In the feeling called friendship

What is a crush? Everyone has their individual answers to this question. Some people don't even know the phrase and confuse it for love. Now, what 'love' means is another topic entirely. So let us not go there.

I am a very logical human being. With Lara, I never expected her to love me the same way I did. No matter how logical I am though I still have emotions. So I feel hurt because of my expectations. Yet I long for a place in her heart. And expect her to be a perfect friend at least. To make up for the unrequited love. Which may sound contradictory but the thing is....

.....The fuck am I even talking about? It is indeed contradictory. It all sounds so pretentious and hypocritical.

Sorry for wasting your time.

So where were we the last time? Oh yeah, I was having doubts about crushing love. But wait I was talking about it in the previous-previous paragraph. Is this some kind of non-linear story? Am I an unreliable narrator?

Damn so deep. This must be a masterpiece by the time I finish.

Anyway.....

Xora took me to a bench near the huge playground. We sat there looking at kids playing cricket. Not talking for a serious amount of time. Apparently only 3 minutes passed in the overworld. After a while, she took out her lunchbox, looked at me, grinned and asked if I'd like to eat out with her.

Now if you know me you know I hate doing anything in plain view. Too many judging eyes to hide my secrets from. But when a girl asks you to lunch together there's no escape.

Lunchboxes usually have 1 spoon to eat with since it's only for 1 person. So Xora took out another spoon from her bag, 2nd chain. It looked like she had 100s of spoons in there for these specific occasions. The 2nd floor of the bag probably only consisted of spoons. I was totally not wishing for her to let me eat with her spoon and we share saliva. Trust me I'm a gentleman so I don't think of those horrible things. Have trust in your main character at least.

She took the first bite of the delicious-looking food I couldn't seem to name. Just trust me it was delicious. The person offering the food taking the 1st bite made it feel like she didn't have much table manners. Not like I deserve any respect or anything. But I guess it didn't matter since I had the privilege of eating the rest. She didn't even put the spoon in the box afterwards. She washed it with her bottle and put it in the 1st chain.

I thought to myself, She was too considerate of her figure. It looked perfect. She should really eat more. Maybe girls think it's bad manners to talk while eating. But she made me talk while I was eating. So girls don't care about boys being bad mannered? That's rude.

"Do you like it?"

"Of course, it's delicious. You made it?"

"No. I bought it from the store. I can't cook", her blush put a smile on my face too. Which made me want to protect her dignity.

"Hey, I can't too. Nothing to feel embarrassed about."

"I know. But you're given free meals by a restaurant. I have to pay.", Her pout looked so cute I could have died right then and there.

But wait how did she know? I never told her that. I barely tell others about it since they would tag along and the owner would have more loss in business. Maybe she saw me going there while she was there too and didn't see me pay afterwards. Or lara told her. That's probably the case but I should ask her for clarification.

"How do you know about that?"

"About what?"

"The restaurant. I never told you about it."

Suddenly her face went pale. For a while, she just stared at the lunchbox. Eyes wide, heavy breathing. The wholesome smiley mouth flattened as seriousness took possession of every inch of her body. That flat mouth slowly curved into disgust. Then turned into a smiley face again. This time her eyes looked like she was looking down upon a lowly creature.

She looked as if she was a kid whom you caught lying but that kid never really feared the punishment. She was the one who punishes.

The disgustingly mocking grin seemed to get sucked into my eyes as it was coming closer and closer until her nose touched mine. If this were to happen 3 minutes earlier, I would have felt uncomfortable feeling of teenage emotional overload. But this uncomfortable feeling was for something different. Something truly uncomfortable.

I tried backing off but something crawled behind my neck moving upwards. It grabbed my hair. She grabbed my hair. Pulled it behind. She looked more menacing from the lower view.

"So you figured it out huh?", The grin was wider than ever, and so were her eyes. She glared at me with eyes that didn't belong to her. The expressions that couldn't belong to her. That shouldn't.

"You sleep at 2. It used to be 3 back when you were at the peak of phone addiction. Did you know how cute you look when you're completely unaware of your surroundings, playing your favourite RPG, chatting with random girls on the internet? You've confessed to 34 of them. And all of them rejected you. Some were gentle and some were so harsh you lost all feelings for them in an instant. You know you confess too fast right ?", She was saying all this with a calm voice but her face didn't match the calm.

The cocky chortle was tearing my ears apart. But that was a distant feeling compared to the heart that was beating so hard it sent shivers down my whole body. Now I was the one with heavy breathing. How could she know all this? Maybe....

"You should let your feelings develop more. You know, before confessions.", She didn't even let my thinking process complete. My mind was going blank. I wanted to laugh it off like a joke but my rational mind was long gone.

"You look surprised. Did you really not sense me under the bed?", She chuckled again. "You should clean those filthy parts under the bed you know. Scary bugs can hide in unseen places.", She whispered the last sentence into my ear. Then she let go of my hair.

