30. Spinning

Meredith was spinning.

Round and round and round she went, completely out of control; unable to stop, or even slow down, the nauseating, panic-filling, unending spinning.

Her hair whipped widely around her face, blocking her view and stinging her eyes. But every time she unclenched her hands from the cool steel pole before her, she flailed to stay upright. Faster, and faster, and faster she went. Round and round and round. Every time she tried to get off, it went faster. Every time she tried to catch her breath, she felt like she was drowning in the air.

She tried to scream, but it came out as a whisper; any volume lost in the wind rushing by her at every rotation. She could see her mother by the fence away from the carousel, the story of her destruction playing out like a picture box, one frame every time the carousel turned. Meredith watched in horror as her mother was left alone, collapsed to the ground, and cried for her loss. Alone. Destroyed. Broken. Forever.

She tried to call out to her, tried to get off to help. But the carousel only spun faster. And her mother disappeared, lost into the wind.

Izzy materialised on the horse in front of her. A great big, shiny black horse; a magnificent steed. She was wearing a long, pink wedding dress, her blonde hair trailing behind her in the breeze, complimenting the banner of black from her stallion's main and tail. Denny stood before her in a suit, a dark, empty hole in his chest where his heart should have been. Izzy held up a pair of scissors. "I'm going to save you," she said. "This is going to save you."

Denny stood before his fiancée, motionless, expressionless, waiting for her to save him.

A line of string appeared suddenly across the carousel, dark and black and foreboding, and Izzy reached out towards it, the scissors glinting from a source of light she couldn't see. Meredith screamed at her to stop, but her voice was, once again, lost in the wind. The moment the string was cut, Denny's chest began to bleed and his form staggered.

"It didn't work," he said, his voice monotone and cold.

"No!" Izzy called. "I can save you!" Her magnificent black stallion shrunk and paled underneath her until it was nothing more than a small, flea bitten grey pony, so short it left Izzy standing above it.

Denny shook his head and stepped toward the edge of the carousel. And then, as if moving in slow motion, he stepped calmly off the edge. He moved slowly away from them for one, two, three rotations, before he, too, was gone forever into the wind.

"Denny!" Izzy cried. "No!" She turned to Meredith, her wedding dress morphing into her prom dress; tattered and dark and hanging off her body. Her tiny grey pony was pulled away from her by the wind with a fearful whiny. "How did this happen?" She asked. "How did this happen!"

"I don't know," Meredith tried to tell her. "I'm sorry."

"I can't do this," Izzy called. "There's too much pressure. I need to move faster."

"No, Izzy, no. Hold on!" But it was too late, and Izzy fell off the carousel, never to be seen again.

"No!" Meredith cried silently, left alone. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." The carousel spun and spun, faster and faster.

"It's okay," Derek's voice said suddenly, calm and soft despite the conditions around them.

She turned her head to see him standing right beside her, holding out his hand. The carousel was spinning so fast, but he didn't seem to notice the speed. His perfect hair barely moved in the wind. "I'm here," he told her calmly. "Just take my hand and come with me."

Meredith wanted more than anything to take his hand and let him be the strong one, but her hands were stuck to the pole before her, unmoving.

"Meredith," he prompted.

"I-I can't," she cried. "I can't move." Her fingers ached, but she could not release them.

"I'm not waiting forever, Meredith. Come with me now. Please."

"I'm trying to. I want to."

He shook his head and withdrew his hand. "I'm disappointed."

"No, I want you. I love you!"

He kept shaking his head as he backed away from her, towards the edge of the carousel.

"No!" She screamed. "Don't leave me!"

"Nothing is forever," he whispered into the wind; but the words still reached her. He turned and stepped slowly off the edge. She watched in horror as it took six rotations for him to disappear completely.

"No. Derek! No!"

"Meredith!"

She jolted upright, smacking a solid form. Her hands were finally free and she clutched onto a soft form as tightly as she could to keep from spinning. It was dark. She could feel her heart beating wildly against her chest. And, as she fought to catch her breath, she wondered vaguely how she had gotten off the carousel. There was movement beside her. Whatever it was that she had grasped onto was pulling away. She felt herself whimper and clutch tighter, not wanting to be left alone, not wanting to be left to the spinning and the wind.

