439. It's Morbin' Time ~Jazzy Oddities Part I~
"Ugh!" Gumball throws away the bottle of soya milk.
Oh, wow... You're writing bad things about your own culture now... How terrifying...
Well, yeah. Just sad that I couldn't write somethin' for a guy. *skips rock into a non-existent lake*Fuck. I broke the dishes.
Ooh... Lookie me... I didn't get to write something. I'm such a loser! I'm gonna shit on my own culture! You're a masochist, Author. Boohoo. Little Author's gonna cry?
You're a bully, y'know that?
"Gumball... This is soya milk! It's pretty good!" smiled Josuke.
"I'm not drinking that shit!" yelled Gumball. "It looks like infected coom!"
Ohohoho... I have an idea.
Excuse me? I don't wanna write something really gross and weird...
I can see that you've lost viewers, Mr. Author. I have a really good idea of what to do.
Uh-huh... Like what?
Meanwhile... somewhere in the distance...
Hey! That's my job!
The Narrator stayed home and called sick today.
And silence came after.
Now, hold on. You can't just-!
The 'Author' now has to write in accordance with my own will.
I... I guess, I will. Wait... No! You're-... I really don't want to write this.
C'mon, Author! You know what they want! It's drama between these characters! It's the thrill of drama, you foolish Author! They want things like frustration, tense atmospheres, BATTLES!!! That's what they want!
But... Uh... Won't that be... Technically I won't be writing this...You will... I'll just be a Ghost Writer from now on...
Exactly!
But... you're just a figment of my imagination... So now I'm just scared if you're my alter in my noggin'... Like Dissociative Identity crap...
No, I'm not! Trust me, Author!
How about this... Why don't I just-... Uh... Ooh! Ooh! I have an idea!
What's your idea, fool?
What if I just write something for compensation?
You always do that.
Uh... Hm... What if I... Uh... I...! I... Write something really, really different.
Okay...? Like, what?
I smile, as the wind from the window blows my hair as it flaps into my face.Uh... Hm... Finn's daughter.
Finn already has a-... Oh!
What if I hold an event where the characters are put into strange and fantastical tales? Some are canon! Some are alternate canon! Others are just really weird and semi-canon! Some should be so annoying that they shouldn't exist! It's called-!!!
At night, a portal opens in the deep woods near the city of Burnham.
A beautiful pale woman with fangs and pointy ears floats down and lands on the ground. "Quote: It's Morbin' time... End quote. Michael Morbius."
"Miss Abadeer, that is not actually a thing in any of the Maharlican timelines," said a voice in her earpiece.
"Damn it! I've entered a shitty timeline, dude. It's the one where Morbin' Time is fictional! Welp! I'll just go and kill my target and GET OUT OF THIS STINKIN' UNIVERSE!!!"
Thunder and Lightning flash behind her.
Meanwhile, in the Jazz Mansion...
Finn silently reads a book next to Yoshiko while the Jazz Fusioneers do stupid shit in the kitchen.
Spongebob, Patrick, Gumball, and Darwin all beat each other with big thick sausages, laughing like idiots.
"Hey! Look at this!" smiled Patrick.
"If this is anything cursed, I'll beat you," said Gumball.
"No, it's not!" Patrick laughed. He then opens his eyelid and creates a hole between his eyeball and his eye hole, preparing to insert the sausage in -...
"Patrick. Stop," said Spongebob.
Jake, meanwhile, reads the newspaper while wearing glasses. "Gob, I feel stereotypical..."
Gabrielle and Narcos are playing Multiversus in the game room.
"What!? Don't you get the meme!? The kids are sayin' it in an alternate timeline where Time itself goes slower!'It's Morbin' Time!'Eh?" smiled Miguel. "It's funny because Morbius was worse than counting the number of tiles in the entire lunch area in the canteen in school! "
"You actually did that?"
"376," said Miguel. "Place had horrible architecture."
"And how are you still energetic!? We just did thousands of paperwork today!"
"I, dunno... Because I'm a complete athlete?" smiled Miguel.
"Hard to not love you right now... I think..." sighed Anne. "Patrick. Pull that out of your eye sockets..."
"I CAN'T!!!" sobbed Patrick. "IT'S WRAPPED AROUND MY BRAINSTEM!!!"
