383. The Jazz Fusion Ch. 1: The Jazz Fusion Returns...

*clickity clackity clickity clackity clickity-...*

Josuke types out his report on today's stonks update.

He whispers words to himself as he typed down the important words.

"Fuckin' dumb stupid life... car broke down and I can't get stupid insurance... Stupid life... Stupid nobody... Stupid-..."

*vrung*

*burp* "Hey," said Rick.

Josuke turns around and sees Rick. "What the hell do you want?"

Rick enters from a portal looking very drunk and droopy. "How do I look... *burp...* Josuke?"

Josuke stares at Rick. "You look like you're about to leave Morty to buy some milk, man."

Rick looks around Josuke's place of work and sees other people in cubicles beside him. Rick looks around and squints his eyes. "Oh my God! You're an office employee in Krusty-Plankton Industries!? How sad is that!? HAHAHAHA!!!"

Everyone there looks at Rick and squints their eyes.

"No offense to any of you," said Rick.

"What do you want, Rick?" Josuke sighs in malcontent.

"Something tells me you're in need... NO!!! You want a new job!" laughed Rick.

"Are you going to recruit me into the Jazz Fusion again?"

"Yes-Yo, Daddy-Oh!" laughed Rick. "Whaddya say, champ? Would you join us into this Multiverse of Madness?"

"Look... Everyone quit, okay? I don't think those guys would ever wanna go back together... I went to college and I just didn't have enough time to be with them..."

"Really? You honestly don't miss any of the weird fun adventures you had with those six idiots?"

"Nope. And honestly, you look like a drunk sulfur-crested cockatoo."

"Really, now?" Rick laughs. "Since when was the last time you laughed? When Erina-?"

"Erina broke up with me because she said I was too 'nice' to her," said Josuke.

"Yeah! That was ten years ago, Josuke! Look at you! The spitting image of Miguel JoJo!"

"Hey!" Josuke stands up to Rick and points at him in the face. "Mr. Reaper was a good human being in our world! Don't compare him to a...!Slob like me..."

"He's also the Rickest human being in all of these worlds. You know... Other than me since I'm a constant."

"What do you want, Rick?" asked Josuke.

*clickity clackity*

"Come on, Josuke! You know you wanna go back out there! Help change the world!"

"Yeah? Well... I'm not a little kid anymore, Rick! Things aren't just awehsomeh for me, right now."

"Josuke... You're a hero," said Rick. "I'm surprised that you're still single even after everything you've done for everyone in the Omniverse. That even after one epic adventure, you're still at the world's rock bottom! Pretty fuckin' common for a protagonist to be a loser all of the time! But unlike most protagonists, you already had your adventure, Higashikata. You just left it!"

Josuke remembers all the times they've had fun together. He sighs.

Josuke sighs. "Fine! Let's get this over with."

Rick smiles. "Trust me. You won't... *burp!!!* ...regret this!"

Rick blasts a portal out of nowhere.

"Wait, my Resignation Letter-!"

Rick snaps his fingers as several soldiers from the Hellsing Organization enter the work offices and gave Josuke everything he needs. Resignation letters, packed clothes, books, stuff, and food, his notice for his apartment, and his portal gun.

*vrung*

Rick opens a portal behind him.

"Well? Josuke Higashikata?" he asked welcoming Josuke to the portal.

"Well... This better be a beginning to something big..." sighed Josuke. Josuke goes to the vending machine and buys a carton of milk.

"Who's buying milk now, asshole?" asked Rick.

*vrung*

Josuke walks out and meets the six others.

"Hey, guys..." Josuke said softly.

Everyone else looked away and crossed their arms.

Josuke Higashikata. 29 years old. 190 cm tall. Slightly overweight. He has his signature pointy black hair. He wears a dark blue jacket that has a white J and star in the center of his chest. He has black rubber shoes.

Finn Mertens. 33 years old. 198 cm tall. Muscular. Blonde longe hair and blond beard. He wears his white bear hat. He wears blue armor and a green backpack on his back.

Jake the Dog. 66 years old (in magical dog years). 152 cm tall. Still looks the same.

Spongebob Squarepants. 28-years-old. 10 centimeters tall. Still looks the same.

Patrick C. Star. 28-years-old. 11 centimeters tall. Still looks the same.

Gumball Watterson. 28-years-old. 156 cm tall. Now he wears a white hoodie jacket and black pants. He wears red rubber shoes.

Darwin. 26-years-old. 152 cm tall. He still looks the same.

"Guys... Come on! It was just college!"

"You kinda didn't talk to us for ten years," said Darwin. "You basically left us at the doorstep. You left to buy milk!"

"Well-!" yelled Josuke. "I mean! Come on, guys! It was college! I was busy with studying and friends and stuff!"

"Friends?" Darwin asked. "Josuke... You were alone for ten years in a dead-end apartment! We read your -...!"

"File?" asked Josuke.

"Blog! Who blogs their loneliness!?" asked Darwin. "You sound like the fucking quiet kid in every blog post you had!"

"Guys... come on," said Finn. "Josuke had a life..."

"I know!" yelled Darwin. "It's just that he abandoned us and did this to himself-!"