But then there was light around her and she could see. Derek was beside her, turning back from the lamp on his side table, his eyes filled with concern.

In the time it took to take two breaths, Meredith realized where she was, and fell back onto her pillow, relieved to not be stuck on the carousel any longer. Her fingers released the fabric of Derek's tee shirt, trusting him to stay with her.

"Are you okay?" Derek followed her down, coming to rest beside her, but very close, one arm hooking over her front and the other propping up his head. His voice was gruff with sleep, but filled with genuine worry for her. And his eyes betrayed nothing but love and devotion.

She nodded to him. "It was a dream," she gasped. "Just a dream."

He nodded. "You were crying out loud enough to wake me."

"I'm sorry," she said quickly.

He offered her a sad smile. "That's not what I meant at all. I was worried, that's all." The fingers of his right hand lifted to tenderly wipe a few stray strands off her face, his fingertips running softly along her forehead before running through her hair to her shoulder.

"I'm okay."

"I'm glad." He cocked his head to the side. "You want to talk about it?"

She closed her eyes and shuddered, still able to feel the horrible spinning. "I couldn't get off. I was stuck."

His arm closed around her once more and he settled closer, his head propped up by his hand on the pillow next to her. "Stuck where?"

"On the carousel..." She whispered absently, and shuddered, her entire body quaking in his arms.

"Carousel?"

She nodded and carefully turned to face him. His hand lifted to cup the bottom of her cheek, and she smiled at the contact. "I was on a carousel," she told him, "When the Chief left my mother. I remembered it today...or, I think I always remembered it, but didn't really get it before..."

"You were there?" He asked sympathetically.

She nodded and allowed him to pull her onto his chest. She rested her head high on his shoulder, her nose pushed into the crook of his neck, and she stayed silent for several moments.

"She took me to the park. She was nervous," she stated, reliving the memory of so long ago. She had only been five years old. "She waited until he got there, and then she put me on the carousel, onto a big red horse. And they fought. I didn't understand..."

"You were too young to."

"I watched her beg for him to stay. She begged, Derek. Begged. Cried. Screamed for him. Grabbed at him until he pushed her away. And he left her there. I was stuck on the horse, strapped on so I couldn't fall. The carousel stopped, and I could see her, collapsed on the ground, crying. She didn't come to get me. And then it started again. I guess they didn't notice me still on or whatever. It must have been five rides before they got me off, and sent me to the exit." Her chest hitched and she took comfort in Derek's warm breath against her hair. "She seemed surprised to see me there. And she stood up, wiped her face and dragged me across the park to the car. She was going so fast...I could barely keep up...I had to run..."

"Oh, Meredith, I'm so sorry..."

She clutched at a fistful of the soft cotton shirt across his chest. "I didn't realize until now..."

"He was a bastard for doing that to your mother. And a coward for doing it when he did, in front of you."

"She was never the same after..."

He sighed and stayed his hands against her back. "Is that what you dreamed about?"

"Sort of. It started like that, but then Izzy and Denny were on the carousel. But they fell off. And I was stuck. It was going so fast. And then you were there..."

"And?"

Meredith squeezed her eyes shut, trying to hold onto the fleeting memory. "You told me to take your hand, but I couldn't move. My hands were stuck. And then you said...you said..." Meredith scrunched her brow and racked her mind, trying to remember. "You wouldn't wait. And you got off. And then it was spinning faster and faster..."

"You're not spinning anymore, Meredith." It may have been an obvious thing to say, but with his soft tone and loving gaze she felt immense comfort.

"It feels a bit like I am," she breathed.

He shifted under her and reached for her hand, holding tight. "I'll always wait for you, Mer."

She nodded against his chest and concentrated on breathing in his comforting scent.

"Do you think you can get some more sleep?" It had been close to midnight when Meredith had gotten Izzy off the floor, changed into pajamas and then into bed. Her roommate had been so drained that she had fallen asleep quickly. And Callie had been on call, so George had offered to sleep in Izzy's room in case she awoke and needed someone. Meredith would have slept there if she had to, but she was more than grateful at the opportunity to fall asleep in Derek's strong arms. It would have been the third night in a row she had spent without him.

She sighed. "What time is it?"

Derek shifted to glance at the alarm clock. "Almost five."

