65. Chapter 65

"This is stupid," Meredith muttered, right as the door was being swung open. She had lost track of the number of times she had said it in the ten or so minutes spent standing on Susan and Thatcher's front porch, Derek patiently waiting at her side. She already had a family, so why should she put effort into a man who, for all she knew, would just bore of her once more and she wouldn't see for another twenty years. Meredith had Derek and really good friends, and a job she loved. Maybe she had needed Thatcher Grey in her life when she had been five, but she didn't now. But she had to have had a near death experience less than two weeks prior, and she had to have woken up feeling like she was being given a second chance, and she had to vow to be more positive. Stupid new Meredith. Stupid positive thinking.

"Meredith! I'm so glad you came!" Susan greeted warmly, smiling as she opened the door all the way and stepped aside, motioning for Meredith to enter. At least it was further than she had gotten the first time she had shown up on this same porch. But she had to keep in mind that it could still end the same way.

With a deep breath, Meredith returned Susan's smile, and stepped into the front hall, Derek close behind her.

"Oh, hi," Susan stammered ever so slightly at Derek's appearance.

"This is Derek," Meredith said quickly, before Derek could even begin to speak. The house smelled warm and homey and there were pictures hanging all over the walls that she couldn't let herself look at. And Susan was glancing back and forth worriedly between Meredith and Derek in a way that Meredith didn't understand, but was pretty sure she should, that she would if she had been raised by parents who took an interest. But she wasn't raised by parents who took an interest, or even my parents. She was raised – well sort of – by parent. Singular. Thatcher had left when she had been five, and she could still remember the promise to see her soon leaving his lips all those years ago. And she had believed him for so long. She had believed him until she had been forced to grow up overnight.

She had believed him until she had watched her mother's blood stain the kitchen floor. That was when she had stopped believing in anything.

And Thatcher hadn't been around for any of that. But he was here now, in this very house. And so was Susan, the woman who technically was Meredith's step-mother. And they were having a family dinner; Thatcher and Susan, and Meredith and Derek. Except that Thatcher was absent, Derek was nervous, Susan was staring worriedly at Derek, and Meredith couldn't breathe. And while most would try and take a deep breath and calm down when their chest felt like it was constricting, Meredith wasn't most people. So she rambled.

"He's my, uh... Derek. He's Derek. And I'm...Meredith, which you know, so that was stupid. But this is... and I'm... here. I'm here- We. We're here. And you invited us. Well, me. You invited me. But you said to bring a friend, so I brought Derek, who is my...well, he's not my friend. I mean, he is, but not, you know? He's not not my friend, because he's more than just my friend. We're friendly. In the...uh...socially appropriate way. And in the other ways, but that's not appropriate, because, hello, opposite of socially appropriate, so that was stupid too. But the point is that we're here."

Susan stared at her for a long moment before turning to shut the door.

"I think you set a new record," Derek whispered.

"Shut up," she hissed back. He constantly bugged her about her ranting, and refused to stop her when she was on a role, because the idiot actually liked it.

He squeezed her hand and looked up in time for Susan to turn back from the door. "Let's try this again," he said lightly, offering her his hand. "Derek Shepherd," he introduced himself, "It's nice to meet you."

"You too. I'm Susan Grey."

Derek chuckled. "It looks like my last name will be a little outnumbered tonight..."

Susan laughed.

Meredith tried not to roll her eyes. Derek and his stupid jokes. He definitely didn't have a future in comedy. Although if she didn't stop gripping so tightly to his hand soon, he wouldn't have a future in surgery either.

"We brought this for you," Derek continued, handing over the bottle of wine with his free hand.

Meredith fought not to roll her eyes again. There was no we. The thought hadn't even crossed her mind.

"Oh, you didn't have to do that."

Derek smiled again, ever-charming in any social situation. Meredith kind of hated him right now.

"It was no problem. The way I see it, we get the better end of the deal; a home cooked meal for a bottle of wine."

"I'm sorry," Meredith cut in, finally finding her voice again. If Derek could do the social thing, then so could she. "I'm sorry if when you said to bring a friend that you meant a friend-friend."

"It's not a problem, Meredith," Susan said softly. "I'm glad to see you have someone special in your life. It's just...your father. He tends to feel very protective. And I had more time to get him used to the idea before Molly first brought Eric home. It should be interesting to see his reaction," she said lightly, almost laughing.

But Meredith was nowhere near laughing. She was much closer to puzzled. "Why would he care?"

The laughter fell away from Susan's eyes quickly. "He cares about you, Meredith."

