Purgatory

Jackson POV

I'm alone. Stood in the middle of an empty football field. All I can see around me is endless green grass. There are no sidelines, no people, no sky, no buildings, nothing. Just grass and darkness.

At one end of the darkened field is a goalpost. On all other sides is darkness. A darkness that starts to close in on me.

I run, but the darkness follows me. No matter how fast I run it continues to draw closer. Faceless spectres watch me from the edge of the encroaching dark, laughing and staring at me. I can feel their eyes weighing on me.

I stumble, my legs feel heavy and weak, like my pants and boots are chained down to the sinking, muddy field. No matter how hard I try to reach the endzone, it only moves further away from me.

The darkness catches up to me. It clings to me and drags me back, sinking me into the abyss. My uniform, my gear, and my soul are stripped from me bit by bit.

The light fades as darkness overcomes me. I'm helpless, stuck, and drowning. The harder I fight, struggle, and claw, the deeper I fall. I can't escape.

The darkness seeps into me, invading my mouth, and my nose, blocking my throat and suffocating me completely.

Just before my face is enshrouded, I see him. He stands out as a deeper, darker shadow above me. His eyes pierce me, his grin the only bright spot in this black Hell.

He swoops in and devours me whole.

And then I wake, deathly cold and drenched in sweat. That was how I started every day, ever since I met him.

***

It had been a week since the training camp, but every night I still had that same nightmare. Reality didn't feel much better when I woke from my black Hell.

Every time I woke up from that nightmare I tore down the poster of Jerry Rice that oversaw my bed from the near wall. I couldn't stand facing my idol like that.

But every day my parents would put the poster back up after checking the blue tack on the back of it. They thought it must've slipped and fallen off. I couldn't bring myself to tell them the truth.

I checked the date on my phone. July 16th … today was the day of my school's football team tryouts.

I threw my blanket over my head, for once seeking solace in the darkness and wishing I could go back to that nightmare rather than face the day ahead of me.

I wouldn't be so lucky; Mom knocked on my door soon enough.

'Jackie~ Are you awake? Breakfast is ready.'

I could smell the cooked bacon and eggs already. I let out a defeated sigh before I lowered my blanket and responded,

'Yeah, I'm awake… I'll be down in a second.'

I didn't bother getting changed out of my PJs before making my way down into the kitchen to sit with my family.

My mom, dad, and little sister were all as bright and cheery as ever. I must've looked like a lone thunderstorm in the midst of a perfectly sunny day sitting at that table.

'Did you have a late night there, son? Hah, must've been too excited to sleep right? It's a big day, today,' my dad said.

'Today?' my sister said as she looked up from her plate of scrambled eggs.

'Don't tell me you forgot, Chrissy. It's Jackie's big day today, tryouts!' My mom was beaming with excitement.

I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole as I kept my head lowered and focused on the toast laden with bacon and eggs in front of me.

My dad thumped me on the back, a proud smile on his face as he said, 'We all know you'll do great, son. Try your hardest and I'm sure you can make varsity.'

I dreaded throwing on my cleats and hitting that field today. They were all clueless to my misery and I didn't have the heart or the courage to open my mouth and let them all down by speaking the truth and saying I didn't want to go today.

My dad kept his hand on my shoulder, squeezing and rubbing it firmly as he looked at me a bit longer.

'Hey, it's okay if you're nervous. Everyone gets a bit jittery before something so important. But you've got this, Jackson. You've been training for this for so long. You'll do great, no matter what happens, so keep your chin up.'

His comforting words did little to brighten my outlook and expectations of the day.

***

Before I knew it we were piled into the car and on our way to Arcadia High School. The closer we got to our destination, the more tightly wound my chest became.

I had the window open all the way to keep some fresh air flowing into the car as I sat in the back seat of the old family station wagon.

As we neared the school and my dad began looking for a park, my phone dinged. I checked the notification and saw it was a text from my older brother.

'Hey lil bro. Sry I cant b there 2day. I no ull knock em dead. Sending u my love and energy <3'

I looked at it for a while until the car came rolling to a stop. I didn't respond to the message and instead got out of the car and we made our way over to the football field.

Much like the day of the camp a week ago, excitement was in the air, and the place was alive with the buzz of animated chatter from the high-school-aged boys waiting for their chance to show what they had and why they should be on the team.

This time, instead of revelling in the atmosphere and matching it with my own exuberance, I was the anthesis of it all.

I tried to convince myself that everyone else would've been just as nervous and anxious as me, but I didn't even buy my own lies. They didn't know. They hadn't met him before.

I parted ways with my family as they went to find someone to sit and watch the proceedings as I made my way over to the field and started shakily going through some simple stretches.

I tried to focus on myself and ignore everything going on around me, ignore what it all meant, and why we were here. But it was impossible to not focus on how if I messed this up, I wouldn't be playing football that year.

Not that I deserve to play anyway. How could I be good enough to make the team?

I stood there as I felt the butterflies in my stomach flap around in a frenzy as they ascended up into my chest and to my throat. Then I realised it wasn't just metaphorically butterflies that were threatening to fly out of my mouth.

I hurriedly made my way over to one of the adults helping set things up and asked him where the nearest toilets were. He pointed me in the right direction and I tried to appear as calm as possible as I made my way over to it.

I slammed the stall door closed behind me and locked it before I hugged the toilet bowl and emptied my breakfast into it. The noises of my violent barfing echoed around the empty building.

I wanted to just hide in there for the rest of the day. Even after I was finished and there was nothing left in my stomach to heave up, I stayed sitting there, tears running down my cheeks.

I was content to just stay there for the rest of the day—maybe even the rest of my life—but I wouldn't be left alone, not that easily.

My dad's knocking on the stall door drew me out of my isolated wallowing.

'Son? Are you alright? I think they're about to start now.'

'...I'm…I'm fine. Sorry, I'll be right out just… just nerves.'

I pulled on the roll of toilet paper, making sure to grab a lot of it to wipe my face clean before I flushed and stepped out of the stall. I moved past my dad without even acknowledging him.

I filled my hands with water at the sink and splashed my face. I looked into the mirror and locked eyes with my dad. He smiled at me and gave me a pat on the back.

'You should've seen how nervous I was before my first game as a starter. But I still went out there and gave it my all, and it was one of the best days of my life,' he said to me.

I looked down and gave a short nod before making my way out of the toilets, dad following behind me. He urged me back over to the field and I hurried into place just as the coach was getting through his introductions.

'... not everyone here today will make it onto a team. But that's okay. It doesn't mean you aren't good enough, just that now isn't the right time. There's always next year… as for any seniors… well, maybe try a different sport,' he said.

'That said. We're looking for only the best of the best to call Titans today. And even if you only make the JV team after today, don't be too hard on yourself. The season is long and who knows what can happen throughout. Every week it'll be a battle to see who's worthy of being on the varsity team.

'So even if you make varsity after today, that doesn't mean you can rest on your laurels and take shit easy just because you think the hard part is over. I'm not afraid to cut any slackers throughout the season. I will only have the hardest workers on my teams.'

Somehow, even though he hadn't looked in my direction once, I felt as if his words were directed solely at me, and they did nothing but enhance the dread I already carried with me.

Was it too late to go back home?