Glimmer of Hope

After my fourth wine cooler, sleep was not hard to find in my empty bed. Mark didn't help matters any by not coming home until late. Several of the other nurses commented on my jumpiness the next day. I attributed it to the weekly dinner with the in-laws. In truth, the more thoughts about that dinner danced through my head, the more my insides twisted. Twice I found myself throwing up in the bathroom. I was not sure I could make it through the rest of the day, much less that night.

Friday was one nerve-racking day. At any point throughout the day, I expected to run into George. Maybe I would run into him in the hallway, maybe it would be in a patient's room, maybe at the nurse's station. How to handle seeing him again was beyond me.

When lunchtime rolled around my nerves tightened up and went into flight mode. It might be a good time to get shopping done. The small mall nearby would be perfect to shop at. Since I would be gone during lunch, this also meant I would avoid seeing George in the cafeteria. It was the perfect excuse for me, and I really did need a few things. Truthfully, what I needed could easily wait until after work, but why wait? Like my grandmother used to say, there was no time like the present to get a job done!

I picked up my purse and told the women at the nurse’s station that I was going to shop for some table settings for that night’s dinner. They all knew how desperate I was for approval from Abigail and weren’t surprised when that desire was voiced.

“Fat chance of that happening,” Betty commented with a knowing smile. I paused and with deep sadness agreed. Just thinking of the fact that it would never happen was enough to drag me further into depression.

“I know, but one can dream, can’t they?” Slowly I turned toward the elevators fighting back tears.

What a life. I was in a job that left me emotionally and physically drained. My husband barely knew of my existence anymore, my only friend made a pass at me, and my old friends had deserted me. My in-laws saw me as a failed disgrace for their son. My mother couldn’t find anything good in what I did. Maybe if I just stepped out in front of the car, the world would be a happier place.

The walk to the mall two blocks away did absolutely nothing to cheer me up. I tried to throw myself into the shopping, to allow it to take my mind off of everything. I hoped it would cheer me up, but it took all of my energy to force myself into the stores. The thought of buying anything was depressing. Why bother buying something that no one else except me would enjoy?

I managed to find some new napkins that would match my nicer tablecloth. After those were purchased, I looked over at the travel agency across the way. Just as a coin is drawn to a magnet, my feet headed straight to the entrance. Without even giving it a second thought, I opened the door and walked inside. Brochures were spread out in the display cases. Pictures of Greece, Italy, and South America filled my eyes and awakened my desire to travel. I had always wanted to travel, but Mark and I never had the money or the time. Now we were not really a couple anymore.

It was like someone else was controlling my actions. What would I do with a trip? Mark's busy schedule would never allow for a trip, and there was no one else would even consider going with me. I just needed to get out of the shop. As I turned to make my escape, a voice sounded from the other side of the room.

“May I help you?” an older lady that looked like somebody's grandma asked me.

Barely five feet with gray hair pulled into a bun, she was dressed in a smart suit with a modest string of pearls gracing her body. Her face was full of peace and laughter. The lines around her eyes crinkled up with the smile she bestowed upon me. I don't know why, but something in her drew me in. I wanted to know more about this woman.

“I…. I was just shopping at another store and caught a glimpse of your display window. Those pictures, they are beautiful.” I nervously tried to explain my presence and at the same time find a way out.

The woman laughed. “I just got through with those this morning. When my pictures were delivered, I couldn’t wait to display them. They never do the places justice, though. I am always so disappointed afterward when I compare them to what I saw with my own eyes”

“You took those pictures?”

“Sure did. I love to travel and document what I see, maybe discover something new.”

A sigh escaped me. “I always wanted to travel the world. Being a nurse and mother does not always allow for that.”

“You might be surprised what the world has to offer.” The woman walked forward and extended her hand. “My name is Gretel. Why don’t you sit down for a spell? I was just about to make some tea. Would you like some?”

I shook the offered hand and found myself settling down in the chair. “Yes, I would. Thank you. I’m Leigh.”

“Nice to meet you, Leigh.” Gretel placed a delicate tea cup in front of me and took the seat on the other side of the elegant coffee table. “Where would you go if you could travel?”