'No he doesn't,' was on the tip of her tongue, along with a host of other statements that old Meredith would have used. "I still don't..." understand. Why would Thatcher being protective have anything to do with Derek? "Oh, God... I mean... Oh...whatever. Are you religious? Is this... Am I offensive to your religion or something? You know, the whole lack of wedlock thing...?"

"It's nothing like that, Meredith," Susan said quickly. "Thatcher just doesn't like to see his girls growing up; he wants to stay as the most important man in your lives."

All urges to ramble fell away as if she had been hit. "He hasn't been that to me in more than twenty years."

Susan held a hand to her mouth, maybe to hide her horror in what she had said. "Meredith, I'm sorry. I didn't think..."

"And that was by his choice, not mine," she continued. She dropped Derek's hand to cross her arms over her chest, displaying her independence. Derek was a new, and very important, development in her life, but he wasn't a replacement for her father. She wasn't one of those girls in college with daddy issues; she had never been attracted to men that resembled her father in appearance or behaviour in an effort to replace him, because she hadn't had a father to replace.

And Derek Shepherd was nothing like Thatcher Grey.

"I'm all grown up, now," she continued, "So he has no right to be upset that I am in a relationship. I don't need his approval, and I definitely don't need his protection-"

"Meredith," Susan tried to cut in.

Meredith shook her head and continued. "It would have been nice, you know, to have his protection, to have someone who felt protective, to have someone who cared. But I never had that. And I got over it. So let's get one thing straight; he will never be the most important man in my life. Hell, he probably won't ever make the short list." She paused, her chest heaving with heavy breaths. Her eyes stung, but she refused to cry; not here. Later, in the night, when she was tucked away in bed with Derek, when it was dark and warm and safe, she could cry. Because it was okay to be vulnerable with the people you trusted. But right now, she was pissed, and there were things she needed to say. "He has absolutely no right to feel protective of me," she stated, almost feeling like she was channelling her resident, using her best no-nonsense tone. "And if that's going to be a problem, we can leave."

Silence reigned for a long moment. She could feel Derek standing next to her. But he made no move to touch her. He knew when to step in and offer support, but he also knew when to step back. He tended towards overprotective, but he didn't try to fight her battles.

Susan was stunned; her eyes welling in a way that made Meredith want to back down. "Meredith... I don't even know what to say. Your father made mistakes; mistakes that have affected you dearly. And I am sorry for that. And he's sorry for that."

She couldn't help but scoff. "That's the second time you've apologized for him. And yet, I've never heard it from him."

"He's not good with words. But he is sorry. He thinks about you. He wants to know you."

Meredith took a breath. "Well, that's why we're here. To try."

"That's all I ask."

"That's all I can offer."

Susan nodded, offering a tentative smile. "Nothing is going to be fixed overnight, but we have to start somewhere. Why don't we start over?"

Meredith nodded, but said nothing.

There was a long moment, before Derek stepped forward and offered his hand to Susan. "Derek Shepherd, nice to meet you. We brought wine, but you already have it."

"What are you doing?" Meredith hissed.

He shrugged. "Starting over."

And when Susan laughed and shook his hand again, Meredith couldn't help but laugh too.

They were led into a cozy living room, filled with knickknacks and photographic reminders of Meredith's replacement sisters; both of which Meredith wanted to stay faceless, so she avoided looking at the photos. Well, okay, one had a face, but the other didn't, and she still didn't want to look at pictures of either of them.

"You two make yourselves comfortable. I'm just going to head upstairs and see what's taking Thatcher so long."

Meredith collapsed onto the couch and buried her face in her hands as soon as Susan left the room. "This was a stupid idea."

Derek sat beside her, one strong arm snaking around her waist. "I think it's a good idea."

She turned her head sideways, cheek still resting in her upturned palms. "Are you freaking kidding me? I was horrible to her."

"You spoke the truth, Meredith. You had every right to say what you did."

"Maybe. But I meant it towards him, not her."

He sighed and nuzzled into the side of her head. "He's got her acting as a go-between. That's her problem, Mer. Not yours. You say things to her, and they'll get to him. She may water them down for his sake, which he doesn't deserve, but they'll get there."

"So, it was okay, what I said? You think it was okay?"

He smirked. "Well, I think telling her we are friendly in a way that is the opposite of socially acceptable was a little much, but the rest was good."

She elbowed him in the ribcage. "That sounded a lot worse than I meant it. I can't be held responsible for the way things come out when I'm rambling."