"Oh boy!" yelled Spongebob. "Oh, BARNACLES... IT'S EVERYWHERE!!!"
"It's okay!" yelled Darwin. "Removing it would barely change anything!"
"He's right! I have no standards in terms of thought!" yelled Patrick.
Josuke and Erina are playing scrabble with Suki.
"Ugh! Soya is amazing!" yelled Josuke. "Why the hell does he hate Filipino products so much."
"This is boring!" yelled Suki. "I WANT AN I-PAD!!!"
"Not until you're seven, sweetheart," said Josuke.
"Yeah... That'd be... First grade, right?" asked Erina, as Josuke nods. "Yeah! Hopefully!"
Mark is helping with cooking with BJ, BMO, and NEPTR.
*SLAM!!!*
The window opens. Raindrops and wind enter the room.
"Ugh!" yelled Finn. "Could you please close that? I'm getting wet!"
"You do it," said Yoshiko.
"You're biologically younger than me," said Finn.
Yoshiko rolls her eyes and closes the window.
Josuke senses something. "Mark! Activate your suit! EVERYONE!!! YOUR STANDS-!!!"
*SHING!!!*
"WHOA!!!"
Finn blocks a dagger that somehow nearly stabbed him. It floats midair.
"GUYS!!! I THINK VADER IS-!!! Huh...?" Finn sniffs the air. "Uh... That's a familiar perfume..."
Jake hides under the table.
"What's wrong!?" asked Gabrielle.
"V-V-V-V-V-V-!!! V-V-V-V-V-V-!!! V-!!!"
"SAY IT!!!" yelled everyone else.
"VAMPIRE!!!"
*BZZT!!!*
Liquid heat vision blasts out of her eyes as Finn blocks it with his metal arm as it is shot to the glass, shattering the window as it blows up a car nearby.
"I'm okay!" yelled the neighbor.
Finn struggles to avoid getting stabbed by what is clearly an invisible Vampire.
"Narcos! The online books!" yelled Gabrielle.
Narcos nods and shows a website called WikiGrimm.
Gabrielle presses some buttons in the hologram. "NO, I AM NOT A ROBOT!!!" she growled. "Uh...! Sigma Vampire!That's what Marceline was! She seems to be a Royal Sigma! USE SUNLIGHT!!! OR A STAKE!!!"
"WHAT DO I DO!?" asked Finn. "WE HAVE NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS RIGHT NOW!!!"
"Well, duh... We use one of these..." rolled Josuke's eyes as he turns on a UV Light and burns the woman,
"AAAAAAAH!!!" she shrieked, and she becomes visible, wearing a black leather coat, a blue shirt, blue shorts, and red boots.
"Found this one in the kitchen!" smiled Josuke.
"Mr. Morbius didn't tell me that humans invented UV Light in this time period in this timeline!"
The Jazz Fusion and Allies prepared their weapons and face the Vampire.
"Prepare to be vanquished, you filthy Vampiric Viperess," Jake hissed.
"That's incredibly racist, Founder of the Pup Nation," said the Vampire.
"Lady, Whatchu are talkin' about!?" asked Jake.
"Wait a minute..." said Finn. "That perfume... I used to wear that perfume!"
"You what?" snickered Gumball.
"Uh...! Who are you anyway?"
"So... we're ignoring that. Okay."
"Selena Abadeer," she said. "I am here to kill you... Father."
Finn's eyes contract.
Yoshiko crosses her arms. "Finn. What the hell is she talking about?"
"Uh... She's crazy?"
"Finn!"
"Tell her, Father!" sneered Selena.
"Well... I kind of... did it... with other people... during Time-Loops..."
"You WHAT!?" asked Yoshiko.
"BUT THOSE TIMELINES WEREN'T REAL!!! I MADE THEM FAKE!!! THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO NEVER EXIST IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!"
"Uh... OUCH!?" asked Selena.
"How are you here!?" asked Finn. "Unless... Universes change timelines whenever I loop time and the timelines I erased become alternate UNIVERSES!?!?" Finn sighs and lowers his eyelids. "That might be the smartest thing I've ever said."
*POW!!!*
Yoshiko punches Finn. "YOU CHEATED ON ME!?!?"
