5. Exhaustion

Meredith turned her head to yawn into the hand that was currently holding up her head, her elbow resting on the cafeteria table. She stifled a second yawn and returned her cheek to its previous resting position. The weekend hadn't been any less busy than the previous week, and Meredith was pretty sure she had worked more hours in the past week than in any previous week. And she was tired. She aimlessly slid her fork around the plate of what the hospital cafeteria like to call food, with no desire to actually eat anything. Christina had been sitting with her until she was paged to the ER, so now Meredith found herself alone, which wasn't actually so bad in that she got to rest. Lunch was a good excuse for a break.

Not being able to hold it in any longer, she yawned again, and then sighed softly to herself. A glance at her watch told her she only had a single digit number of hours left for the day, and she had tomorrow off. She smiled at that thought. Derek's meeting with the lawyer was the following morning, and he had promised to come over when he was done and they'd spend the day together. She couldn't wait. She missed him; she missed spending time with him. In the weeks since Addison had shown up, Meredith had pulled away from him, wanting to keep her distance, but it hadn't meant she hadn't missed him. And then the past week had almost killed her. Emotionally she didn't have to keep her distance anymore. He picked her. But she still couldn't touch him, couldn't spend any amount of time with him.

It didn't fail to amaze her, just how quickly she had grown attached to the man in her thoughts right now. Growing up had taught her anything but how to trust and rely on another human being, but here she was, standing at the precipice, prepared to take that leap with him. And it was terrifying. But in a good way. She just didn't want to wait any longer. Because the longer she waited, the steeper the cliff.

But tomorrow he was going to meet with his lawyers, and was going to come to her house after, a free man. And they were going to celebrate, and then they were going to get back on track; make those rules they had never gotten around to making. She was determined. Because she had found him. The guy she was going to spend the rest of her life with. She was done.

A tray appeared beside hers and she looked up and smiled.

"Hey," she said softly.

He smiled back at her. "Hello, Dr. Grey."

She rolled her eyes and leaned over to nudge him with her shoulder. "Dr. Shepherd," she muttered and he laughed.

He picked up his fork and got started on his salad. "Any good surgeries today?" He questioned.

She shook her head, glancing suspiciously at the other tables in the cafeteria for indication of starers. No matter the lack of evidence, she always felt eyes on her back. "No, nothing good," she answered, going back to running her food around her plate. "I scrubbed in with Bailey this morning. An appy. Nothing else."

"That's too bad. I would offer you a surgery this afternoon if I could, but I don't have anything on the board. I'll page you if anything comes up."

Meredith sighed. "Derek, you can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because, you can't play favourites. It's not fair."

He smirked at her. "It's fair to you."

"No. No, it's not," her eyes darted from table to table once more. She didn't want anyone listening in on this conversation. "You have to treat me like any other intern, Derek."

He sighed, dropping his fork. "Meredith, look at me," he commanded gently, waiting until her darting eyes had come to rest in his gaze. "I'm not trying to favour you. I favour the five of you, because you're Bailey's interns and everyone knows you're the best. All of the attendings favour you guys. Other than that, it is my job to teach and if you have nothing scheduled and I do, then it is my job to offer."

Meredith shook her head at the seriousness in his voice coupled with the twinkle in his eye. "You can't favour me." She repeated.

"Okay. But I also won't ignore you and keep you out of surgery to prove I'm not favouring you."

"Fine."

He copied her earlier movements nudging her with his shoulder, being rewarded with her laugh.

"Don't push me," she joked, nudging him back.

"Well, this is mature," he stated, returning the nudge again.

She laughed again, her shoulder once more pushing into his. However, when he made to counter her moves, she ducked away from him. "I win." She stated, triumphant.

He scoffed. "You cheated."

"I didn't cheat. You can't cheat at a fake game with no rules."

He laughed, his arm snaking out around her shoulder to pull her close. "Fine, you win," he muttered. "I'll get you next time."