I realised I was on the edge of the bench. I wanted to run away but how fast could I run with these weak unmoving legs? She couldn't have been there. How is that even possible?

She stopped staring at my face and looked at the game. With an emotionless face, she put her hand on the backside of the bench. Even though her hand was off my hair and the grip wasn't there, she still had it behind my head. I sat there normally again still holding the lunchbox.

Looking at the food I wondered how did that fun lunch took such a horrible turn so easily? The glasses that made her look more attractive were now helping in magnifying those eyes of the hunter that didn't care about the suffering of the prey before its death.

My lips quivered uncontrollably. Taking deep breaths was hurting my lungs. Exhaling seemed to take out my life energy. Gradually making me so weak I couldn't even stand let alone run.

I knew it was probably some kind of shitty joke but did I know it for sure? How much did I even know about her? It hadn't even been more than 3 months since we met. I knew close to nothing about the girl. I always lock my door. So she couldn't have been there. She couldn't.

There were some times I left it open thinking I was just over-paranoid and needed to learn courage. I swear I'll never feel like that again.

"You", the sudden voice made me jump,"you test the limit of censorship in porn websites. Those kinky taste of yours is quite amuzing. The amount of fetish you have is just hilarious.", She laughed and looked at me. "Don't worry I won't tell anyone.", The back of her fingers ran through my cheeks as she gave me an assuring grin.

She most probably learned all this from Zara. Yes, it's all from Zara. She must have told her all this as some joke. It must be that. I mean I was away for 2 months. What else could have happened?

But I never told Zara about those 34 rejections. What was happening? Was Xora... No. Was this 'thing' really watching me all this time? Was I too careless about my privacy? Too lost in phone to see eyes behind me staring intently? No, I must have told Zara about the rejections. I had to remember the time when I did that.

No matter how much I tried though, it was all for nothing. I couldn't remember anything like that ever happening.

"I follow you. Behind you I mean. Matching your steps, step by step, making you believe I don't exist. Yet I'm always there. So don't worry. I'll keep you safe. Hehe."

"You look awkward every time you walk. You see your surroundings. Always looking at people, judging them, yet you fear others judging you. Judging even your walk. So you try to look casual while walking. Putting your hands in your pocket makes it more awkward for you. Sometimes 4 fingers inside, sometimes only the thumb and sometimes you try to put everything inside and feel too weird with that stance."

"When you try to look free with swinging hands movement, you still look like a try-hard. Maybe you should just ask me for advice when we walk together again. What do you say?", she gave a wry smile.

This all was bullshit. It couldn't have been anything else. Who could walk behind someone without them noticing? But did I ever look back though? I must have. There must be at least one instance where I did look back. I tried to remember.

Yes, I did. What did I see? I remember correctly. It was a figure 20 meters away from me. A figure, figure of a woman, a girl looking, looking at me, smiling to herself. Smiling at me.

My body didn't have any semblance of energy anymore. She moved her hand so fast my heart tried to phase through my chest. When I caught a glimpse of where her hand was going I realised my hands didn't have any energy to hold even a lunchbox.

I regretted ever taking a bite of that thing. I wondered if it had been poisoned. She did take only one bite after all. When she turned her face at me and said....

"Goddammit, Leo. You were seriously scared? I thought you were acting along.", She laughed and put the lunchbox back on the bench.

....My jaw dropped. Was this a joke? I started to regain some spirit. But barely noticeable. That grin made me question if she's still my friend or if she's acting again to get closer to me and take more information. But what would she even do with that information? It all looked useless.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry.", she was giggling like a child now. She embraced me and patted my head, repeated the apology 3 times more. It seemed so genuine I started doubting my own doubts. Still I needed confirmation.

"How.....how do you know....all...this?", I managed to ask something in the end.

"Of course, Zara told me all this, stupid.", She smiled at me, trying to control the burst of laughter she was keeping inside. "You really looked adorable. I should have gone longer hehe."

I was still not having it. Even looking at the beautiful face once again couldn't change the fact that I didn't tell Zara all of this.

"How do you know about the 34 rejections?", I asked with utmost seriousness she didn't seem to take notice of. "I never told her about that at all."

"I really want to go longer with this but I think I should tell you. Don't want you to die of heart attack hehehehe.", She couldn't hold it anymore and was clutching her chest to make sure the laughter didn't burst her heart.

"You remember how you give her your phone like it's no big deal? Then don't get surprised when she finds out things you didn't tell her. Stupid Leo."

"I deleted those messages. And besides, how could she have known the exact number?", My voice was getting louder. I didn't seem to care.

"So it really was 34?", shs asked giggling again "You only deleted the rejection chats. Now how hard is it to figure out the number of amount with that knowledge? She wasn't actually sure it was 34 so she asked me to do this little troll with you to get answers. Hehe sorry. I think you should be the one to tell her she was correct. Do it like me. Take revenge for this with a troll of your own."

My jaw dropped. I put it back where it belonged and looked down at the grass, failing to remember what I was trying to do with this chapter in the first place.