"I think so," she said quietly, burrowing into his chest. George needs to go in at eight. But I'm off today because- Crap!" She sat upright, pulling violently away from him.

He followed her immediately, reaching for her hands as he tried to stay her movement.

Meredith shook her head and avoided his reaching fingers as she jumped off the bed. "Crap. Crap, crap, crap." She couldn't believe she had forgotten. It was five. They only had five hours. But... "Crap, Derek. I... It... Five hours. I haven't... You haven't... and I'm not...ready... And Izzy... We can't leave her... But... What are we going to do?" She paced back and forth along the hardwood floor, not beginning to know what to do first.

Derek quickly gave up trying to catch her, and sat on the edge of their bed, his eyes training her movement back and forth, as if he were watching a tennis match. "Mer, sweetie, I love you. But it's five in the morning. I've had about four hours of sleep in the past three days. So, you're going to have to let me in on what's got you freaking out. Then maybe I can help..."

She stopped dead in front of him, wondering how he could be so calm, wondering how he could have forgotten. He had been so excited to introduce her. She couldn't ask him to give that up. "We're supposed to be leaving in five hours, Derek. Ten. Our flight is at ten. We need to pack. And...Izzy...what do I do about Izzy? I can't just leave her here. There's no one else if George goes in... I know it's only three days, but still... People have to work. And Cristina will be with Burke. And Alex is...Alex. And we can't just leave her here-"

Derek was standing before her suddenly, clutching firmly to her upper arms. She wondered how long he had been trying to get her attention. "Meredith," he said firmly. "Relax. I called yesterday and cancelled."

"You...cancelled?" The world around her stopped spinning and she just...stopped with it. Silent. Breathing. Waiting.

He nodded and backed up, taking her with him, until he collapsed onto the bed and pulled her into his lap. "I called mom yesterday and told her what happened. And then I called the airline and cancelled our tickets."

Meredith breathed a sigh of relief; both for not having to rush and leave Izzy now, and for having more time to get used to the idea of meeting his family. "We're not going..."

He shook his head. "Not today."

"Okay, good. I mean, not good, because I know you were looking forward to this, but..."

"I understood what you meant."

"I am sorry, Derek. I know you miss your family."

He pressed his lips against the side of her head. "It's fine. We need to be here for Izzy."

"You sure?"

He smiled warmly at her. "Of course. We can reschedule for next month."

She breathed freely, trusting that he was telling the truth, that he really was okay with this. And now she had another full month to get used to the idea, another month's worth of time to be ready. Relief coursed through her body. "Thank-you."

He kissed her again. "Not a problem. Now, are you up to getting some more sleep?"

With a yawn trapped in the back of her throat, Meredith nodded. "Absolutely."

Derek smiled and moved up the bed, pulling her with him, before covering them both with the covers. It was warm and safe tucked up against him under the soft duvet. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"No more nightmares," he whispered into her hair, his soft breath tickling her forehead. "Only sweet dreams now..."

"Hmm..." She murmured in response. He was there and he was holding her, keeping her safe. Keeping her from spinning. A smile graced her lips as she drifted to sleep knowing there would be no more nightmares tonight.

000

When Meredith awoke again, it was in response to sunlight encroaching on her eyes. She blinked groggily and lifted her head from Derek's steadily rising chest to check on the time. To her surprise, it was almost noon. As surgeons, they rarely slept this late, but after so many days of little to no sleep, and far too much emotional turmoil, their bodies had obviously needed it.

She groaned and rolled away from the warm form under her, silently chastising herself for sleeping so late. The floor was cool beneath her bare feet as she padded across the room and out the door. She got half-way to Izzy's room when she paused, sniffing the air. It almost smelled like... Was someone baking?

When Izzy's bed was vacant and cold, Meredith chastised herself again for having left her roommate to her own devices for so long. And the sight that greeted her in the kitchen was of no great surprise.

Izzy stood at the counter, decked out in a full length apron, stirring a large wooden spoon round and round a glass bowl filled with ingredients Meredith couldn't begin to name. The smell was stronger down here, contributed to by the various items in the oven, and by the array of muffins around the kitchen. Plates of different flavours sat on every surface; table, counter, stove, top of the fridge.

"Iz," Meredith called gently. "You doing okay?"

"Hey," Izzy called back, her voice lacking affect, but relatively normal in tone and volume. "Do you want a muffin?"