She leaned up against him, smiling at his words, happy just to be near him. She closed her eyes, savouring the closeness, sighing as she felt him kiss the top of her head before resting his chin there. And for a few moments they both enjoyed leaning up against each other, basking in the warmth and closeness.

Then Meredith's eyes snapped open and she realized where they were and she pulled quickly out of his grasp. Her eyes now followed a familiar path from table to table as she tried to determine who was watching. They couldn't do this. Not here. Not now. They really shouldn't even be sitting at the same table. He was an attending. She was an intern. He was married. People were watching. People were always watching.

"Meredith..."

She shook her head. "No, don't Meredith me. We can't do this now and you know it. It was your rule."

He sighed. "I didn't exactly mean no touching at all," he muttered.

"Derek."

"I know. I'm sorry. And please, Meredith, relax. No one is watching you."

"You don't know that."

"So, what exactly are your plans for after I'm divorced? It's not going to stop people from talking, Meredith. It won't be any different."

"Yes, it will be different. I won't have to feel as guilty."

"Oh, Meredith, you have nothing to be guilty for. Nothing."

She turned to face him. "Nothing? Seriously. Derek, I'm the freaking other woman."

"No, you're not. Meredith, my marriage was over long before I came here. You know that-" His pager went off. "Damn," he said, lifting it off his belt to have a look. "I have to take this." He stood, his attention back on her for a moment. "Look, Meredith. You didn't have anything to do with my divorce. And you know that. The hospital likes to talk. Don't let them convince you that you are at all to blame."

Meredith took a breath as she watched him stride across the cafeteria towards whatever patient needed his life saving hands. She shook her head, trying to rid it of the negative thoughts still plaguing her mind. The hospital sure did like to talk. And she hated that she was a topic of conversation.

Looking both ways, to ensure he was really gone, she snaked her hand over to his leftover salad, stealing a piece of lettuce and popping it in her mouth. She chewed thoughtfully. Then, deciding it was a much better alternative to her pasta mess on her plate, she pushed her plate away and replaced it with his. Suddenly salad wasn't as bad as she thought.

000

Meredith collapsed onto the couch between her roommates, careful of the three bottles in her hands.

"Thank-you, Meredith." George said as he pulled a beer from her grasp.

Izzie muttered something resembling a thank-you from her position against the arm rest as Meredith shoved a bottle into her hands.

"Okay, so what are we watching now?" Meredith asked. It had been her turn to get the drinks and she had left George and Izzie to decide on a tape.

Izzie muttered something unintelligible.

"What was that, Iz?"

"Skin grafting." George supplied.

"Oh, that's a good one." Meredith motioned for George to hit play and nudged Izzie, but the blonde barely flinched before burying her face deeper into the arm rest. "Come on, Iz, wake up." She jabbed her elbow into Izzie's ribs, knowing how ticklish she was there.

Izzie lurched upright, her arm closing in on her side for protection. "Not cool, Grey."

Meredith laughed. "Hey, you would have yelled at us if we'd let you sleep through the tape."

"She's got a point."George supported her.

Izzie rolled her eyes, just managing to hide the smile threatening her lips. "Whatever, you two both suck." She made a show of raising the beer to her lips and taking a big sip.

Meredith and George laughed before the three exhausted interns fell silent, huddled together on the living room couch, watching a skin grafting tape performed by the legendary Ellis Grey.

"So," Izzie spoke up quite a few minutes later. "Derek's meeting with the lawyer tomorrow?"

Meredith couldn't help the smile that came to her lips. "Mmm-hmm," she answered, nodding her head. "Tomorrow morning."

"That's good. Then you guys can finally get back on track."

"I hope so."

"And then is Dr. Montgomery going back to New York?" George questioned.

Meredith paused. "I, uh, guess so. I never really thought about it."

"There'd really be no reason for her to stay." Izzie offered.