"Technically, he didn't," said Josuke. "Technically, his time remnant that was erased via the Bites the Dust loop was the one who did it. And, since Finn erased him and therefore absorbed it, he also technically did it. So, it's one of those Flashpoint Paradoxes or whatever!"
"So... basically, you're saying that Finn did it while also technically didn't do it," said Yoshiko. "But since part of Finn did do it, those Finns created timelines where HIS KIDS still exist?"
"Technically, I'm the only one that survived," said Selena. "Except for that one-..."
"Yeah..." said Josuke. "All those Finn Variants are combined with half of Finn."
"So... you're saying that I should blow up half of Finn..." Yoshiko squinted her eyes.
"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!!!" yelled Finn, backing away. "I'll make it up to you!"
"Uh-huh... How is 50% of your entire existence gonna make it up to me!?" asked Yoshiko.
"Uh... Your other personality killed people?"
Yoshiko squints her eyes.
"Innocent people?" asked Finn.
Yoshiko sighs. "Why did you cheat on me, Finn?"
"Yoshiko, I could do anything with these abilities... I was also arrested for decades for this in the TVA dimension because of my actions. But that doesn't mean you can't punish me. Punish me, Yoshiko."
"Uh-huh..." said Yoshiko, taking out Killer Queen as Finn bows his head before her.
"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" yelled Josuke. "Hold up! You can't just kill your lover because he was caught cheating!"
"You actually can," said Narcos. "I learned in Maharlican law that killing your cheating spouse when they get caught and their lovers only result in destierro. So, I guess Yoshiko can't... live here anymore when he dies?"
Note: This is actually a thing in the Philippines.
"I was just gonna say that," said Gabrielle.
"WHAT!?" asked Finn. "You're allowing this!?"
"You cheated on her, Finn," said Gabrielle. "She has the legal right to... well... kill you right now."
"BUT THIS ISN'T MORALLY COOL!!!" yelled Finn.
"Finn... Joestars are antiheroes..." said Gabrielle.
"I agree with Finn... We can't just kill Finn!" yelled Josuke. "Uh... Wuh... OOH!!!"
"YES, WE CAN!!!" yelled Selena, eating popcorn in the corner.
"SHUT UP!!!" yelled Josuke. "We can... Uh... Duh... OOH!!! Finn! Activate your Time Remnant!"
"Wait... The what? The variant who did all this?"
"Nu-uh..." said Selena. "No way... That'll bring Time Wraiths into this universe. Worse yet, the Time Masters and the U.S.A. could be involved!"
"The United States of America?" asked Narcos.
"The Universal Stability Agency, you idiot," said Selena. "I won't let you create a Time Remnant! Just kill him already, because bad things could happen out of this!"
"I had an evil Time Remnant before, now that I think about it," said Finn. "I named 'im Fern."
"You did this before!?" asked Selena, taking out a transmitter. "I should tell the TVA-!!!"
Miguel slaps the device away. "No, you won't. As the current Messiah of this time period, I order you to pardon Finn Mertens.God! Back rashes!" Miguel itches his back.
"Ah... The first Messiah of the 21st Century," said Selena.
"The 'First...?'" asked Miguel.
"Miguel Ibarra..." said Selena. "You can't just make a Time Variance Agent do anything! We don't listen to the Messiah in any of these Multiverses!"
"Isn't that a sin?" asked Anne.
Technically... Miguel can't because he has no jurisdiction in the TVA. Unless you're... Y'know... Bigshots like Jesus and the Prophet Who Shall Not Be Named, but... Y'know... Miguel...?
"Thanks a lot for the pep talk, Dad..." Miguel rolls his eyes.
"No... It's because living Messiahs who have not yet ascended can never have jurisdiction over us, yet," said Selena.
Yeah. That, too.
"Uh-huh... AND!!! She can't arrest me either or interfere with my work! HAHA!!!" said Miguel.
Selena grumbles.
"SO!!!" He claps his hands. "Let's just buy a Warp Crystal!" smiled Miguel.
"Sir, that is incredibly illegal," said Selena.
"Not if I buy it!" smiled Miguel.
Later... in Earth-TAWOG-5311...
