SORRY EXCUSE FOR A MAN

[I WAS a horrible husband and a scumbag father.]

Having amnesia wasn't an excuse.

Even so, because of that, I lost my family in an instant.

In order to save Nero– my son and heir– I killed my daughter Neoma. And then I had to witness Mona, my neglected wife, die in front of me.

Why did I have to regain all my memories at that exact moment?

My precious memories of Mona and our beloved twins…

***

IT ALL began when I was a seventeen-year-old Grade 11 student.

I transferred to a private yet 'normal' senior high school for the 'commoners' in Korea as a punishment from my father. Aside from my difficult personality, my foreign blood also made it harder for me to mingle with kids my age.

My mother was half Korean-half British, so I didn't look Asian at all. Hence, I wasn't Korean enough for my peers.

I was used to getting two kinds of reactions: those who avoided me because I looked too "foreign" for them, or those who were overly interested in me because of my good looks and money. Still, I hated the way I was treated like an oddball.

So, I often acted like a jerk towards my classmates.

The only person in my class who treated me normally despite my mood swings was Mona.

"Young Leonardo DiCaprio is still more handsome than you, so I don't really get the hype over your face."

That was what Mona said to me one day.

"Excuse me?"

"But I still like your face, Nikolai. It makes up for your attitude. Don't forget to thank your parents for your genes, okay?"

"…"

Mona was slightly rude– but she was also beautiful, smart, and bright.

In short, she was a ray of sunshine in my melancholic life.

I was drawn to her brightness, and soon yearned to be a part of her world.

Fortunately, Mona was drawn to my aloofness. Apparently, it compelled her to "look after" me because she was worried that I might die alone.

I wasn't used to being taken care of, so I treated her coldly at first.

It didn't last long, though.

Even a boy with a "frozen" heart like mine couldn't resist Mona's warmth.

"I don't know why I was compelled to take care of a jerk like you, but I'm glad that my hard work paid off. Congratulations on being a decent member of society, Nikolai."

That was what Mona said when I finally opened up to her during a class field trip.

"It has to be you, Mona. If it wasn't you, I wouldn't have changed for the better."

"Why does it have to be me, Nikolai?"

"Because I like you, Mona."

"Pfft."

For the first time in Nikolai's life, he felt embarrassed. As the successor of a conglomerate group, he was raised confident. But, in front of Mona, he was always reduced to a foolish lovesick boy.

"I just confessed to you, Mona. Aren't you going to give me an answer?"

Mona laughed, then she gave him a peck on the lips in response to his confession.

"Is that enough of an answer, Nikolai?"

"No, we should use our tongues–"

"Nikolai!"

That was how Mona and I began dating.

***

I STILL remember the day Mona shared the news of her pregnancy with me.

It was the day of our high school graduation.

Since my parents weren't interested in celebrating my graduation from a "cheap" school, and Mona's parents were working abroad, we decided to celebrate it together at my penthouse.

But as soon as we got home, Mona suddenly burst out crying.

I thought my heart dropped to the floor.

That moment made me realize that there was nothing I hated more in the world than seeing Mona cry– especially if it was because of me.

"Mona, what's wrong? Did I make a mistake? I'm sorry…"

"We were careless that night, Nikolai."

"Huh?"

"I'm pregnant."

This time, my heart dropped to the floor for a different reason.

[Should we keep the baby?]

Of course, I was financially capable of providing for both Mona and the baby.

But I wasn't sure if we were emotionally ready to become parents.

Moreover, we would start attending university in just a few months…

"I'm keeping the baby, Nikolai."

"What?"

"And I'm going to drop out of college."

"Mona…"

"You're the father of my baby, so you have the right to know. But I'm sorry. I won't listen to you, even if you begged me to abort the baby."

That moment made me feel so ashamed of myself.

Mona knew.

She knew that I didn't want to keep the baby.

"Don't worry, Nikolai. I won't ask you to be a part of our baby's life if you don't want to. But I'd like you to support the baby financially. Although my parents are capable of providing for me and my baby until I get a job later, I'd still like you to take responsibility."