Slowly, I sipped my tea and contemplated the question. The enticing flavors of vanilla and cinnamon, along with some other wonderful flavor, were delicious. The exotic Mediterranean came to mind. “Honestly? Everywhere! I have always wanted to see the world and experience it, but I have to settle for experiencing it through books and TV documentaries. Maybe that is why a part of me wants to go back to school.” I felt foolish letting that slip. It was just a pipe dream of mine and here I was letting a stranger in on it. What was I thinking at the moment? It seemed that too much of my focus was on the tea.

Gretel’s face beamed. “That is great that you would want to do that! Would your studies further your nursing career?” Gretel made a motion toward her nursing outfit.

I shook my head. “No. what I really want to do is teach. I have no idea what I would teach, or even where. I just want to teach and expand minds. Well, I do lean a little toward literature, but I’m a learner at heart I guess.” I laughed at the irony. “Just another dream I have.” Why was my mouth running off like this? I really needed to shut up!

“Why just a dream? Dreams can be good when they help direct us to fulfilling of our reality.” Gretel was confused. She lowered her tea cup and focused on me.

“It's just not feasible. I have a job and I need to just be satisfied with that.”

I jumped as Gretel replied, “Nonsense! Who says that we should be satisfied with life? When we become satisfied, we find ourselves six-feet under and pushing daisies. I'm not seventy-five and still traveling the world because I was satisfied. No way would I allow that to happen!”

“You are seventy-five?” I was amazed. Gretel did not look older than her sixties. Her skin had some wrinkles, but her face seemed so young, so healthy. Her figure was not hunched over or twisted.

Gretel laughed. “That is what everyone says.”

“I hope I can be like that when I am seventy-five.”

“Why hope?” Gretel got serious and looked me right in the eyes. “Make it happen. You have some degree of control over your own life. Use it. Don't let life run roughshod over you. Show the world that you have a heart that is beating.”

“That’s easy for you. My husband, children, parents, and everyone else pretty much have control. It is easier to just go along.”

Gretel reached forward and winked. “Never let anyone, especially a man, have that much control over your life. They need to remember that it was a woman who brought them into the world and a woman can just as easily take them out.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. Such images danced in my mind with that last statement.

“Have you considered getting your education while you traveled?” Gretel continued.

I shook my head again. Was that even possible?

“There is a program that I've been trying to work out with a friend of mine who is on the board of one of the Ivy League schools. I think that traveling the world is a great way to get one’s education while studying books and other ‘traditional’ methods of learning. I've about got him ready to finalize the program, but the school is hesitant to put too much money into twenty students or so to do this if they're not sure it will work.” Gretel pulled back and looked at me as though reading my heart. She seemed to know everything I was feeling. “The board would be more likely to agree to one student.”

Gretel calmly poured me more tea before saying any more. “You could be that one student.” Gretel said it as calmly as if she was stating how sunny it was outside.

“How could I do that?” I laughed. “It requires more than I can give.”

“Nonsense! It is a test program and all expenses would be paid.” Gretel leaned forward. “Think about going to Rome and studying ancient Roman history as you sat in the Coliseum. Walk the streets of Paris and see what the great artists saw. This is an opportunity that others would kill for.”

I felt my heart racing. It was like an angel had appeared and offered me all my life's dreams. This couldn't be for real. No one ever had their dreams handed to them for nothing! Something had to be up. There had to be a catch. Life didn’t go this way.

Gretel must have been reading my mind. “There is no catch, dear. This has been a dream of mine that I have been working on for decades. All of my travels have been used as a foundation for this. I have my many degrees, I've done the traveling, and now I would like to give others a chance to do both at the same time.”

I sat in silence, not knowing what to say. I wanted so badly to say yes and leave right then. I also wanted to crawl under a rock and hide from the backlash that would ensue. Was I never to achieve my own happiness?

Gretel patted my hand. “How foolish of me! You need some time to think. Not everyone makes decisions as quickly as I do. Take the weekend and think about it. I’ll talk with my friend at the school and see if he is agreeable to this.”

I promised to think about it and after a few minutes of small talk, made my way back to the hospital. The rest of the day was spent in a daze. So many things were racing through my mind that I completely forgot about George. With it all came depression at the knowledge that it was not to be. Dreams are just dreams. Reality is a different story. I tried to push it all out of my mind as the preparations for Friday night dinner were still ahead of me.