Meredith blinked. This was definitely not the situation she had expected to find this morning. Tears. Anger. Refusing to get out of bed. Alcohol. Ice cream. Any of these would have been accepted with out a blink of an eye. Muffins, however, hadn't been anywhere on her radar. "I... Are you sure you won't miss one?"

"Of course not, I have plenty," Izzy responded, her attention shifting back to her bowl for a minute. "Oh," she said suddenly, lifting her head again. "That was a joke. Ha ha," she laughed, low and stilted. "But seriously, have a muffin."

"Okay." She reached for one with chocolate chips and hesitantly sat at the table. "How long have you been up?"

Izzy shrugged and began to pour her mixture into a fresh muffin tin. "Since George got up."

"Did you get much sleep?"

"Enough."

"Iz..."

Izzy's eyes came up from the table, meeting Meredith's with a cautious, wobbly gaze. "Just...please...don't. I don't want to talk."

"Okay," Meredith said simply. Izzy hadn't snapped. She wasn't pretending nothing had happened; she just needed to avoid reality for a while. And Meredith could definitely relate to that. "Okay," she repeated. "Do you want some privacy, or..."

"You can go back upstairs," Izzy said quickly. "I'm fine down here."

"Okay," she stood. "Just, if you need anything-"

"Meredith."

"I know. I know you don't want to talk. But if you need me, please come and get me, for my own peace of mind? Please?"

Izzy exhaled. "Okay."

"Good."

000

Meredith made her way back up the stairs to her and Derek's room, and quietly pushed open the door in time to see Derek looking up in bed, blinking groggily in her direction. "Where'd you go?" He asked, his voice husky from unshed sleep.

She crawled up the bed to him and collapsed against his chest, the covers separating her from his warmth. "I just went to check on Izzy."

His hand found the small of her back and rested there. "How is she?"

Meredith sighed and propped her chin up on the back of her hand to meet his eyes. "She's baking; muffins. Is that okay? She said she was okay, and that she was fine by herself, but do you think she is?"

His hand moved in a lopsided circle over her back as he contemplated. "I think so. We'll keep an eye on her, but maybe she just needs to do something comfortable and familiar."

She pressed her face into his chest and breathed. His words brought so much comfort to her. If he thought it was okay, then it was okay. If he was around, things would be okay. "I'm so glad you're here."

With both palms splayed against her spine, he held her tightly to him. "Me too."

"She was so devastated yesterday..." Meredith didn't even want to consider what she would have woken up like if Derek hadn't come home the previous day.

"I know."

"I can't..."

He shifted underneath her. "What?"

She lifted her head to meet his eyes once more. "I can't lose you," she whispered.

He shook his head. "You won't."

Meredith sniffed, despite herself. "Promise me," she demanded with a sudden surge of need. Urgent. Overwhelming. "Promise you'll never leave me."

"I promise." There was no hesitation in his voice.

She sniffed again and lost herself in his eyes.

"Meredith," he prompted, his voice deeper than she was used to. His eyes pulled her in and captured her, holding her gaze prisoner. "Promise me too."

She nodded. "I promise."

Pulling her closer, he pressed his lips against hers with a sudden urgency of his own. She responded immediately, pressing herself closer to him as he turned so they were side by side, limbs intertwined as he kissed her breathless.

"Izzy..." she gasped when he finally broke away. "She's downstairs... I told her to get me if she needed anything..."

"Meredith..."

"We can't just..."

"Meredith."

"What if she..."

He pecked her lips to cease her words. "I need you," he whispered.

Meredith shuddered under the intensity of his gaze. "I need you too," she admitted.

He kissed her again and she lost herself in him and the way he made her feel. They both needed this.

000

Izzy had, thankfully, not brought herself to climb the stairs and go searching for her roommates. After Meredith and Derek had taken comfort in each other, they had showered together and dressed. And when, in mid afternoon, their stomachs began to growl, they made their way cautiously down to the kitchen to find places to sit amid the muffins.

While she was not vocally thankful, Izzy did seem grateful to have some company. With only slight pressure, they convinced her to sit with them and share a late lunch of muffins and leftovers from the previous day's quasi-Jewish dead-honouring ceremony. The conversation was stilted, with Meredith and Derek cautious in what they chose to bring up. Izzy was subdued, but willing to answer questions with at least a single word or a nod. She was still devastated and shocked, but slowly coming out of her shell, slowly opening up and allowing comfort.