"Work? You're not going to return to school after you give birth…?"

"How can I do that when I have a baby to feed? I'm not that shameful to depend on my parents forever. That's why I plan to get a part-time job as soon as I can."

That was shocking to me.

I knew what Mona's dream job was, so I couldn't believe she was willing to give up her dreams for the baby.

But that wasn't the life I wanted for her.

"Mona, let's get married."

"If you're only asking me to marry you because I'm pregnant, then forget it."

"The baby is a part of it, but I really want to marry you, Mona. I've always known you're the only one for me."

Mona once again broke out in tears.

But those were tears of joy this time.

"I love you, Mona."

"I love you, too, Nikolai."

"Then will you marry me?"

Just like what Mona did when I confessed to her, her response came in the form of a kiss on the lips.

"Is it safe to assume that you want to marry me, babe?"

"Yes, Nikolai. I'd love to marry you!"

The year Mona and I turned nineteen, we got married.

***

TO BE HONEST, I didn't get my parents' approval right away when I told them I wanted to marry Mona.

The one who made the wedding possible was Yule Moon, my grandfather.

My grandfather was an aloof man who enjoyed spending his time with Roxana, my grandmother. My grandparents, who had already resigned from the corporate world, lived in our villa on Jeju Island while enjoying their retirement after my grandfather named my father as the new chairman of the Moonasterion Group.

[Grandfather chose father as his successor but, in exchange, Grandfather asked my parents to accept Mona as my wife.]

That was why his parents conceded.

And to express my gratitude to my grandfather, I promised him that I would work hard as my father's successor and expand our company further.

Hence, I went all-out as a university student.

I became a member of the student council, joined any club that would help me improve my portfolio, and began to socialize with people in the same "world" as I was.

In short, I became busy as hell.

But that didn't mean I had already forgotten what I was working hard for.

For whom I was doing this.

Mona gave birth on the day I was supposed to have my finals.

I dropped everything and went straight to the hospital.

When I arrived, Mona had already given birth to our babies.

Yes, babies.

"Nikolai, meet Neoma and Nero– our precious children."

Twins.

Mona and I had twins.

Neoma and Nero were the most beautiful precious little things I had seen in my life, only second to Mona.

I was glad my wife decided to keep the babies.

"Neoma came out first, so she's the noona. Nero came out three minutes later."

Small and fragile.

Those were the two things that entered my mind while watching Neoma and Nero lie down on Mona's chest.

Then I burst out crying.

Mona and our twins were the best things that happened in my life.

"Thank you, Mona. Thank you for always giving me wonderful gifts."

***

IT TOOK me six years to finish university since I had to take a break and enlist in the mandatory military service for two years.

I chose my Korean citizenship over my British citizenship, so I was required to do that.

Well, I could have avoided serving in the army like how other chaebols did. But how could I give Nero, my precious son, decent advice once it was time for him to enlist?

Anyway, I was just glad that it was finally over.

Both my military service and my time as a student.

To celebrate my graduation, I brought Mona and our twins to Japan for a quick vacation.

Mona's parents came with us this time, and my in-laws were kind enough to babysit Neoma and Nero so that Mona and I could spend some quality time together.

[Of course, my parents were out of the picture again.]

And I no longer cared.

Ever since I met Mona, I had already stopped yearning for my parents' love and approval.

So, I focused my attention on my wife– especially since it was rare for us to get a vacation.

While Mona and I were in the private pool in our hotel room, I decided to bring up the topic that had been weighing on my mind lately.

"Mona, don't you think you're ready to return to school now?"

"What?"

"The twins are already in kindergarten. They're not as clingy as they used to be. So, I thought now is the right time for you to resume your life as Mona Yeon and not just as a wife and a mother."

I didn't expect Mona to burst out crying.

Of course, it was because of happiness.

Hence, even though I hated seeing my wife cry, that moment didn't feel so bad. After all, I knew she was crying because she was happy.