Derek chuckled, before pressing his lips to the side of her head. "I love you."

"You too," she all but whispered. "What do you think is taking them so long?"

"Maybe they're being friendly in a way that isn't- oompf." He stuttered as she elbowed him again, this time in the abdomen. "Sorry; I couldn't help myself."

"If only I didn't have that problem with you..." She said, and then mimicked him, "Sorry, I just couldn't help myself."

He kissed the side of her head again. "Funny."

She leaned into his support. "Seriously, though, what do you think is taking so long?" She didn't want to be back to the rambling stage by the time Thatcher actually made an appearance.

"He's afraid to face you and/or she's telling him to behave himself."

"Why would he be afraid?"

"You were pretty loud. I doubt he couldn't hear you."

"Hmm. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing."

"Good," Derek said confidently. "You deserve to be heard, Meredith."

"I never tried to replace him," she whispered.

"What do you mean?"

"With you," she clarified. "You're not the most important man in my life because you replaced my father. You just...are." There had been a void in her life for decades before Derek entered her life; one even she hadn't realized existed.

He smiled tenderly at her, in the way that made her heart melt. "You, too."

She raised an eyebrow and smirked. "I'm the most important man in your life?"

Derek rolled his eyes. "You try to be romantic, and this is what you get..."

"I don't need you to be romantic, Derek. Just..."

"What?"

She met his eyes. "Promise me you'll never do this."

"Do what?"

She swept her hand in front of her, motioning to the room around them. "This;disappear and show up two decades later with a new family."

"Mer, I would never..."

"I know. I know, but I...I still need you to promise. I just...need you to." It wasn't that she didn't trust him. It was that being in her father's house – a home she had never set foot in before – was screwing with all the progress she had made in being able to trust. And being able to trust men. Both were relatively new concepts to her.

"I promise never to disappear," he said softly, leaning in close to peck her lips. "And I promise to never stop loving you."

"Derek..." she whispered, her eyes welling.

He smiled. "And I promise never to break a promise; especially not one like this. I mean, we're both surgeons, so the 'I promise to be home for dinner' doesn't always work out. But the big ones will always be kept."

It was her turn to kiss him. "I promise too." Maybe it was therapeutic to make these promises here, in the home her father had built without her. She would never be left behind again.

She cuddled against him, her head resting on his shoulder for a long moment, only to pull apart at the sound of footsteps on the stairs.

"Part two," she muttered, lifting her head and sitting up straight.

"Part two," he repeated, squeezing her hand. "You ready?"

"As I'll ever be..."

Susan appeared from the far hallway, offering a warm smile, as if everything were normal. There was a noticeable delay, and then Thatcher appeared behind his wife.

Meredith forced a deep breath into her lungs, uncertainly meeting Thatcher's eyes. Or really, uncertainly trying to meet Thatcher's eyes, seeing as Thatcher seemed to be doing as much avoiding as Meredith.

"Uh...hello...Meredith," he stammered, moving towards her, but stopping several steps away.

"Hi...Thatcher," she returned. She paused, and then, "It's nice to...see you."

He nodded awkwardly, avoiding her gaze a little less. "You too, Meredith. And, uh... Susan told me you brought...a friend." He looked to Derek for the first time.

"Derek Shepherd," Derek stated, stepping forward and offering his hand for the third time that evening.

Thatcher's eyes shifted back and forth between Meredith and Derek twice before he too stepped forward and shook Derek's hand. "Thatcher Grey."

"And Meredith," Thatcher continued, quickly releasing Derek's hand, "It's nice to see you again."

Meredith nodded. "Yeah...you too." Neither stepped forward to offer any kind of physical greeting.

"Well," Susan said after a minute of awkward silence. "Dinner should be ready in half an hour. Why don't we sit out here until then? Is everyone okay with a glass of wine?" Everyone nodded. "Wonderful. Derek, would you help me pour the drinks in the kitchen?"

It was a very transparent ploy to leave Meredith and Thatcher alone. And it wasn't even all that unexpected. But it still made Meredith's throat dry and her heart beat a little faster. If she was new Meredith – filled with positive thoughts – then why should this be so hard?

She sat back onto the short couch she and Derek had been sharing only minutes before, pulling one knee up in front of her and wrapping her arm around it, as if shielding herself from the conversation to come.

Thatcher, after a long pause, nodded to himself and sat onto an arm chair. "I..." He stammered. "I was really sorry to hear about your mother, Meredith."

"Thank-you," she said automatically.