When they had finished their meal, Izzy hurried to get back to her baking. It was her therapy. And after exchanging a look, Meredith and Derek silently agreed to let her be. This was obviously what she needed to do.

"I just don't know what to say to her," Meredith complained as she flopped onto their bed.

"When the time is right, you will," Derek told her as he closed the door behind them.

Meredith turned onto her back to meet his eyes. "How do you always know these things?"

A hint of a smile played out along the corner of his mouth. "It's a talent."

She smiled back. "Seriously, Derek."

He sighed and lowered himself onto the bed next to her. She turned to face him and reached for his hand. His fingers weaved themselves through his and squeezed reassuringly. "I just do," he admitted. "And you do too. You know what to say to me."

"But that's different."

"How?"

She sighed. "So many crappy things keep happening to me and around me, and you always know exactly what to say and do to comfort me. And I feel..."

"What?" He prompted, impatient to know what she was thinking, what she was feeling.

She swallowed hard and met his gaze. "I don't always feel like I'm enough for you," she admitted.

His lips parted and a small gush of air escaped in a disappointed hiss. "Mer..."

Her eyes watered, but no tears fell. "It's not... I mean, in some aspects, most, I feel like I'm enough. But sometimes...I just don't feel like I'll ever measure up. I don't know what I would say to you if you ever needed it. And I'm sorry, Derek. I'm sorry in advance. Because one day you'll need me, and I won't be enough. I'm sorry, Derek, because I want to be enough for you. I want to be there for you like you are for me."

"Oh, Mer..." He squeezed her hand tightly in his. The memory of looking down to see her crying as they made love only weeks ago came rushing back. He could remember how keen she had been to be there for him, despite her own pain. And, with sudden clarity, he could remember how disappointed she had been in herself that she had been unable to comfort him, unable to be enough. His heart clenched as he realized she believed she had failed.

Derek was a strong man, a strong person. He didn't like to depend on other people. And he didn't like to be seen as needing, as weak. But she had told him it was okay to not be strong all the time, and she had still been looking at him the way he needed her to. And the last few days had been a horrendous challenge, during which just the thought of her had been what got him through at times. The thought of her. Or her touch. Or the smell of her hair. Or the feel of her lips on his. Or her gentle words. Or her quiet smile.

She had been everything he needed.

She was everything he needed.

Shuffling closer, he pressed his lips against hers in a comforting, lazy fashion. There was no urgency behind his move. He was not looking to initiate anything. He was only looking to prove something to her. "You're perfect," he whispered when he pulled away. "You are absolutely perfect. And you're here. You've done everything and said everything and been everything that I've needed you to."

"But-"

He shook his head. "You're perfect," he repeated. "You are absolutely enough for me. And one day something will happen, and I will need you, and I know you'll be there. And you'll know exactly what to say. And you'll get me through."

"I didn't no what to say to Izzy," she whispered harshly. "I even told her that."

"Sometimes that helps to hear. Sometimes there is no 'right' thing to say, Meredith. But you were there, and she knew you were trying. And sometimes that's all you can do. And that's enough."

She swallowed hard and nodded. And when she spoke again, her voice was deep and raspy. "There you go, doing it again."

He narrowed his eyes. "What?"

She cracked a smile. "Knowing exactly what to say."

A chuckle escaped his lips. And then a full blown laugh. She laughed to. They laughed together. And it felt good to laugh.

"You're perfect," he whispered when he had finally regained control of his breathing. His torso still twitched slightly, but he had calmed for the most part.

She blinked against the tears that had pooled in her eyes during their reprieve. "You really think so, don't you?"

The openness and vulnerability behind her eyes took him aback. He doubted he had ever seen her walls down this far before. "I do," he murmured.

Her smile could have lit up the city. "I think you're perfect too."

He smirked. "Of course I am. I am McDreamy, you know."

And then they were laughing again.

AN: Hmmm...so this chapter ended far, far, far from where it was supposed to...I'm going to have to revise my plan for the next few chapters, but it was worth it. This was also my first foray into writing a dream sequence, so I hope it made sense.

Thanks for reading!