"Thank you, Nikolai. I mean it."

"No– I should thank you for dedicating your life to me and the twins for the past few years, Mona. You deserve to put yourself first this time."

***

THE YEAR I turned thirty was also the year Mona finally got her college degree.

But that was also the year tragedy struck our family.

I was on my way to Mona's university to attend her graduation ceremony when I got into a car accident.

It was the moment I lost my memories.

And it was also the moment I began losing my world without my knowing.

***

I WAS THIRTY-one when I woke up after a year of falling into a comatose state, but my mind had regressed.

To be precise, it was dissociative amnesia.

Hence, I neither remembered Mona nor the twins.

I felt estranged from both my wife and my kids.

In my mind, I had been reduced to the sixteen-year-old Nikolai who was afraid of his parents, and yet secretly craved their approval.

That fear and yearning ruined my marriage and my family.

I listened to my mother when she said Mona wasn't a good match for me.

I also listened to my father when he said I only needed my son to become my successor, that I had no need for a daughter– unless I wished to marry her off to a wealthy business partner.

As a result, despite my wife's effort to keep our family together, I pushed her away in the worst way possible.

I also neglected my daughter and only paid attention to my son.

Just like what my parents expected me to do.

Desperate to be acknowledged and loved by my parents, I only watched when my mother kicked Mona and Neoma out of our house a year after I woke up from my coma.

"Are you sure you're not going to regret this, Nikolai?"

That was Mona's question the day she was kicked out of the house.

During that time, all I wanted was to make my parents proud.

Hence, my response to Mona was cold and cruel.

"I don't think I would. Thank you for being my wife for the past decade, Mona-ssi. And I'm sorry for forgetting everything. I wish you all the best in life."

Mona only smiled bitterly in response.

"I hate you, Appa."

That was what Neoma, between sobs, said to me.

I just turned my back on them without looking back.

And then I spent the following years recovering while gaining my parents' approval.

***

I WAS THIRTY-seven when I finally got a high position in the company.

It wasn't easy to get there because I practically had to study all over again in order to become an adult which my parents approved of.

Fortunately, I was born smart.

And, with my strict upbringing, it didn't take me long to re-learn how to behave like the capable adult that I was supposed to be.

["Divorce your wife and start afresh, then I'll make you my official successor."]

That was what my father's condition was after I began working for the company.

["We'll find you a more suitable wife later."]

And that was what my mother said.

Like the obedient son that I was, I followed my parents' orders.

That was how I ended up in Roseheart Café– a trendy café that Mona owned.

The café was still closed because I arrived too early, but it didn't matter since my legal wife was already there.

It was their meeting place, after all.

"Let's divorce, Mona-ssi," I said while handing the divorce papers to Mona. "But don't worry. I will continue supporting Neoma financially. You'll also receive alimony, and you can discuss the rest of the divorce settlement with my attorney."

Mona just smiled bitterly while looking at the divorce papers on the table between us.

Hmm?

I didn't know back then why I felt a pang in my heart while seeing that sad look on her face.

Moreover, I was confused as to why I felt attracted to Mona.

Then, while staring at her discreetly, her image slowly changed.

We were the same age, so we were both in our mid-thirties.

And yet, the Mona that I saw at that moment was younger…

… and she even wore a school uniform.

Argh!

I felt a splitting headache, causing me to clutch my head tight as I shut my eyes.

[Did I see wrong? What's happening to me?]

"Nikolai, are you alright?"

SLAP.

I didn't mean to, but I accidentally swatted Mona's hand away from me when she tried to touch me.

Horrified by my own action, I stood up while looking at Mona's shocked face.

I wanted to apologize, but I was overwhelmed by the strange emotions that filled my chest. Emotions that my memories couldn't catch up with.

"I'm sorry."

That was all I could say to Mona.

"Please sign the divorce papers and send them to my office as soon as you're done."

Afraid of the emotions Mona brought out in me, I ran away that day with a promise to myself that I would never get involved with my ex-wife again.

