240. The Devil

Yuki goes home the next day.

"Hey? Guys? I just fought some batshit crazy lass with alcoholism and woke up smelling like piss-... What the bloody hell?"

Yuki sees that the mansion is a mess. There are pieces of furniture all over the ground, rubble everywhere, and a giant hole in the wall.

5 hours earlier...

Dark and Hercules play chess at 9 AM while eating Beignets with Apple filling, maple syrup, and some orange juice. Dark is dark and Hercules is light.

"Great beignets, bud," smiled Dark.

"You're welcome, Dark!" smiled Hercules.

The two silently play chess.

"So... What are we playing, exactly?"

"Seriously? I thought you were forming a strategy for the past 30 minutes."

"No. I thought that you knew how to play."

"Do you know how to play?"

"No." Dark shook his head.

The two go back to staring at the chessboard.

"Four," said Dark. "WHOA!!!"

Dark and Hercules looked around and listened.

"Did you hear that?" asked Hercules.

"What?"

"I think a sexy gunman somewhere in the cosmos named after an Italian cheese said, 'Fuck off, Vegeta!' And an alien monkey prince replied, 'I didn't say anything, you foolish dimwitted assassin!'"

"Ah... the beauty of the cosmos... Truly a blessing how vast and unknowing it is!"

The two go back to playing chess.

Dark and Hercules stare at each other in annoyance.

"What?" asked Dark.

"I dunno... Nothing..."

"What?"

"I don't know! Why? What did I do!?"

"You sound defensive."

"Because you raised your tone saying, 'What?'"

"Bitch, I can say what all I want! What! What! What! What! What! What! What!"

"Why are we even arguing, Dark?"

"I don't know!"

Dark and Hercules go back to playing chess.

"Ugh!" yelled Dark.

"What is it this time?" asked Hercules.

"Something."

"What!?"

"I don't know! I don't know! I just really want to -!"

Dark lightly pats Hercules' face with his fist.

*tap*

Hercules stares at Dark, squinting his eyes.

"RAUGH!!!" Hercules blasts Dark into the grandfather's clock with his fist.

Dark warps out his katana and swings it toward Hercules' head. The clash of his sword on his face causes his katana to begin to glow red.

"MOON SLASH!!!" Dark blasts his katana, slashing it and slicing Hercules' chest, making it bleed.

"SUN FINGER!!!" yelled Hercules, as Golden Sun extends its index and middle fingers toward Dark's eye. Dark blocks the attack with his katana.

Dark slashes his katana at Hercules over and over as Hercules blocks all the attacks with his index and middle fingers.

Dark spins and slashes toward Hercules as he kicks Hercules in the face. Hercules flicks Dark away with his finger as he crashes into the dining table and chairs.

"WHY DID YOU PUNCH ME!!!?" asked Hercules.

"YOU ARE A POOPY FACE!!!"

Hercules grabs Dark and kicks him into the coffee table.

"STOP BODYSLAMMING MY BODY INTO MY GODDAMNED FURNITURE!!!"

"Oh... Okay." Hercules grabs Dark and blasts him into the flooring. A massive crater forms around Dark.

Dark coughs. "Thank you."

"YOU'RE WELCOME!!!"

Hercules stomps Dark as Dark carves a portal in Hercules' foot and warps inside.

"Huh!?" asked Hercules.

Dark warps out from the ceiling and wraps his legs around Hercules' neck.

"MOON SMASH!!!" yelled Dark as he hammered the sword, now vibrating and glowing with energy, into Hercules' head, as an explosion occurs.

Hercules successfully blocks this with Golden Sun.

Hercules then grabs Dark and slams him into the coffee table.

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY!!!"

"I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE I'M ILLITERATE!!!"

"THAT'S NOT HOW IT GODDAMNED WORKS YOU BLONDE 8-FOOT-TALL IDIOT!!!"

Hercules blasts Golden Sun's fists toward Dark.

"MOON BLADE!!!" Dark Moon's blade extends and pokes Hercules' eye.