Miguel knocks on the door as the rest of the Jazz Fusion and Allies face the Van Shopkeeper.
"Hey, Vanny!" smiled Miguel. "I'd like to have a beautiful tray of Warp Crystals!"
"You only need one crystal-..." said Selena.
"SHUSH!!!" yelled Miguel. "Let me enjoy my precious loopholes," he whispered.
"Vanny", who resided in "The Awesome Store," a mysterious red van, stares at the group. "Any of you cops?"
"Nope!" smiled Miguel. "Just family!"
"Is that a child with you?" asked Vanny.
"Yeah!" smiled Josuke. "She's my kid!"
"You people are horrible parents," said Vanny.
"Oh, yeah... Especially that one..." said Selena, pointing at Finn.
Finn bows his head.
Vanny enters and walks out with a tray of Warp Crystals. "With these babies, you could travel around dimensions without dying and having to reincarnate there. You can also use these to dream-walk, open portals anywhere, teleport, become a Speedster, and even split you into Time Remnants. Heheh!Whether or not those Time Remnants are sentient is a bit of a 50/50... Y'know what I'm sayin'?"
"I do not!" smiled Finn, grabbing the Warp Crystal. "How do I use this thing? Oh, crud! I shouldn't be holding it!"
"Relax. You didn't pay for that thing," said Selena. "I really can't do anything in this situation as illegal as he is. He's God's Son, for Morbius' sake."
"Morbius?" asked Josuke. "Didn't he die?"
"No... He's actually my boss at the current time."
Miguel grabs the Warp Crystal. He opens a portal and they return to the Jazz Mansion as Miguel pulls a strand of hair from Finn's scalp.
"Ow!" yelled Finn.
Miguel then begins conjuring a spell by encasing the warp crystal around the strand of hair. He then shifts both together and-...
*POOF!!!*
"Tada!" smiled Miguel. He then turns his stick into the Spear of Destiny. "Now! To kill that Time Remnant!"
"What if he's... sentient?" asked Anne.
"Yeah... Wouldn't that be kinda... Bad...?" asked Gabrielle.
"Psh!" laughed Miguel. "NAH!!! Have faith, guys! That one simple human virtue is a constant reminder of why we should keep-..."
"NGAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Finn's Time Remnant looks exactly like Finn. But, his left arm is cut off instead of his right.
"Uh-oh..." said Miguel.
Gabrielle, Anne, and Selena all facepalm.
"What the hell is up with that?" asked Gumball, pointing to the clone Finn's left arm.
"Foolish Gumball! NGYEHEHEHEHEH!!! It's a quantum medical condition. It's called a Quantum Discrepancy."
"So... you're evil, right?" asked Kira, taking out Killer Queen.
"Well...? Are you?" asked Selena.
"But more importantly... You are the one that cheated on me... right?"
"I am the Fusion of All the Finns with horrible actions and terrible antisocial and fucked up behaviors!I have committed Arson, Destruction of Wildlife, Manslaughter, Adultery, Concubinage-!!!"
"Can a man commit both...!?" asked Miguel.
Anne takes out her hand and seesaws it, giving it a "Maybe."
"-... Lowkey Murder... Graft! Corruption... Prostitution! Drug Abus! Several War Crimes! And impregnating women and leaving the children in every TIMELINE!" yelled the evil Finn, as lightning crackles behind him. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
"How many timelines did you fuck up, MERTENS!?" asked Darwin.
"You're stupider than I am," said Darwin.
"I am understanding none of this," said Mark.
"I... AM!!!NNIF THE HUMAN!!!"
Nnif writes his name on his shirt, backward. Well... It's backward to us, but it's correct for him. It's an optical illusion you s-...
WE GET IT!!!
"Nuh-nif?" asked Josuke, looking weird out. "We'll just call you Dark Finn."
"NNIF DID NOT CONSENT TO NAME-CALLING!!!"
"Eh! Good enough for me!" smiled Selena, as she takes out her ray gun and prepares to shoot Nnif.
*PEW!!!*
Dark Finn blocks the attack with Come Along With Me. "Come ALONG with me, DAUGHTER!!! LET'S PLAY... CATCH!!! MERHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Lightning crackles behind Dark Finn.
"Damn, it's stormy tonight..." said BJ. "Someone please fix that window!"
