Unwanted Reality

I reach for the usual lake shore and undress while still walking before throwing myself in the water...

I dive deep down swimming in the cold black water, deeper and deeper not even focusing on my breathing or on the water pressure...

I come back up for just the time of half a breath and dive back in...

Again and again

Surface to bottom, bottom to surface...

After endless minutes of exercise I'm forced to come back up and take a deep breath in, for the lungs have began to burn in need of a decent amount of oxygen...

I swim toward a small island in the centre of the lake and seat on the wet shore, with the water touching my hips and ankles as I hug my knees

-I'm so sorry...- I murmur hiding my face down

-Who are you apologizing to?- a sweet deep voice breathes in my ear, making me shiver

-You're here...- I rise my hand using the wrist to clean my face but the man beside me catches it and place his other one on my cheek, caressing with his thumb

His silvery eyes are sad and lifeless

His expression slowly losen up, getting more and more tender, before a flash crosses his eyes and he regain himself

-I shouldn't be- he murmurs, putting distance between us -What's causing you to be in such a state?-

-Questions-

-Such as?-

-If I should be where I am or not, if I should be how I am or not...-

-You want to leave the Army?-

I nod -Not because I'm scared or anything... I just feel unstable, I might be much more of a menace than a good helpful soldier honestly- I whisper placing my chin over my knees...

A cold breeze runs over my skin giving me goosebumps and the man before me passes an arm to circle my shoulders, trying to warm me up -You will catch a cold-

-I don't care-

-I... Nevermind- he sighs -You are doing what's right, but if you feel like it's too much you are not forced to continue-

-Are you telling me to give up? Never, I'm not that kind of person.

I just don't want to hurt innocent people... But that Army? No, they must be exterminated. I'm considering leaving the Army, not to abandon the War-

-Mhn, then it's solved-

He stands up getting ready to head away, but I grab on the fabric of his waving clothes -Solved? How?-

His expression once again gets softer and he bends down again, patting my head

-I will make sure you won't hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it... Haven't I told you already? I might not help you on action, but I can take care of all the rest-

I widen my eyes, these words hurt... To anyone it would feel reassuring, but not now that Qin Luo said those things.

Those are the words he wishes to say...

He called me Goddess... Maybe he wasn't that wrong.

I slightly push the man away -I...- I start and bite my lip, shutting up

-Tell me- his eyes are demanding and cold again -Something else is worrying you beside that-

I nod

-A dear friend of mine... He said it hurts to love me, that he cannot stop being worried but he's not even able to handle me... I honestly don't know how to handle this situation-

He breathes in heavily and release unsteadily -Do you love him too?-

-I don't think so, I don't really know... Maybe?

I read many books but never cared to expirince romance, so I wouldn't be able to tell precisely what is the difference between affectionate love and romantic one-

-Have you ever felt extremely attached to someone in a weird way? Almost obsessive-

-I... Did- as I say such sentence I too get startled, but it's true, I did.

I still wouldn't call it love, that should be born by pure feelings... I would simply call it obsession tho, even if this man claims they are the same thing.

-Is it the same now?-

I shake my head

-Then you have your answer-

-I didn't need an answer tho-

He rises an eyebrow coming finally back down, seating beside me -Then what?-

-Nothing, I didn't need anything... I just feel guilty, forcing him to see my face and feel sad everyday-

-You cannot do anything about it, he will have to learn to live with it... I'm sure he knows he cannot force you-

-He does, but still...-

-Then end this war quickly and part ways- the coldness in his voice leave me frozen

-Maybe you are right...- I sigh leaning against his shoulder, tired -It's weird... You remind me a lot of a friend-

He pass an arm around my waist -You should head back and warm up-

But I ignore him -You have the same eyes... And the same Aura... If this war could seriously end I will definitely go and search for him-

-The one you where thinking about before?-

-Mhn... His name is LingHe-

I feel his muscles tensing up and his hand comes to cover my face, dragging me closer in an embrace

-It's too cold... Come- we slowly slip further in, in the lake, as the water gets warmer and embrace us till the waist

"I shouldn't be"

He said... Nor should I turn around and seat over his laps or circle his neck with my arms and rest my head beside his, leaving him shocked

-What...? What are you doing?-

-I don't know... I just feel so sad, I won another battle today but I'm still sad... I'm here for battle not to get distracted by stupid things such a feelings.

But I miss my friend LingHe, my brother and Hua, and I feel heartbroken for Qin Luo...

I think this could pass as comforting myself with someone else-

-That's not a good thing to do-

-Do I look like I care at the moment? I only ever cared about war, about getting things done without distractions and now...

I find myself smashed against things I find irrelevant, if it was for the fact that I care about him I would be able to shrug his confession off like dust on my clothes.

I'm a soldier and I have much more serious things to think about, men to train and enemies to kill...

Not to mention these burdensome powers I can't fully comprehend! I wish I could be able to not feel sadness, it's only gonna hold me back-

I say leaning completely on him, giving in the warmth... Taking his perfume into my lungs

-You don't even know what you are saying...- This shouldn't sound tender, but it still does...

-Probably... You don't have to understand me or teach me anything, just stay by my side for this one time only... Just talking about anything.

I really wouldn't be able to bear being alone with my thoughts today-

-What do you want me to do?- he whisper as his hand begins to trace my back

-Nothing, just stay here...- I move back to stare at his eyes, I really could pretend it's LingHe...

I lean forward to kiss him and I can feel him shivers, even if just slightly, before turning the situation around.

I get laid on my back in the low water, with this beautiful creature of a man hovering me...

One hand on my naked hip and one behind my neck, devouring me completely.

I circle him with both arms and legs, dragging him closer, not letting space for breathing in between one kiss and the other...

The extremely cold air, the lukewarm water and the boiling skin he owns make an explosive mix, numbing my brain...

After some time his hand falls lower in my inner thighs, moving them aside.

He comes in between my legs, pressing down on me... The free hand begins caressing my skin and arousal grows stronger... Even more once his tongue pushes inside my mouth, not asking for permission but instead stealing all the air away...

His eyes, before clouded by lust and hunger, gets cold again and he shake his head... He put distance between us, leaving me panting under him

-This is not supposed to happen... Even if I find it hard to stop- He murmurs beside my ear with trembling voice

-Do whatever you want, I'm not asking for anything particular nor do I care about chastity- I reply, searching for the now missing friction.

But he rises himself on one arm, staring into my eyes -I shouldn't even be talking with you...- he growls, almost angry, before rising up completely and disappearing in the water with a loud splash

I fall back on the sand, one arm over my eyes and one in the water...