a mark on her own face, "How do you even mana-... You know what? I don't even want to know. What the hell made you decide my room was a good hiding place?! ...Wait, wait, no, actually, since when did you start stopping fights instead of starting them?"

"I don't shit where I sleep."

"B-But that'd been fighting is as important as s... s-shitt- defecating to you." Yu managed to embarrass herself... again.

"Your point being?"

"...Gah! Whatever! I don't care! Go hide in the shower or something!"

Slightly tilting his head, Nicholas cast a glance at the still wet towel lying on her side table and grinned cheekily, "You're inviting me to a bath?"

"No! Screw you! And damn me for trying to help you!"

"Yu tryna help Yu like everybody else huh? Cool... but why Yu cursing Yu?"

Yu silently walked over to her side table, ripped it off the wall and lopped it at Nicholas who ducked before holding his hands up in surrender, "I deserved that one."

Their 'conversation' was interrupted by seriously heavy knocks on the door... they left dents.

Annoyed already and more irritable than usual, Yu stomped over to her door and opened it, "There's a person living inside! What's up with assaulting the door instead of... I don't know... fucking knocking on it!?"

"Yeah, you tell em!"

"You shut your mouth!"

"I refuse."

"It is what the situation called for, now, hand over my Master so that I may retrieve Excalibur Morgan."

"Gimme back Clarent so I can bash this bitch's head in!"

Suddenly, Yu Mei-ren found herself face to face with two top tier Saber class servants, with a dear friend behind her back... She knew how volatile they were too, "He's not here."

Artoria expressionlessly pointed behind her, "He is standing right there."

"That's not him. It's his evil twin." Yu felt herself getting dumber with every single word that came out of her mouth in Nicholas' defence, "His name is K-Krampus."

"Good one."

"I didn't know our Master had a brother, my mistake... But still, do you mind if I ask him about his brother's whereabouts? Can I come in?"

"No." Yu replied flatly.

"What?"

"No."

"...What is that word? You would deny a tyrant?"

"...No."

"Ahhh! Fuck this, move bitch!" Mordred moved her hands to shove Yu aside, "Or I'll snap you like the twig you are!"

Before she could though, Nicholas rushed past them in a burst of unprecedented speed that left a tear in the ground under them, "You'll never take me alive!"

"After him, my kin!"

"Gotcha!"

Before the two Sabers could take off in righteous pursuit for their Master, Yu confusedly held up a hand, "Now, I don't have all that experience with servants but... can't you just dematerialise your weapons and then materialise them back in your hands?"

The immortal could swear she saw lightning crack down on the head of either shocked servant.

"...Don't tell me you didn't realise..."

"It seems our Master is a master of deception as well."

"No, you're just fucking retarded." Mordred spoke smugly, crossing her arms under a nonexistent chest and raising her head.

"Oh, then you realised it already, my kin?"

"C-Course!"

Yu deadpanned, "...I think your nose just got longer."

Great, everyone here was fucking retarded.

Yu sighed and closed her door, leaving Chaldea to it's devices.

-

Hope you enjoyed the chapter.

A bit late but better than just forgetting it right?