"Yeah," Meredith supplied noncommittally. She swallowed hard at the sudden onset of contrasting emotions. No matter what Derek thought or said, she still felt like the other woman. And no matter how happy and relieved she was about his choice, she felt for Addison, she really did. Because Derek was not the kind of guy you wanted to lose. And she hated that she was the one responsible for Addison's rejection. She took a breath and brought her beer to her mouth, forcing the thoughts from her mind. She couldn't think about that now.

000

Meredith sat tensely on the couch, her hands clutched tightly together on her lap. The television was on in front of her, but she wasn't paying attention; couldn't pay attention. She glanced up to see that the wall clock had only advanced a minute in the seeming hours she had spent looking away from it. She cursed under her breath, her hands unclenching to fidget. She looked again at the clock. She could swear it wasn't moving.

She let out an exasperated breath and jumped off the couching, pacing back and forth three times before heading into the kitchen. She strode up to the fridge and swung open the door. After spending several seconds staring blankly into the cold machine, she slammed shut the door. And there she stood; awkward, unknowing and anxious. On a quick glance the kitchen appeared spotless, just like it had the first umpteen times she had repeated this process.

Derek's appointment with the lawyer had been that morning, and it was now well after lunch time and he still hadn't shown up. And he had promised to come over when everything was done. And she had been waiting.

She remained still, having no idea what to do to attempt to distract herself. Her hands went down to pull on the hem of her shirt. Where was he? After weeks of staying away from him and the knowledge that she was so close to letting herself be close once more, she just couldn't wait any longer. She needed to be able to look at him, and have him smile his McDreamy smile at her, and have him hold her hand and kiss her and everything else. And she needed to not feel guilty about it anymore. She needed him to hold her while she slept again, because it had been weeks since she had woken up feeling rested. She needed him back in her life.

She smoothed down her hair and was on her way back to the living room when the doorbell rang. She jumped at the sound, her heart racing as she gulped down a breath and walked quickly up to the front door, swinging it open to smile at the sight that awaited her. Derek stood on her doorstep, dressed in a suit, his tie missing and first few buttons undone. His hair was messy and there were dark circles lining his eyes. He looked exhausted.

"Hey," she spoke, pushing open the second door and motioning him to come in. "You look like hell."

He smirked at her, a gleam in his eyes. "Thanks, Meredith, that makes me feel great."

She rolled her eyes and stepped into his warm body, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I just meant that you look tired."

He reciprocated by wrapping his arms around her small frame, breathing in her scent through her hair. "I am tired. It was a long day."

She shifted to come face to face with him and pressed her lips against his. "Well, it's over now," she told him when she pulled back. "Did everything go okay?"

He nodded and kissed again. "Everything went fine, just longer that I expected. Apparently there's more required in divvying up property and belongings that I thought. Although, truthfully, I think the lawyers did it on purpose to make more money."

She laughed and moved her hands up his chest to wrap around his neck, coming to rest in his hair. She pulled him close and kissed him again, deeper than before. He responded eagerly, his tongue immediately seeking entrance to her mouth. He obviously needed to be close to her just as much as she did to him.

"I'm glad it's taken care of," Meredith whispered when they came up for air.

Derek nodded, placing multiple kisses on her lips, cheeks, neck.

"I just can't believe this is happening," she moaned as his kisses began to dip lower.

"Believe it," Derek muttered against her collar bone, his teeth grazing the soft skin as he did so, making her shiver.

"I'm trying to," she told him. "It's just..."

He stopped his downward movements and lifted his head to meet her eyes. "It's just what?"

She tilted her head slightly, avoiding his questioning gaze. "No one has ever picked me before," she admitted quietly.

Derek smiled sadly and hooked a finger under her chin to turn her green eyes back to meet his blue ones. "I can't begin to understand that, Meredith."

Tears shone through her eyes as she smiled at him. "Thank-you."

He smiled the full fledged McDreamy smile, no amount of dark circles or exhaustion decreasing its effect. She melted and pulled her arms tight, forcing a second hug.

"I can't believe it actually happened. You're actually divorced."