"Isn't that your job?" asked Josuke.
"I need respect, Josuke. That's what you owe me after all these years."
"This is a whole different episode," smiled Josuke.
"Wait, really?" smiled Selena.
"Ngyes, Selena! We'll skip around in the flowery fields of the backyard and PLAY CATCH!!! BLUHYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Myuh..." sneered Dark Finn.
"No! Don't do it!" yelled Yoshiko. "This Finn is the toxic one that I can't stand..."
"I'll let you PEG me, Yoshi!" cackled Dark Finn.
"He's also the Finn that's pretty good at manipulating..." said Yoshiko, putting her finger under her nose.
"THAT'S ENOUGH!!!" yelled Finn. "I won't let you hurt my family! I always strived to be a good father! And to be the greatest hero of Ooo! And then you came and made me mess up! I won't let you make me mess up anymore and I won't let you hurt my family!"
Yoshiko smiles.
Selena rolls her eyes and shakes her head.
Dark Finn stares at Finn.
"So give up now, or DIE!!!" yelled Finn, taking out Come Along With Me.
"Whoa, whoa..." said Josuke. "I didn't consent to you killing-..."
"RAUGH!!!" Finn, Yoshiko, and Selena all charged toward Dark Finn.
"BLAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" cackled Finn, as he teleports away.
"Uh..." said Selena. "Oh, dear God... WHAT HAVE YOU IDIOTS DONE!??! Morbius is gonna be furious!"
"Relax! It's not like he's gonna fire you or anything!" smiled Jake. "Take it from your Uncle Jake!"
"Oh, contraire, Selena Abadeer," said Morbius, appearing as a hologram from her watch. "YOU'RE FIRED!!!"
"Who's the Elvis-soundin' guy?" asked Anne.
"That's Morbius," said Miguel. "But good point. Why does he sound like Elvis...!?"
"Mr. Michael Morbius! Mad Master of the Multiverse! WAIT!!! I'll find him! I swear!" yelled Selena.
"I've been watching you, Selena Abadeer! You lost your home from Cipher and I took you in AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME!?!?" yelled Morbius.
"WAIT!!!" she yelled. "Please! I'll do anything! Don't fire me!"
"JUST A SECOND!!!" yelled Finn. "You can't just fire my daughter!"
"Well, well... If it isn't Dead Beat Father of the Eon, Finn the Human! Who are ya gonna abandon next, Finn?"
"I have compensation for you for that evil Time Remnant, my horrible actions, and my daughter's debt to you!"
"What is it, Human...!?"
"I!!!" yelled Finn. "We... The Jazz Fusion... Will... Uh... Oh! We'll do YOUR HARDEST TASK!!!"
"Excuse you!? You want to do a Temporal Herculean Task?" he asked.
"A Temporal Herculean Task? What is that? A kind of homework about a screenplay?" Gumball laughs while no one else laughs. "Fuck all of you. I'm hilarious."
"I assure you that the blue feline named after a candy isn't," said Morbius. "Now, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY!!! Do you swear an oath to do finish this task or DIE!?!?!?"
"Yeah! Uh... Sure!" smiled Finn.
"Everyone will be held accountable. Except for the Holy Family," he spoke.
"YES!!!" yelled Miguel, and everyone looks at him, including Anne. "Sorry..."
"We didn't consent to this," said Josuke.
"Sure!" smiled Finn.
"Very well... You have to find two people who left the Quantum Prison... One is Wilford Warstache..."
"Oh! We can totally find him!" smiled Josuke. "He left Sanchez Particles everywhere!"
"AND!!!" smiled Morbius. "The Entity..."
"Who now?" asked everyone else.
"We need you to find The Entity in order to retain reality's current breaking, which was caused once again by Cipher. Deliver him in two weeks, or face my wrath... Fools...It's Morbin' Time..."
The hologram disappears.
"Oh, dear God..." said Josuke.
"Who's the ENTITY!?" asked Mark.
Meanwhile...A white-suited man with glitchy blue and red energies walked around in Burnham-777 holding a cane...
"This truly is a strange universe... isn't it...? If I can't take over his channel..." he sneered. "I can try taking over this place... Sounds fun... Doesn't it, Mark...?"