A Broken Plea

"Can't sleep?"

Duncan's voice pulled me out from my musings. Unlike the last time he asked that question, we were outside. Now, we were at the safely of my home.

Fall was quietly sleeping in the corner of the living room. The kids built a fort and he was happily occupying it. Inside were Nicole's stuff toys and some of Claude's building blocks. Fall would usually play with the kids and they welcome the big greyhound's presence.

I looked at Duncan. I don't know how he changed his clothes but I was sure he was not wearing black when he was washing the dishes earlier.

"When did you change?" I couldn't help but ask.

"Hmmm?" was his reply as he sat on the other end of the sofa. He pulled me close to his side and I did not put up any resistance. "My clothes?"

I nodded against his chest. I rubbed my nose against him, a habit that I cannot seem to get out of my system. I was like a cat when I am near someone I am comfortable with. It was like an instinct that I could trust this man/god.

"I stored some of my shirts in your room," he casually replied.

Those words of his made me look up to him with questions inside my head. But before I could voice them, Duncan was already explaining.

"You had an extra drawer in your cabinet, lass. I just took the space and put some of my shirts there. You are usually in your office and more often than not, you don't look at that part of the cabinet. It is convenient for me. But if you do not like it, I can always take them empty them again."

How can this man make me speechless? All I could do was blink several times, a frown on my face. Duncan leaned down and kissed my forehead. It was a reassurance somehow. He was trying to pacify me. He was making me feel that his clothes on my cabinet were nothing to be bothered about.

But it did bother me.

It bothered me a lot.

Because I have never shared a cabinet with a man, not even the ex.

I laid my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. At the same time, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and dug deep inside me why his action bothered me that much.

"Did you ever share cabinet space with him when things were okay?" He asked. There was a tension on his voice that was not there before. I patted his chest and shook my head.

"Not really," I replied, my hand slowly reached his collar bone and began to stroke his exposed skin. He felt so warm that I couldn't help but snuggle close to him. I never crave for a touch of another person. But Duncan made me feel different.

"What do you mean, 'not really'?" he asked. I felt his hand on my waist pulling me to the hardening part of his body. I yielded and let myself be dragged to where the heat was coming from.

The flimsy material of my night dress did nothing to protect me from his hard length. Plus the underwear I was wearing was made of lace. It was an impulse buy during one sunny day. Who would have thought I would be wearing it and be with a man?

"The relationship we had was a long distance one. He was at his home, while I was at my parents. Mom wanted me to learn how to take care of a baby. It also gave me a chance to work." I began.

I do not want to remember, but I need to let those memories out. After all, I have been holding on to some of them, I need to de clutter. Make more room for something wonderful.

"Those times that I would be visiting him and Claude, my clothes are mostly inside my bag rather than in the cabinet. Besides, the majority of the clothes in there were not mine. There was not enough space for my things, so I didn't bother about it."

Duncan gave me a reassuring squeeze on my hip before his hand began to travel upward, settling on the nape of my neck. His fingers began to massage the base of my skull and I couldn't stop the moan from escaping my lips.

"You never felt that you were part of the family?"

"I can't really say that, but more on, I was feeling detached. Like I was the one waiting for him to say something, do something. I was a city girl living in the country side. I'm not a snob, but I was alone."

"Did you tell him?"

I was silent for a minute before I answered, "In my own way, I guess. He was having a hard time understanding me, especially when I was mad or depressed."

"Lass, you are the most rational woman that I know. How can he not understand you?"

"I speak in English when I'm mad. And he…"

"Lass?"

"The ex barely graduated, Duncan. He did not even reached first year high school. While I…" I stopped. Something in me said that I should not say more, that it was wrong for me to continue.

"Julie, lass," Duncan whispered, he then put two fingers underneath my chin and gently forced me to at him. "The lack of education is not a hindrance when a person really wants to understand someone."

"But, I should be the understanding one. I was the one with the higher education, I should at least…"

A kiss stopped me. It was sweet and tender. It was the kind of kiss that was meant to be healing. It was the kind of kiss that I never got.

Duncan's lips were soft and firm, his kiss was gentle. The heat of his other kisses was not there. This was more on acceptance, and care.

When it ended, Duncan kissed my forehead and tucked my head under his chin. His hands warm against my back gently patted me, making tears gather in my eye lids, causing them to flow.

"You gave what you can, Julie. You did your best under all the circumstances that were thrown at you," Duncan said obvious to the tears flowing from my face. I knew he could feel them, but he said nothing.

Another crack appeared around the walls I have built. Duncan was right, the lack of education was never a hindrance. There were always ways to communicate to make things better. What happened to me was painful and it caused me to withdraw.

Rather than making an effort, the ex did nothing to bridge the gap between us. The ex refused to understand. In the end I was the broken one. All I felt was confusion. Feeling neglected. Feeling unwanted.

[You should clean the house. My sister will be coming home. You know how much she hated a dirty house.] I was pregnant and just came home for a monthly check up.

[Don't we have anything else to eat? We had this food this afternoon. Can't you cook another one?] Complaining to me when the budget he gave me was not enough to last for a week.

[Why do you keep on saying no when your body is saying yes?]

The last one made me shiver in fear. The words were forever etched in my mind, making me feel like a hypocrite. Making me feel cheap who***.

Something inside me broke and the next words I said felt like a salvation to stop the demons chasing after me.

"Make me forget, Duncan. Please."