"Are you...doing okay?"

"I'm fine." Also automatic.

"Do you need...anything?"

I don't need anything from you, the words she had spoken all those months ago while standing in the cold on Thatcher's doorstep ran through her head. And she wanted so much to repeat them now, to through them back in his face. She had needed him when she was growing up. She had needed a father figure, a parent. Someone who cared. Someone who wanted to keep her safe and protected. Someone to teach her about love and trust. But now...

"I don't need anything," she said quietly. Truthfully. If Thatcher Grey was to become a part of her life, it would be by her choice, and not by necessity.

"It's okay to ask for help," he stammered on. "Losing a parent it difficult."

Anger seared in her chest. How could he offer such a seemingly innocent statement like that to her? "She was sick for a long time," she said through clenched teeth. "There wasn't anything left of her when she died."

"That might be so, but-"

"It wasn't like the first time I lost a parent." She couldn't help but say it, especially when Thatcher was acting as if he were a parental advocate. He was sitting there all innocent, acting like nothing was wrong, like it was normal for him to be giving out advice. "It was definitely more devastating the first time."

He stayed silent.

She dropped her knee, and crossed her arms over her chest. "It's a lot harder when you're five, and your father just disappears."

"It wasn't...I never..." He stammered.

"You promised," she accused. "You promised you would see me soon."

"I meant to..."

"I guess I should have asked for your operational definition of 'soon'."

"Meredith, I..."

She waited for the apology, the one she had heard twice from Susan but never from Thatcher, but it didn't come. Instead Thatcher closed his mouth and the two of them sat in silence until Susan and Derek returned from the kitchen.

"Here you go," Derek offered, passing her a glass of wine as he took a seat next to her.

"Thanks," she mumbled, wishing she hadn't accepted Susan's request, and vowing to never again let the woman trap her in a broom closet. It only added badly.

"So, Meredith," Susan began, ignoring then tension she had walked back into. "How is your internship going? You should be nearly done by now, right?"

Meredith nodded. "A few weeks left."

"And you're planning on staying at Seattle Grace for the rest of your residency?"

Again, she nodded. "That's the plan."

"That's nice. We were definitely happy with the hospital, taking such good care of Molly and Laura."

"How is Laura?" Meredith asked. Izzy had told her to ask about the baby. It was a happier subject than Thatcher's abandonment. And as much as Meredith wanted to rant and yell at the man, she had come here for a reason.

"Great," Susan said with a smile.

"She's smiling now. Sometimes." Thatcher spoke up for the first time since Susan had returned. "And she looks exactly like Molly. When she smiles. Don't you think?" He asked his wife.

Susan nodded. "She does."

"It's amazing. I have this old picture of Molly and me when she was... I don't know, five? And she's sitting on this red sled in the snow, beside this great big fir tree-"

"You know, I'm not sure," Susan tried to cut in.

"Yeah, it was a massive Douglas Fir," he repeated. "And in the picture...well, it couldn't look more like the baby." He shook his head. "I mean...incredible."

Meredith swallowed hard at the realization that all of her father's happy memories of when Meredith was young were likely now assimilated with those of his replacement daughters. "That's me," she spoke up. "The red sled and the big fir tree and the park at the middle school in the ugly yellow plaid wool coat. That isn't Molly; it's you and me." It may have been more than twenty years ago, but Meredith could still remember that day. Her mother had been working, as usual, and it had snowed a lot overnight. Thatcher had walked her to the middle school, dragging the sled behind him while she laughed and yelled for him to go faster. She hadn't been old enough to actually toboggan down hills yet, but he had promised her that he would take her next year.

It was only a few weeks later that he promised to see her soon.

And Meredith had never been tobogganing. The fact that her father had promised meant nothing to Ellis, who hid behind medicine and claimed it too dangerous. It was why, when Derek brought up having a list of things they should do, tobogganing had been high on her list.

Silence fell over the room in a heavy veil of awkwardness and regret.

Meredith sniffed, but covered for it quickly as she inhaled deeply, hugging her arms around her abdomen. Derek reached a hand over to squeeze her knee, reminding her he was there.

Thatcher was staring; out of shock or awe, she had no idea.

Susan cleared her throat, but said nothing.

"I'm sorry," Meredith stammered, averting her eyes. She was supposed to be 'New Meredith,' and yet she couldn't seem to be nice for more than a couple sentences at a time.

"No," Susan spoke up softly. "There's no being sorry tonight, Meredith. We're here to start over. So, it's okay to get angry."