Derek tightened his arms around her waist to contribute to the hug. "Well, not yet, but I've been promised that we'll have the new papers by early next week. It's actually happening."

Meredith froze and then pulled back. "What?"

He narrowed his eyes at her, confusion masking his features as he tried to determine her sudden problem. "What?" He finally asked quietly, unsure.

"You didn't get divorced today?"

He shook his head. "No, but-" he was cut off when she violently pulled away from him. He tried to keep her close, but she used her free hands to push off on his chest, forcing him to let go. "Meredith..."

She stepped back. "Don't Meredith me! You told me you were getting a divorce today."

"We had to get some things changed in the papers. That's what we did today. The new copy will be done by early next week. Then I'll sign. And it will be over."

She shook her head. "I've heard all this before, Derek." She crossed her arms over her chest to protect herself. She couldn't believe what he was saying. He had told he had an appointment to get divorced. He had promised to show up afterwards and they would spend the day together. And he had shown up. And he had kissed her and he had started to do other things. Things that were his rules not to do while he was still married.

"This time I mean it. I can't make the process go any faster. I'm sorry." He stepped forward, a hand reaching out to her, but she stepped back, making it perfectly clear she didn't want him to touch her.

Derek stopped his approach, holding his hands up in mock surrender. "Meredith. I'm making this go as fast as I can. We went through everything today. The lawyers need to make their changes. Then I have to read over the new copy and sign. And then it's over. Then I'm all yours. Just another week, okay?"

Meredith blinked back tears and shook her head. "It's not okay, Derek. If you had done this in the first place, it would be over by now. I can't keep waiting for you to decide what you want in life, who you want in life." Her body shuddered under her arms, but she was determined not to cry in front of him. She was absolutely exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and all she had wanted was him. And now...suddenly everything had changed again. She couldn't keep getting her hopes up to get squashed.

He was shaking his head. "I know what I want; I want you, Meredith."

"No, if you really wanted me, you wouldn't have taken so long to decide. You wouldn't have practically ignored me all week." She knew she was being irrational, but she couldn't help it.

"I didn't ignore you..."

"You didn't call me back, many times, Derek."

"I was..."

"And you said you were getting divorced."

"I didn't realize you didn't understand. They couldn't make the changes today..."

"I can't keep doing this. I can't keep fighting for something that will never happen. I can't keep putting my life on hold; it's killing me."

"Meredith..." He reached for her.

She shook her head. "No. I can't, Derek. I'm sorry. You need to go."

"No, Meredith, please. You have to understand..."

"I do understand, Derek. I can't do this to myself anymore." She was so tired.

"Meredith," he started, but failed to continue, as if he had nothing else to say.

"Please, please just go." There were tears welling furiously in her eyes, but she refused to let them overflow her lower lids. She would not cry until he was gone and she was safely on her own side of the door.

"I-" He spoke but trailed off and nodded. He walked to the door and pulled it open, turning to face her as he stepped out. "I'm sorry, Meredith, I really am. I'm sorry I hesitated the first time, but it was just... I felt obligated or something, but I don't anymore. I want to move on. With you. I promise."

She swallowed the quickly forming lump in her throat. "I can't keep doing the yoyo thing."

He nodded. "I understand. Can I..." he trailed off. "Will you still be here when I have the papers?"

She closed her eyes. "I don't know. I just don't know."

Derek sighed heavily. "I am sorry, Meredith." And with that he was gone from her doorway, gone from her home.

Gone.

Meredith rushed to push shut the heavy door, and ran to her room, the stairs becoming more and more fuzzy as she climbed higher, ignoring the steady stream of tears flowing down her cheeks. She could still feel the heat from his kisses along her skin. She could still feel pressure from his strong arms supporting her at her waist. She slammed her bedroom door and pulled herself into bed, curling up under the covers, a pillow wrapped tightly in her arms. And she cried.

AN: I know, I know. It's a crappy end to this chapter, and I suck for writing it, but just trust me and read the next chapter before you judge too quickly. This needed to happen for the next chapter to happen.