"OW!!!" yelled Hercules, stomping his foot on the ground repeatedly. "I AM MODERATELY HURT!!! AH!!!"

"I STABBED YOUR EYE!!!"

"I HAVE SUPERHUMAN DURABILITY!!!"

"I HAVE SUPERHUMAN I DON'T GIVE A FUCKING SHIT ABOUT HOW HARD YOUR MUSCLES ARE AND STOP FLEXING THEM!!!"

"RAUGH!!!" Hercules charged toward Dark as Dark leaps over Hercules and slices at his neck.

The katana absorbs the kinetic energy from the strike and begins to glow red and vibrate.

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND!!!" yelled Hercules.

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND!!!"

"THEN WHY ARE WE FIGHTING!!!?"

"PROBABLY BECAUSE THE STORY NEEDS FOR US TO FIGHT SO THAT WE'D HAVE A BIG MOMENT IN THE FUTURE AND WE GET BACK TOGETHER!!! AND IT'D BE-!!!" Dark sobbed. "SO GODDAMNED EMOTIONAL MAN...!!!"

"OH MY GOD!!! I AM SO SEXUALLY CHALLENGED RIGHT NOW!!!"

"I DON'T SWING THAT WAY AND I'M SORRY!!!"

"ME NEITHER... I THINK!!!"

Hercules blasts his fist and Golden Sun's fist toward Dark as Dark blocks the attack successfully.

"WHY ARE WE FIGHTING AGAIN!?" asked Hercules.

"I'M NOT SURE!!! I'M JUST REALLY ANGRY WITH YOU RIGHT NOW!!!"

"GODS!!! OH, MY GODS!!!"

"OH, GOD!!! I AM SO MAD!!!"

"I WANNA PUNCH YOU SO BAD!!!"

"I WANNA GUT YOU AND DANCE ON YOUR GRAVE!!!"

The two of them sob.

"We are such great friends!" sobbed Dark.

"I know!" yelled Hercules.

Dark and Hercules continue to... well... I think they're sparring at this point. I don't fucking know. The two of them exchange attacks for a really long time and continued to scream at each other like psychopaths.

"HERCULES!!!" yelled Dark.

"WHAT!?"

"I THINK THIS IS THE ACT OF AN ENEMY STAND!!!"

"REALLY!? IS THAT WHY WE'RE MAD AT EACH OTHER!!!"

"I THINK THE BEST THING TO DO IS TO STOP SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER!!!"

"YOU STOP SCREAMING AT ME!!!"

"NO, HERC!!! I SAID BOTH OF US SHOULD STOP!!! I DIDN'T SAY THAT YOU SHOULD STOP SCREAMING AT ME-!!!"

"STOP SCREAMING AT ME!!!"

"NO, HERC!!! I SAID BOTH OF US SHOULD STOP!!! I DIDN'T SAY THAT YOU SHOULD STOP SCREAMING AT ME-!!!"

"WHAT!?"

"WHAT!?"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!?"

"OH!!! I MUST'VE HURT YOUR EARS BECAUSE OF YOUR SUPERHUMAN HEARING!!! I GUESS WE HAVE TO SCREAM THEN!!!"

"WHAT!!!?"

"I SAID... 'I GUESS WE HAVE TO SCREAM NOW!!!'"

"WHAT!?"

"WHATEVER!!! LET'S JUST GET OUTTA HERE AND PRETEND TO THROW ME OUT OF THE MANSION AND GET FAR AWAY FROM THIS PLACE AS POSSIBLE!!!"

"OH!!! I CAN HEAR YOU NOW!!!"

"Oh... I guess I'll stop screaming now."

"WHAT!?"

"YOU'RE A POOPY FACE!!!"

"RAUGH!!!"

Hercules grabs Dark and prepares to throw him into the wall.

"Whoa... Whoa... Hercules... This wasn't exactly the plan-..."

"CANNON BALL!!!"

Hercules tosses Dark into the wall as Dark woges at the last second and a wall is formed on the wall.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~a~a~a-..."