Meredith looked to Susan, expecting to see regret or condescension, but instead found only understanding.

"But why don't we move to a lighter topic for now?" Susan suggested. "How did you two kids meet?"

"Oh, I...uh..." Meredith stammered, taken by surprise by the question. She had already vocalized that she and Derek were friendly in a way that wasn't socially acceptable, so maybe telling Susan and Thatcher that she and Derek had met in a bar and hadn't exchanged names until the following morning wasn't all that bad...

"We work together," Derek spoke up.

"That's nice. So, you're a doctor too?"

Meredith tensed, waiting for the rest of the conversation to go horribly wrong. Not an intern, or even a resident? An attending! Such a big age difference. Meredith, what are you thinking? Can't handle the program without a leg up?

But it didn't go that way at all.

Derek nodded. "Neurosurgeon. We actually started on the same day."

"So, you're new to Seattle?"

Again, he nodded. And Meredith sighed. It was nice to be away from the immediate conversation, even if only for a moment.

"Where are you from?"

"New York."

"That's a long way. Do you have family there?"

"My mom is still there. And my four sisters. Plus husbands. Plus kids."

As much as Meredith hated her boyfriend in this moment for his easy ability to talk about his life, she was being calmed by his light words. No one was being interrogated. And no one was about to be lectured or called ordinary. Getting to know the parents wasn't really that big of a deal. And maybe Meredith should pay attention to the way he answered Susan's questions, seeing as she would be in his position in a month's time.

"That's a big family. Do you miss them?"

"I do," he admitted. "But I'll see them next month."

Susan smiled. "Going home to visit?"

"We both are," Meredith spoke up, finally finding her voice again. Derek smiled at her, pleasantly surprised at her timing. It gave her confidence to keep going. "We've tried to go twice before, but it's been a stressful year, and things keep getting in the way. But I have two weeks off after my intern exam, so we're finally going to make it."

"That's nice. Have you been to New York before?"

Meredith shrugged. "A couple times in college. It wasn't too far."

There was an extended pause before Thatcher finally spoke up again. "Uh, where did you go to college, Meredith?"

She wanted to laugh in his face and tell him he should already know the answer, but she swallowed down the impulse. She was new Meredith, after all. "Dartmouth. And I stayed for med school."

"That's a wonderful school, Meredith," Susan responded. "Our- My oldest, Lexie, is finishing up at Harvard right now, but she was considering Dartmouth. Wouldn't that have been funny, if you two had ended up at the same school, only one year apart?"

"Uh, yeah...funny..."

Susan, realizing she was going a bit too far, quickly changed the focus back to Derek. "So, Derek, what do you think of Seattle?"

He smiled. "It has ferry boats."

Despite the tension that was still floating in the air, Meredith couldn't help but laugh, Derek chuckling beside her.

"Just ignore him."

"Hey, she asked."

Susan smiled, glad to see Meredith relaxing. "So, ferry boats are the only good thing Seattle has to offer?"

Derek smiled and entwined his fingers with Meredith's. "Not the only thing."

His gesture was not lost on anyone in the room.

"So, you're planning on staying?" Susan asked, and even though Meredith had never experienced this kind of conversation before, she was pretty sure the words had more than one level to them. Was he planning on staying in Seattle, and was he planning on staying with Meredith.

"Absolutely," was his confident response. "At least for the next four years. Then I'm sure we'll have at least a dozen fellowship opportunities to contend with."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "I'd be happy with one," she said dryly. They had already assured each other they would move anywhere together, and the first valid opportunity to move would be for her fellowship.

"You'll get a ton," he assured.

She said nothing, but smiled inwardly at his unwavering confidence in her. No one had ever had such belief in her before. And it gave her confidence in herself to be able to spend one of her precious nights off having dinner with the father that abandoned her and the step-mother she hadn't known existed.

AN: I'm having a dilemma about the events of the end of season three, most notably being what to do about Susan. My original idea was to have more friction between Meredith and Thatcher/Susan, so that they wouldn't go to Seattle Grace looking for help with the hiccups (seeing as it wouldn't be the hospital closest to them b/c Molly was originally a transfer). Anyway, Susan wouldn't die, and it would open up more opportunity for the season four timeline. HOWEVER, I am starting to think I should/could go with the show, and have her die, because of the obvious plotlines, and because it would bring Lexie to Grace (as a surprise to Meredith) and would allow me to follow the small Thatcher plotlines in season four (and yes, that means I am continuing through season four...).

Anyway, any feedback on this will be greatly appreciated.