***

I BROKE my promise to myself to never get in touch with Mona again just three years later.

Well, to be precise, I reached out to my now twenty-year-old daughter.

"Your brother is in need of a liver transplant as soon as possible, Neoma."

That was the first thing that I said to Neoma when we met up at a fancy restaurant I reserved for our lunch meeting. Since my daughter was now a well-known celebrity, I asked my secretary Glenn to book a restaurant with a private room.

"Abeoji, are you asking me to donate my liver to my twin brother?"

'Abeoji.'

Right.

Around this time, Neoma had stopped calling me 'Appa' affectionately and opted to call me 'Abeoji' formally. My daughter now addressed me like how I addressed my own father– cold, unfeeling, detached.

"A portion of your liver, to be precise. Don't worry because your liver will grow back after the operation."

"Are you confident that my liver is compatible with Nero's even though I haven't gone through any tests yet?"

"I'm confident that you two will match because you're twins."

"Abeoji, do you think I'll give a portion of my liver to Nero just because we're twins?"

"I'm not asking you to donate a portion of your liver to Nero for free. I heard that your group is struggling because of your bullying scandal. If you agree to help your twin brother, I will help you with your problem."

My daughter was a member of a rising K-pop girl group currently embroiled in a controversy.

It was because Neoma was being accused of bullying a former classmate.

"How can you help my group, Abeoji? It's true that I broke that bitch's nose after throwing a ball at her face when we were in middle school. In my defense, she fucking deserved it."

I almost choked on my coffee.

After all, I didn't know that Neoma was good at cursing.

"Plus, that bitch already bribed our former classmates to keep their mouths shut. Her father has a connection to the police, so our classmates are afraid to defend me even though we all know that what I did back then was self-defense."

"Neoma, I'm now the Vice-chairman of the Moonasterion Group– one of Korea's three largest conglomerates. It's easy for me to buy back your classmates' mouths and make them speak up for you. I can also make it so your bully would publicly apologize to you to clear up your image."

"If you have the power to do that, then why didn't you help me back then, Abeoji?"

Neoma then smiled bitterly at me when I remained silent.

I felt the same pang in my chest that I felt when Mona gave me the exact same bitter smile a few years ago.

"How's your mother?"

Ah.

I asked that question before I could even stop myself.

"Mom is doing good, and she's dating someone new now."

It hurt.

I didn't know why, but I suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe.

Then the pain was replaced by anger.

"Who is it? Who is your mother dating?"

"That's none of your business, Abeoji. Mom didn't confront you when you got engaged to Miss Juliet, did she?"

Juliet was my arranged marriage partner.

We were introduced to each other early this year, and we got engaged just two weeks ago.

But, to be honest, I had only met Juliet three times so far.

The first time was when we were introduced to each other.

The second time was when our families decided to seal a business deal through my and Juliet's marriage.

And the third time was during our engagement ceremony.

It was purely business on my part, but that couldn't be the same case for his ex-wife.

If Mona was dating someone else now, then it must be a real romantic relationship.

But Neoma was right.

It was none of my business.

"I'll give Nero a portion of my liver, so please fix my problem, Abeoji."

And that was how I made a deal with Neoma…

… a deal that I would regret soon.

***

THE LIVER transplant was a success.

However, I was horrified after hearing Neoma had a cardiac arrest a day after the operation. Then my daughter fell into a coma.

It didn't take long before I received the news that Neoma had passed away.

I was confused.

The hospital that handled my children's operation was the best in the country.

The doctors who led the operation were the best in their respective fields.

The operation was supposed to be a safe procedure.

What went wrong?

"This is all your fault, Nikolai!"

It was Mona.

To say that his ex-wife was mad after the death of our daughter would be an understatement.

Hence, I just stood there while Mona slapped, punched, and cursed me while crying.

"I'm sorry, Mona-ssi… I didn't know this would happen…"

"You killed our daughter, you scumbag!"

It was a cold, harsh truth I couldn't deny.

I killed Neoma.