"Oh... I can hear him now... OH MY GOD!!! I JUST THREW MY BEST FRIEND LIKE A CANNONBALL!!! NO!!! NO!!! NO, GOD!!! NO!!!"

"catch me you fucking dingu~u~u~s..."

"Right." Hercules flies toward Dark and has Golden Sun stop Dark from hitting a building by pointing its finger at him.

"Oh... Oh, thank God..." laughed Dark.

"Wait..." said Hercules. "Wait... I'm not mad at you anymore!"

"We're 27 kilometers away from the mansion... We're outside the User's range."

"How do we track the User?"

Dark has an idea. "Fly around town. Orbit the entire town and I'll tell you where we orbit next."

"What?"

"We spin around in a spiral formation and get closer to the focal point of the cause of our anger."

"Okay!"

Hercules orbits the city as Dark looks around.

Hercules begins to get grouchy at Dark near the Empire State Building.

"What?" asked Dark.

Hercules suddenly flips as Dark plummets to the ground.

"AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa~a~a~a-!!!"

A moment later...

Dark is being carried by Hercules as Dark squints his eyes at Hercules. "Never do that again."

"I'm sorry..."

Dark and Hercules drops on the Empire State Building and face against the Stand-User.

"Hey!" said Dark. "Your plan didn't work, man! You basically made us really, really mad!"

A beautiful and young-looking middle-aged blonde Latina woman wearing a white shirt and jeans. "Hello."

"Hello, there, hot Mexican lady!" yelled Dark. "Your plan to kill us had failed!!!"

"I'm Cuban," said the woman.

"And I am Dark!" yelled Dark. "Cuban... That is your name... OUR BATTLE SHALL BE LEGENDARY!!!"

"The name's Temptress, Cucaracha... Cuban is a race, you fucking idiot."

"Yeah? Well, the name's-!"

"I know your name, idiot. You should really move out already because, for the past few weeks, everyone tracked you down and tried to kill you."

"Yeah!? Well-! You're dumb and... Sexy!" yelled Hercules.

"Leave the insults to me, bud. So... What's your sob story?"

"I'm a lap dancer who worked in such a disgusting way for my son. He died from a school shooting."

"Well... You're planning to have The Boss kill a kid, then?"

"Yes."

"Okay... That is... morally ambiguous..."

"I'm angry at the world... Dark... and so are you..."

"I'm only trying to do what's best for the country!"

"No... You're doing what's best for yourself. You're angry at the world... and you think that the only way to heal is to be a hero... But that hole you have in there? That's not going to fill in anything. What's your purpose, mighty Dark?"

Dark squints his eyes. He twists the holder of his katana as he sighed. "I don't know, lady... I guess... I guess I just can't change anything... I can't think of anything... I'm stuck as the assassin who ruined people's lives."

"Foolish Samurai indeed... A samurai with no master... is a samurai with no purpose... A ronin..."

Dark squints his eyes.

"And here you are... searching for a purpose that in the end... is naught."

"Hey," said Hercules. "Don't talk about my buddy that way..."

"The reason why your Stand didn't exactly work is that we're not really mad at each other... We've been together for ten years, lady... We've had our issues back then... But we've moved on from our fights long ago... We're practically brothers..." smiled Dark. "And you have failed."

"How awful your fate is... Dark."

"My fate? What do you mean?"

"Do you know what you even are?"

"I am John Stefanio."

The woman sighs. "The Boss is planning something big..."

"What?"

"Something that will change the world..."

"What is it?"

"Why the hell would I tell you?"

Dark squints his eyes.

"You do know that JoJo... The man you work for... had given up, correct?"

"What? What the hell do you mean?" asked Dark.

"I mean that he had given up from what he desired... a perfect united world... JoJo had given up."

"You're lying!" Dark looks into her eyes... He knows that she isn't.

"Also... he knows the Boss's identity..."

Dark's eyes widen. "Take me to JoJo."