"So!? Josuke has his own life! We're just his friends who-!"

"THREW US AWAY!!!" yelled Old Man Jake. "We were best friends, man! And there you are...! With milk in your hand!"

Josuke throws the milk carton away.

"Jake!" yelled Finn.

Everyone starts to argue against each other.

"I honestly don't care," said Gumball, as he drinks from a can of condensed milk.

"What is that?" asked Patrick.

"Don't judge me. Condensed milk. I'm kinda under pressure and-..." said Gumball.

"Can I have a sip?" asked Patrick.

"EVERYONE BE QUIET!!!" yelled Spongebob. "GUYS!!! WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR FIVE FRICKIN' YEARS YOU BARNACLEDHEADED CRUSTACEOUS MARITIME SOCIOPATHS!!! CAN WE FOR ONCE NOT ARGUE WITH EACH OTHER!!!?"

"Finn... Spongebob... Thanks, but... Darwin's right... I have not been a good person to you or my friends. And... I am sorry." Josuke clenched his fists. "I'm done being a loser and punishing myself for whatever reason... I'm ready for us to be friends again... I just wanna say that I'm honest to God sorry..."

Everyone smiles softly.

Josuke turns to each of them as they answered once he turned.

"Well... no arguing here! I'm in," smiled Spongebob.

"Of course," smiled Finn.

"If Finn's going," said Jake.

"Patrick?" asked Patrick. "Wait... I'M PATRICK!!! HAHAHA!!! Sure, man! Let's destroy those capitalist bastards!"

"No... Pat... we're capitalists," said Spongebob.

"Damn... The Russians won, huh?"

"Sure? I'll join, I guess?" asked Gumball.

Darwin sighs. "Fine!"

"YES!!!" yelled Rick. "THIS IS IT!!! WELCOME TO THE DARKEST SERIES IN THE GODDAMNED MASARU ABATMAN CHANNEL!!! THE JAZZ FUSION FOREVER!!! YOU'LL GO ON ADVENTURES AND BATTLE AGAINST INFINITE WEIRDOS IN THIS INFINITE FUTILE COSMOS!!! JAZZ FUSION FOR LIFE!!! AAAALL DAY!!! LONG AND FOREVER!!! *BELCH* THEN YOU'LL ALL PROBABLY GO TO A WEIRD BAR AND YOU AND YOU WILL ACCIDENTALLY HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER!!!"

Rick points to Spongebob and Patrick.

"OR YOU AND YOU!!!"

Rick points to Gumball and Darwin.

"OR EVEN YOU AND YOU!!!"

Rick points to Josuke and Finn.

"YOU DON'T GET TO FUCK BECAUSE THAT'S KINDA CREEPY SINCE YOU'RE OLD AND DEPRESSING LIKE ME!!!"

Rick points to Jake.

"Hey!" yelled Jake. "I'm biologically 32, dude!"

"Why do you want this...!?" asked Finn.

Rick cackles around and waves his hand around like a psychopath.

"OR YOU'LL ALL HAVE A WEIRD MASSIVE JAZZ FUSION GAY ORGY WHERE YOU LICK EACH OTHER'S TESTICLES AND WRANGLE IT ALL OVER EACH OTHER'S *BURP* FACES!!! YOU'RE GONNA RUN AROUND AND DO THESE WONDERFUL THINGS!!! MAYBE YOU'LL GET A GIRLFRIEND FINALLY, JOSUKE!!! THAT ELENA BITCH OF SORIA SLUT OR WHATEVER THEIR NAMES WERE!!! SCREW WOMEN!!! MEN FOR LIFE!!! MAYBE JOSUKE WOULD FINALLY BE A CHARACTER THAT FRICKIN' MATTERS!!! JAZZ FUSION!!! FOREVER AND EVER!!! A THOUSAND YEARS OF JAZZ FUSION WEIRDNESS!!! THE JAZZ FUSION DOING STUPID THINGS!!! SOMETIMES SMART BUT MOST TIMES STUPID!!! THOUSAND DAYS AND THOUSAND TIMES!!!JAZZ FUSION DOT COM!!! W W W DOT COM!!! DOT P H BECAUSE WE'RE IN A FILIPINO DOMAIN WHICH I THINK IS KINDA AUTHORITARIAN THE WAY... *BURP*... THEY BANNED PORNHUB IN THE COUNTRY!!! IS IT UP NOW, MORTY!!?"

Morty was there the entire time, taking notes. "Wha? Huh? Yeah..."

"What's wrong... with him...?" asked Josuke.

"Don't worry guys. H-H-He's like this in ev-v-very first episode."

"WE'RE ALL GONNA HAVE A GAY ORGY AND POST IT TO PORNHUB!!! AND NOBODY'S GONNA SEE IT BECAUSE IT'S DOWN, BABY!!! ALL OF US!!! FOREVER AND EVER!!! HAHA!!! TALKING LIKE THIS BECAUSE I'M INSANE!!!"

"We won't actually have a chapter where we do that, right?" asked Gumball to Morty. "R-... Right?"

"I don't wanna answer that," said Morty.

"SWEET VICTORY JESUS!!!" cackled Rick.