If I didn't ask my daughter to donate a portion of her liver to my son, then she would have still been alive now.

Why didn't I just look for another donor?

"I will never forgive you, Nikolai. Never!"

Mona was clearly not in her right mind at the moment.

That was probably what compelled me to follow her outside the hospital.

Mona was staggering, and it was clear that she didn't know where she was going. She just probably wanted to get away from the hospital. To run away from reality– to forget for a moment that Neoma was already gone.

My chest tightened painfully.

"Mona-ssi, wait…"

The next thing happened so fast.

Mona, obviously out of her mind, crossed the street without looking around.

And that was when an unusually fast truck hit her.

Why?

Why did my memories have to return the moment I witnessed that horrible scene?

The memories of the precious times I had spent with Mona and our beloved twins quickly flooded my mind…

… at the exact moment that I watched my wife die right in front of me.

***

["NEOMA and Mom died because of me, didn't they?"]

That was Nero's question that broke my heart.

["No, son. I was the one who killed them. It was my fault that your mother and your sister are no longer with us, so don't blame yourself."]

And that was my response to my son.

I should have been the one who died.

That was my thought while having a cup of coffee inside the Roseheart Café.

Yes, it was the café that my wife owned.

And, yes, I trespassed inside and made myself a cup of coffee.

Then I sat on the very same chair that I used when I handed the divorce papers to Mona a few years ago.

I shouldn't have done that.

"I'm sorry, Mona. I'm sorry, Neoma. I'm sorry, Nero…"

That was the only thing I muttered again and again before I sipped my coffee.

If only I could turn back time…

BLERGH.

My thoughts were interrupted when, suddenly, I threw up the coffee that I just drank.

It tasted weird.

I was about to check what could have been mixed in the coffee when, all of a sudden, my vision turned blurry and my knees buckled.

Before I knew it, I was already falling to the ground as my consciousness faded away.

[Am I dying?]

If it was the case, then I'd like to see Mona and Neoma one last time…

***

"NIKOLAI, give them to me."

Huh?

Nikolai blinked, confused as to how Mona was suddenly in front of him while pulling the papers in his hand.

[Papers…?]

"Didn't you hear me? Give them to me," Mona– his ever so beautiful wife– said, frowning. But she still looked pretty even with that frown on her face. "I'm going to sign the divorce papers– right here, right now."

What?

But Nikolai and Mona already divorced a few years ago…

[Oh!]

This must be a dream.

Since it was a dream, wouldn't it be okay for Nikolai to hug Mona?

And so he did.

Nikolai dropped the papers on the table and stood up to hug Mona. "I'm sorry, yeobo," he said in a cracked voice, a lump forming in his throat. "I won't let us get divorced– never again."

***

Note: Koreans use their surnames before their first names. But since I'm using non-Korean first names for my characters, I decided to use the format <First Name> <Last Name>. It's a format used in translations when Korean names are changed into English names.

***

Pointers:

'Eomma' means mother.

'Appa/Abeoji' means father.

'Noona' is what males use to refer to females who are older, blood-related or not.

'Hyung' is what females use to refer to males who are older, blood-related or not.

'Yeobo' means 'honey,' and it's an endearment usually used by married couples in Korea.

'Halmeoni' means 'grandmother.'

'Harabeoji' means 'grandfather.'

'Chaebols' are large, family-run business conglomerates that dominate the South Korean economy.

Adding '-ssi' after a person's name is equivalent to adding 'Mr.' and 'Miss' before their names.

***

NOTE: Hi! For those who don't know, <Let's Not Divorce> is actually an alternate universe of my other story <Royal Secret: I'm a Princess!> that you can also find here on Webnovel. Just go to my profile and check my works, or simply search for the title.

<Royal Secret: I'm a Princess!> is a fantasy romance with a medieval-inspired setting where Nikolai is an emperor and Neoma is an abandoned/neglected princess who later takes Nero's place as the Crown Prince. Yes, it's a gender-bender trope in the beginning.

Happy reading! :)

***

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