"Dark... I don't think-..." Hercules looked concerned.

"TAKE ME TO HIM!!! NOW!!!"

Hercules shyly grabs Dark as he flew toward JoJo's farm on the other side of the world.

Meanwhile...

Miguel smiles as he fed the little chicks on his coop. "There, there... little ones... eat up."

"You've given up?"

"Dark... What do I owe the pleasure?"

"You're a fucking coward!" Dark tries to punch Miguel but Miguel immediately teleports behind Dark.

"You know..."

"What the fuck is wrong with you!? I believed in your cause! I believed that the world had a chance!"

"Trumpet was right." Miguel walks past Dark.

"So... what? You were wrong!?" asked Dark.

"Yeah... I was very, very wrong. The world simply cannot unite as one nation... I was such a fucking idiot..."

"No!" yelled Dark. "NO!!!" Dark tightened his katana's grip. "YOU'RE NOT WRONG!!! THERE'S A WAY!!! THERE HAS TO BE A WAY FOR-!!! HE HYPNOTIZED YOU INTO BELIEVING-!!!"

"Stop acting like a fucking child," said Miguel, facing Dark. Miguel approached Dark as Dark backed away. "I'm not supposed to save the world, John..."

"Stop saying that you were wrong about this! That just means-!"

"What!? That we killed all those assassins for no reason?"

"IT MEANS I WAS WRONG ABOUT MYSELF!!! IT MEANS... I HAVE NO PURPOSE!!!" Dark began to sob. "I DESERVE SOMETHING OF WHAT I'VE EARNED, TOO!!!"

"I'm sorry, John... I just... I can't... It can't be me..."

"Then... What was all that fighting? Luring those assassins to their Goddamned deaths to figure out who's the Boss? You knew who The Boss was and you still got a few killed! Their lives mattered, JoJo!"

"Why do their lives matter to you?"

"BECAUSE WE WERE THEM!!! REMEMBER!?" asked Dark.

Miguel's eyes quivered.

"We were assassins... With no purpose! I worked with you! I didn't meet you, but I've heard of you! I looked up to you because you proved that a mercenary like me... Even though what I did was wrong... I can find my purpose!I didn't enjoy killing them, Miguel! And you knew about the Boss's identity and two people were killed because of your sorry ass!"

"I'm sorry... But I've fought so many battles... I just... I can't... I can't fight this one..."

Dark backs away. "Who are you?"

"I am Miguel JoJo... And I am the Angel of Death... Everywhere I go... There is death... And where there is death... There is always death..."

"You're a JoJo, Miguel... You run by faith... The irony is that a Salvi like me is telling a JoJo to have faith! Can't you see that, JoJo!?"

"Then I want you to do what I can't do... Achieve what I could never achieve... There's gonna be reelections soon..."

"I don't want that!"

"Then what do you want!? Huh!? Cut your way to the Boss!?"

"YES!!!"

"The Boss? The Boss is Trumpet, Dark."

Dark looks away and closes his eyes in disgust.

"The American spirit you've been fighting for... is all for naught... Because the Boss is their Goddamned leader. If we kill The Boss... You won't be a hero, Dark. You'd be painted as one of the greatest terrorists in American history!"

Dark's eyes quiver. "Then I'll do it."

"Do what? Kill The Boss? For what? All he wants is for us to leave them alone! Killing him would just prove that he is right."

"He's planning something!"

"And I doubt that it's going to be something bad!"

"What if he will?"

"So you'll kill him for it!? There's a civilized way to do things, Dark... He's a politician."

"You tried to kill him first!"

"Because I didn't know what he wanted... I just thought he was some Mafioso scum... He's more than that... He's the very man who holds the American spirit in his bare shoulders."

"Then what do you suggest I do, man!?"

"Talk to him. I tried that already..."

"Then what!?"

Miguel stayed silent.

"Fine..." said Dark, turning around and grabbing Dark's shoulders. "You're a coward."

Miguel sighs, "Hay Naku..." as Hercules flies Dark away.